The Cortina Chronicles 9: The Wedding Fiasco Part B

For full warnings etc. see Part A.

Part B - One of Those Days

Once I was back in the station the other ambulances overheard my dumb drivers talking about how I'd had a flat battery, not mentioning of course that it was all their own fault - oh, yes, blame the ambulance - and how I'd had to be hooked up to a police car to get a charge, so they all wanted to know which police car. "The Cortina," I mumble. "Uh, which car was that? One of the Pandas?" "Uh... it was... the Cortina," I again mumbled. Well, as I feared, the jibes started right away. They knew, because of course the gossiping Pandas had told them, that the Cortina got hangovers so they wanted to know if it had a hangover today and I said no, it didn't. Then they wanted to know if I'd got a hangover from it but I said you can't catch a hangover and the Cortina wasn't hung over. So then they said "If you can't catch a hangover how come you've got wobbly wheels?" and I said I didn't and the Cortina wasn't and it was all on account of my flat battery and I was lucky to get a good charge from it and my battery was all right for now provided my dumb drivers didn't leave me with my lights on again. But did they believe me? Of course not. I knew it wasn't my day.

The ribbing I got that day was the worst ever. "Hey, everybody, Number Two's drunk" and "Hey, Number Two, how does it feel to be drunk?" Well I told the lot of them to shut up but all I got was "Hey, don't bother Number Two. It's brain's been fried by a Cortina" and "Hey, Number Two, did you get dumber when you were hooked up to a Cortina?" and "So did the drunken Cortina drain your brain?" There was no stopping them and it just got worse. "Number Two's been shagged by the drunken Cortina" and "Hey, Number Two, how does it feel to be shagged by a drunk Cortina?" and "Can you drive a straight line?" Did I say it got worse? "Hey, Number Two got hitched today - to a Cortina!" and "You never told us you were getting married today. It's very mean of you not to invite us to your wedding" and "You're all in white too, just like a human bride" and "Does this mean you're going to have Cortina babies?" and "I know - the babies will be drunk Cortina ambulances and they'll be orange with black vinyl roofs" and "Really, Number Two, you should be more careful who you get hitched to." That was Number Four for you. The youngest and newest member of the fleet purchased used from London and only done ten thousand miles. Apparently all it had ever seen were the posher parts of London. We tried to tell it that Manchester wasn't like Chelsea but it got quite a shock and still hasn't got over it. Still talks posh too. "You don't know where that Cortina's been," it continued, "and I hear it goes to some pretty unsavoury places, not to mention it's positively wild, tears around the streets burning rubber and scaring old lady humans to death. And I hear its police officer humans are cowboys who put bullets in anything that moves. Why you'd never find such reckless behaviour in Knightsbridge. I tell you I wouldn't be caught with a dead battery within a mile of that car. You might catch something from it." which naturally brought a chorus of "It already did - it caught a hangover!" from Number One and Number Three and they sniggered some more. The trouble with us ambulances is that we hear all about human diseases, so then it was "Hey, Number Two, you want to watch you didn't catch the clap from that drunken, poxy Cortina. After all, its humans are poofs, fairies and queers. You don't know what they might have." "Police poofs with the clap? Horrors! Don't you go parking next to me," Number Four says. "I have not got the clap," I said. "Nor do the Cortina's humans - well at least as far as I know - and anyway mechanicals can't get human diseases and you all know that so you can all just shut up." But Number One said, "We're going to be keeping an eye on you and we'll know if your parts start falling off." And so it went on... and on... The Cortina says the Pandas gossip all the time - and they do - but this lot are every bit as bad if not worse 'cause they know more about humans and their sickly conditions, though of course I'd never admit that to a certain Cortina.

Fortunately for me less than an hour later other calls started to come in. The supervisor tells the drivers not to use me until my battery's been changed and somebody's supposed to be coming to do it but no one does - typical. So Number One takes one of them and Number Three takes another, but then while the other two were still out another call comes in and they discover that Number Four has a slow leak from a chunk of broken glass caught in a tyre. So they have no choice but to use me and my dodgy battery until the tyre's changed. Just as well they didn't know that I was hung over too. Of course I get the same two idiots, Mick and Bob. It just wasn't my day.

