The Cortina Chronicles 6: A Cortina Christmas Part B

Part B - Murder It Said

"Murder? Did you say murder?"

"Yes. It was murder."

"So who got murdered?"

"Well they're driving me very fast and then the other tosser in my passenger seat says 'Hey, where we going?' and the Jimmy human says 'Got a job to do' and the other tosser says 'Job? What job? You never said nothin' about no job' but the Jimmy human says 'Boss's orders. Gotta be done tonight'. So we pull up outside this building and they go in. So I'm sitting there waiting and then there are noises like a fight and not long after that they come out carrying something large wrapped in a blanket and they proceed to stuff it into my boot and I don't know what it is and it's not moving but it smells like a human and it's about the weight of one too and I can also smell that red stuff they have in them - that blood stuff you told me about that humans have instead of oil - and I think I have a human in my boot but I can't feel any movement from him and I wonder if he's dead and I think that if he's dead my humans would want to know about this 'cause they're not just any police officers, they're detectives from CID and they'd want to know if someone was murdered so they could arrest the naughty toe-rag humans who did it."

"So you had a dead human in your boot."

"I did. He never moved at all and I wonder if the Jimmy human and the other one had something to do with it. After that it was all the way back to the old house and that damp, mouldy, old garage and the other tosser is asking the Jimmy human what they're going to do with the body and the Jimmy human says they have to sit tight and wait for instructions. So they left the dead human in my boot and locked the garage again and I hear them walking away and now I was really afraid 'cause I had a dead human in my boot and I thought about the flames I saw coming from the Guv's house and I wondered would I even have a home to go to when they found me? What if my nice garage was all burnt? I mean this pair of tossers didn't seem to know how to treat a nice car like me what with my stylish woodwork and lovely velvet shag pile in tan with apricot leaves and gold borders around every little leaf. In fact they didn't even seem to have noticed my thick, soft shag pile at all. No wonder they drove a Marina. Now there's a car that would have rubber mats and wouldn't care just like these two tossers."

"What you're trying to say is they had no respect for a great, big, pampered ponce like you."

"I am not a ponce, whatever that is, but I am pampered 'cause my humans take good care of me."

"Not to mention spend a fortune on velvet shag pile just for you, a common Cortina. You have no idea how pampered you are."

"My velvet shag pile is lovely and thick and humans like to feel it and stroke it with their tool sets and they say it feels so nice and furry and it shines in the sunshine especially the gold borders. That Jackie Queen human the Guv knows saw it and she said it was so nice and she wanted to get some velvet shag pile for her car too but in blue and the WPCs have all admired it too and they said it was beautiful and they wanted to get some for their cars too, so lots more cars will have lovely velvet shag pile just like mine and isn't that nice?"

"'So lots more cars will have velvet shag pile just like mine'. Now you see what you and your poncy shag pile have done? Now all these humans will go broke buying expensive velvet shag pile for their cars just because of you."

"Yes, and it will make their cars very happy. Won't that be nice?"

"You have no idea, do you? Not a clue."

"But... But how would humans get broken from buying nice shag pile for their cars? You mean because it's heavy for them to carry?"

"'Broke' not 'broken', you silly prat."

"Aren't they the same?"

"No, they're not the same. 'Broken' means they have to go to hospital like breaking a limb; 'broke' means they've got no money."

"I'll never remember. Humans use too many words and it's not my fault my humans bought lovely, thick, soft velvet shag pile for me 'cause they wanted to replace my original shag pile."

"Yes, but you came with poncy shag pile to start with, didn't you? That's the whole trouble. Some silly prat at Ford decides it'd be a good idea to shag pile their cars and look what happens especially when they put it in a great, big silly goose with vinyl for brains."

"Oh, yes, 'cause I was a showroom model and all us showroom models had soft, thick shag pile to match the colour of our skin and it was lovely. It was tan with apricot highlights and the Guv liked it and that's why he wanted to buy me, a showroom model..."

"It's no wonder you're more empty-headed than most. A showroom model made to stand there and look pretty and that's about it."

"Yes, I'm very pretty. Humans have said so. And I'm not empty-headed. I have a very good brain. All us Cortinas, including showroom models, are very smart and I'm lucky I was a showroom model 'cause if I hadn't been a showroom model then I would never have had lovely, thick shag pile which of course my humans had to replace when it got ruined by accident when it got all damp and mouldy so my humans got me even nicer, thicker, lovelier velvet shag pile and it's so much nicer than those awful, smelly rubber mats which are really very nasty and every car should have nice, thick shag pile like me and their owners will be happy too 'cause all their human friends will love it and run their tool sets all over it."

