The Cortina Chronicles 6:
A Cortina Christmas
by Clonesgirl
Part A - A Word in Your Air Intake
So here's Part 6. Yes, more adventures of the clueless car and, yes, I know I said no more after Part 5 and I meant it and I started to write something else, and something else, and even finished a small something, but then along it came on its four original wheels gabbing about Christmas decorations and carnapping. So I gave up writing those other things and this is the result. Not to be taken seriously under any circumstances.
The technical stuff:
RATING: PG-13 Blue Cortina
PAIRING: Gene/Sam
WORD COUNT: Part A: 6,530 Part B: 6,880 Total: 13,410
WARNINGS: Slash, running off at the mouth (long sentences) and angst. This is a darker tale. Should I also
mention there's a bit of coat destruction? Well there is. Sorry, couldn't be helped.
SPOILERS: For 1.04
ARCHIVE: The Motley Collection
DISCLAIMER: Characters borrowed strictly for fun, not profit. No offence intended.
BETAING: Not betaed. Apologies. If you spot any goofs please let me know.
FEEDBACK: Would be lovely, not to mention encourage me to scribble some more fic.
NOTE: If you wish to link to this story it would be much appreciated if you could let the
author know.
* * *
Yesterday I had another conversation with that daft police Cortina. Calls itself a police car. Huh. The silly prat wouldn't know a dead body if it ran over one. All it talks about is shag pile and shagging. Anyway we were parked outside a cinema and it seemed two humans had been stabbed inside. The Cortina's humans were sitting in it while they were waiting for Forensics and Sam was complaining that there were no witnesses 'cause the movie was so bad no one wanted to see it, the projectionists were playing poker and the usherette and the manager were having a bit of hanky panky in the manager's office. The Guv said it had all the hallmarks of a revenge attack.
Just then the human called Annie walked past them and the one called the Guv asked her if she could get them a bite to eat. As she walked away I heard the Guv say that he couldn't understand why she and Sam hadn't got together.
"I like her. She's been a good friend to me when I badly needed one, but I'm not in love with her."
"A nice bit of skirt like that - nice tits too - don't tell me you weren't tempted."
"Sure, but she wouldn't. I mention the word 'shag' and she says I'm being rude."
"Powers of persuasion desert you?"
"Sometimes I'm not sure I have any."
"Sure persuaded me."
"Didn't have to, did I. You're a pushover for a wager. Anyway she's saving herself for 'the right man'."
"You sayin' she's a virgin? Cobblers! Aren't any - not in Manchester anyhow."
"Oh, and you know this from...?"
"Oh, shut it. What would you know, you big fairy? Anyhow, I've had me share."
"Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, I was a virgin too."
"Virgins are a dyin' breed - and I mean birds, not noncy, little poofs. They don't count."
"Course they do. And anyway what about big, rough, tough DCIs? Do they count?"
"Nah. No one'd ever believe I was a pillow biter."
"So by your way of thinking if people think the great DCI Hunt is so macho he'd never indulge in something as queer as having a cock up his manly arse, then it never happened, we never got together, and you're still a sweet, innocent, little virgin."
"Quite right."
"Bollocks."
"People know you stay in my house since the missus left and we've both let it be known that I only let you stay there 'cause you're handy to have around 'cause you can cook. God knows I do me damnedest to treat you the same at work..."
"Oh, yeah, I love being banged up against the filing cabinet in your office. Not a good idea now since we're both inclined to get horny. Then there's the rough-ups in Lost and Found. Everyone thinks you drag me in there to beat shit out of me and instead I get kissed, groped and have my arse smacked."
"Have to smack something in case anyone's eavesdropping."
"They wouldn't dare."
"Yeah, so if anyone asks we're two straight blokes sharing a bachelor pad with a revolving door of birds..."
"Invisible ones."
"...so even if anyone suspected you and I were playing house they'd never believe I'd let you be top dog."
"So you reckon no one in a million years would believe the great, macho, man's man Gene Hunt would revel in being on the receiving end?"
"Nah."
"Little do they know..."
"And for both our sakes it bloody better stay that way. Much as I don't mind letting you do half the work..."
"'Don't mind'...?"
"Oh, shut it. As I was saying, I've no desire to be on the receiving end of blackmail."
The Guv put his gloved hand on the Cortina's gearstick and Sam rested his bare hand on top of it, stroking it a little.