Time to take action and get rid of this hangover, so when Mick starts me up I cough a bit and stall. Let him think it's my battery. So of course he starts me up again and gives me a good revving. Ah, nothing like a good revving to clear the old gasket and at least I don't make a dog's dinner out of it like a certain Cortina and have half the country on strike. That certainly cleared the old hangover. Gone for good and good riddance. I'll be perfectly content for the rest of my life if I never have another one. Number Four of course noticed what I was doing. "I heard that. Why are you coughing?" it says in its posh voice. So I told it I just got a divorce. "Short honeymoon," it said. "I told you you want to watch who you get hitched to in this town. Why you can't trust anybody here, least of all those poxy Pandas. They're like a pack of rabid dogs. One of them was parked next to me last week and I was shocked - shocked, I tell you - by what it told me. Why I've never heard the like in my life..." At that point I was too far away to hear the rest of what it said. Just as well. I've probably heard it all before anyway and Number Four is really quite innocent. I'll give it six months - if it lasts that long. After that nothing about this place will shock it any more.

Not long after that I arrive at the scene of another shooting only to once again find that dozy git of a drunken Cortina already there. Running into the silly prat twice in one day is too much especially after the ribbing I've had from my fellow ambulances.

"You again!"

"We meet again and isn't that nice?" it says.

"Just ducky. You still got your hangover?"

"Uh, yes. How's yours?"

"All gone. Got my silly humans to give me a good revving. Worked a charm. So what's going on now?"

"Well the Guv and Sam found out where the photographer lived so we came here and just as we got here a female human ran out of the building and said he'd been shot and they ran in the building and now you're here."

Then the Guv and Sam came out of the block of flats and the Guv's saying "Revenge short and sweet. Knew that ruddy groom was lyin'. He must have known all along where the photographer lived." Sam says "Might not have been him. We don't know for sure" and the Guv says "Description matches though, don't it. Jilted groom. All the motive in the world. Have to check him out" and Sam said "But where's the bride?"

My humans bring out the wounded man, I raced him to hospital and I was really hoping that that would be the end of a bad day - but no. The idiot supervisor decides that since my dodgy, old battery is all right for now then it's okay to use me especially since no one had arrived yet to change Number Four's flat tyre and the man who was supposed to change my battery came while I was out, said he couldn't hang around and left. Well with the day I was having it wasn't long before things took a turn for the worse once more. So half an hour goes by and I'm called out yet again and it's yet another shooting and, again, that silly prat of a Cortina is already on the scene.

"Now what?" I says.

"Oh, ambulance, it's you again. Fancy running into you three times in one day. Isn't that nice?"

"I'm surprised you can count to three."

"What do you mean by that? Are you being insulting again? Why I can count to... Well I can count to four three six two."

"What kind of number is that?"

"My mileage."

"And what's your maximum speed?"

"Uh... one hundred and twenty."

"Hm. Well you've got that much right. Maybe you're not such a div after all."

"I'm not a div, whatever that is, and I regularly do over seventy miles per hour."

"What does the Guv think you are - a bleeding racing car? Anyone would think you were practising for the Grand Prix."

"What's the Grand Prix?"

"A big race."

"Could I go in it?"

"No, you could not. It's for special racing cars."

"I bet I could win."

"I bet you couldn't. They've got cars that can do over one hundred and forty miles per hour. Cars like Ferrari and Lotus and Tyrrell. One of my drivers is a big fan and reckons he's going to get time off to go to Silverstone."

"What's Silverstone?"

"That's the big racing circuit where all the Formula One cars go to race. They're the fastest cars in the whole world."

"You mean there are cars that can go faster than me?"

"It might surprise you to know this, ducky, but there are. They're built special just for racing."

"I'd like to see that, that big car race. It must be very exciting."

"From what I heard it is. You never know, one day maybe your humans will take you to a big car race."

"I'd like to compete in a big car race. I bet I'd win."

"Now look here. You're not a racing car you know. You're just a common, old four-door sedan."

"I'm not old, I'm young, and I'm classed as a saloon and I'm very powerful on account of my 2000GT motor which is the most powerful one that Ford makes. The Guv loves my power. Sam does too. I mean he doesn't say so but he always wants to drive me."

"Never mind your poncy motor. What's going on now?"

"My motor is powerful, not poncy. After all it's not the 1300GT, or even the 1600GT, but the 2000GT, so I'm the most powerful of the lot - a top-of-the-range model, the Guv says."

"Never mind all that. What's going on now?"

"Sam said it was a hostage situation."

"Do you even know what that means?"

