The Cortina Chronicles 8: A Beacon in the Mist

by Clonesgirl

---

A spot of smuggling and human burial rituals all add up to a perilous night for the clueless car and its occupants.

The technical stuff:

RATING:                  PG Green Cortina
PAIRING:                Gene/Sam
WORD COUNT:      8,610
WARNINGS:            Some slashiness, long sentences (definite running off at the mouth), burial rituals,
                                 Frankenstein conversations and old horror movies.
SPOILERS:              None
ARCHIVE:               The Motley Collection
DISCLAIMER:         Characters borrowed strictly for fun, not profit.  No offence intended.
BETAING:               Not betaed, so if you spot any goofs please let me know.
FEEDBACK:           Would be lovely, not to mention encourage me to scribble some more fic
NOTE:                     If you wish to link to this story it would be much appreciated if you could let the
                                 author know.

*   *   *

Well I saw that silly, great, poncy Cortina last week and it had an interesting tale to tell.  Reckoned one of its humans wasn't around any more.

"What do you mean Sam's not around any more?  Something happen to him?"

"He's... uh... undercover, whatever that means."

"You don't know what 'undercover' means?"

"Uh... no.  Except he's not around."

"And you call yourself a police car.  What am I going to do with you?"

"Uh... tell me what 'undercover' means?"

"I'm an ambulance not a police car.  Ask the others."

"They'll just tell me I have shag pile for brains and say I'm hung over and I tell them I'm not and I'm never drunk on the job but they just say 'You can't fool us.  We're police cars and we know your poofy humans have been shagging on your back seat again 'cause you're drunk' and I say I'm not and they say I am 'cause I'm hung over.  What can I do?"

"You and your poofy humans.  It means he's in disguise, you great dill."

"I'm not a dill, whatever that is, but... uh... what do you mean he's in the skies?  You mean in an aeroplane?"

"You are a complete dill.  Not 'in the skies', 'in disguise.'"

"In disguise?  Uh... what does that mean?  And I'm not a dill, complete or otherwise."

"It means he's off being someone else and you are a dill or you'd know that."

"Uh, you mean he's not Sam anymore?  And I'm not a dill."

"Of course he's still Sam, you silly git.  I mean he's pretending to be someone else.  You know about pretending.  We've talked all about it before."

"Yes, I know all about pretending 'cause you explained it to me.  That's when you think you're a different car, like maybe one of those big Rolls you told me about that carry the queen of humans around but I said I didn't want to be a Rolls 'cause I like my job and I like my humans - they're my great, big poof heroes - and I'm not a silly git."

"Yes, yes, I know.  You like your poofy humans and they spoil you rotten, but we were talking about being undercover.  Have you seen Sam since he's been undercover?"

"Uh... well maybe."

"What do you mean 'well maybe'?"

"Well I think so.  For a few nights now the Guv has taken to driving me out very late - I mean after one o'clock in the morning and we always seem to go the same way around past an old building.  Quite out of the way it is.  Takes about twenty minutes to get there from the Guv's house.  I mean I wondered why we were going there at all 'cause I mean he wouldn't park or anything, just drive past and we'd drive right up to the end of the street past the old cemetery there and back again and there were always some humans there and I think one of them might have been Sam, but... uh... he didn't really look like Sam, if you know what I mean."

"Means he's in disguise."

"I think so.  It's very dark there and you know how cold it's been lately and the Guv said something about a frost tonight and saying how he'll have to put antifreeze in me and this morning he was saying how the stubborn bugger would freeze his balls off."

"Yeah, it's cold and getting colder.  The Guv must be worried about Sam being on his own like that."

'Well he was, but then last night - it was just after midnight...  You remember it was all foggy?"

"Yeah, a real pea-souper.  Got called out to a pub.  Seemed some geezer was dancing on the bar and fell off it and cracked his head.  They thought he was just drunk but at chucking out time they couldn't wake him so they finally realized something was wrong and that's where I came in.  That fog was starting to get thick then and it was cold."

"Yes, it was very cold.  Well the Guv took me out again and I knew something was going to happen."

"How do you mean?"

"Oh, he checked his gun when I was stopped at a red light.  Then he pulled out another gun and checked that too and put it in my glove box.  Anyway we went to that same place but this time he pulled up in front of that old building and Sam was there and he got out and arrested him."

"He what?"

"He said he was taking him in for questioning on sus... sus...  Well it was to do with a robbery or something."

"The word is 'suspicion'."

"What word?"

"That word you're trying to say."

"Oh, yes, that big human word that I can never remember.  Suspicion.  Yes, that's it.  So he cuffed Sam and opened the door and pushed him in and Sam was saying that the Guv had got the wrong man and it wasn't him and some of the people there started shouting about bastard coppers and the Guv said he'd arrest them too if they didn't shut up.  Then he got back in and we drove away and the Guv gave Sam a key to unlock the handcuffs and said that he'd got his message and Sam said that it was on for tonight and he'd seen the lights in the cemetery and the Guv said that it was just as well that it was tonight or he might have frozen to death and he was not having Sam die of new money."