"Oh, will you shut up about your bleedin' shag pile. And they're called hands."

"Why? What's wrong with it? And what are called hands?"

"Tool sets. On humans they're called hands, you silly car."

"There's so much to remember with humans. Anyway that same night around half past four I'm sitting in that awful, dirty garage with a dead human in my boot and I hear a car driving slowly past and I recognized the Rover and I called out to it but it didn't hear me. Then not long after that it goes slowly past again, and again I called out to it but it mustn't have been able to hear me 'cause I was too far from the road but I hoped it meant that I'd be rescued soon. Anyway everything was quiet for a while then all of a sudden I hear cars coming up the road and they all stop just nearby and I recognized the sounds of them. There was the smooth-sounding Rover and three of the Pandas, number one with its squeaky suspension, number three with its sticky clutch and number four with its worn wheel bearing - it's a wonder that wheel hasn't fallen off - and I thought they'd all come to rescue me. Then I heard a lot of footsteps running quietly up to the back of the house and then I heard the sounds of doors being kicked in and shouting and I thought it was all over and I waited for my humans to come and find me, but then I heard a human running towards the old garage and I thought maybe it was Sam coming to get me but it was that nasty Jimmy human and he opened the garage doors and he grabbed something and then there's other footsteps running toward me too and I hear Sam's voice say 'This way' and then I realize the tosser has a petrol can and he's spilling it on the floor and then he lights a match and there are bright, orange flames and I'm burning."

"Oh, ducky!"

"My axle grease was melting and I think it's the end of me. The next thing you know the Guv runs through the flames and jumps in me and he's got my keys and I feel so bad 'cause I can't start on account of what they did to my wiring and I'm burning hot now and he releases my hand brake and jumps out and he's getting burnt but he runs around to my front where it's not burning and he pushes me hard and slowly I start to roll backward toward the door and I see Sam and he punches the nasty Jimmy human and he falls down and Sam gets the cuffs on him and shouts 'Stay there!' and he runs to help the Guv and he opens my front door and pushes like mad and steers me and with both my humans pushing I move a bit faster and I'm out of there and the ground slopes down a bit and I start to roll backward and Sam jumps in and puts on my hand brake. I'm out of the awful heat but I sure am hot, especially underneath, but I'm all right and my humans are there and they'd saved me."

"Ducky, that was a very near thing. You are a very lucky car. If your humans hadn't saved you you'd have exploded."

"Exploded?"

"Yes, exploded, and that would have been the end of you."

"I once saw a car explode. Sam and Ray were arguing over whether there was a bomb in it and it turned out there was and it exploded in flames and it was destroyed. It was awful. Uh, are you saying that that's what would have happened to me?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. You'd have been burnt to a crisp and that would have been the end of you. Nothing left but a burnt out metal shell."

"But... But I didn't have a bomb in me."

"No, but your petrol tank would have exploded and once that happened there's nothing your humans could have done to save you."

It sat there quiet like for a while as though it was thinking about it.

"Now I understand why you said I was a very lucky car."

"I've heard humans say that cats have nine lives and I'm beginning to think you do too."

"What does that mean?"

"Means you manage to have a lot of lucky escapes. Like when you said that bomb in the car went off, were you nearby?"

"Yes, I was quite close to it."

"And I bet you weren't damaged."

"No, I was quite all right."

"That's what I mean. Bullets flying everywhere and you're quite all right. Bomb goes off you're quite all right. You get set on fire and again you're quite all right, not to mention you get driven like a bat out of hell, as humans say, and you're always quite all right."

"I was very hot and I was a little bit blackened in the fire."

"That's nothing. It could have been the end of you but here you are your normal gabby self like nothing happened. I'm beginning to think you have nine lives just like cats. You are one lucky car."