"Uh... well... The human they were looking for seems to be in that building over there and he's got a gun 'cause he fired at the Guv and Sam and they had to run behind the wall there and there's a wounded human on the footpath there - well he might be dead 'cause I haven't seem him move at all - which is why they called you in, but the police can't get to him. It's all to do with that wedding where the photographer took off with the bride."

"Oh, yes. Your humans thought the groom was responsible for the photographer getting shot."

"Well it turns out it wasn't the groom at all. The Guv said the groom's at home crying on his mummy's lap, and then he got a call to say that the photographer died."

"So who's that in there then?"

"Sam said it's someone called Steve Pope and he's the son of the old geezer with the bad heart and he's out for revenge on account of his dad was a war hero."

"But the old geezer with the dickey ticker was still alive when I took him to hospital. It's not like he's dead too, is he?"

"Uh, yes, he is. The Guv got a call about him too and he told Sam the old geezer died as well and his widow's suing the hospital 'cause she says he'd have lived for years if he could have got there sooner but it took too long to get there on account of your dodgy battery. Then not long after that there was another call and the Guv said she'd rung CID again 'cause Steve had gone round the bend and was out for revenge on the photographer and the bride."

"Well he's already got the photographer."

"I know, and he died. Uh, what's a dickey ticker?"

"Don't you know anything?"

"Oh, yes, I know all sorts of things and I'm very smart, but... uh... I don't know what a dickey ticker is. Is it a clock with a gearstick?"

"A clock with a gearstick? Now how do you come up with that?"

"Well 'ticker' sounds like 'tick' which is what clocks do though mine has a very, very soft, little tick and of course it's a very good clock too, and 'dickey' sounds like 'dick' which is one of the names the Guv and Sam use when they talk about their gearsticks."

"You know I think your humans are a bad influence on you. No, it's not a clock with a gearstick, you div. It's a bad heart. It's kind of like your oil pump. If it stops working your engine will overheat, seize up and die."

"So a bad heart is bad for humans? And I'm not a div."

"Very bad. Once a human's heart stops beating that's the end of them. They die."

"Humans are weak, aren't they? They seem to die so easily."

"They do indeed, ducky."

Well just then we both spotted Sam climbing up a ladder up the side of the building and peering in a window. Then he opens the window and climbs in. Then the Guv and Ray and Chris wait at the front door and they've all got guns and then there's a shot from inside the house and the Guv kicks in the door and they all run inside and then there's a second shot and we wait a lot longer. Then they all come out again and Sam and the Guv check the human on the ground and they wave my humans over. Then Sam has a word with Plod. Then the Guv and Sam walk over to the Cortina and Chris and Ray get in the Vauxhall and none of them look happy. The Guv got out his hip flask, opened it and passed it to Sam and they just sat there drinking and then the Vauxhall left. Ray called out that they were going to the pub as it drove by.

"The end of a perfect day," Sam says after a while. "A murder suicide. Just lovely. Thought I could sneak up on him and get his gun but he spotted me. I thought he'd shoot me first but he shot the girl instead... I tried to talk to him - Christ, I tried - but he wouldn't listen..."

"Sam..." The Guv reached out and took Sam's hand with his gloved one. "Sam... you did your best..."

"And it wasn't good enough."

"You can't go blaming yourself every time some nutter decides to off a few sods."

"He was ex-army. A good shot. Even if I couldn't save him, if I could just have saved her..."

"Come on, Sam. Give it a rest."

"She was trying to explain to him that she nearly made a big mistake and she was sorry for all the fuss, but he wouldn't listen. Kept banging on about how his father was a war hero who deserved better than what he got at the hands of the government and how he'd lost him now because of her and how she'd betrayed everybody including him. All that red blood on white lace..."

"Come on, Sam. We can't win 'em all and the bastard could have got you too. Where's bloody Forensics?"

Finally Forensics arrived and the Guv told Sam to stay in the car while he went to speak to them and they went into the house. When he returned he said "Pub or home?"

"Home," Sam said. "I just want to go home and shut the door."

The Guv started up the Cortina... Well that is he tried to but it coughed and sounded sick.

"Oi, ducky, what's wrong?" I called out.

"I think it's my battery," it says.

The Guv tries a couple more times to start it and is swearing because all it's making is a sick noise. So he calls out to my driver, the idiot Mick. "Oi, you'll have to give us a start" but my driver says we have to go now. So the Guv says "Is he still breathing?" so Mick asks Bob who's in the back with the wounded man and he shakes his head, so Mick says "He's gonna be pushin' up daisies." Sam pulls a face and thumps his hand on my dashboard and he and the Guv get out. The Guv says "Right. You're in no hurry. Open up."