"Die of what?"

"Uh... new money?"

"'New money'?  How could anyone die of new money?  Oh, I know!  Trust you.  You mean pneumonia."

"That's a big word.  New money... ah?"

"No, pneumonia."

"You know all these big human words."

"And you're lucky to know 'cat' 'cause you're thick as two tyres.  Go on."

"Not if you're going to insult me.  I'm not a dill and I'm not a silly git, whatever they mean, and I'm not thick as two tyres, whatever that means, and I have a very good brain.  All us Cortinas are very smart.  It's not my fault if I don't know all these big human words.  After all, I'm not an ambulance like you."

"Just as well.  Never met a Cortina yet with even half a brain."

"You're being insulting and I'm not saying another word."

"Oh, do get on with it."

"Not until you apologize for saying us Cortinas are thick as two tyres and we only have half a brain when we're all very smart, we look great and we're stylish too."

"Oh, all right.  I apologize.  Now will you get on with the story?"

"Not until you admit that all us Cortinas are stylish, snazzy and we have great brains."

"I'd sooner run on diesel."

The big, dopey git sat there and sulked and wouldn't say another word.

"All right.  I apologize."

It still sulked.

"All right.  I admit it.  Cortinas are stylish and snazzy."

"And we're very smart."

"All right.  You're very smart."

"That's better."

"So you went home?"

"Well the Guv said he wasn't having Sam die of that new money ah thing, whatever that is, and he said 'Blimey, if you're teeth chatter any louder I'll be needin' ear plugs' and he pulled over and took off his coat and covered Sam with it and then he turned my heater up to high and he took off his gloves and gave them to Sam too and Sam smiled and put them on and he pulled the coat up high so he was all covered with it and he said 'It's all warm and it smells of you' and the Guv said 'Well who else would it smell of - my Aunt Mabel?'  Then we went to the cemetery and the Guv used my radio telephone and asked when backup would be arriving.  He told Sam ten minutes.  Couldn't see much though even on high beam and of course the Guv had my fog lights on too 'cause the fog was so thick."

"So what happened at the cemetery?"

"So we parked there right in front of the entrance and we waited and it was all misty and the Guv gave Sam his flask and said to get some antifreeze into him and Sam put the flask to his fuel intake a couple of times but then he said he'd better not drink any more on an empty stomach and the Guv said not to worry 'cause there was plenty of food at home.  But... uh... I didn't know humans needed antifreeze too."

"They don't.  If it was one of the Guv's flasks then it must have been scotch.  Seems to warm up humans.  My drivers often have a nip of it."

"Oh.  So it wasn't really antifreeze, it was scotch."

"More than likely.  Of course too much scotch makes them drunk too."

"Yes, I thought scotch makes humans drunk.  Then they get all silly."

"Yeah.  Kind of like you.  So what happened then?"

"I am not silly - and I'm not drunk either."

"No, you just get hangovers on account of your poofy humans shagging on your back seat."

"They like to rub gearsticks."

"While you get drunk."

"I... might get slightly..."

"Rubbish.  You get high as a kite."

"Uh... well..."

"And you love it."

"Uh..."

"Go on, admit it.  You love your humans shagging on your back seat."

"Well... uh... it's very useful 'cause I can test my suspension and check for squeaks while I'm standing still and they're rubbing gearsticks."

"Found any squeaks lately?"

"Oh, no.  My suspension is superb as ever.  The salesman human who sold me to the Guv said that I was a very comfortable ride - and I am.  Everyone says so."

"I might have known."

"Then the Guv leaned over and started hugging Sam and rubbing him and my heater was still on high and it was very warm in me now and I think Sam got warmer and he kind of put his face in the Guv's collar and the Guv said how he'd missed him and Sam said 'You mean you've missed my cooking' and the Guv said 'That too' and Sam said 'Missed me in bed?' and the Guv said 'You know it.  Bed's freezin' without you.  Empty too' and then Sam said that the Guv had almost given the game away driving past every night and how he'd nearly wrenched his arm off when he'd arrested him but the Guv said he'd had to make it look good.  Then he opened up my glove box and pulled out something and gave it to Sam and Sam smiled and said 'A Mars bar, and look how fat it is.  Haven't had one in ages' and he started to eat it and the Guv said he couldn't wait to get him home and how he was tempted to haul Sam onto my back seat but Sam said that he was really knackered from lack of sleep and once this operation was over all he wanted was to go home, have a hot shower, a decent meal and fall into bed.  Then he asked the Guv if there was any food in the house and the Guv said there was some leftover potato and cabbage and Sam said to make bubble and squeak and then he asked if there was any bacon and eggs and the Guv said yes and Sam said he'd have some of that too even if his arteries hated him for it and the Guv said to consider it done.  Then they rubbed fuel intakes."

"You mean kiss.  That's what humans do you know - kiss."

"I can never remember all that human stuff."

"It's when they rub mouths."

"You mean their fuel intakes?"

"Yes.  And they use them to kiss."

"I can never remember.  Humans have too many parts.  Anyway they were rubbing them."

"You mean they were kissing."

