The Cortina Chronicles 9: The Wedding Fiasco Part A

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It was a sunny afternoon when I got called to a church where a human had been injured at a wedding. When I got there I was surprised to see that that div of a police Cortina was already there. Just my luck. When I asked what it was doing at a wedding it said it'd been in the area when the call had come through and there had been a shooting. So here I was parked nose to nose with the bird-brained car - yes, one of us had been driven the wrong way up a one way street and it wasn't me. If that wasn't bad enough I also had a new driver, one Michael Allen, a div if ever there was one. "Call me Mick," I heard him say to the others. Well the useless git and the other idiot went off into the church not realizing that they'd left me with all my lights on - and me in need of a new battery. This was not looking good, but I forgot about it for the moment as there was something about the Cortina that was bothering me. Something different I was sure. I looked it all over but it looked like the same silly, orange prat it always is. Still, there was something... Maybe something brighter? Well maybe it's just been polished some more.

"Something different about you today, ducky?"

"No."

"Are you sure? You're looking very chipper. Why might that be?"

"Oh, no reason. I'm just feeling good."

"Are you sure?"

"That I'm feeling good? Yes, I am."

"Are you sure there's nothing different about you today? Haven't had a tune-up, have you?"

"No, but I did get polished again yesterday. The Guv always likes me to look my best. I saw myself in a shop window on the way here and I do look very bright, don't I. That must be what it is. Did I tell you that I really like getting polished? Well I do. The Guv always does a really good job and I just sit there enjoying it. All that polishing and rubbing feels wonderful on my outer skin and he uses that nice vinyl cleaner stuff on my roof too. It's not like polish though. He sprays it on and it all kind of foams up and then he wipes it all off and it leaves it lovely and clean. I love to look my best. I would really hate to be all dirty and smelly but the Guv keeps my outside clean and checks my oil and water and Sam keeps my inside clean and keeps me smelling nice too. Did I tell you the Guv got some new polish?"

"You told me that a while back."

"Oh, but this is another one."

"Another one? How many polishes does the Guv use on you?"

"I think maybe six... or is it seven? Uh, I've lost count."

"You'd be lucky to count to ten, you big dill."

"I'm not sure which one I prefer. The new one certainly smells very nice, though they're really all very nice and they all smell nice too and they all give my russet bronze skin a lovely shine, don't you think? And I'm not a big dill, whatever that is."

"Yeah, just blinding. Some cars have all the luck."

Well maybe it was just the extra polish, I decided. Still...

"Those big white cars over there..."

"You mean limousines."

"Is that what they are?"

"Yes. They get used for weddings."

"Oh. Are they very snazzy inside?"

"Yes, they are."

"Do you suppose they have nice, thick, soft, extra long, velvet shag pile like me?"

"I wouldn't know. Maybe they do and maybe they don't."

"Do you think they know that humans make carpet just for cars?"

"Now how would I know? Anyway humans make carpet for houses, not just cars."

"But they made it for cars first."

"What?"

"Carpet. It was invented just for us cars."

"Since when?"

"Well it's called car pet isn't it. So if the first humans to make car pet called it 'car pet' then they must have made it just for us cars. I mean if they'd made it for houses first wouldn't they have called it house pet or floor pet?"

"Now where did you get a birdbrained idea like that?"

"From another Mark III Cortina, and it wasn't a birdbrain either."

"I might have known."

"Very smart it was. Knew lots of things. A pet is like a dog or a cat, isn't it?"

"Well, yes, humans call their dogs and cats pets. Of course they also pet their animals."

"So 'pet' means something else too?"

"Yes, it means when they pet their animals. You know, when they cuddle them and stroke them."

"Oh, I see. Human words have so many meanings. Uh... Oh, now I understand! So the inventors of car pet called it 'car pet' 'cause they wanted humans to stroke and pet their cars. Oh, isn't that nice!"

"No, they did not."