I asked the Cortina what happened with its battery.

"Uh, well, I think it was when I gave you a start. I was all right as long as my engine was running but I've been stopped and started a few times since then..."

"Sorry, ducky. I'm heavier and I need a more powerful battery. I must have really drained yours like Sam thought."

"I'm sorry too 'cause I still have a hangover and I don't want you to get it again."

"Never mind, ducky. It's wasn't your fault the stupid Mick left me with my lights on. If I get your hangover again I'll just get him to rev me some more and that will get rid of it."

"Uh, is your battery all right now? I mean jump-starting me won't drain it or anything, will it?"

"Good question and I don't know the answer. Put it like this: If our dumb humans don't stall us before we make it back we should get back all right."

So it was the same procedure except the Guv attached the leads to my battery first, then to the Cortina. Well Mick starts me up and runs me for a minute, then the Guv starts the Cortina - and I got my second hangover in one day. Just my luck and I'm feeling all woozy again.

Anyway we're both running smoothly but since we've now both got dodgy batteries the Guv decides to leave us running for a good three minutes. After a while the Cortina says "I hope the other ambulances didn't notice you had a hangover. I mean I wouldn't want them to talk about you like the Pandas do about me."

"That's right considerate of you, ducky, but too late. Water off the windscreen, eh?"

"So, uh, what did they say?"

"Reckoned as how we got hitched."

"'Hitched'? You mean like to a caravan?"

"No, you great dill. I mean hitched as in married."

"We're married!?! You and I? We're... married???"

"No, we're not."

"But you said the other ambulances said we were. We're... married!"

"We are not - and you're squeaking, ducky."

"But you said the others said we were, so we must be."

"Oh, take no notice. They were talking nonsense."

"But you told me that ambulances are smart and they're sensible too so they must know what they're talking about... and they said we're married!?! I can't believe it..."

"Now look here - we are not married."

"So why would the other ambulances say we were if we're not?"

"Oh, they were just kidding."

"But... but they're not like the Pandas, are they? I mean they wouldn't say things like that if they weren't true, would they?"

"Well..."

"So how do they think we got married? I mean did they say that we got married earlier when your battery was flat and I gave you a jump-start?"

"Yeah. But take no notice."

"But now you're giving me a jump-start... so doesn't that mean that we've been hitched - I mean married - twice?"

"No, it doesn't."

"Yes, it does. We've been married twice in one day...! I can't believe it. I didn't know I was getting married today! I didn't even know motor vehicles got married."

Well the day took another turn for the worse 'cause just then Plod arrived and one of the Pandas pulled up beside us and two more detectives arrived in one of the unmarked cars. Well naturally they saw what was going on.

"Where the hell have you been?" the Guv says. "We had to get a jump-start from the ambulance here 'cause you lot weren't around."

"Sorry, Guv," the one called Vince says. "Got delayed 'cause there's a big accident and Plod have all the traffic diverted."

"So which one has the flat battery?" his companion says.

"We've got the flat battery," Sam says.

"Yeah, on account of giving the ambulance a jump-start earlier," the Guv says.

"Oh, look at you two!" Panda Number One says. "I heard about you two having a shag but I never thought I'd see it."

"How do you know that already?" I says.

"I ran into Ambulance Number Three earlier and it told me all about how you two got married this morning."

"Yes, isn't it nice? We're married!" the dopey Cortina says.

"We are not!" I says.

"Oh, yes, you are! And now you're hitched all over again and you're both drunk. You two been celebrating or have you been too busy shagging? Just wait 'til I tell the all the others. Married twice in one day. That's a new record."

"You'll do no such thing," I says. "I am not married to the Cortina."

"Oh, yes, you are! Married twice! Unbelievable... Ambulance Number Three told me how you even got a hangover from the Cortina and you were all wobbly on your wheels and it was just as well you didn't have to drive a straight line on account of you couldn't have and you'd got the clap from it too."

"Uh... what's the clap?" the Cortina says.

"You married a dope," the Panda says.

"Take no notice, ducky," I says.

"And once wasn't enough for you. You had to go and do it twice in one day. Look at the two of you joined together." It sat there sniggering.