"I suppose I am, but my humans are great, big poof heroes and they saved me from the naughty toe-rags. The fire was so bright and even though I was away from it after they pushed me out of the garage I could still feel the heat and the Guv grabbed my radio phone and requested the fire brigade. Then he got out and Sam was saying 'Where's Norton?' and the Guv shouted 'You let him get away?' and Sam said 'He was cuffed and I had to help you and the bloody car before you both fried so I knocked him out' and the Guv said 'You? You couldn't throw a knockout punch to save your life! If Jimmy Norton gets away...' and Sam said 'I know, I know. Well he can't have gone far' and then the Guv was shouting for the plods and they came over and the Guv told them to search for Norton and then he looked at a plod and asked him his name and the plod said 'PC Thomas, sir' and the Guv said 'Listen carefully, young PC Thomas. You are to guard this motor with your life. Norton has nicked it twice and he's just tried to set it on fire, so if anything else happens to it I will hold you personally responsible and I will see to it that you spend one half of the rest of your working life on traffic duty and the other half cleaning out the cells. Do I make myself clear?' and the plod said 'Yes, sir' and then they all went into the trees looking for the human called Jimmy Norton and the young plod walked around me looking kind of jumpy."

"So did they catch the miserable carnapper?"

"Well the old garage is still burning and the young plod is standing there and he's looking at the flames..."

"And you were looking at the flames too."

"Uh, yes, I was. They were very high and the roof was burning too and I was thinking that my humans had only just saved me in time or I would have been burning too just like the rest of the garage."

"That is what humans call a very sobering thought."

"What is?"

"Looking at that fire and thinking how, if your humans hadn't come to your rescue when they did, it would have been the end of you. No more orange Cortina."

"I'm not orange, I'm russet bronze."

"Never mind your poncy colour and get on with the story."

"My colour is not poncy, whatever that is, it's russet bronze and my humans bought my lovely tan velvet shag pile with apricot leaves with shining gold borders around every little leaf just to match my russet bronze colour."

"You and your 'russet bronze colour' and your 'tan shag pile with apricot leaves with shining gold borders around every little leaf' are going to drive me to diesel. Get on with the story."

"Have you noticed I've been decorated for Christmas? Sam says it matches my colour."

"You mean that tinsel stuff hanging from your antenna?"

"Yes, isn't it nice. Doesn't half fly about when I'm driving. And have you noticed inside?"

"You mean those gold balls and that gold tinsel stuff hanging from your rear-view mirror?"

"Yes, isn't it all lovely? And there's more tinsel around my rear window and more balls hanging from it. When the Guv saw it he said Sam had to be joking but Sam said it was Christmas and he thought the big balls were perfect."

"Did he now?"

"Yes, he did. I don't think they're very big but Sam said they're big. You're making that funny noise. They're very shiny, aren't they? I've never been decorated before. I think the other cars are jealous though. When I asked them what they thought of my big, shiny balls they just sniggered and asked me if my humans had been shagging on my back seat again. Then later I ran into the Rover and asked it what it thought of my big, shiny balls but it said Panda number two had already told it all about me and my big, shiny balls and... well it kind of sniggered, so I told it that Sam said they were perfect and it said, yes, they were just perfect - for me that is - and then it sniggered some more, so I asked it why it was sniggering at my big, shiny balls but it just called me a silly arse Cortina, so I said that there was nothing wrong with my rear end and it wasn't silly at all and all my rear lights worked too but then it asked me if my balls worked and did I have more attached to my gearstick and it sniggered some more but I don't know why it asked me that, do you?"

"I couldn't possibly say."

"You're still making that funny noise. Do you like my big, shiny balls?"

"They're very bright, aren't they."

"Yes, they're very shiny and I like them and I think the other cars are jealous 'cause they're not decorated for Christmas like I am so they don't have big, shiny, gold balls and tinsel and I think they're very pretty, don't you?"

"Yes, they're very nice. Now will you and your big balls get on with the story?"

"Sam says he's going to make it a Christmas tradition. What does that mean?"

"It means that you'll be decorated every Christmas."

"I'll be decorated like this every Christmas?"

"Yes, you'll be decorated every Christmas."

"So I'll have big, shiny balls and tinsel every Christmas. Isn't that nice?"

"Yes, it's just ducky. Now will you get on with the story."

"I like my big, shiny gold balls and tinsel."

"Oh, will you shut up about your balls and your tinsel, you silly, great, pampered ponce."

"I am not a silly, great, pampered ponce, whatever that is, and I think you're being insulting so I'm not saying another word."

"Here we go with the sulks. All right, all right. I take it all back."

"So am I still a silly, great, pampered ponce?"

