The Cortina Chronicles 7: The Clown's Trick

by Clonesgirl

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The clueless car meets the scary Test Card Girl - and Manchester isn't big enough for both of them...

The technical stuff:

RATING:                  PG Green Cortina
PAIRING:                Gene/Sam
WORD COUNT:      8,290
WARNINGS:            Slashiness, carnapping, a bit of angst and lots of doggies
SPOILERS:              None
ARCHIVE:               The Motley Collection
DISCLAIMER:         Characters borrowed strictly for fun, not profit.  No offence intended.
BETAING:               Not betaed.  Apologies.  If you spot any goofs please let me know.
FEEDBACK:           Would be lovely, not to mention encourage me to scribble some more fic
NOTE:                     If you wish to link to this story it would be much appreciated if you could let the
                                 author know.

*   *   *

Humans say that death and taxes are the only certainties in life.  Well perhaps they are - for humans - but you take us vehicles.  Only certainties we have is that we'll always be needed by humans and we'll all end up as so much scrap metal.  Another certainty is that, as an ambulance, I get called out at all hours of the day and night.  On this particular night it was after half two in the morning, it was windy and very cold and had been raining on and off for hours.  The street seemed to be very dark too with only one street light and it wasn't working.  I'd been called to a reported shooting but, from what my drivers said, it seemed that the the man who was supposed to be wounded had up and disappeared leaving a trail of blood down the street.  The coppers decided that whoever it was must have got away in a car but meantime they were searching the building.  There must have been no power in the building 'cause I could see the coppers shining their torches around through the dark windows.  The police cars and myself were parked facing the building with our motors running and headlights on to provide a bit more light for them.

Another certainty in life is that whenever I'm called to a crime scene I'm bound to run into a silly prat of a Cortina and am forced to listen to its endless chatter about its colour, its speed, its looks, its superb suspension, its wood panelling, its leather upholstery and most of all its tan velvet shag pile with apricot leaves with gold borders around every little leaf which it never shuts up about.  And then there's its gearstick.

"What happens when gearsticks wear out?" it says.  "Do you just get a replacement?"

"They don't usually.  Clutches wear out but not gearsticks.  Why?  Is yours worn out already?"

"Oh, no.  My gearstick is in excellent shape, thank you, and so is my clutch."

"That's a wonder.  The way the Guv drives you your clutch'll be knackered inside a year."

"You think so?"

"I know so.  You mark my words - your clutch will be history inside a year."

"But there's nothing wrong with my clutch."

"There may not be right now, but you wait and see."

"But the Guv never hurts my clutch, or any other part of me.  My parts are all in good working order."

"You would say that."

"So gearsticks don't wear out?"

"Nah.  Had mine for years, haven't I.  So if yours is ok then why are you worrying about it?"

"I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not."

"But you just asked me what happens when your gearstick wears out."

"Oh, but I didn't mean mine."

"Well what gearstick then?"

"My humans' gearsticks."

Of course.  I should have known.  No other vehicle I've ever met thinks humans have gearsticks.  Only a brain dead Cortina with poofy humans could possibly come up with something so silly.  So on it prattled.

"What happens if their gearsticks get worn out?  I mean they do use them a lot.  Will they just get replacements or will they trade them in for new ones?"

"You really are a spark plug short of a set, aren't you.  They don't wear out 'cause they're not gearsticks."

"Oh, yes, they are.  As an ambulance you should know that humans have gearsticks - well male humans anyway.  I've seen them use them and what if they wear them out?  Then they wouldn't be able to rub gearsticks any more on my back seat and they seem to really like rubbing gearsticks and I thought they might be upset if they couldn't rub gearsticks any more and I mean what would they do?  I have all my spark plugs and they're all in good working order, thank you."

"And I told you they don't wear out 'cause they're not gearsticks."

"Well of course spark plugs are not gearsticks.  Why that's the silliest thing I've ever heard of."

"No, you're the silliest thing I've ever heard of.  Humans do not have gearsticks so they can't wear out, can they."

"They do so have gearsticks.  So what do they do if they wear out?  I mean they do use them a lot and not just on my back seat.  I mean from what I can hear they use them in the bedroom, the living room, the bathroom and the kitchen and maybe other places too.  So I think maybe they could wear them out if they're not careful, don't you?"

"You thought of that all by yourself, did you?"

"Yes, I did.  I'm a Cortina and I'm very smart and I think about my humans and their gearsticks and how they could get worn out."

"Do you now?  Well I'm telling you they don't wear out."

"Are you sure?"

"Never heard of one wearing out yet."

"I just wondered.  I mean I wondered if they might wear them out and have to trade them in.  Then they could get lovely brass gearsticks with big knobs on them like mine.  Wouldn't that be nice?"