Then the unmarked car - it was the blue Rover - says "Oi, Cortina, what's with you and the ambulance? You been holding out on us? That's not very nice, you know. You might have told us you were getting married."

"But I didn't know and... uh... what's the clap?" the Cortina asks again.

"It's nothing, ducky. Ignore it. It's just being a smartarse."

The Panda sniggered some more.

"Oh, it's always a smartarse, but what's the clap?" the Cortina says.

"It's talking rubbish. It's something that us mechanicals can't even get."

"I heard they can," the smartarse says. "Oh, this is such big news. None of us has got hitched since I can't remember when. And, Cortina, it's very mean of you not to invite us to your wedding."

"So what's the clap?" the Cortina asks again.

"It's a nasty human disease and Ambulance Number Three says your humans have it," the Panda says.

"My humans have a disease? But... but I didn't know this."

"Ignore it, ducky," I told the Cortina. "I'm sure your humans don't have any nasty diseases."

"Oh, but they're poofs, fairies and queers. They have all sorts of nasty diseases. Number Three said so."

"No, they don't and Number Three was spinning your wheel."

"No, it wasn't 'cause it's an ambulance so it knows what it's talking about," the Panda says.

"So my humans have a nasty disease and it's because they're poofs, fairies and queers? Oh, this is terrible! Are they going to die?"

"They don't have a disease, ducky, and they're not going to die. Some cars have nothing better to do than gossip."

"You're married to a poxy car with poxy humans," the Panda sniggered.

"In the first place, I am not married to anybody. In the second place, the Cortina is not poxy."

"What's poxy?" the Cortina says.

"It means diseased, like having the clap, like you humans have," the Panda says.

"But I don't have the clap... do I?"

"No, you don't, ducky. Nor do your humans. Take no notice of big-mouthed, brainless gits."

"Then why are you saying that I'm poxy?" the Cortina says to the Panda. "You're being insulting and you're insulting my humans too 'cause they're not poxy either."

"Oh, yes, they are and you are too. Ambulance Number Three said so," the poxy Panda says.

"Oh, no," the Cortina wailed. "I don't want my humans to die of some terrible disease."

"Right. I've had about enough of your silly tales." I looked sternly at the Panda. "You know very well that us mechanicals can't catch human diseases so you can stop teasing the Cortina. You're upsetting it."

"Oh, listen to you! That car is so dumb it'd believe anything. I was just having a bit of fun with it. You really are married to the poxy prat, aren't you?"

"I'll tell you something, you idiot Allegro. The Cortina may not be the most brainy car around but it's brave, it's built to last and it'll be around long after you and all your breakdowns are nothing but a bad memory."

"How do you know about my breakdowns?"

"Oh, there's lots that I know about you and yours. Things that I wouldn't bother repeating - and don't make me."

"Well I must say you're no fun at all," it complained. "Anyone would think you liked the dopey, orange div and I know you don't 'cause the other ambulances all laugh at the things you say about it."

"That's quite enough from you. Take no notice, ducky. It's just a silly, gossiping git wanting to stir up trouble."

"You talk about me to the other ambulances? They... laugh at me? But... but why would they laugh?"

"Ignore it, ducky. It's talking through its tailpipe. I just tell them a little about your adventures. They like to hear about them and you have lots of adventures with your humans. You're a good car, you're reliable, you're speedy, you're loyal and your humans rely on you to do their jobs."

"You... You wouldn't laugh at me, would you?"

"Oh, no, ducky. I'd never do that." The Panda sniggered but said nothing more.

Well the Cortina's running smoothly so the Guv disconnects the leads and it thanks me. "See you around, ducky," I said and it left with a screech of tyres and a puff of smoke. Its humans really looked terrible though. What a day. Like I said, it makes you wish you'd spent it in the workshop having a good old grease and oil change.

As for me, I had to contend with the others once more. Of course, when I returned Number Four wanted to know how I'd got my hangover back again. Numbers One and Three, who didn't know I'd got rid of it, were immediately suspicious. "You got rid of it but now you're drunk again? You've been shagged by the Cortina again!" they accused. "You can't get enough of it!" and "Number Two's on a drunken honeymoon!" and "Don't you bring any diseases back here!" That, of course, was Number Four for you. This went on for another two hours until another call came in. So when I was started I did the old cough and stall routine which always results in a good revving and that got rid of my second hangover in one day - and hopefully my last ever.

I saw the Cortina again on the Monday morning and I asked it how its humans were and it said they were all right later on after they got home.