"No, no, I take it all back. You're not a silly, great, pampered ponce. Now get on with the story."

"That's better."

"I wonder if it's possible for a brain dead car to grow a brain."

"I wouldn't know. I don't know any brain dead cars."

"No, I was right the first time around - it's impossible. So get on with the story."

"Uh... where was I?"

"Some poor, young plod had been left to guard you."

"Oh, yes, PC Thomas. Well then the fire brigade arrives and the plod, he turns to see them and the next thing you know the Jimmy Norton human appears and clobbers the plod from behind and he's lying there on the ground not moving and the tosser, he gets the plod's keys and unlocks his handcuffs and he's free and he jumps in me again and I can't believe he's going to carnap me again, and he gets me started and he goes to put me in gear but I stall on him and he's trying to start me again and then I hear the Guv shout 'That's the bloody car!' and he and Sam and the plods are all running back towards me from everywhere and the tosser gets me started again and before he can rev me I stall again and I can see my humans and the Guv and Sam have their guns out and they yank open my doors on either side and the Guv says 'Give me a reason' and the Jimmy Norton human looks at them and their guns are pointed straight at him and he says 'Wouldn't want this hunk of junk anyway. All it's fit for is the scrap heap. It's bloody useless just like you. Disgusting, filthy queers, both of you' and the Guv pulled him out of me and punched him and he went to punch him again but Sam stopped him and said 'Guv, he's not worth it' and the tosser said 'Yeah, Guv, listen to your little pansy' and then Sam gave him a really good kick and he screamed and fell over clutching himself and then Sam cuffed him again and dragged him away and the man was moaning 'Filthy bastard coppers' and then the young plod who was being looked after by the firemen, he came over to the Guv and apologized and the Guv was very angry and told him to report for traffic duty in the morning and then he got back in me but he had to fiddle with my wires to start me up 'cause of what the tossers did to me starting me up without a key but of course I started straight away for him and he turned on my inside light and looked around me and said 'Well you look all right, no thanks to that piece of shit' and he drove me over to the old house and waited for Sam. Then Sam handed over the Jimmy Norton human to the plods and he came back to me and he was going to get in and then he just stood there and the Guv said 'Well come on, twinkletoes. It's all over now' and Sam said 'Something's not right. Why was Jimmy Norton so keen to set fire to the car? He could have got away in the woods and we might never have found him but instead he runs off to that old garage and tries to set the car on fire - why?' and the Guv said 'Warren's orders? Who knows?' and Sam says 'I've got a feeling... Hang on' and he calls one of the plods over and gets a torch from him and the Guv's muttering 'Not another one of your feelings, Dorothy' and then Sam opens my boot and he says 'Bastards! Guv, you'd better see this' and the Guv says 'Oh, what now, Gladys?' but he gets out and walks around to look in my boot and they're looking at the dead human there and Sam's very upset and he says 'Our only witness to the death of Joni Newton. We should have known! We should have bloody known! They had us chasing our tails' and the Guv says 'So long, Charlie Edwards. We knew you well, you little bastard'. Then Sam says 'The knife is still in him. Maybe we can get prints' and the Guv says 'There's enough evidence to charge the bastards. And if we can prove that Warren put 'em up to it we'll still get him for second degree' and Sam said 'Not for Joni though' and the Guv said 'We can't win 'em all, Sam, and Warren's banged up anyway. He's not goin' anywhere. Come on' and he closed my boot and got in and Sam said 'You're not waiting for Forensics?" and the Guv said 'He wasn't murdered here' and Sam said 'Yes, but there might be evidence' and the Guv said 'We're bloody halfway to Lancashire and I'm not spending what little's left of the night waitin' on Forensics', so Sam got in too and we were going to leave."

"You must have been so pleased to be out of there."

"Yes, but I couldn't leave right then 'cause the tossers who'd nicked me had never bothered to fill my tank and I'd been driven over thirty-five miles since I'd been carnapped so I didn't have enough petrol to get back. The Guv says 'Shit!' and he smacks his tool sets on my steering wheel and says 'We're not gonna make it back' and Sam says 'Not the way this thing binge drinks', whatever that means, and the Guv says "Oh, shut up. It doesn't use any more petrol than most other cars. Well we'll have to fill up, or would you care to sprinkle some fairy dust and whisk us back to the station?' So then they both got out and they were talking to the drivers of the other cars. Then they bring Panda number three over to me and they find a piece of hose somewhere and the Guv holds it up and says 'Who wants to do the honours?' and then he says 'PC Thomas, I'm sure it's your turn'."