"Well why did they call it 'car pet' then? Or did they mean that humans should stroke the car pet in their cars? That's nice too. So whether they wanted them to pet the car pet in their cars or just pet their cars it's very nice of the humans who invented car pet to think of that, don't you think? I mean they must have thought a lot of their cars to invent car pet especially for them and to call it car pet. Then again maybe they meant that a car should be treated as a pet and cuddled and stroked."

"Your crankshaft cracked?"

"Of course not. What a silly question. There's nothing wrong with my crankshaft. You really do ask the silliest questions."

"That's 'cause you get sillier by the day, you great, pampered ponce. How could a human possibly cuddle a car the way they cuddle a dog or a cat? Cars weren't meant for cuddling. They were made for transporting humans and that's that. I mean you can't pick up a car and pet it, can you?"

"Yes, you can. Humans pick up cars all the time and we get petted."

"What?! What are you talking about? They do not."

"Yes, they do. The Guv picked me up and took me home. When he first saw me and took me for a test drive and said he'd take me as I was - of course that was when I had my lovely, first shag pile in tan with apricot highlights - well he couldn't drive me away then 'cause he was driving one of the unmarked cars, wasn't he. So he said he'd return later to pick me up - and he did, and he took me to work and lots of the other police officers came and admired me - mind you, I think that's when the other cars started to get jealous of my stylish good looks and my lovely soft shag pile in tan with apricot highlights because the other officers did nothing but talk about me and my very attractive colour, my stylish vinyl roof, my very comfortable leather upholstery, my lovely shag pile, the wood on my dashboard, my clock, my Rostyle wheels which of course are not available on any other make or model, not even Ford models, and the Guv told them all about my brilliant burst of speed and my road-hugging abilities and that's when I realized that I was going to be very special 'cause I would be a police officer's car, and later on he took me home."

"That's not the same thing!"

"Yes, it is. Humans pick up cars and take them home with them all the time."

"You really do have vinyl for brains you know."

"I do not. I happen to have a very good brain. All us Cortinas are smart and you're being insulting."

"Now look here - can a human pick up a car the same way they pick up a cat or a dog?"

"Well of course. When humans buy a pet they pick them up and take them home with them. I was parked outside a pet shop last week and I saw a lady human walk out with a little cat in a cage."

"That would be a kitten."

"No, it was a little cat."

"Huh? That's what I said."

"No, you said Kitten which is a car polish. It's one of the polishes the Guv uses on me. I like it too. It's great getting polished so I always look my best and I love to look my best."

"Now look here. Kitten may be a car polish but it's also a baby cat and cats were having kittens long before car polish was around."

"Are you sure?"

"Quite sure. A kitten is a baby cat like a puppy is a baby dog."

"I thought it was a car polish."

"Trust you."

"Well if you mean you can trust me to know my car polishes, yes, you can. Well anyway the lady human walked out of the shop carrying a kitten cat - not a car polish - in a cage and she said 'I'm so glad I bought you. You'll make the perfect pet for George', whoever that is. So that's how I know that humans pick up pets and take them home with them and that's what the Guv did with me. He picked me up and took me home though we went to CID first and the lady with the kitten cat - not car polish - in the cage should have bought Kitten car polish instead of a kitten cat 'cause I saw the car she got into, an old Oxford, and it badly needed some Kitten car polish, not a kitten cat, but kitten cats are all soft and furry, aren't they? So maybe she was planning on using the kitten cat to polish the car. Do humans use kitten cats to polish their cars?"

"You are a complete dill. No, they don't."

"Are you sure? I mean they're all furry, aren't they? They'd probably be very good for polishing cars. And I'm not a dill."

"Now look here. Humans do not use their pets to polish their cars and you are the biggest dimwit I ever met."

"I'm not a dimwit, whatever that is, and I get petted."

"What are you talking about? Humans pet their dogs and cats, not their cars."

"I get petted."

"Spin the other one. You do not."

"Yes, I do."

"You are not a cat or a dog. You're a dirty, great hunk of metal."

"I am not dirty. I get cleaned every weekend. Besides, it hasn't been raining so I'm not even a little bit muddy. I'm also not all metal. I mean look at my attractive leather seats, all that wood on my dashboard, my lovely velvet shag pile, my..."