"'Wouldn't that be nice?'  No, it wouldn't and you're thick as two tyres.  I told you before they'd have no use for gearsticks like yours."

"I think they'd like to have gearsticks like mine.  You know Chris?  Well Chris says I have a right snazzy gearstick."

"For a car.  He does not mean he wants to have a gearstick like yours."

"Are you sure?"

"Quite sure.  Humans are made of flesh and bone and vehicles are made of mostly metals and you can't put vehicle parts into a human."

"So my humans will never have lovely gearsticks like mine?"

"No.  I told you before they'll just have to make do with human ones."

"Oh.  How sad for them.  I think they'd like having gearsticks line mine.  I mean I have a superb gearstick and it's not all messy like theirs.  I mean it doesn't squirt funny-smelling stuff - you know, that stuff that might be lubrication - when I hit top gear, so I think mine is far better and cleaner.  After all, it's not like mine squirts lubrication all over my lovely velvet shag pile in tan with apricot leaves with gold borders around every little leaf.  I mean can you imagine what a terrible mess that would make?"

"Yes, that would be tragic, wouldn't it."

"What's 'tragic'?"

"Your precious shag pile getting ruined."

"Well I'm glad we agree that my gearstick is not only larger and more attractive than theirs but it's better 'cause it's nice and clean and doesn't make a tragic mess and ruin my lovely shag pile."

"Is that what you think, is it."

"Well, yes, of course.  I happen to have a most attractive gearstick."

"Well lucky you."

'Yes, I am lucky.  You've explained that to me and I've met many other cars now who don't have either my stylish good looks or superb suspension and whose owners don't seem to take care of them the way mine take care of me and I don't understand why their owners don't take care of them at all 'cause I think they should."

"Oh, you do, do you."

"Yes, I do.  I'm a Cortina and I'm very smart and I think all humans should take care of their cars, don't you?  Uh, what's 'snazzy'?"

"It means far too good for a common Cortina."

"I'll have you know that nothing is too good for me.  The salesman human who sold me to the Guv said that I was the last word in style and comfort and the Guv says I'm a star."

"Really."

"He does.  That's ever since I won the Police Car of the Year competition and had my picture on the front page of the newspapers and motoring magazines came and took my picture and of course I was in the paper again when I was carnapped and I was on telly too and after they found me they came and took my picture some more and the Guv says it will all come out in the trial about how the toe-rags put a dead human in me and tried to set fire to me so I'm sure I'll be in the news again.  I seem to be in the news a lot, don't I.  I think the Guv likes to read about me in the paper.  Isn't that nice?"

"Just ducky."

"Mind you I think the other cars are jealous again.  They saw me getting my picture taken again and said how come nobody takes their picture but I said they weren't carnapped, forced to carry a dead human in the boot, and set on fire too and they should consider themselves lucky but they said if I had half a brain I'd never have been carnapped anyway so it was all my fault but...  I mean I didn't think it was my fault...  Was it?"

"Take no notice, ducky.  They're jealous.  I told you before it wasn't your fault and you did stall as much as possible.  In fact if you hadn't stalled like you did when they drove you to the Guv's house to set it on fire you'd have had no house to come home to 'cause you'd have got there earlier and your humans wouldn't have arrived in time to save it, but because you stalled and stalled your humans were able to save their house - and your precious garage."

"I hadn't realized that."

"So you did a very good thing - how I don't know since you have vinyl for brains - but you somehow managed to do the right thing.  So next time they start acting like a bunch of jealous tossers just remind them of the rules."

"I remember.  We are not responsible for the way humans use us."

"Or misuse us.  Using a vehicle to transport a dead human is against the law.  So is carnapping - coppers would call that theft of a motor vehicle - and so is setting fire to a vehicle and that's arson."

"I was misused."

"Very much so but you did what you could in the circumstances and your humans managed to save you in the nick of time so you're very, very lucky."

"Yes, I am lucky.  And did you see my new badge?"

"What badge?"

"That shiny thing attached to my radiator grill."

"You mean that little silver thing with blue lettering on it?"

"Yes!  Isn't it lovely?  The Guv only received it yesterday and he said that it came with an apology for the long delay.  He showed it to Sam.  It's for winning the Police Car of the Year competition."

"I don't believe it."

"Why don't you believe it?  I mean you can see it right there.  Mind you that's what Sam said too.  Said he'd forgotten they told him that a badge came with first prize.  So now I have a great badge as well as a certificate."

"Trust you."

"It says 'First Prize Police Car of the Year Competition 1973'.  See how the sun shines on it?  Isn't it bright?"

"Uh, yeah, I suppose it is."

"Is it what you'd call 'snazzy'?"

"Uh, yeah.  Suppose it is.  And I suppose your humans are pleased?"