"Yes, kissing."

"Or snogging."

"What's snogging?"

"Kissing."

"Then why do they call it snogging if it's kissing when what they're really doing is rubbing fuel intakes?"

"Well it's just another human word, isn't it."

"Humans have far too many words.  I'll never remember them all."

"So your humans were snogging?"

"Well not much 'cause the Guv was complaining that Sam was looking like the arse end of a badger and he rubbed the hair on Sam's face and Sam said he might keep it and the Guv said over his dead body 'cause he was not turned on by badgers.  You're making a funny noise.  What's a badger?"

"Ummm...  Don't think I've ever seen one but I think they're furry creatures and they come out at night to hunt."

"Hunt?  Hunt what?  They don't hunt for cars, do they?"

"Animals do not hunt for cars, you great prat.  Humans hunt for cars and they steal them too."

"Yes, I know.  I've been stolen by naughty toe-rag humans and it wasn't nice at all.  Well I'm glad to hear that animals don't hunt for cars.  Wish humans didn't.  Then we wouldn't get stolen.  Uhhh... maybe if cars had better locks we wouldn't get stolen?  And I'm not a great prat, whatever that is."

"Ford would rather spend money on shag pile than decent locks."

"I never thought of that."

"Would you give up your shag pile for better locks?"

"Uhhh... no."

"Like I said - prat."

"I am not a prat, whatever that is."

"Only a silly, great prat would rather have poncy shag pile than better locks."

"I'll have you know that my locks are very good, and I'm not a silly, great prat either and humans love my shag pile."

"You and your shag pile.  So what happened then?"

"Well backup finally arrived but it turned out to be some officer named Litton and some others and the Guv asked Litton what he was doing there and Litton said he had a man undercover in the gang and the Guv said that he'd had Sam undercover watching the cemetery and Litton said that he'd been planning it for months and he didn't need CID ballsing things up, whatever that means, and when would the Guv get it through his thick skull that smuggling came under RCS and not CID and the Guv could go dig his own grave 'cause this was his case and the Guv was not stealing his thunder, whatever that means.  Well then Sam spoke up and said that he'd been undercover for a week now and he'd seen the lights in the cemetery tonight and this was clearly a case of miscommunication between CID and RCS and there needed to be a unified approach to fighting crime on the part of all departments and that if he, Litton, had been working on this case for several weeks now then clearly the case belonged to RCS since they'd been working on it longer.  Well I thought the Guv was going to hit him and he started to shout at Sam about how they'd done a lot of work on this, especially Sam, but Sam shouted right back at him and said that this was the Guv's and Litton's fault for not cooperating with each other and getting their wires crossed and once this was all over he intended to set up weekly meetings between the Guv, Litton, Litton's DI and himself so they could exchange information about current cases and this sort of thing wouldn't happen again but since they were all there together well they may as well get on with it.  Well the next thing you know I hear another vehicle coming toward me out of the fog and it sounds like it's heading straight for me and it sounds like a lorry, and a big one too, and it was getting closer and closer."

"And you were parked nearest to the entrance."

"Yes.  I'd arrived first so the other cars were all parked behind me but we couldn't see the lorry 'cause of all the fog so the Guv jumps into me and turns on my headlights and the lorry driver must have seen me all right and only just in time 'cause he suddenly braked so close to me that I could feel the heat from its engine.  I told it to stop right there and it apologized for nearly hitting me.  The Guv and Litton and the others all had their guns pointed at the driver and the other man and told them to get out and put their hands in the air.  Then three more vehicles came roaring out of the cemetery gates and the first one stopped so suddenly behind the lorry that the second one piled into its rear and the third one piled into the second.  The Guv kept his gun on the two humans getting out of the lorry and Sam and Litton and the others all pointed their guns at the drivers and the humans in them got out but then suddenly the rear vehicle, a small van, backed up right through the gates and back into the cemetery, turned around and took off into the fog.  Then the Guv shouted to get the lorry and the other two vans out of the way and Litton's men moved them and Sam and the Guv jumped in me and we took off into the cemetery but with all the fog I could barely see where I was going and Sam was saying they'd never find the other vehicle 'cause of all the fog but the Guv says 'Wanna bet, Sammy boy?' and Sam says 'Slow down, Guv.  This place is a maze' and the Guv says 'That's why I'm relying on your knowledge of it' and Sam says 'You have to be kidding.  In all this fog?  We could drive right past the van and never see it.  Anyway for all we know they could have escaped out the other entrance' but the Guv says no 'cause he's got Plod covering it and Sam says 'Well there's no other way out then unless they can climb a nine foot wall'.  So on we went and Sam was shining a torch out of the window and saying how they'd never find them until it was light but the next thing you know there's a big, loud bang and a bullet hit a grave next to me as I went past.  Sam says 'Shit!' and the Guv says 'Did you see where that came from?' and we stop and they wind my windows down a bit and just sit there listening and looking and then Sam says how he's got an idea that maybe we passed the van and it could be behind us somewhere with its lights out and he tells the Guv to drive on so we drive on a bit faster and then Sam says to stop there and he goes to get out but the Guv says 'Do you wanna get shot?' but Sam says they'll be looking for my lights, not him, and no one's going to see him in all the mist anyway and he says to just drive on slowly and the Guv opens my glove box and hands him a gun and Sam checks it.  Then the Guv says 'You're not afraid of ghosts and ghoulies, are you, Sammy boy?  Seen Night of the Living Dead+?  Couldn't get me missus to see that one' but Sam said right now he was more concerned with the living.  What's a ghost?"