"They were silent all the way home and then after I was parked and they'd closed the gates and doors Sam kind of just stood there like he didn't seem to know where he was and the Guv said 'Come on, Sam. It's over now' and Sam said 'For them it's over for good. All those people dead, and for what? Some twisted revenge?' and the Guv put his tool sets..."

"Hands."

"Oh, yes, hands. I always forget. Well the Guv put his hands on his shoulders and he said 'We did our best, Sam' and Sam said 'Clearly, our best wasn't good enough' and he pushed the Guv away and he walked away and then he walked back again and he said 'What the hell good do we do, Gene? Tell me! We saved nobody. Nobody! Not one person did we save today. Not a single one! First old Mr Pope who would probably be alive today but for getting a nasty shock to his bad heart. Then there was Neil Sullivan, the photographer Steve Pope blamed for his father's death, and Brian McDonnell and his daughter, Jane, all three of them killed by Steve Pope who then offs himself. Did we manage to do even one thing right? Tell me, Gene, what did we do today that was right, eh? You tell me that! Tell me about all the lives we managed to save today, eh?' and the Guv held out his hand to him and Sam just kind of looked at him and then he took it and the Guv pulled him closer and they put their arms around each other and the Guv said 'Sam, you're a copper. You know there'll always be days like this, maybe even worse, when sod all goes the way we'd like it to' and Sam says 'But not one, Gene. Not one life. We might have saved Mr McDonnell if we could have got him in the ambulance' and the Guv says 'And you know we couldn't while Pope was still armed' and Sam was quiet then and the Guv said 'Now what was all that stuff we bought this morning for?' and Sam said that this morning seemed like a lifetime ago and that he'd been planning on making a pizza, whatever that is, for dinner and the Guv asked him how you made pizza and Sam said you have to chop up all the toppings and he got some good mozzy cheese or something and ham and garlic and black olives and pepperoni or something, whatever they all are, and he tells the Guv that he can chop while he makes the dough, whatever that is, and then the Guv put his fuel intake..."

"Mouth."

"Oh, yes, mouth. I always forget. Well the Guv put his mouth on the side of Sam's face..."

"You mean he gave him a kiss on the cheek."

"Uh, yes, his cheek, and he says 'Right, Sammy boy. Let's go and make pizza' and he gave Sam a hug and Sam said 'Break my ribs, why don't you?' and the Guv said 'Yeah, Andre the Giant, that's me. Scrawny little girl, that's you. We having some poncy wine with this pizza?' and Sam said 'Beer will do' and the Guv said 'Thank Christ for small mercies' and Sam said 'Rubbish. You often drink wine' and they were arguing about beer and wine and they went in the house. Then not long after I heard them in the kitchen and they must have been making that pizza thing and Sam was telling the Guv where to find the cheese grater, whatever that is, and how to chop this and that and then to chop smaller and the telly was on in the living room and later the Guv said that the pizza was good and later on Sam said he was knackered and they went to bed early. After they turned the bedroom light out Sam said 'Once upon a time I lived in a shitty little flat and after a day like today I'd have gone home...' and the Guv said 'To your shitty little flat' and Sam said 'Yes, to my shitty little flat, and I'd have drunk myself to sleep...' and the Guv said 'In your shitty little flat' and Sam said 'In my lonely bed' and the Guv said "In your shitty little flat' and Sam said 'Yes, in my shitty little flat, all alone and feeling sorry for myself and raging against the unfairness of life and going over and over in my head all the things that I could have done to save those people if only I'd known what was going to happen, and then I'd have had nightmares' and the Guv said 'And now?' and Sam said 'I'm learning to accept that I can't save the world, much though I'd like to' and the Guv said 'You know what your trouble is? You just want to be Superman' and Sam said 'Yeah, Superman, that's me. Gotta save the world and win the heart of Lois Lane and get changed in phone booths. Or what about Spiderman? I could spin webs and climb walls. Would have come in handy today. Wouldn't have had to borrow a ladder from the neighbour. I'd even settle for being The Greatest American Hero' and the Guv said 'Who was that?' and Sam said 'Maybe I'll just be Batman and I'll drive the Batmobile' and the Guv said 'Hold up. I ain't no sidekick. If anyone around here is bein' Batman and drivin' the Batmobile it's me' and Sam kind of laughed and said 'And the Cortina's the Batmobile' whatever that means, and the Guv said 'Yeah. The little beauty goes like a rocket' and Sam said 'You'd look good in mauve tights on those long legs' and the Guv said 'Cheeky sod' and then after a bit he said 'Think so?' and Sam said 'Yeah, you would' and then he said 'Think I'd make a good Robin?' and the Guv said 'Yeah, your skinny, little arse would look good in tights' and Sam said 'And you call me the Boy Wonder anyway. Right. If we're ever invited to a costume party we're going as Batman and Robin' and the Guv kind of laughed and they were quiet for a bit and I thought they'd fallen asleep, but then Sam said 'You know something, Gene Hunt? I'm not lonely any more. And I don't have nightmares any more either' and the Guv said 'Even after a bad day?' and Sam said 'Even after a day like today'. Then the Guv said 'Come here' and Sam said 'Christ, but you feel good' and the Guv said 'And you feel bloody marvellous' and they must have fallen asleep after that 'cause I never heard anything more."