"I think the Guv is very pleased and he said that my certificate and badge make me the finest police car in the country but Sam said how he was the one drove the bloody car in the competition and I got all the awards and had praise heaped on me and he got bugger all but the Guv said that he'd had the satisfaction of winning as well as exposing the swifty the Met tried to pull by putting an Aston bloody Martin engine in a cheap Granada and the thieving southern scum would have got away with it too but for Sam but Sam said he might not have been able to expose the fraud but for the Granada popping its bonnet and he said 'Strange how that happened' and the Guv said how Sam had never mentioned that before and Sam said well it was kind of odd that it happened the way it did but of course they didn't know about the little talk I had with the Granada which was really an Aston Martin when I told it it could trust Sam because Sam is very honest and wouldn't approve of a stolen engine being in the competition and how it was against the rules."

"I remember.  You told me all about it."

"It was so great winning that competition.  I hope the Guv enters me for next year's."

"Anyone would think you were competing again tomorrow.  Your humans been polishing you again?"

"My russet bronze skin just glows, doesn't it.  I saw myself in a shop window this morning.  Yes, the Guv has been polishing me and he's got some new car polish.  How did you know?"

"Because the shine on you is enough to blind humans and automotives alike.  Do you mean your humans have been polishing you again?"

"What do you mean 'again'?  The Guv polishes me every weekend."

"Typical isn't it.  Most cars are lucky if they get polished once a month and here you are, the silly, great, pampered ponce, getting polished every bloody weekend."

"The Guv likes to keep me looking my best and why shouldn't I look my best?  I'm the best and fastest car in the fleet.  I don't just get polished outside you know.  I get cleaned inside too and my lovely tan velvet shag pile with apricot leaves and gold borders gets a good vacuum too.  Pampered just means that my humans take good care of me - and they do - but I'm not a ponce, whatever that is, but I am Police Car of the Year so I have to look my best always.  Did I tell you that my humans have a new vacuum cleaner thing?"

"Uh, no."

"Well they do and Sam said it's better 'cause it has a brush head so he can give my lovely, thick velvet shag pile a gentle brush while vacuuming me.  Isn't that nice?"

"My, but some cars are spoilt rotten."

"Yes, my humans look after me very well."

"Small wonder the other tossers are jealous."

"Did I tell you that smoking in me is now banned?"

"You said that the Guv was thinking about it."

"Well it's now banned.  The Guv was very angry when Sam was cleaning me last weekend and found ash on my lovely velvet shag pile.  Well both Ray and Chris had been smoking while sitting on my back seat during the week so the Guv couldn't tell which of them did it, though of course I know which one it was, but the Guv said he wasn't having that and he'd question them and if he didn't get a satisfactory answer then they'd both be cleaning out the cells."

"So are they?"

"Are they what?"

"Cleaning out the cells?"

"I think so.  The Rover told me Ray was blaming Chris for it but Chris said Ray did it so the Guv blamed them both and they were both complaining something terrible about the Guv making them clean out the cells and how the cells were disgusting and Chris said that they had to do it 'cause Phyllis had orders to report them to the Guv if they didn't and Ray said she won't take bribes, whatever they are, and they tried to bribe Annie but she wouldn't go for it 'cause she reckons she had to do it enough when she was a plonk and there's no chance she'll ever do it again."

"You and your shag pile.  Look at the trouble you cause for humans."

"Tan velvet shag pile with lovely gold borders around every little apricot leaf.  Annie says it's gorgeous and it's so soft it's like fur.  Sam says after the trouble he went to trying to find suitable replacement carpet for me and the stores he hunted about in he and the Guv were lucky to find it and he reckons that 'cause of the sheer bloody cost of it, not to mention the trouble they went to to cut it the same as my old one, he's gonna murder anyone who gets anything at all on it as he's the one has to vacuum it though he always complains that he has better things to do than spend his weekends cleaning me and he never spent this much time on his own car."

"Sam has a car?"

"I don't think so.  I mean I've never seen one."

"I know all about Sam's car."

"Who said that?"

"Oh, it's her.  The little human, or whatever she is.  I mean I'm not sure she's really human, if you know what I mean.  I mean humans can't usually understand us, can they, but she can, and she kind of pops in and out."

Sure enough there was a little blonde girl in a red dress sitting in the back of the Cortina.

"What?  Who is she?  And what do you mean she pops in and out?"

"She does.  She pops in usually when Sam is in me alone, or sometimes when he's alone in the house.  Haven't I told you about her before?"

"No, and I could swear she wasn't there when you pulled up and I never saw anyone get in."

"Of course not.  I told you she pops in and out."

"So where does she come from?"

"I'm not sure but she seems to come from my radio and she's not very nice and Sam doesn't like her."

"Oh, do shut up, silly car," the small human says.

"She comes from your radio?"

"I think so.  Sam thinks so too."

"Well if she comes from your radio and she can understand us she's definitely not human.  And what do you mean Sam doesn't like her?"