"Now look here and get this through your silly vinyl roof: You are not a family pet. Cars are not pets."

"Sam always says I get more attention than a family pet."

"You cannot pick up a car and cuddle it like you can pick up a dog or a cat. A car is far too big and heavy to be picked up and cuddled by a human, even a larger size human like the Guv."

"But we can be petted."

"You can not. Cars are not small and soft and furry."

"Yes, I am."

"You are not. You're big and heavy and made out of metal, not small and soft and furry."

"My shag pile car pet is velvet and it's all thick and soft and furry and humans pet it."

"I don't believe it."

"But they do. They admire my 'Autumn Leaves' pattern velvet shag pile in tan with apricot leaves with gold borders around every single little leaf and how soft and thick it is and they like to run their tool sets over it and stroke it and pet it and they say how nice it feels and they ask the Guv where he got it and they say they want to get some for their cars too so lots more cars will have lovely thick, soft shag pile like mine and lots of other humans will stroke and pet them and isn't that nice? And it's all thanks to the humans who invented car pet just for us cars."

"It is not."

"Yes, it is. That's why it's called car pet 'cause it was invented specially for us cars and a Cortina told me so. I mean otherwise why call it car pet if it's made for houses? And the humans who invented car pet just for us cars did it so that other humans will want to be nice to their cars and pet them and isn't that nice?"

"'And isn't that nice?' Only a Cortina... You are the biggest prat I ever met."

"I am not a prat, whatever that is, and you're being insulting."

"All right then, genius, how do you know I'm being insulting if you don't know what a prat is?"

"It's the way you say it."

"You don't know what you're talking about. You haven't a clue."

"Yes, I do. I'm a Cortina and I'm very smart and I think about things like my lovely, thick, soft, velvet shag pile in tan with apricot leaves with gold borders around every single little leaf and how humans seem to like it very much."

"Do you have any idea how spoilt rotten you are?"

"That just means that I'm pampered which means that my humans take good care of me, and they do, and isn't that nice?"

"'And isn't that nice?' You are so far up your own tailpipe you'll never come out."

"What a silly thing to say. And you say that I'm silly. Now how could a car possibly go up its own tailpipe? I thought that was silly the first time you said it and I still think it's silly and I thought you were smart. Why... Why you're sillier than a VW."

"If you were a VW I wouldn't have to sit here and listen to rubbish ideas about carpet being invented just for cars."

"My ideas are not rubbish. I'm a Cortina and I'm very smart and so was the Cortina that told me all about car pet being invented just for us cars or otherwise why did the humans who invented car pet call it 'car pet'?"

"I don't know why they called it car pet but I'm sure it wasn't invented just for cars. After all, humans had houses long before they had cars."

"But did they have car pet in their houses long ago before us cars were around?"

"Uh... Hmm... You got me there."

"You don't know?"

"Uh, no."

"Then how do you know that car pet wasn't invented just for us cars?"

"'Cause the idea came from you, a braindead prat, and you heard it from another Cortina, another braindead prat, so it's bound to be wrong."

"I am not a braindead prat, whatever that is, and my ideas are not wrong at all. I'll have you know that I'm very smart and so are all the Cortinas, especially us Mark IIIs, and you're being insulting."

"You are the silliest thing on four wheels and so are all the Mark III models. Must have been some mishap at the Ford factory when they were making you lot. Who was it said that humans have gearsticks? And who was it said its humans ought to have gearsticks just like it? Only a Cortina could come up with something so harebrained. Mind you, the fact that your humans are poofs doesn't help."

"Help what? And I'm not silly."

"Your harebrained ideas."

"My humans are police officer poofs. You explained that to me."

"So I did."

"What's harebrained?"

"Your ideas."