"You know your humans are just like a married couple."

"Yes, they are I suppose, though they do fight a lot."

"You know, ducky, Sam was wrong when he said they didn't do anything right yesterday. I mean they gave me a jump start and that was good of them."

"And your humans gave me a jump start too."

"Guess that makes us even then, but you understand that just because you gave me a jumpstart and just because I gave you a jumpstart does not mean we're married. Take no notice of gabby no-brains who say we are. It's only silly humans who go through all that marriage and divorce business. No one else bothers."

"What's 'divorce'?"

"The end of a marriage."

"Oh. Well I know we're not married, but... You remember when you taught me how to pretend? Well last night after my humans fell asleep I was thinking about all the things that happened yesterday and I thought..."

"Well go on. Tell me what you thought."

"Well, I thought about what Sam said about how he's not alone any more and I wondered what it would be like to be married, so I thought that I could pretend I was married."

"Hmmm... Last time you pretended you nearly brought the country to a standstill... Still, I suppose it wouldn't hurt if you want to just pretend you're married, nothing more."

"You don't mind?"

"Tell you what, ducky. If it makes you happy you can pretend you're married."

"I'm glad you don't mind 'cause I pretended I was married to you."

"I might have known. Well all right. As long as it's just a bit of pretending I don't mind."

"You really don't mind? I thought you'd call me a silly git or a poncy prat or some such."

"Would I do that, ducky? But it has to be a secret, all right?"

"Yes, I understand. It will be our big secret and I'll never tell."

"Good. So what did you pretend then?"

"Well first I pretended that we were in a race - you know, that big Grand Prix race you told me about."

"That sounds exciting."

"Oh, it was. It was very exciting."

"So did we win?"

"We did! We beat all those Ferraris and Lotuses and Tyrrells and everyone told us we were the fastest things on four wheels. You're making that funny noise..."

"So did we win anything?"

"We did. We won lots of high grade engine oil, spare sets of tyres and enough fuel and spare parts and polish to last us many years."

"Very good."

"And then I pretended that we shared a nice, big double garage and we had nice, thick, soft car pet to rest our wheels on and you liked it and you said it was very nice... You're still making that funny noise..."

"I said that, did I?"

"You did. And then I pretended that I shared my best high grade engine oil with you and you said it was better than the stuff they usually put in you and how it felt all nice and thick and smooth inside you and you liked it very much."

"Did I?"

"You did. You said it was the best oil you'd ever had. Why are you making that funny noise? And then I pretended that you had lovely, thick, soft, extra long, velvet shag pile in tan with apricot leaves and gold borders around every little leaf just like mine and all the human patients you carry loved to pet it and you said you liked getting petted just like I do. You're still making that funny noise..."

"Did I now?"

"You did. You liked it very much. You said you were really pleased that we had matching thick, soft, extra long, velvet shag pile in tan with apricot leaves and gold borders around every little leaf 'cause now all your human patients were petting you and saying how nice and luxy it felt and how you were the nicest ambulance in the fleet. You're still making that funny noise and when you make that funny noise I get sus... sus... Oh, what was that big word again?"

Velvet shag pile in an ambulance? Getting petted? Silly, great, pampered ponce. Oh, well, if it wants to pretend we're married I suppose it can't hurt. I mean it's a decent enough car even if it's thick as two tyres.

You know a big double garage sounds kind of nice... Come to think of it so does decent engine oil... And so does winning the Grand Prix... Wonder what getting petted feels like... Hmmm... I suppose it wouldn't hurt to pretend just once...