"Last week Sam was on a stakeout and the Guv joined him later.  Anyway when he was on his own in me he was listening to the radio and she popped in just like she did just now.  Sam was very upset and said how come she'd popped out of the radio when she was only supposed to pop out of the telly and she told him to pay attention to her or he'd be sorry.  Well Sam told her to go away and never come back and he didn't want to see her ever again and anyway she was just a fig of his imagination."

"'A fig'?"

"I think that's what he said.  What's a fig?"

"Oh, I know!  Trust you to get it half-cocked.  He means a figment of his imagination."

"Uh, what's a figment?"

"Means he thinks she's not real.  And what's that you have with you, little miss?"

"It's my clown.  Do you like him?"

"Uh, yeah, he's very nice I'm sure.  So, uh, who are you, little miss?"

"A figment of your imagination?"

"No, she's not - and San doesn't like her."

"Oh, do shut up, silly car."

"Now look here, little miss..."

"And you can shut up too.  You're equally stupid."

"Me?  I'll have you know that I'm an ambulance and I know lots about humans."

"My friend the ambulance is very wise.  You should listen to it."

"Listen to a mechanical?  Never.  They're all equally dumb."

"Now look here, miss whoever you are, if you think..."

"Oh, do be quiet, you silly ambulance.  I can read you like a book.  Mind you, you're not nearly as silly as Four Eyes."

"She calls me 'Four Eyes' and I don't think that's very nice, do you?  I think maybe she's insulting me.  Do you think she's insulting me 'cause I think she is."

"Oh, you do, do you.  Well I've got news for you, ducky - she is."

"Of course I'm insulting you, you silly, spoilt rotten hunk of metal.  You're nothing but a collection of parts - and you're ugly too - and Sam pays far too much attention to you, but that's going to change."

"Just what do you mean by that, miss whoever you are?"

"I have plans for Four Eyes here."

"Oi, ducky, what's with her?"

"I don't know but I don't think she's very nice at all and Sam, well I think he's scared of her, and why did she say that I was ugly when I'm not ugly at all and I'm really the last word in style and comfort and I'm snazzy too."

"Oh, be quiet, Four Eyes.  You have shag pile for brains and your wheels are ugly too."

"Now she's saying I have shag pile for brains but I don't think she's very smart 'cause I'm a Cortina and I'm very smart and my wheels are not at all ugly.  They're very attractive Rostyle wheels and only us Cortinas have them.  That's 'cause we're very stylish of course."

"All you talk about is your stupid shag pile, your stupid gearstick, your stupid wheels and your stupid humans.  I never met a car as stupid as you are.  No wonder the ambulance calls you a silly, great, pampered ponce."

"Now look here, miss whoever you are, my Cortina friend here may only be running on three cylinders but I'm a fellow mechanical - subspecies automotive - so it makes no matter what I call it, but you are a hubcap of a different wheel altogether.  Just what are you?"

"That's for me to know and you to find out, you dumb mechanical.  Now pay attention, both of you.  My clown is going to perform a little trick."

"Your clown?  Spin the other one."

"Oh, my clown can do all sorts of tricks.  He's very clever, not like you two bolts-for-brains."

"And I'll have you both know that I run perfectly on all four cylinders.  There is nothing wrong with my cylinders."

"Quiet, ducky.  Miss whoever she is is about to entertain us."

I watched her as she stood the toy clown up on her lap and then let go of it but instead of it falling over it jumped down to the floor and walked forward between the Cortina's front seats.  Then, of all things, it bent over and somehow released the hand brake.

"Hey, how did it do that?  Is it some kind of mechanical toy?" I asked.

"Oh, my clown knows how to do lots of tricks."

"Ducky, watch out.  Your hand brake's off."

"Miss whatever your name is, you should not release my hand brake.  That's for the Guv or Sam to do.  They are my drivers, not you."

"Oh, do be quiet, Four Eyes.  Cortinas are the silliest cars around.  They deserve to be taken off the road so one less won't make any difference."

"What do you mean 'one less'?  Just what are you planning for my four-eyed... I mean four-wheeled friend, miss whoever you are?"

"She makes me sus... sus...  What was that big word again?"

"Suspicious.  That's 'cause she's a very suspicious sort."

'Yes, that's it.  She makes me suspicious."

"You two are so silly.  The two of you together are only half as smart as a dog.  Watch and see."

"Oh, no, you don't!  It may be pampered and poncy and a brain dead prat but you have no right to meddle, miss whoever you are.  It does not belong to you."

"Try and stop me, silly mechanical.  You lot are useless without a human to drive you."

As I watched, the clown moved over to sit in the driver's seat and the steering wheel turned, although its short arms and tiny hands were nowhere near it, and the Cortina, its motor already running, turned sharply to the left and began to pull out from the kerb.