"Humans seem to think they're dead humans come back to haunt them."

"But... But you said dead humans can't climb out of the ground again.  Are you saying they can?"

"No, you silly git.  They're spirits."

"What's that?"

"Well they're...  they're uh... invisible."

"You mean they climb up out of the ground but you can't see them?"

"They do not climb up out of the ground.  Well at least I don't think so."

"But how do you know they don't climb up out of the ground if you can't see them?"

"Uh... hmmm...  You got me there, but I'm sure they don't."

"Well if they don't climb up out of the ground then where do they come from?  Do you mean like that nasty little girl who came out of my radio who called me 'Four Eyes' but only Sam could see her?"

"Well, yes, sort of like that, but she wasn't a ghost."

"So what was she?"

"A menace to us motor vehicles for one thing.  So what happened after that?"

"Well the Guv says 'Hang on' and he turns out all my lights and then Sam gets out real quiet like and he disappeared in the dark and all the fog and then the Guv turned on my lights again but I couldn't see Sam at all.  All I could see was a bit of the path ahead through the fog and all those standing stone things that seemed to be everywhere."

"You mean gravestones."

"Is that what they are?  Those standing stone things?"

"Yes.  They mark where a dead human is buried."

"What's 'buried'?"

"You know.  When they dig a hole and stick a dead human in it."

"Oh.  Is that what they do with dead humans?"

"Yes, they bury them in the ground in cemeteries and put a big stone on top of them."

"Uh, why do they put big stones on top of them?"

"So other humans will know where they're buried."

"But why would they want to know where a dead human is buried?"

"So they can visit the grave."

"But why would they want to visit a dead human?  I mean if they're buried they'd have to dig them up out of the ground and then they couldn't really talk to them 'cause the dead can't talk, or can they?"

"They don't dig them out of the ground.  As I understand it they just go there 'cause they like to remember the dead human."

"But can't they do that at home?  I mean why do they need to visit an old dead human with a piece of stone on top of them to remember them?  Humans are very strange like that."

"Humans are always strange."

"Are you sure dead humans can't climb out of the ground?  I mean maybe they put those big stones on them to stop them from climbing out."

"Only a Cortina...  Now get this through your silly vinyl roof: Humans may be strange but they're not that strange.  Once they're dead they stay dead.  Got it?  And you should know that, you've seen plenty of dead humans.  You've even had one in your boot and you said he never moved.  So that's what I mean.  Once they're dead they're dead and there's no bringing them back to life."

"You mean you can't take a part here and a part there, like you can with us I mean, and put them all together and you have a brand new vehicle - I mean human.  And my vinyl roof is not silly.  It's happens to be very stylish."

"Where do you get these ideas?"

"I'm a Cortina and I'm very smart.  I've heard that humans like to get old car parts and put them together and build a brand new car.  Isn't that nice?  I met a car last week.  Said it had parts from half a dozen other cars in it.  I think it was a bit mixed up.  Didn't seem to know what it was but I told it it was a Zephyr."

"Are you sure it was a Zephyr?"

"Well that's what it looked like on the outside but the inside I couldn't say and I don't think it knew either."

"Come to think of it I once met a motorbike which turned out to be a VW."

"A VW?"

"Yeah, a real VW.  Turned out the owner had put a VW car engine in his bike.  Very fast it was too."

"Not faster then me."

"Said it won races.  Loved being in a bike.  Mind you, still sounded like a VW."

"Anyway how do you know all this stuff about dead humans and graves?"

"'Cause one day one of my drivers died.  Heart attack they said.  I was the ambulance he drove the most so they took me to his funeral.  All draped in black I was.  Lots of humans came to pay their respects, as they say.  I watched them put his coffin into the ground.  Then afterwards they parked me outside a pub and they all went in and got drunk and later two of them came out of the pub and climbed inside me and shagged."

"So humans get drunk and shag when another human dies?"

"Humans get drunk any old time.  They shag any old time too - and you should know that with the way your humans shag."

"Well, yes, they do rub gearsticks a lot.  They seem to enjoy it very much.  Uh... what's a coffin?"

"It's a wooden box they put dead humans in and then they bury it in the ground."

"The box or the human?"

"Silly sod.  Now why would they bother to bury an empty box?  They put the human in the box and they bury the box."

"Oh.  Now I understand.  So dead humans are useless.  At least dead vehicles are always useful for spare parts and I'm not a silly sod."

"Yeah, that's true.  We're always useful for something and you are the silliest sod I ever met."