"Poor PC Thomas. It wasn't his night."

"You could say that. He put the hose in the Panda's tank and put the other end in his fuel intake. Well I thought this was very odd 'cause I didn't think humans used petrol for fuel."

"They don't. They're not built like us, remember? They don't have combustion engines and parts made of metal."

"That's what I thought. So after a minute he pulls a terrible face and suddenly pulls the hose out of his fuel intake and stuffs it in me and I'm drinking lots of nice, clean fuel and he's coughing and coughing and the Guv says 'Oh, someone get him a drink of water' and they filled my tank up to nearly half and Panda number three said it didn't mind 'cause it had plenty and it was glad to see that I was all right. So after all that we finally left."

"You must have been so pleased to leave that place."

"I was. I was so relieved but I was very upset that the tosser had tried to burn a nice car like me. I mean I'm very attractive, my russet bronze skin glows beautifully in the sunlight, my velvet shag pile in tan with apricot leaves and gold borders around every little leaf is lovely and soft and thick and the Guv says I have more wood than Sherwood Forest, whatever that is, and I'm speedy and I catch the toe-rags and I'm stylish too what with my vinyl roof and curves and I have superb suspension and I can't understand why a human would want to burn me."

"It's like I was telling you, it's all part of that nasty blackmail business. Tossers like that wouldn't care what they burn. They'd burn a Ferrari or a Maserati if someone paid them to do it. The main thing is you're all right and your humans were all right too. You know your humans could have been badly injured, even killed, trying to save you?"

"Uh... no, I never thought of that."

"Well there's something else for you to think about. Fire doesn't just destroy cars and buildings you know, it destroys humans too and they can die easily. I've seen humans badly burnt and they often die of their injuries. I've heard the doctors say that even when they're not burnt they can die from just breathing smoke. So a fire can destroy a car but it will destroy a human even faster."

"Oh. Then... Then... Then my humans must think a lot of me to risk being destroyed because of me."

"No idea why considering what a birdbrain you are but they do. So you got your humans home all right?"

"Not right then. It was back to the station and waiting for Forensics and they came and took pictures of the dead human in my boot and then they removed it and took it away on a trolley and then they checked over my boot. The Rover - it's real smart that car - it said they were looking for evidence. I was so glad to be rid of the dead human. It was starting to really smell."

"Yes, well, dead humans have a habit of smelling bad. I mean cars get old and go to the big scrap heap but we still smell like cars, but humans... You were lucky that was a fresh corpse. Once they've been dead a day or more believe me you don't want to go within a mile of 'em. So you're lucky that Sam discovered the corpse when he did 'cause the smell would have just got worse. So after all that you went home?"

"Yes, and I was so pleased that the Guv was driving me again. He didn't look too good and he had some black stuff on his face and his hair and his coat was all black in places too. When we got to the house there were a couple of plods there and they told the Guv the fire brigade would give him a report but they said it was most likely petrol and the Guv said he told them so and the plods left. I saw the front and the door was all black-looking and Sam said if they hadn't come home when they did they wouldn't have had a house to come home to and the Guv said it wasn't so bad and they could get a new door and some new carpet and a bit of paint. Then Sam got out and opened the gates and the garage doors and then I was home once more. I was home in my very own garage and I was never so pleased to be in it, and the Guv shut the gates and they both shut the doors, locking and bolting them and they locked all my doors too and I felt very safe parked there. The Guv said 'No one's ever gonna nick this motor again' and then he went over to Sam and he said 'I let you down, Sam. It were me the bastard wanted. Revenge for arresting him and for doin' it in front of his punters' but Sam said they'd both arrested him and it was Warren's revenge on them both. Then the Guv turned to look at me again and patted my bonnet and said 'Thank God I got you back, you little beauty' and Sam said how they were very lucky to get me back in one piece, and then he looked at the Guv and said 'Shit, you really got singed' and the Guv said 'Yeah, well, while you were chasin' the tossers I was savin' our home' and Sam said 'Not to mention the car' and the Guv said 'And you're no ravin' beauty yourself'."

"Was Sam burnt too?"