"Help!  What's happening to me?"

"Ducky, be careful!"

"I can't stop.  What can I do?"

It was now turning again to straighten up and starting to move off down the street.

"Ducky, you come back here!"

"I can't!  Help!"

"Ducky, you come back here this minute.  Your humans will be looking for you."

"She's done something to me and I've no control.  Help!  What can I do?   My gearstick is working on its own and so's my clutch and I can't stop it.  Help!"

Well this was a fine how do you do - a toy clown driving a Cortina and an evil little blonde whatever she was grinning and jumping up and down on the back seat shouting "Faster, faster!  Drive it straight into the canal."

The canal?  Then I realized that we were only about three short blocks away from the canal.  Crikey!

Well the Cortina continued to roll on down the street but just then the Guv and Sam came out of the building.  "Guv, the car!" Sam shouted.  "Bloody 'ell!" the Guv shouted and they both ran after the helpless Cortina which was still rolling slowly along the road but gathering speed.  Its humans were catching up though.  Sam was running like mad and the Guv was right on his tail.  Then they were trying to open the doors but the doors were somehow locked!  That little blonde whatever she was - and I was sure she wasn't human - was an evil little thing if ever there was one.  And so was the clown!  What a turnout.

Well the humans were still trying to open the doors and the Guv shouts "What the hell!  There's no one in it!" and Sam said "Yes, there is.  It's her!  I can see her and her clown.  Stop that, you twisted little witch.  Get out of there.  Guv, we gotta stop it" and the Guv said "Try and push it to one side.  Here, push it to the left.  We can stop it in the bushes there."  So they tried and they tried and I could see them pushing like mad on the front right side but nothing happened.  Then the Guv shouted for the plods to bring the paddy wagon around to block its passage.  Two of the plods then ran for the paddy wagon and it took off down a side street as there was no way that it could pass the Cortina in the narrow street with the car driving down the centre of it.  Meantime the Cortina was still gathering speed and the Guv and Sam could barely keep up with it now but they were still running after it.  Then shortly I saw the paddy wagon turn into the street and come screeching to a stop only yards from the Cortina and right in front of it so that the larger, heavier vehicle completely blocked its path.

Well I was expecting an awful crunch but the Cortina suddenly skewed to the right, mounted the kerb and hit a wooden fence which promptly gave way with a loud cracking, splintering noise and collapsed in a heap, falling away from the helpless car.  Well my drivers see this and promptly jump in and move me down there just in case anyone is injured but the only thing injured was the back fence of a house which is now lying on its side, but then all these dogs start jumping over the broken fence onto the street, barking and making a terrible racket.  Must have been at least fifty of the beasties in all shapes and sizes and they were all escaping.  The Guv and Sam and the plods from the paddy wagon started running after them but they never had a hope of catching them.  Nor did anyone else but it was a right sight watching the four coppers trying to catch all the doggies who were running for their lives.  So I took the opportunity to ask the Cortina if it was all right.

"She controlled me and she made me crash," it wailed.  "And I'm a nice car and I'm very stylish too."

"Any damage?"

"Don't think so."

"You were lucky the fence gave way.  If that had been a brick wall you'd have been in big trouble."

"No thanks to miss whatever her name is.  She doesn't like me.  Why would she not like a nice car like me?"

"You heard her.  She's jealous 'cause Sam doesn't like her and he's ignoring her and spending a lot of time on you instead."

Well the dogs were still running in all directions and I could see they were so glad to have their freedom. Then some woman came out from the doggie place screaming abuse at the coppers for breaking the fence and letting all the dogs escape and saying how she was going to sue and wait 'til the press heard about this.  Then she was calling to the dogs to come back and running here and there after them but she couldn't seem to catch any and they all ran away from her, enjoying their freedom while they could.  I wished them the best of luck and told them not to get caught by humans again 'cause humans could not be trusted not to put them to sleep, as they like to call it.  Anyway the fence collapsing and all the dogs barking and escaping must have woken up the whole neighbourhood 'cause humans were running out onto the street from everywhere and the woman from the doggie place started screaming at the top of her voice about drunken bastard coppers who'd destroyed her fence and let all the dogs escape.  I could also see other humans now surrounding the Guv and Sam and the two plods who'd got out of the paddy wagon.  The paddy wagon was complaining too saying that it wished the poncy Cortina had gone straight in the canal so it wouldn't have to listen to it any more and why did it have to be the one to rescue it.