"Uh... well then a dead vehicle must be worth more than a dead human.  I mean you couldn't sell a dead human, could you.  I mean not when they've been in the ground like that and they're all nasty and smelly too, but you could always sell a dead motor vehicle."

"Hmmm.  There's something very strange going on here.  Are you growing a brain by any chance?"

"What are you talking about?  I have a very good brain and I've always had a very good brain.  Why do you say that?"

"'Because, strange as it seems, what you just said actually makes sense."

"I'll have you know that everything I say makes perfect sense.  A dead human is worth nothing.  They have a funeral, then they throw them in a hole in the ground and bury them but a dead motor vehicle can be used for its parts."

"I have to admit you're right, you know."

"You mean you didn't know that?"'

"Well I... uh... hadn't quite thought of it that way before."

"I told you I'm very smart.  All us Cortinas are smart."

"Don't push your luck.  Anyway what happened in the cemetery?"

"Uh... where was I?"

"Sam had got out."

"Oh, yes.  Sam got out and disappeared.  So the Guv drove on so I couldn't see Sam at all.  The mist was so thick and it was all around me.  So the Guv's driving me very slow and nothing happens for a few minutes and the Guv's looking around and he's saying to himself kind of quietly 'Sam, where the hell are you?' and then all of a sudden there's a shot and another one and he stamps on my brake and grabs his gun.  Then I hear another car behind me but it's not coming toward me, it sounds like it's taking off in the other direction and there's two more shots and then Sam jumps in and the Guv says 'So were they following us?' and Sam says 'They were parked up there on a rise, saw us go by and took a couple of pot-shots.  I got a couple of shots at them.' and the Guv says "Oh, I heard you all right.  Enough to wake the ruddy dead, you are' and Sam kind of pulled a face and said anyway they'd gone off in the opposite direction so we'd have to turn around.  The Guv looked around at all the trees and graves - well what you could see through the fog, which wasn't much - and says 'Oh, that's great, Gladys.  Any idea where?' and that's when all the trouble started."

"What trouble?  You mean turning you around?"

"Well the road was too narrow."

"Well you're not exactly small and manoeuvrable like a Mini, are you?"

"No, I'm a Mark III Cortina and I'm roomy and comfortable."

"You mean broad in the beam."

"I need more turning space than some other cars.  Why are you making that funny noise?"

"So what happened?"

"Well Sam says to go back 'cause the van must have found a place to turn around further back.  So the Guv starts backing me up but he can't see very well 'cause the fog is even thicker now so Sam gets out again with the torch and says 'Don't run me over' and he walks behind me for a bit and the Guv's still backing me up and then Sam walks off to one side with the torch and shines it around and says 'This should do' and the Guv sticks his head out and says 'Are you sure?' and Sam says 'It should be just wide enough.'  So the Guv turns me and backs me up onto the grass and that's when I got into trouble.  I could feel my wheels sinking in a bit and when he put me in gear again, well they spun and I went nowhere."

"Oh, dear.  Stuck, eh?"

"Stuck.  The Guv really put his foot on my accelerator but I was going nowhere fast and Sam shouted at him to stop 'cause he was only making matters worse and I was really getting bogged down 'cause the ground was all soft and muddy and the Guv says 'Oh, that's great, that is!  Thank you very much, Gladys.  We'll be here all night!' and Sam said 'Don't blame me.  You were the one who insisted on pursuing them into the cemetery in fog so thick we can barely see twenty feet in front of the car when we could have just left the gateways blockaded and caught them in the morning' and the Guv said 'The things I have to put up with.  DI Tyler, will you shut that ruddy great flapping mouth of yours, get behind and start pushing' and Sam said 'Why should I be the one to push?  I'm not the one who got it stuck in the first place.  All you're worried about is Litton having a laugh at the great DCI Hunt stuck in a cemetery and saying that's where you belong' and the Guv said 'Thank you very much, Marjorie, and you're the one has to push on account of you were the one who said "This should do" but you didn't bother to check the ground, did you?  And in case you haven't noticed it's been wetter'n the Atlantic Ocean round here lately but you didn't want to get your nancy, little feet muddy, did you?' and Sam said 'My kingdom for a Jeep' and the Guv said 'Why would you want one of them ugly things when you can drive in comfort and a bit of style?  A man'd freeze his balls off in one them things on a night like this' but Sam kind of made a face and went behind me and the Guv put his foot on my accelerator once more and Sam was pushing but I went nowhere and the Guv says to push harder and Sam tried again but it was no good.  The ground was too wet and muddy and my good tyres couldn't get a grip and his feet were sliding in the mud.  A lot of mud flew up from my wheels too and some of it got on Sam and he didn't look too happy."

"I bet he wasn't.  Humans hate having mud on them.  So what did they do?"

"Well the Guv got out and had a look and he said it wasn't too bad and he told Sam to go and find some rocks or a tree branch or something to put under my wheels, so Sam walked away shining the torch in front of him.  I could see him for a bit but then he disappeared behind some trees.  Then he came back again after a few minutes and he had a branch with him but it was only a small one.  The Guv looked at it and said 'That the best you could do?' and Sam says 'It's all I could find' and the Guv says 'Rubbish!  After that gale we had the other day there should be branches lyin' around everywhere' and Sam says 'Well maybe people took them home for firewood.  How should I know?'  So Sam put the branch under my wheels and the Guv got back in but when he put me in gear once more my left wheel broke the little bits and just spun and my right wheel wouldn't go over the thick part and it spun some more.'