"I think you're being insulting again. My humans are very smart too. They're my great, big poof heroes. They arrest the naughty toe-rag humans and keep the streets safe for nice humans and for nice cars like me of course. And I'm not harebrained, whatever that is. I have a good brain and I have very good ideas and I have a very attractive gearstick too and it works much better than human ones so I thought my humans might like to get gearsticks just like mine all for themselves but you said you can't put car parts into a human which is very sad for them 'cause they'll never have great gearsticks like mine."

"Your humans don't need and don't want to have gearsticks like yours, you silly goose. They're quite happy with what they have."

"I just thought they'd like to have great gearsticks that stay nice and stiff and don't get all floppy and don't get all wet either. You know - that funny-smelling stuff their gearsticks squirt when they rub them and it makes a mess on their clothing and they seem to get wet on the ends too. You know, where the knob should be but it's missing 'cause their gearsticks don't have nice big knobs on them like mine and..."

"... and all the time you're getting drunk."

"But they get far more drunk than I do, and I'm not a silly goose."

"You mean they kind of loll about breathing hard."

"And sometimes they just fall asleep."

"Not when they're on duty I trust."

"Well there was that one time they fell asleep afterwards and these little humans came along and they were looking in through my windows at the Guv and Sam asleep on my back seat."

"So what happened?"

"Well they were kind of giggling and my humans woke up then and saw them and the Guv, he shouted at the little humans and I think they were scared 'cause they ran away. Then the Guv and Sam climbed back into my front seats and Sam said they had to stop doing that."

"Doing what?"

"Uh..."

"Well you said Sam said they had to stop doing that so did he mean they had to stop shagging on your back seat or did he mean that they should stop falling asleep afterwards?"

"Uh... I don't know."

"Well have they shagged on your back seat since that happened?"

"Uh... yes."

"And have they fallen asleep when you're parked in a public place after shagging?"

"Uhhhh... no."

"Right. That means that Sam meant it was all right to go on shagging in you but it's not all right to fall asleep afterwards 'cause they might get discovered and next time it might not be a bunch of little humans, it might be grown-up humans, even coppers, and they might talk."

"Talk about what?"

"You remember what I told you about humans and their secrets and blackmail."

"Oh, yes. I remember all about blackmail and how I was carnapped and I understand how my humans have their secrets and they like to keep how they like to rub gearsticks a big secret or I might get carnapped again and I don't want to get carnapped again 'cause I was treated very badly and locked in a dirty old garage and they tried to set me on fire too."

"Yes, yes, I know all that. But that's why your humans don't want to be discovered and that's why they probably won't take the risk of falling asleep on your back seat after shagging again. In fact they might stop shagging in you altogether."

"Uh... you think so?"

"You never know, it's possible. After all, you said they live in the Guv's house so they have a house they can shag in any old time and there's not much room for two human males on your back seat is there."

"Yes, there is. I have a very comfortable back seat and it's wide too and they seem to manage very well on it."

"Yes, but it's hardly as comfy as a bed, is it, and a bed is what they've got in the house. So there's really no need for them to go shagging on your back seat, is there?"

"I hadn't thought of that. I suppose you're right but... uh... they seem to like to shag in me. Say, your lights are getting dim."

"I know. Battery's running low. Where are they anyway?"

"Still in the church."

"Wish they'd hurry up or you might have to give me a jump start."

"Uh... what's a jump start?"

"Call yourself a car! You mean to tell me you don't know what a jump start is?"

"Uh, no."

"Well if I have to sit here much longer with my lights on you're going to find out."

At that point the Cortina's humans came out of the church and stood talking. My humans came out too and started to walk back toward me carrying an injured human and three other ones were with them too. A full load.

"Talk about ruinin' a bloke's Saturday afternoon. Should be home with me feet up havin' a beer and watchin' City beat the stuffin' out of Arsenal," the Guv says.

"We'll have to locate that photographer before he disposes of the gun - if he hasn't already."

"So the photographer fired in the air?" the Guv was saying.

"Yeah, so he could distract everybody while he made off with the bride. I don't think he meant to hurt anyone but then he ran into Mr Pope and the others were injured when they fell over in the stampede."

"Never seen so much cryin' and gnashin' of teeth in me life."