Well somebody must have called the press humans 'cause next thing you know they pulled up too and there's flashes going off all over taking pictures of the Cortina, the broken fence and the woman who'd lost her dogs.  Then the television humans arrive with their bright lights and all the humans in the street were talking about what a disgrace it was and how careless the police were these days and they were probably drunk 'cause why else would they have run into a fence when they weren't chasing anyone and how was poor Elsie Madden going to get her fence repaired when she had no money 'cause she spent it all on feeding the city's strays and how could she look after all the poor dogs without a proper fence.  Then the police officers went over to the fence and tried to stand it up but it kept flopping over and somebody found a wooden plank somewhere and they tried to prop it up with that but it still kept flopping over and the neighbourhood humans said the police were useless 'cause when you called them they never came and when they bothered to turn up all they did was destroy the property of honest, hardworking people.  Then some woman comes running over to the television people and says how she saw the whole thing and the police weren't drunk, they were chasing after the car which was driving down the street and the paddy wagon had blocked its path so the car had turned into the fence but there was no one driving it.

The television reporter human and all the other press humans then turned to the Guv and demanded to know if it was true that no one was driving the car.  Sam spoke up and said that the car had been stolen by a drunk while they were searching a nearby building, they used the paddy wagon to block its path and the thief had then driven it into the fence and escaped into the night in all the mayhem when the dogs had escaped and clearly no one was drunk except the person who stole the car.  "That's not true.  I saw it all and there wasn't a soul in that car.  I tell you it was possessed," the nosy neighbour said.  "It happened exactly as DI Tyler explained," the Guv said.  Then the press started asking about what the police were doing there in the first place and Sam said they were investigating a reported shooting and he started asking the crowd if anyone there had seen or heard anything but it seemed no one had.  Sam also said that although it was not the fault of the police he would personally see to it that the woman's fence was repaired.  The press seemed satisfied with that and the woman whose fence was knocked down grumbled some more but said that that would be all right.

"Oi, ducky, looks like you're gonna be in the papers and on telly again."

"But they'll say I broke down a fence and I didn't mean to.  It wasn't my fault.  I mean it was miss whatever she is and her evil, little clown but they'll all say I did it."

"Don't worry, ducky.  They'll just say that you were stolen by some drunk.  You won't be blamed and Sam will get the woman's fence repaired.  Your humans saved you from a nasty dunking in the canal otherwise that might have been the end of you."

"I can't believe she wanted me to sink in the cold, wet canal - and she wasn't even human.  Now I'm scared.  What if there are more like her around?  What if others want to get rid of me too?  I mean it's bad enough if some naughty toe-rags want to get rid of me by setting me on fire but... but she wasn't even human, nor was her clown.  I mean what if there are others like her who are not human, or animal, or insect, or birds in the sky, or fellow mechanicals?"

"What if there are?  Doesn't mean they're all evil and they want to get rid of a certain orange Cortina.  They might be very nice.  Besides, why would they want to bother with a silly, great, pampered ponce like you?"

"You sure they're not all evil?  And I'm not orange, I'm russet bronze and I'm not a silly, great, pampered ponce either and you're being insulting."

"Well I don't see why they all have to be evil.  Just 'cause we met one who was kind of evil doesn't mean to say that they're all evil just as humans are not all tossers - though, mind you, quite a few of them are.  And never mind your poncy colour, you great dill, and it's orange."

"I told you I'm not orange and I'm not poncy either, whatever that is, and I'm not a dill either, whatever that is.  I'm a Cortina, I'm russet bronze, I'm very stylish and I'm very smart too and you're being insulting."

"Oh, will you shut up about your poncy colour and your poncy style."

Well the dogs had mostly all gone, in spite of the silly humans' attempts to catch them, the press was leaving, the TV people were packing up their equipment and the Guv and Sam got into the Cortina.  The little blonde whatever she was was standing on the road clutching her clown as she had been for quite a while watching all the doggies escape and the press arrive and she'd been giggling all the time.  If only the press and the television people could have seen her.  Then she moved closer to the Cortina and she stood there waving slowly at Sam and smiling that odd smile she has at him.

At that point my radio crackled to life.  Seemed some woman reckoned her husband had broken his ankle falling off a table and my driver said it was only four blocks away and I was the closest.  So my drivers shouted to the Guv and asked him to move the Cortina so they could get past it and he hopped in the Cortina and straightened it out and parked it and the plods in the paddy wagon did likewise parking it facing the Cortina.  As I was driven away I could see Sam was talking to the scary little blonde whatever she was through the Cortina's window.  Just as I was about to pass it, a large dog, one of the ones which had escaped, suddenly jumped onto the car's boot and then onto the roof and it proceeded to bark very loudly and menacingly at the little blonde girl, or whatever she was, who jumped back in fright and straight into my path - and dropped her clown.  Well there was nothing I could do as my right front tyre ran over it.  My driver, fearing that I'd hit one of the escaping dogs which had now mostly gone, well all except for a few stragglers, stamped his foot on my brake while shouting "Shit!  What was that?" as I screeched to a sudden stop.