"I could really go for some glove action."
"You just fancy a bit o' leather on the old tickling stick."
"Mmm..."
"Kinky sod."
"Good job I bought a pair of soft leather gloves or we'd ruin your driving gloves."
Then Annie came back with the food and they busied themselves eating and not long after that Forensics arrived and they all went into the cinema.
All that time the Cortina was silent. In fact I've noticed it's always quiet when its humans are talking.
"You're quiet," I says.
"I listen to my humans and I try to understand what they say."
"Do you now?"
"I do. I have great air intakes and vents."
"Make for good listening, don't they."
"They do. I hear everything and I understand more now. They were talking about the Guv's gloves and they're made of leather like my upholstery."
"Yes, they are."
"And I think they were talking about using leather gloves on their gearsticks and how much they like it. You're making that funny noise."
"Yes, they were."
"So the Guv uses leather gloves on my gearstick and Sam's gearstick too and now Sam is using leather gloves on the Guv's gearstick. Leather gloves feel nice on my steering wheel and gearstick too. They must feel nice on my humans' gearsticks too. You're still making that funny noise. What's a virgin?"
"Hmm... Think of it as a brand new vehicle right off the factory floor and never been driven."
"Uh, so you and I were virgins until we were first driven?"
"Yeah, I suppose so. Virgin vehicles you might say. Your gears and clutch are a bit stiff and your gearbox can be a bit oversensitive and your brakes and a few other bits and pieces might need a bit of adjusting. You know what I mean. Your pistons need wearing in gentle like."
"Yes, I do. So a human virgin might have a gearstick that's too stiff and a gearbox that's oversensitive until they're used a few times. Now I understand. You're still making that funny noise."
"Good, 'cause I don't want to have to explain that again."
"So my humans are not virgins 'cause they regularly rub gearsticks and dip them in each other's gear boxes and use lubrication though I think they make their own as well."
"You could say that."
"But what if they stopped rubbing gearsticks and dipping them in each other's gear boxes and using lubrication and making their own? I mean would they be virgins again? Why are you making that funny noise?"
"Would you become a virgin again if your humans stopped driving you?"
"Uh, I don't know 'cause they're always driving me but I don't think my gears would ever be stiff again like they were when I was brand new."
"Well there you go then. You can only be a virgin once."
"So I've learnt something new tonight. Now I know all about virgins and why I'm not a virgin and my humans are not virgins either. See? I'm always learning. I told you I'm very smart."
"Yes, you're very smart - for a Cortina."
"What do you mean 'for a Cortina'? We're all very smart and very stylish too. What's blackmail?"
"Call yourself a police car! More like a silly, great, pampered ponce."
"I'll have you know that I am not only a police car, I am Police Car of the Year and..."
"Pity they didn't test your brains at that competition."
"... I am most certainly not a silly, great, pampered ponce, whatever that is. So what's blackmail?"
"A word in your air intake, ducky. From what I understand it's a very nasty bit of business."
"So what is it?"
"Demands for money for one thing."
"You mean naughty toe-rag humans demanding money? But why would other humans pay them?"
"As I understand it's because the tossers know something about them that's a secret."
"What's a secret?"
"Something you don't want anyone else to know."
"Naughty toe-rag humans would really do this?"
"They would and they do."
"So the nice humans have to pay them just because the tossers found out their secret?"
"And more than likely keep on paying them to stop the tossers from revealing their secret."
"Oh, dear. But couldn't they go to the police?"
"No, because then they'd have to explain why they're being blackmailed so they'd have to tell the police their secret and they might not want the police to know their big secret either."
"How strange. Us mechanicals, we don't have secrets do we?"
"Nah. We're easy to understand and we know our place in a human world. But humans? They're an odd lot and if you ask me they all have their little secrets. Take your humans."
"My humans? What about them?"
"Well they're poofs, fairies and queers aren't they."
"Oh, yes, you explained that. It's because they like to rub gearsticks on my back seat and dip them in each other's gearboxes while using some lubrication stuff in a little tube they keep in my glove box and they also stuff strawberries down each other's fuel intakes. They're my poof heroes."
"Yes, but they don't want other humans to know they're poofs."
"Why not?"
"Because this is what I was saying about humans having secrets and that's their big secret."
"But how do you know it's a secret?"
"You heard them just now. They want everyone to think they're two blokes sharing a bachelor pad with lots of women coming and going. Now answer me this - do female humans regularly visit the house?"