"Well he had bits of black stuff on his face too and he said '"Our home"?' and the Guv said 'Yeah, our home. I... I had it put in both our names' and Sam hugged him and said 'Aw, Gene, I... I don't know what to say. That's the nicest, most wonderful thing anyone's ever done for me' and the Guv said 'Well it is Christmas' and Sam said 'You're my home, Gene Hunt. Wherever you are is home' and the Guv said 'Don't you start cryin' on me, you big girl' and Sam just hugged him and then he stepped back and he said 'And look at your coat. It's ruined' and the Guv took off his coat and looked at it and he said 'Yeah. Two fires in one night'll do it. Still, we banged up Jimmy Norton and Tommy Atkins, we've got the evidence you're so fond of to prove that Warren's lawyer's secretary was the go-between, we saved the car and the house is still standing' and Sam kind of shook his head and said 'And Joni Newton's killer will never spend even one day in gaol for her murder' and the Guv said on the positive side he'd let Sam buy him a new coat and Sam smiled and said he'd get the Guv a whole new wardrobe and the Guv said he was joking and Sam said he'd do a queer eye on him, whatever that is, and the Guv said he was a big fairy and Sam said he couldn't help it if the Guv was sexy as hell, whatever that means, and he reckoned the Guv would look gorgeous in a white open neck shirt and tight-fitting jeans and the Guv told him to shut up and pushed him into the house and not long after that I heard the sound of the shower and sounds from the kitchen, and then the shower again and then more noises from the kitchen and then they were upstairs in the bedroom and the Guv says 'We did good tonight, Sammy' and Sam says 'We got Norton and Atkins and you saved the car' and the Guv says "We both did. The bastards can stew over Christmas' and Sam says 'We'll use our patented interviewing technique on them' and the Guv says 'And they'll be singin' like birds' and Sam says 'You smell so good but I'm bloody knackered' and after a bit the Guv said 'Good job you found that body in the boot. You're a good copper, Sam - not as good as me of course. Have to clean out the car tomorrow. God knows what the bastards did to it' and Sam says 'Funny that. I mean the way Norton was saying it's a piece of shit. We heard him get it started twice and twice it stalled. And when they came here to burn us in our beds I heard it stall twice then too' and the Guv says 'Never stalls on us' and Sam said 'Doesn't, does it. If I didn't know better I'd say it didn't want to be nicked. Just as well the farmer next door spotted it or we'd have never found it."

"So that's how they found you. Someone must have recognized your picture from the papers or telly and reported it to the police."

"I suppose so."

"So did they decide to clean you?"

"Well the Guv says 'It's had Charlie Edwards 'n'all in it' and Sam said 'That car gets more attention than a family pet' and the Guv said 'Missus used to say the same thing. Reckoned as how I cared more about the car than I did about her' and Sam says 'I don't wonder. All right, we'll get it cleaned out tomorrow. I don't want to leave it 'til Christmas anyway. I'll have better things to do then' and the Guv says 'Yeah?' and Sam says 'Yeah. Got Christmas all planned. Thought I'd cook us some Christmas lunch. You can help' and the Guv says 'Real Christmas lunch?' and Sam says 'The real deal. Ham, turkey, stuffing...' and the Guv says 'Stuffing? Now you're talking, Sammy boy' and Sam says 'You like stuffing?' and the Guv says 'I'll have you know I'm an expert at stuffing' and Sam says 'Good. I'll make the stuffing and you can stuff the bird' and the Guv says 'Oh, I'll do the stuffing all right, Sammy boy, but I won't be stuffing no bird' and Sam says 'Oh, shut up! We're having guests' and the Guv says 'Guests? Since when?' and Sam says 'Since I invited them. Annie, Phyllis, the WPCs are coming too, Ray and Chris, Vince, most of the others. Forensics too' and the Guv says 'Forensics?' and Sam says 'Forensics. They work just as hard as the rest of us' and the Guv says 'Bloody hell. That lot'll eat us out of house and home' and Sam says 'Don't worry I got us plenty of food' and the Guv says 'Grog too?' and Sam says 'Enough to keep you sweet. I even got something for the car' and the Guv says 'The car?' and Sam says 'Yeah. Got it some more balls' and the Guv says 'You're enjoyin' this aren't you' and Sam says 'We'll just call it "Goldenballs"' and the Guv says 'The plonks beat you to it. Heard 'em today - or rather yesterday - callin' it "Goldenballs" and takin' bets on which of us has bigger balls' and Sam laughed and says 'Hey, I wonder how they're gonna decide the winner' and the Guv says 'I'll get you drunk and you can strip for 'em' and Sam says 'You'd have to strip too' and the Guv says 'Oh, shut up' and Sam says 'So on Christmas morning we're cooking and cleaning' and the Guv says 'I'm gonna feel like a ruddy housewife' and Sam says 'Gotta be done and the house will look good. After we get the bird on I'll take the upstairs and you can do the downstairs' and the Guv says 'They're not gonna see the upstairs' and Sam says 'Bathroom's upstairs and they're all police officers, aren't they, and they'll want to make sure we really do sleep in separate beds' and the Guv says 'Bloody hell. Hide the lubricant' and Sam says 'Don't worry I've got just the place. Gotta turn the mattress over too' and the Guv says 'What?' and Sam says 'It's got indents from two bodies. So while you clean up downstairs I'll hide the evidence upstairs' and the Guv says 'And as DCI I'll have to inspect your work. Have to inspect you too' and Sam says 'Oh, no, you won't. I am not greeting guests looking like I've just been shagged' and the Guv says "Wanna bet?' and Sam says 'Shut up and gi' us a kiss' and after that they were quiet and I sat there and thought about how nice it was that I'd be getting more big, shiny balls for Christmas."