Sam, who had seen little miss whatever she was jump back into my path, looked out the window of the Cortina as my driver called out "I think I hit something."  The Guv muttered "Oh, great!  Now what!" as he and Sam got out of the Cortina, Sam carrying a torch.  The press, who had heard me screech to a stop, all came running back to see what was going on.  My humans got out too and they all looked underneath me as Sam shone the torch and the woman was screaming some more thinking that I'd run over one of her precious doggies.  Flashes were going off as the photographers scrambled to see whatever it was that I'd run over.  Then Sam bent down and picked up something and as he held it up there was a big grin on his face.  The clown doll lay squashed and broken in his hands, its head torn off by the impact and one its legs twisted around at an odd angle.  Well my driver says "Where the hell did that come from?  I never saw it on the road.  I was afraid I'd hit one of them dogs" and Sam says "Hell indeed" and the Guv was standing there looking quite puzzled and he said to Sam in a low voice "You said she had a clown" and Sam said "Now do you believe me?"

"Oi, ducky, you all right?"

"Yes, but I didn't half get a start when that big dog jumped on top of me and he must have given miss whatever she is a big fright too."

"Yeah, I told it to."

"Uh...  You told the dog...?"

"Yeah.  Had a quick word in its big floppy ear when that woman was screaming blue murder and miss whatever she was was standing back giggling at all the mayhem.  Dogs can come in very handy like that and they never want much in return either."

"So, uh, what did it want in return?"

"Oh, the usual.  I allowed it to lift its leg on my wheel.  Dogs are easy to satisfy."

"But they do that anyway."

"Not if you tell them you'll come after them and run over them and they'll be lying there on the road all squashed flat and humans will make sausage meat out of them.  Then they run away with their tails between their legs.  Dogs are very gullible like that."

"Oh, that's good that is!  I must remember that.  You're so wise."

"She's a menace to mechanicals and we can't have you threatened like that, ducky.  Your humans get all upset when something happens to you.  Besides, she's not human so the rules don't apply, do they."

"I never thought of that."

"Well you have now.  She thinks all us mechanicals are thick as tyres.  Well that will teach her not to mess with us."

"Oh, thank you, Ambulance.  I think you just saved me."

"Think nothing of it, ducky.  The dog was only going to give her a fright.  Her clown doll getting run over was a bonus.  I'm sure she's not harmed but hopefully miss whatever her name is will learn a lesson and go back to wherever it is she came from."

It was then that I heard the cries and the Cortina heard it too.  It was miss whatever she was wailing about her broken clown.  What a racket.  "You killed my clown!  What will I do without him?"

Sam could hear her too.

"I never touched your clown but now maybe you'll leave me alone.  I could do without you popping up all the time to scare shit out of me.  People see me talking to an apparition from the airwaves and they want to lock me up.  Come to think of it, just what were you planning to do with the car anyway?  Canal is down that way, isn't it?  Planning on getting rid of it?  Was that it?  Drive it into the canal?  But you failed, didn't you.  And why?  It's only a car.  What's it ever done to you?"

"It's stupid and it's spoilt rotten!" she screamed.

"It's just a car.  At any rate I'm not going to spend the rest of my life waiting for you to hop out of every telly or radio I happen to be near so you can just zap your evil way back to wherever it is you come from and leave me alone."

"Could I stay if I promise to be good?"

"No.  You go home to wherever you belong."

"But you've killed my clown.  I have no powers any more."

"I didn't kill your clown.  It was run over by accident."

"No, it wasn't.  The ambulance told the dog to give me a fright.  It was a conspiracy."

"Really?  That's very funny that is.  And how come it was solid anyway?"

"It had to become a bit more three dimensional to drive the car."

"Right.  Time for you to go home to your family.  You must have one somewhere."

"Oi, little miss whatever you are, it's time to say ta-ta."

"Oh, shut up, stupid ambulance.  You killed my clown."

"You be nice to my friend the ambulance.  It does very important work transporting broken humans to hospital where they can be mended and it's very wise too."

"And you can shut up too, you... you silly, pampered car."

Sam was looking very puzzled.

"Who are you talking to?"

"A dumb ambulance and a silly car."

"What?!"

"Humans!  You're almost as silly as your vehicles.  And you call yourself a detective?  You haven't a clue.  Your hearing range is so limited.  I can hear all frequencies, even dumb mechanicals, and they're about as low as you can get."

"Oi, little miss whatever you are, keep saying things like that and you'll get another nasty surprise."

"And I'll see to it that you come to a nasty end."

"Right.  That does it.  Back to the airwaves where you belong - right now!"

"Oh, but I didn't mean you."

"I don't care.  Go!"

All the while the Guv, who was only able to hear what Sam said, had been looking at Sam like he'd grown two heads.  My drivers were looking on too as were the two plods and the press humans.

"Sam?  Sam, what's going on?"

And all the while Sam was looking at miss whatever she was.