"You were in trouble, weren't you."

"I was, and the Guv was most upset and said 'Don't you know anything?' and Sam said he'd never had to do this before and it doesn't happen with an all-wheel drive and he'd go look for another branch or something and he walked away but the Guv said the little prick would only get lost in all the fog so he got out and started after him.  So they walk away a bit and I can just see them through the fog when they stop and the Guv says 'Fresh graves.  Look at all them lovely flowers' and Sam says 'Guv, you're not gonna...' and the Guv says 'Oh, stop bein' such a girl.  There's two of 'em and they're broad enough to do the trick' and Sam says 'Yeah, but desiccating graves...'

"What?"

"Uh... dessicating graves?"

"I think you mean 'desecrating'."

"That's what I said - 'dessicating'."

"No.  'Desecrating'."

"Uh... dessy cating?"

"Crating."

"Dessy crating?"

"It'll do."

"Uh... what does dessy crating mean?"

"Uh...  damaging."

"Oh, now I understand 'cause Sam said it was dessy crating graves but the Guv said he was not spending the rest of the night looking for ruddy tree branches and getting lost in the fog and he'd dessy crate him if he didn't shut up.  Then he said "Look, Marjorie, if it makes you feel any better you can be the one to put 'em back and you can even say a prayer for the poor dead sods if you're so inclined.'"

"Put what back?"

"Those things that stick out of the ground.  Those cross things."

"Gravestones.  They took gravestones out of the ground?"

"Well, yes, except they were made of wood not stone.  The Guv pulled two of them out of the ground where they were sticking up.  Then they came back to me again and pushed them down into the mud in front of my rear wheels.  The Guv got in again and Sam said to take it slow and he got behind me and pushed some more.  Well the cross things really did the trick and once my rear wheels were on them I surged forward and I was back on the road again facing back the way we came in no time though not before my wheels kicked up some more mud and it got on Sam again.  You're making that funny noise again."

"You have a habit of getting stuck."

"It's not my fault if my humans are careless and I get stuck.  At least I haven't been stuck in a duck pond."

"You would have to bring that up."

"Anyway after I'm safely back on the road Sam goes to pick up the cross things but... uh... they were broken."

"Not only broad in the beam but heavy too."

"I'm sturdy and I'm built strong and I protect my humans... and you're making that funny noise again.  Anyway Sam picks up the pieces and they're all muddy and he says 'Oh, great!  That's really nice, that is' and he held them up so the Guv could see them and the Guv said 'Oh, do shut up, Dorothy.  It worked, didn't it?  If we did things your way we'd still be out there somewhere lost in the fog looking for ruddy tree branches' and Sam went to put them back and he managed to get them standing up but now they looked like sticks poking up out of the ground.  Well I mean they didn't look like crosses any more.  After that we we were off again."

"Off where to?  You're still in a cemetery."

"That's true, but at least we were moving again and we go a bit faster now through the fog but even with all my lights I can't see much and I don't think my humans can either and then Sam says 'I don't like this, Guv.  Lock the doors' and the Guv says 'You gettin' one of your feelings, Gladys?' and they lock all my doors and Sam says 'We're sitting ducks.  Lights blazing.  They could be waiting to ambush us' and the Guv says 'Dorothy, in case it escaped your attention we happen to be in the middle of a ruddy great pea-souper, or don't they get fogs in Hyde?  I am not turning the lights off" and Sam says 'Look, by now they must know we've got both the entrances blocked so they can't drive out in the van, but if they got their hands on this car they could drive straight through the police cordon' and the Guv says 'I can barely see where we're goin' with the lights on.  If I turn 'em off we'll end up gettin' stuck again not to mention runnin' over some poor sod's grave and then there'll be hell to pay.  Oh, I can see the headlines now: "Shocking destruction in cemetery.  Police rampage leaves trail of broken graves' and Sam says "In case you didn't notice, Guv, we already did that' and the Guv shouts 'If you had your way we'd still be stuck.  They were just wooden ones.  They can be easily replaced.  So right now I don't care if we stand out like a ruddy Christmas tree.  The last thing I need is sobbing parents on the telly sayin' how the police are responsible for wreckin' their poor dead son's grave.  The Super would have my balls on a skewer.'"

"So Sam thought whoever you were chasing might want to carnap you in order to get past the police at the entrances."

"Yes, and I didn't want to be carnapped again either.  It's not a nice thing to do to a nice car like me."

"So what happened then?"