"Just ducky."

"Christmas seems to be such a jolly time of year. Humans singing together and giving each other gifts. Humans seem to be very nice to each other - well most humans anyway - at Christmas time. They're even nice to their cars."

"It's all very well for some big, pampered ponces who have Christmas all year around."

"Do you think so?"

"I know so. Never met a more pampered car in my life. 'Goldenballs' indeed."

"I was thinking how nice to me my humans are while I was sitting there in the garage resting my parts. The sun was just coming up and shining through the garage window and I could see myself in the old mirror. I was a bit black around the edges but that's all and my russet bronze skin glowed in the sun and I thought about how my humans had saved me, they'd saved the house, they'd arrested the naughty toe-rag humans, especially that Jimmy Norton human who had carnapped me twice and almost carnapped me a third time and put a smelly dead human in my boot and tried to set me on fire and tried to set my home on fire, and how I was very lucky to be home in my nice garage for Christmas and to have humans who were great, big poof heroes."

"And were the other cars glad to see you back?"

"Oh, yes, they were very pleased to see me back especially the Rover for some reason."

"Even the big, bad paddy wagon?"

"Well it said how it thought I must have really ended up in the canal but it was glad to see that I hadn't after all."

"That was nice of it."

"I thought so. They all wanted to know what had happened to me and I told them all about how the naughty toe-rags had carnapped me and put a dead human in my boot and tried to set me on fire and the Guv and Sam came to my rescue."

"And you're a very lucky car."

"I am. And I think my humans are lucky too."

"And why is that? And I'm sure I'll be sorry I asked."

"Cause you explained to me how they could have been killed rescuing me from the fire but they were all right, just a little black like I was, and there were other times they could have been killed too. And I think they're lucky to have me to transport them wherever they want to go 'cause I'm speedy and I help them to catch the naughty toe-rag humans so they can keep the streets safe for nice humans and for nice cars too and of course I have a very comfortable back seat so they can rub gearsticks whenever they want and they do like to rub gearsticks a lot and I have a nice, roomy glove box where they keep that little tube of lubrication stuff just for when they feel like rubbing gearsticks on my back seat and giving my suspension a workout 'cause of course I have superb suspension and I can test it and make sure it doesn't squeak when they rub gearsticks and why do humans have so many names for their gearsticks anyway? Not that it matters since I'm a Cortina and I'm very smart and they can't fool me 'cause I know what they're talking about now when they call it a truncheon, a swizzle stick, a cock, a dick, a dingaling, a tadger, a prick, a tickling stick and other funny names. I mean they call it everything but what it is which is a gearstick. Now why is that? Humans are very strange. Why don't they just call it a gearstick? I don't understand that at all. I don't know that I'll ever understand humans but I do know that a gearstick is a gearstick and I have a very attractive gearstick and wouldn't it be strange if us vehicles played with our gearsticks all the time like humans play with theirs? You're making that funny noise again and when you make that funny noise I get sus... sus... Uh... what was that big word again?"

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