"Uh, no, except for Annie."
"She's a WDC. Doesn't count. See? That's what I mean. You've been around humans, especially your humans, long enough to know the kinds of things they like to keep close to their chest."
"You mean the big box in the garage? But the only thing that's next to that is an old shelf with some tools on it."
"No, you great dill. I mean the kinds of things humans wouldn't want other humans to know about them. Private things. Things they keep to themselves."
"But they're heroes who arrest the naughty toe-rag humans so I don't understand."
"It's the toe-rags who would love to know a secret like that so they could blackmail your humans."
"Oh. Now I understand... I think. It must be very strange being human and having to keep secrets all the time. Just as well we're not like that. I mean we don't have secrets."
"Just as well humans can't understand us 'cause we see and hear everything they wouldn't want other humans to know."
"So if other humans found out that the Guv and Sam like to rub gearsticks they could get blackmailed?"
"They could indeed."
"Oh, my. It's different for us isn't it."
"Of course. I mean to us they're all just humans. Like when the Pandas and the unmarked cars tell you that you're nothing but a shag wagon for queers, that's not because they have anything against your humans. Quite the opposite. They all envy you and wish they had a pair of humans like yours who'd take care of them like your humans take care of you. Humans though, well they're a different set of wheels aren't they."
"So there are humans who would blackmail my humans if they knew they liked to rub gearsticks on my back seat."
"And rub gloved hands all over each other. Now I know you have vinyl for brains but try and remember you're a police car and watch out for anyone suspicious hanging around the house, or even around you."
"I'm not just a police car, I'm Police Car of the Year and I'm very smart too. What's sus... sus...?"
"Suspicious. Strangers maybe acting a bit odd. You know, hiding behind the bushes or something or watching the house from across the street."
"Why would they hang around me?"
"Who knows? Maybe looking for proof of what your humans get up to on your back seat."
"Oh. I never knew about blackmail before. Now I see what you mean about it's a nasty business. What's 'invisible'?"
"It means you can't see it."
"So when Sam said invisible women he meant female humans you can't see?"
"That's right. You can't see them 'cause they don't exist. So your humans are pretending to other humans that they have lots of female humans around for company when they have no such thing and wouldn't want them 'cause they're poofs."
"Female humans are poofs?"
"No, you silly git, your humans are poofs."
"Oh. So would humans who blackmail other humans care about that?"
"They certainly would."
"And would they care that my humans sleep together at night? And I'm not a dill, whatever that is, or a silly git."
"Indeed they would. Anyway how do you know that since you're parked in the garage?"
"Yes, I am but I hear everything when they leave the garage window open 'cause it's just below the bedroom window, so I hear them at night especially when the weather's warmer and they have the bedroom window open. I also hear them when they're in the living room 'cause it's right below the bedroom window and even closer to the garage window. Like last night they had an argument over what to watch on the television thing. The Guv wanted to watch something called The Longest Day but Sam said what do you want to watch that for 'cause you've already seen it and the Guv said it was a great war film, whatever that is, and Sam said big deal, red buttons in a Hollywood studio dangling by a parachute, whatever that is, from a church steeple in occupied France and I wondered why humans would want to dangle red buttons from a church and the Guv said it had a man's man, John Wayne, in it, whoever he is, and anyway he thought Sam didn't like westerns, whatever they are, and Sam said this was different 'cause it was a cult western and it had Joan Crawford packing guns and running a saloon, and I wondered who or what Joan Crawford and a saloon were, and anyway they didn't have a video cassette recorder yet, whatever that is, 'cause they'd only just been invented and cost the earth so they wouldn't be able to afford one for another few years so in the meantime they'd either have to buy a second telly or they'd have to compromise. Then the Guv said heads he'd watch The Longest Day but Sam won and I could hear him laughing and saying Joan was a hoot with her guns and she got all the man's lines and why was she dressed like a virgin in a lovely, flowing, white gown when she's going to be hanged by a Mercedes." +
"What? How could a Mercedes hang anyone? It never would! A Mercedes is a prince among cars it is."
"I don't know but that's what Sam said. He said that Vienna was hanged by a Mercedes."
"Vienna? Did you say Vienna?"
"I think that's what he said."
"You are completely clueless. Do you happen to know what Vienna is?"
"Uh... no."