"They argued some more.  Sam says 'He will anyway if anybody finds out it was you destroyed those two crosses' and the Guv says 'Me?  Who got us stuck in the first place, DI Tyler?  You're in this up to your scrawny neck' and Sam said 'That was your doing.  You insisted on an ill-advised pursuit in a pitch black cemetery in thick fog in the middle of the night when all we had to do was leave the entrances blockaded 'til morning then go in and get them.  At least then we'd have been able to see where we were going' and the Guv said 'Don't you come the high and mighty with me when it was you got me to back onto soft, muddy ground, or don't they have mud in Hyde?' and Sam said 'In... Hyde we have all-terrain vehicles so we don't have that problem' and the Guv said 'Bollocks.  What do they drive - them ugly Land Rovers?' and Sam said 'It's not my fault this thing is only rear wheel drive' and the Guv said 'Yeah, it's rear wheel drive like most other cars on the road and what's wrong with that?' and Sam said 'It has it's shortcomings' and the Guv says 'Bollocks' and Sam says 'Does' and the Guv says 'Does not' and Sam says 'Does.  That's why we got stuck' and the Guv says 'Does not, and need I remind you, DI Tyler, we got stuck 'cause of your poor judgement' and Sam says 'You just will not admit when you're wrong' and the Guv says 'That's 'cause I'm not wrong - and you are' and Sam says 'Am not' and the Guv says 'Are.'"

"Your humans have the silliest arguments."

"They do.  They argue a lot."

"Silly gits.  Some humans are like that though."

"Sam says they kiss and make up a lot too.  Then they rub gearsticks."

"So what happened then?"

"Well Sam says the only chance they'd have to get me would be for them to stand in the road and the Guv puts his gun in his lap and Sam holds his too.  Then we go down a bit of a hill and around a bend and the Guv had to slow me down for that and then the next thing you know just like Sam said there are two humans standing in the middle of the road and they have guns pointed right at me."

"Sounds like you were in trouble again."

"I was.  They were so close that the Guv could do nothing but stamp his foot on my brake or I'd have run over them.  'Out' they say and I think I'm going to be carnapped again and they each come around to either side of me and then the Guv and Sam look at each other and then they suddenly unlock my doors and open them so violently that they knock over the two toe-rag humans who are now lying there on the road in the fog and the Guv and Sam jump out and the Guv gives a good kick to the one on my right and his gun goes flying and the other one still had his gun and Sam is standing over him with his gun pointed at him saying 'Drop it.  You know you want to' and he did and the Guv kicked the other one again and picked up his gun."

"So your humans managed to save your orange hide once again."

"Aren't they great?  They're my great, big poof heroes.  And I'm not orange.  I'm russet bronze."

"Never mind your poncy colour and get on with the story."

"My colour is not poncy.  It's happens to be very attractive.  Humans say so."

"Will you get on with the story?"

"Oh, yes.  Well the Guv and Sam cuffed them and Sam marched them back to the entrance, which it turned out we were close to, and the Guv drove me along behind and the two prisoners were complaining all the while that the place gave them the creeps and Sam said 'You've seen Night of the Living Dead+, haven't you' and one of them said 'Yeah, and last week Carnival of Souls++ was on telly and it was creepy' and the other one said "Oh, I saw that too and afterwards I dreamt I was playing the organ and all the ghouls were after me' and Sam said 'Not ghouls, just police.  Anyway a pair of big, strong lads like you shouldn't be afraid of ghosts and ghoulies.  You've been watching too many horror movies.  Lucky for you you've got Manchester's finest to protect you."  Then one of them tried to make a break for it but Sam had a good grip on him and the Guv blasted my horn and shouted 'Oi!  Try that again and I'll run you over!' and they behaved themselves after that.  What are ghoulies?"

"I think they're sort of like evil ghosts."

"Have you ever met one?"

"No, and I don't want to either."

"Do you find ghosts and ghoulies in cemeteries then?"

"Don't rightly know.  Humans only talk about them at Halloween.  Then again a cemetery would be the place for them, wouldn't it.  All those dead humans in the ground and very dark at night too.  Humans get scared in places like that."

"Well I wasn't afraid.  I didn't know anything about ghosts and ghoulies and I was busy lighting the way for my humans and helping them catch the naughty smuggler humans.  Never saw any ghosts and ghoulies."

"So what were they smuggling?"

"Well when we got back to the lorry the officer called Litton said it was cigarettes and fancy French wine.  About four thousand quid's worth."

"Humans.  Who can work 'em out, eh?"

"I know.  I never understand them at all.  So after that Litton sent two of his men in an unmarked car into the cemetery to get the missing van but one of the the men said it was creepy in all that fog and he might get lost and Litton said he was a useless git and to follow orders, get in the cemetery and find the van and drive it back to the station which is where we all went.  It's strange driving through fog, isn't it.  Makes everything look very odd.  At least the streets were empty at that time of night and there was only us police cars around.  Very quiet."

"And after you got home?"