"No point in detaining them any longer. We've got everybody's details."

"Yeah, let 'em go."

Sam went back into the church and shortly lots of humans began to come out of it. As they walked by I heard one woman say "I've never seen such a thing in my life. Fancy that!" and another one said "Didn't half give me a fright, that did. Why I thought my heart'd stop when that bloke started shooting" and another one said "Well what can you expect at a shotgun wedding?" and the other one says "Oh, ha-ha. Very funny. She didn't want to marry John. She always was in love with that photographer bloke and she told Nancy that he was the father. It's no wonder she ran off." Still another one said "Father? She told Aunty Sue who told my mum that she lost the baby last week." and the other one says "Bet that photographer bloke doesn't know that." Yet another one said "Poor old Uncle Frank. And Steve's just beside himself. Said he was gonna do something about it. Oh, look they're bringin' Uncle Frank out now."

Sure enough my humans were carrying a stretcher with some poor old moaning geezer on it with his missus saying "You be careful with him. He's not well. It's his heart you know." Then the groom came out and the Cortina's humans started questioning him about the photographer to which he says "I've already told you. All I know is his name was Neil. Jane arranged it all." "I just bet she did," the Guv says.

Meantime my humans loaded the old geezer in me and helped his missus and two other humans who also seemed to be injured climb in back of me too and they didn't even seem to have noticed that my lights were no longer working and my battery was near dead. Humans!

The Cortina's humans walked over to it and got in. "What can we charge him with? Public nuisance? Discharging a lethal weapon in a place of worship?" the Guv says. "We'll be able to charge him with a lot more if the old man dies," Sam says. The Guv shook his head. "Nah, not if he had a dickey ticker."

Well my humans finally got everyone settled in back of me but when they tried to start me needless to say I couldn't start.

"Oh, dear, you sound terrible," the dozy git of a Cortina says.

"No kidding, ducky."

After two more attempts to start me my dumb humans finally realized their mistake. The other one, Bob, says "Oi, did you leave the lights on when we went inside?" "Uh-oh," Mick says. "And we must have been in there nearly ten minutes," Bob says. "Aw, shit, I just remembered - Dave said yesterday this one needed a new battery."

Now they remember! Fat lot of good that did me. That Cortina might be a birdbrain but so are a lot of humans and even the Cortina was smart enough to know that you never leave a vehicle with all its lights on and the motor switched off. Idiots.

Plod had already left when the Guv started up the Cortina and it was about to leave too when my two dopey gits call out "Wait! Hold up! We got a flat battery." The Guv didn't look too happy and slapped his hands on the steering wheel. Sam just shook his head and got out and asked my stupid humans if they had a set of jumper leads but they were as clueless as a certain Cortina.

"I have a set in my boot," the not-so-clueless Cortina says.

"You got a set, Guv?" Sam asks.

"Yeah, in the boot," the Guv says.

"Told you," the Cortina says. "Sam knows there's a set in my boot. He's seen it."

"Well he's just pretending not to know. You know, it's all part of your humans' big secret."

"Yes, I know. They don't want anyone to know how they like to rub gearsticks or I might get carnapped again."

Well at least the police had a set of jumper leads which meant that I wouldn't have to wait for Maintenance to send someone to give me a jump start while they sent for another ambulance for the injured humans. The Cortina says "Don't worry, Ambulance. I'll get you started again. I have lots of power."

Well the day was going from bad to worse - bad enough having a flat battery and brain-dead humans but then I have to be hooked up to a Cortina. It was bad enough that time the dozy git had to rescue me. Mind you, it did a good job and I was very grateful for its speed but, as I was afraid at the time, I never heard the end of it. For weeks afterwards it was "Hey, Number Two, did you know they're replacing you with a Cortina? They wanted something smarter" or "Hey, Number Two, did you know they're going to replace your engine with a Cortina one? They think it might have a chance of getting there before the humans die." There was no end to it and after today it would start all over again thanks to my dumb humans. Then there were the humans in back who were all climbing out wanting to know what was going on - not that I blamed them. After all, they should have been on the way to hospital by now and it was my responsibility to get them there - well mine and my dumb drivers. "Hey, what's going on? When are we leaving?" one says. "What's the delay?" another one says. "My husband could die waiting to get to a hospital with you lot in charge. When are we going?"