"It happens to be a city in Europe. So how could a Mercedes hang anyone, let alone a whole city, you great dill?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know. Now why am I not surprised."
"Uh, what's 'hanged'?"
"It means for a human to be strung up with a big rope around their neck. Saw someone strung up outside a building like that one day and the police said the geezer was hanged. Very nasty. Sam did say Vienna and not Venice?"
"Yes, I think that's what he said. Why? What's Venice?"
"It's another place in Europe and it's full of water."
"Why is it full of water?"
"'Cause it's got canals. One of my drivers a few years ago went there for a holiday and he told the other drivers all about it and how it's got all these canals and bridges everywhere."
"Canals like the one here?"
"Suppose so."
"But if it's full of canals then there'd be no streets and nowhere for us vehicles to go. How strange. Why would they make so many canals? Don't they like cars in Venice?"
"Maybe not. Maybe they only have boats."
"I mean if there are only canals and no streets then what do the humans do with their cars? I mean us cars would sink in all that water and that would be terrible."
"I don't know. Maybe they put the cars on boats so they don't sink."
"What a good idea! We'd need big boats to carry us though, wouldn't we."
"We would indeed. Might be fun floating around canals on boats but I'd much rather have all four wheels on dry land."
"Are some days longer than others?"
"No. Why?"
"They were talking about the longest day."
"No, they were talking about a film called The Longest Day. Days have all got twenty-four hours in them."
"I'm not so sure. Some feel like they're longer."
"Only if you're clock's up the spout."
"My clock is very accurate - the Guv has said so - and I don't think it's up a spout, whatever that is."
"I might've known."
"Known what?"
"About your clock."
"What about my clock? Are you quite sure all days are the same length? I'm sure some are longer than others."
"Yes, well you would say that, you big goose."
"What's a goose?"
"Can I help it if you have vinyl for brains?"
"There's nothing wrong with my brain. I'm a Cortina and I'm pampered and I'm very smart."
"You are so silly you think humans have gearsticks."
"They do too, and they move too, just like mine. You heard my humans tonight. They use leather gloves on their gearsticks just like they do when they're driving me so they must like driving each other and I like the feel of leather on my gearstick and they like the feel of leather on their gearsticks too and a gearstick is a gearstick no matter what they call it and whether it's a car's or a human's and I know all about gearsticks 'cause my humans like to rub gearsticks and dip them in each other's fuel intakes and gearboxes..."
"While you get drunk. It's no wonder."
"No wonder what?"
"You're such a div."
"What's a div?"
"You are."
"I think you're being insulting. Did I tell you about the paper?"
"What paper?"
"The paper thing that was pushed under the front door a couple of nights ago. Never saw this human before but I could just see him through the garage window. My humans found it in the morning and Sam opened it on the way to the station. Then he told the Guv to pull over before we got there and he showed it to him."
"Did they say what it was about?"
"Not really but the Guv was upset and he said 'What bastard do we have to thank for this?' and Sam said 'It may be nothing. Just someone's idea of a joke' and the Guv said 'And it may be bloody something' and Sam said 'We'll carry on as normal' and the Guv said 'And we'll speak to the snouts' and Sam said 'Don't worry. We'll get to the bottom of it.'"
"Could you see where the man came from?"
"I heard a car pull up. Sounded like a Marina. After the man had gone I heard it leave. Is... Is that something that you'd call sus... sus...?"
"Suspicious. And, yes, it is. Nice humans don't normally go pushing notes under other humans' doors in the middle of the night, and it sounds like your humans were upset when they read the note."
"Yes, they were. Do you think this might be what you were talking about? You know - blackmail?"
"I don't know, but be on the lookout for humans acting suspicious."
"I am not just a police car, I'm Police Car of the Year and I'm an asset to CID."
"So try and keep your wits about you."
"I will. Uh... what are wits? I'm sure I don't have any parts called wits."
"That'd be right."
Well after that conversation a fortnight passed during which I didn't see the Cortina around but I didn't worry about it and thought the other ambulances must have seen it. A third week came along and I was in for a major service and had several parts replaced and this took nearly a week after the silly mechanic humans discovered that one of the replacement parts was the wrong one and wouldn't fit. Typical. Anyway by the time I was finally back on the road again and feeling great some four weeks had gone by and it was coming up to Christmas when I was called to a shooting and noticed that the silly car wasn't there. Instead its humans, the Guv and Sam, were driving the blue Rover. So I asked it where the Cortina was, thinking that, like me, it might be having a service.