"After I was parked in the garage and they'd shut the gates and doors the Guv walked all around me and looked at the mud on my wheels and then he hugged Sam and said 'The house was empty without you, Sammy' and Sam said 'At least you had a roof over your head.  There's too many people sleeping rough in this city' and the Guv says 'What?  You sayin' we're lucky 'cause we have jobs and a decent roof over our heads?' and Sam said 'Yeah.  We are.  And we have each other' and the Guv hugged him again and Sam says '"You're so nice and warm.  Felt like I'd never be warm again' and the Guv says 'I'll keep your skinny, little arse warm' and Sam says 'So good to be home.  So good to be with you again' and the Guv says 'Fightin' 'n'all?' and Sam says 'Fighting and all' and the Guv says 'Me bein' a stubborn bastard and you bein' a picky pain in the arse' and Sam says 'Yeah.  Blissful normality' and the Guv gave him a push towards the door and said 'Go on.  Get your skinny arse in the house before we both freeze to death.'  Then it was like Sam said earlier and he went upstairs to shower and the Guv was cooking in the kitchen and then Sam came downstairs again and said 'Better?' and the Guv said 'Have to give you a taste test' and then they were quiet and then the Guv said 'That's more like it, Sammy boy' and Sam said 'Forget it.  I'm famished' and the Guv said 'Right.  Get your laughing gear around that.'  What's 'laughing gear'?"

"Mouth."

"Oh.  You mean their fuel intakes."

"Yes, their mouths."

"Such a lot of fuel they put into them too.  And all sorts of odd stuff.  So laughing gear means fuel intakes - I mean mouths.  Oh, I'll never remember it all.  Anyway after that they went upstairs and turned the lights out and they must have fallen asleep."

"So you weren't scared at all in a big, old, foggy cemetery?"

"Well only that I might be carnapped again but my humans saved me.  They always save me.  They're my heroes."

"Well being a silly, great pampered ponce you were probably too busy worrying about the mud on your wheels."

"Yes, there was quite a lot of mud stuck to my wheels but the Guv washed it all off on the weekend.  He always likes me to look my best."

"Like a spoilt rotten prat you mean."

"Spoilt rotten just means pampered, and I am pampered, but I'm not a prat, whatever that is.  After all, I'm Police Car of the Year so I always need to look my best though of course being a Cortina I'm very stylish anyway even with a bit of mud stuck to my snazzy Rostyle wheels."

"And I suppose the mud got on your precious carpet too?"

"I think it got everywhere.  Both the Guv and Sam had mud on them, especially Sam.  I mean it got all over his clothes when I got stuck and it was all over his boots too and the Guv's and it got on my nice cream leather seats too but the Guv cleaned it all off them and Sam had to spend a lot of time getting all the mud out of my shag pile - my bastard shag pile, as he calls it.  Don't know why he'd call it that though, do you?  I mean it's lovely, soft, thick velvet shag pile in tan with apricot leaves with gold borders around every little leaf and it really looks very attractive and everybody says so and says how they'd like to get some for their car too but Sam complains about it something terrible.  This time it was so wet and muddy that he had to pull it all out of me to clean it and I felt... well I felt bare without my lovely thick, shiny shag pile - bare floor if you know what I mean - and I was hoping nobody would see me like that but lucky for me it was only for the weekend and on Sunday evening Sam put it back and it was all nice and clean and soft again and it smelt very nice too.  I mean it wouldn't do for the Police Car of the Year to be seen without carpet, would it?"

"Perish the thought, ducky.  You still going to compete in the next Police Car of the Year competition?"

"Oh, I didn't tell you, did I."

"Didn't tell me what?"

"Uh... there won't be another competition next year.  They're not going to hold it again."

"Says who?"

"Says the Guv.  He had a letter last week.  He told Sam that the official reason was 'cause it tied up too many resources, whatever they are, when they're needed for fighting crime but he also said he'd heard unofficially it was 'cause of all the disgraceful cheating, bribing and corruption, whatever that is, that went on and the Commissioner didn't want officers being suspended just 'cause they wanted to win a few quid for their departments and it made the police force look very bad especially after it got in the papers.  You're making that funny noise again."

"So the competition will never be run again.  What a shame.  And you were looking forward to competing again."

"I was.  I planned on winning again too and the Guv said it was disappointing 'cause he was hoping to drive me next year but Sam said that since I was the winner of the one and only Police Car of the Year competition no one could ever take that away from me so in a way I would always be Police Car of the Year 'cause there'll never be another one and isn't that nice?"

"'And isn't that nice?'  Trust you.  Even when you lose you come out on top."

"Well it's not my fault the competition was cancelled but at least my humans never cheated and Sam said that I won it fair and square and of course I have my certificate and my shiny badge and I'll always have them, won't I?  So I will always be the one and only Police Car of the Year but... uh... when I told the Pandas they said it was just typical, but..."

"But what?"

"Well... you'll say I'm a silly git or some such..."

"Now why would I say that, ducky?"

"Uh, well...  I had the oddest feeling that they wanted me to compete again 'cause they were hoping I'd get beaten by some other car and then they could gloat over my failure, but then I thought I must be wrong 'cause they'd never think that about a nice car like me... would they?"

"Oh, no, no, perish the thought, ducky.  I'm sure they'd never think that."

"That's what I thought too, but... uh... why are you making that funny noise?  You're not going to call me a silly git, are you?"

*   *   *

+    Gene is referring to the original version.
++  Cult horror movie re-released in the US some years back.