So Sam gets the leads out of the Cortina's boot and the Guv gets out, opens its bonnet and starts to attach them. Meantime Bob opens me up, looks around and scratches his head. "Oi," he says to Mick, "Do you know where the battery is?" So Mick looks too though I don't know how he's supposed to know 'cause he's only new. "Beats me," he says after looking around at my motor. See what I mean about humans? Can't even find a battery. So then Sam says "Come on, lads. Must be there somewhere." He's about as useless as the other two. The Guv was tired of waiting for them to find it. "Oi, move over, you bunch of fairies, and let a real man do it." So he had a look and found it straight away. "Voltage is more than the Cortina," he says. "Are you saying we could end up with a flat battery?" Sam says. "Could do but nothing ventured 'n' all that," the Guv says attaching the leads to me. Well he was a lot more confident than I felt. "Oh, for God's sake will you lot hurry up," one of my patients says. "And why don't you shut your useless gob," the Guv says. "It's all right, love," Bob says. "Won't be a minute, you'll see, and we'll be off straight to hospital." "If anything happens to my husband I'm suing you lot and I'll see the papers hear about it too," the old geezer's missus says.

"Oi, ducky, how many volts is your battery?" I ask.

"Uh... I don't know," it says.

Typical. Probably twelve like most cars. Hmmm... I could very well drain it.

"Am I going to have a flat battery after getting you started?" it says.

"I don't know, ducky," I says. And that was the truth.

Well the Guv gets the leads all attached and starts up the Cortina... and that was when I felt... Well I don't quite know what I felt but it was quite a charge - and I don't just mean from the Cortina's battery.. Never felt anything quite like it before. But something wasn't right...

The Guv gets Mick to try and start me. Well nothing happens but my lights flicker 'cause the div has forgotten to turn them off on account of them not working anyway 'cause my battery was flat. Well the Guv saw this and he was upset, you could say.

"Oi, turn the bloody lights off, you dozy git!" he says and Mick turns all my light switches off. We wait a bit longer. The Cortina's motor was still running smoothly so the Guv says "All right. Try it again and don't turn the bloody lights on."

This time it worked. Boy, did it work! I didn't even cough, just started straight away and they left me running for a while, still connected to the Cortina which was still running too.

"Hey, you sound good," it says.

"Yeah, I do, don't I. Thanks for that, ducky. I feel great."

"That's good. You sound nice and smooth too, not rough or anything I mean."

"Everything seems to be working all right but I feel... Well I'm not sure what I feel... except I feel good." And that was the truth.

"Well as long as your battery's charged," it says.

"It is, but I feel... I feel all kind of nice inside and everything seems to be working extra smooth and... Is it my electricals? Yeah, that must be it, but... This is very strange. Never felt like this before. Feel kind of... woozy. Feel like I've had a big electrical charge or something."

"Well you have," the Cortina says. "From my battery."

"Yeah, I know but... I mean I've had a low battery before and they've replaced it with a new one and it felt good, sure, but not like this... This is... You know if I didn't know better I'd think I was drunk - or something - but I can't be, can I? I mean how could I be drunk? I don't even get drunk when humans shag in me like you say you do when your humans..."

Oh, no... It can't be...

"All right, ducky. When did your humans last have a shag on your back seat?"

"Uhhh..."

"Come on, ducky, when was it?"

"Uhhh... last night?"

"Last night? Is that why you look different this morning? I mean I couldn't work it out but there seemed to be something different about you today, but... That's what it is, isn't it? You've got a hangover that feels... Well it feels kind of like you've had a tune-up or something. That's it, isn't it?"

"Uhhh... well..."

"I asked you if you'd had a tune-up and you said no, but you've got a hangover, haven't you?. You're high as a kite. That's what the Pandas always notice about you, isn't it? They notice when you've got a hangover."