"Won't be a minute, Guv.  Right, you.  In."

Well Sam opened the door and I saw her get into the front of the Cortina and Sam turned on the radio.

"In you go."

"I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted.  Now in you go."

"But... But I'll never be able to return to the world of humans without my clown.  He was my guide."

"Suits me just fine.  In you go."

Well he held out his hand toward the radio and then all of a sudden she was gone just as if she'd never been.  Sam smiled and turned off the radio.  "Just in case she changes her mind," he muttered.

The Guv was getting angry.  "Are we done here, Dorothy?"

Sam was still smiling as he turned around and kind of waggled his eyebrows like he sometimes does.  "We are now."

As my drivers got back in one of them said "They'll be coming to take him away ha-ha" and the other one said "To the funny farm"+ and they both laughed.

Like miss whatever she was said, humans - they just haven't got a clue.  Alas my drivers, like the Guv, could only hear Sam's side of the conversation.  How differently they'd think if they could have heard little miss whatever she was.  Then they'd have said that she should be the one carted off to the funny farm.

As I was driven away I called out to the Cortina "Oi, ducky!  Don't let anything crawl out of your radio again" but it said that I shouldn't worry 'cause it could take care of itself and it would always keep its humans safe.  It really is very loyal to them, silly, great, pampered ponce that it is.

So next time I saw the Cortina I asked if its humans were all right now.

"Oh, they're quite all right now that miss whatever she was is gone, especially Sam since he's the only one who could see her.  He really didn't like her so he's happy now."

"And did you see the newspaper stories?   We were both in the pictures.  My drivers were reading it.  One said 'And the ambulance ran over the clown' and 'You'd think it was Halloween'."

"Sam read 'Gone to the dogs' and 'Send in the clowns'++.  I think the police were blamed for the whole thing in spite of me being carnapped again."

"But we know the real story, don't we?"

"But who'd believe us?  And I'm getting tired of being carnapped.  It's bad enough when it's naughty toe-rag humans who steal me, put a dead body in me and then try to set me on fire, but miss whatever she was and her clown popping out of my radio and trying to drive me into the canal is too much.  It's no way to treat a nice car like me - and I'm a very nice car.  I'm smart, I'm stylish, I go like a rocket and I'm Police Car of the Year too."

"Not to mention a silly, spoilt rotten prat."

"You're being insulting and I'm not saying another word."

You could say things were back to normal.  Same goes for its humans.

"So what else've you got in your drawers?" Sam asks.

"You bein' kinky?" the Guv says.

"Gonna search them tomorrow.  Never know what buried treasure I might find."

"Filthy little sod."

"I love rummaging through kitchen cupboards and drawers.  That house is undiscovered country.  Last time I found a brand new coffee percolator still in its box."

"Missus never used that thing.  Reckoned as how it were too much trouble.  Must've been there years." 

"Have to see if there's any more unwanted Christmas gifts."

"What've you got against instant anyway?"

"Bland, boring and tasteless."

"The way you carry on anyone'd think it were arsenic."

"Admit it - we now have decent coffee and you love it.  You like it even more with a nip of scotch and a dollop of cream on top."

"You just like to lick the cream off me lip."

"Is it my fault you get cream all over your top lip?"

"But you claim you have to lick it off me tonsils."

"There's nothing I love more than a treasure hunt.  Must be my copper's instincts."

"You mean pervert's instincts."

"What've you got against treasure hunts?  You're a detective.  Never know what you might find."

"Oh, I know what I'll find all right - in your drawers."

"And you reckon I'm a pervert."

There was a brief pause in the conversation until Sam said "Windows are all steamed".

"So they are."

Sam leaned over and kissed the Guv who made no objection and seemed to be kissing him back with enthusiasm.

"What did you ever do before I came along?" Sam said.

"Kept me mind on the ruddy job?"

"Like hell you did.  Pretty girl'd come along and you'd go all googly-eyed over her tits."

"'Googly-eyed'?"

"Like the old Cookie Monster."

"The what?"

"Your eyes falling out your head."

"I know what it means, you great girl.  Still, gotta admire a great pair of tits."

"But these days you'd rather grope my skinny arse."

"Your skinny, tight little arse.  Speakin' of which..."

The Guv looked around but there was still no sign of my humans or Forensics - in fact the street was empty and quite dark - so they were quiet and kissed some more and the windows got so steamed that I couldn't see anything any more.

"What's a pervert?" the Cortina says.

Things were back to normal all right.

*   *   *

+ The ambulance driver is paraphrasing the lyrics of this song.  The original version by Napoleon XIV was well remembered in 1973 and the line/title "They're coming to take me away ha-ha" is often quoted to this day.

++ "Send in the Clowns" was from the 1973 musical "A Little Night Music" by Stephen Sondheim.  The most well known version was by Judy Collins.