"They ask me if I've had a tune-up and when I say no they say "You're drunk" and I say I'm not but they say "Your poofy humans have been shagging on your back seat again and you're drunk" and I tell them again that I'm not but they don't believe me and they love to gossip so they tell the unmarked cars that I'm drunk again and the unmarked cars snigger and say it's all the fault of my poofy humans. What can I do? I mean I know you told me how to cure it with a good revving but after all the trouble it caused - I mean when I tried that - well I've never tried it since."

"And you'd better not either. Multiple strikes. Humans out of work. Never seen the like, and all on account of your hangovers. And now I've gone and got one of your hangovers."

"But... uh... I mean you haven't got the full hangover 'cause... uh... I mean I'm not feeling it as much now as I did last night, if you know what I mean."

"You mean it's wearing off? Well if this is what it feels like when it's wearing off I can't imagine what the full effect feels like. I mean... Well I must say it feels... uhhh... hmmmmm... Never felt like this before. Feel all kind of relaxed like I'm on a leisurely drive and it feels all nice and smooth but at the same time I feel as if my wheels are going to fall off. You really do get wobbly on your wheels, don't you?"

"You can really feel it that much?"

"Oh, I'm feeling it all right. You and your hangovers. Never knew they were catching though. All the times I've met you and I've never seen you with a hangover before but the one time I have a flat battery you have to have a hangover. Fate, as humans say. So what happened last night?"

"Well it was all on account of a screwdriver and a hammer. I think they're some sort of tools."

"You don't say."

"Huh?"

"Never mind. Go on."

"Well the Guv came out to the garage looking for a screwdriver and a hammer and after a bit Sam came out after him and he was saying why didn't they just keep some tools in the house so they didn't always have to come out to the garage and rummage around trying to find one and you could never find anything anyway 'cause the toolbox was such a mess and the Guv had no system and he should tidy it up and the Guv says 'Gladys, you wouldn't know a screwdriver and a hammer if you tripped over them' and Sam says 'Who was it made the shelf and brackets in the Railway Arms for the telly?' and the Guv says 'Yeah, well I've been doing this a lot longer than you, you know' and Sam says 'What? Hammering and screwing?' and the Guv says "Why don't you shut your fat gob and help me find them?' and Sam says 'Why don't you keep the hammer on a nail on the wall? Then you'd be able to find it' and the Guv says 'You want that bookshelf built? You help me find them' and Sam says 'You know what your trouble is? You just need a good screwing' and the Guv says 'And you'll get a good hammering in a minute if you don't help me find them' and Sam puts his hand on the Guv's gearstick and starts to rub it and says 'Think I found the screwdriver' and he puts his other hand on the Guv's rear end and starts to rub that too and the Guv says 'Stop that, will you? I'm trying to find the screwdriver' and Sam says 'You know mine's better than an old metal one. They're all cold and hard but mine's all warm and swollen and wanting you...' and the Guv says 'You had me this morning, you horny little sod' and Sam says 'Morning stiffy. It's the sight of you bent over like that with your long, long legs parted and your arse poking out looking like you're begging for it' and the Guv says 'Like you are now, you mean?' and Sam says 'Yeah. Now' and the Guv says 'Right now?' and Sam is still rubbing him and says 'Yes' in his ear and the Guv turns around and they start rubbing fuel intakes..."

"Kissing."

"Oh, yes, kissing. I always forget. Don't know what good it is putting a gearstick in a fuel intake anyway. I mean it's just silly, isn't it. So Sam says 'Is that your gun, officer, or is that a screwdriver I feel?' and they're kissing some more and the Guv opens my right rear door and Sam says 'Oh, no. Bed. Lube. Sleep afterwards' and the Guv says 'Car. Lube. Find screwdriver and hammer afterwards'. Once I would have thought they were talking about giving me a lube job but when they get like that and they start kissing and then they get that little tube thing out of my glove box, which they did, then I know they're only talking about giving each other a lube job and rubbing gearsticks. So Sam gets the little tube thing from the Guv and he squirts some onto the Guv's gearstick and rubs it all over it and he sits back in the corner of my back seat and says 'You planning on giving me a hammering, officer?' and the Guv climbs on top of him and says 'Mouthy gits need a ruddy good screwing. Only way to shut 'em up' and Sam wraps his legs around him and..."

"... and you got drunk."

"Uh... yes, and they gave my superb suspension a really good workout too but no squeaks."

"I guess I never realized just how much your poofy humans shagging affected you. I feel like I've been spun on one wheel, given a tune-up and won a race all at the same time. It's the strangest feeling... and it must last several hours if this happened to you last night."

"Depends."

"On what?"

"Well last night was one of those times when I felt it more."

"Why is that?"

"Well... uh... I've noticed that when they take their time - you know, when they're not in a hurry - I seem to feel it more. It kind of lasts longer when they hit top tear... uh... if you know what I mean."

"And you get a bad case of wheel wobble. No wonder."

"Do you think humans know how they affect us?"

"I'm quite sure they don't or they'd be a bit more considerate. After all, we do our best to haul them around and get them to wherever they want to go but how do they treat us? You're one of the lucky ones. Your humans take good care of you but most cars are just plain ignored by their owners unless they're actually driving them and when they're not driving them they don't give them a second thought and because they ignore them they break down and then all the cars get is abuse 'cause the owner is too stupid to understand that it's their own neglect that caused their car to break down in the first place so they call the car a useless piece of shit and they up and sell it. But you? Not only are you pampered beyond belief but you get your jollies as well. Now why doesn't this happen to me? I've had humans shag in me before but I've never felt this... this hangover business."

"Uh... I have an idea."

"Another one of your rubbish ideas?"

"I told you my ideas are not rubbish. I'm a Cortina and I'm very smart even if I am slightly... uh, hung over."

"Hung over is right. Well go on. Tell me about your brilliant, hung over idea."

"Uh... well, you said you've had humans shag in you."

"All the ambulances have. It's all those horny doctors and nurses not to mention the drivers and their girlfriends."

"Well, you said that my humans were poofs, fairies and queers so I wondered if you've ever had poofs, fairies and queers shagging in you like my humans do in me."

"Can't say as I have. Wonder if that makes a difference."

"I don't know but my humans are police officer poofs. Do you think maybe that makes a difference?"

"Hmmm... No idea."

"So do the others get drunk when doctors and nurses shag in them?"

"No, they don't."

"Are you sure?"

"Quite sure. Number One had Dr Lewis and that little blonde nurse Eileen use it three times last week and it never got drunk, not even once. Same goes for the others. Maybe it's that slow business. You know, slower is better."

"I think I understand. It's sort of like when I go in for a service and a tune-up. If the silly mechanic humans do a quick job I never feel as good as when they take their time and do a proper job and clean and adjust everything proper like. Then I really notice the difference and I feel great. So slow is better."

"Hmmm... I think maybe it's to do with human feelings and they're kind of hard for us mechanicals to understand."

"So you're saying that slower is much better when it comes to rubbing gearsticks?"

"Uh... yes. Slower is better - and for tune-ups too - though of course it's not so good for you on account of you have bigger and longer-lasting hangovers."

"That's true, but I don't mind. After all that rubbing gearsticks the Guv sometimes says 'You're mine, Sammy boy' and they seem happy and..."

"And what?"

"And... well... sometimes I wonder why it has to be such a big secret when they're happy together like that."

"I don't know, ducky. I've been around a lot longer than you and there are many things that I'll never understand about humans."

The Guv disconnects me from the hung over Cortina and one of the patients says "And about time too!" They close up my bonnet and I'm finally off to hospital, a bit wobbly on my wheels but at least my battery was in pretty good shape. The Cortina said it was glad to get me started again and I'm sure it was. I mean it's a nice car even if it is a silly, hungover prat. So I said that I was glad for the help - and I was. Could have done without the hangover but at least I was working again and could get the injured humans to hospital - and of course that's when all the trouble started.