"Oh, haven't you heard?" it says. "There's a big flap going on."
"What big flap?"
"It's been carnapped. Didn't you know?"
"What! When did this happen?"
"Oh, couple of weeks ago. I'm surprised you haven't heard. Everyone is looking for it."
The poncy git carnapped? Well this was a turnout! So I asked the Rover what it knew and it said the Cortina was carnapped late one night while its humans were on a stakeout. Its humans are very upset and have half the police force out looking for it and the Guv has offered five hundred quid to anyone with information.
I assured it that I'd keep a lookout too and would alert my fellow ambulance vehicles to be on the lookout as well, but then it said there was more. It seemed some tossers have been taking pot shots at the Guv and Sam too and they'd been lucky to escape, and so had the Rover.
Well there was the usual wait for Forensics to arrive so I listened in to the human's conversation as they waited in the Rover.
"Look, we know it's Warren," the Sam human was saying. "He's out to get us, we know that. Charlie Edwards is our best bet. You spoken to Dilys?"
"She reckons it's not Charlie Edwards but I think we'll pay the little bastard a visit since Warren's brief got him out on bail."
"Look the notes were right. We get the first note. Then the car gets snatched from under our noses."
"Don't remind me."
"Then we get the second note saying the car was just a warning and we won't live to testify against him."
"Yeah, I know, I know. So now we're the targets and I'm getting tired of looking over my shoulder."
"Yeah, well I'm getting to the stage where I'm starting to jump at shadows."
"We'll get the bastards, and when I do..."
They reached out and held hands for a moment so I asked the Rover if the Guv and Sam had been shagging on its back seat at all but it said no, nothing more than a quick snog, but it was quite unhappy and complained something terrible about the Guv's driving and said he complains that it handles like a bleedin' tank. It also said Sam couldn't stand the smell of it and said it was disgusting and even the Guv complained that it smelled like a boxer's shorts so Sam cleaned it and it had never been so clean in years but now the other officers complained that it smelled 'poofy' and, unlike a certain Cortina I could name, it has a brain and actually knows what 'poofy' means. So it was not a happy Rover and was wishing the Cortina would be found 'cause it was not enjoying taking its place in the least.
After talking to the Rover I really began to realize just how much that big, dopey git of a Cortina really was needed. It was speedy, powerful and clung to the road like a Ferrari. What's more the Guv never complained about it, and it never complained about the way it was driven. In fact it was perfectly happy being driven at top speed through narrow laneways with sharp turns and suddenly coming to a screeching stop and it loved smelling all nice and poncy and it especially loved it's poofy velvet shag pile which it never shut up about. Then again the silly, great, pampered ponce was as thick as two tyres and you could slag it off all day long and it didn't have a clue what you were talking about. Now there was a car which was perfectly happy with its lot and especially with its humans and, as far as I could tell, its humans were perfectly happy with it. What is it humans say? Oh, yes, a marriage made in heaven. So I really hoped its humans would find it soon - and in one piece.
Another week went past and I saw one of the Pandas at a red light and asked if there was any word about the Cortina and it said, yes, it had been found at long last but there were fires and a murder too.
Fires? Murder? Carnapping? Town's getting rougher than usual, but I had to wait for the full story until I saw the poncy git again. Three days later a clothing store was held up and three people were shot. I was the second ambulance to arrive at the scene and number one left just as I got there and my humans got out. The long-missing Cortina was parked right across from me.
"Ducky! I heard you were carnapped."
"Oh, Ambulance, you wouldn't believe what happened to me."
"Well go on. Tell me all about it."
"Well the Guv and Sam were on a stakeout, it was two o'clock in the morning and there was a noise nearby and they went to see what it was but they left me unlocked and the next thing I know two humans run out of a side lane and jump in. The Guv had my keys but I was parked on a hill so they let out the hand brake and I rolled down and the next thing you know the tossers clutch started me. I was driven over twelve miles and then up a driveway and there was an old house there but they drove right around the back of it and into some trees and there was an old garage there and they parked me. One of them was saying that I smelled awfully fruity for a copper's car and the other one said that I should stink of real men and stale fags and he opened my ashtray and discovered the little air freshener thing that Sam puts there and he said 'What's with that? You'd think this was a queer's car' and then he looked through the things in my glove box and took out the little tube of lubrication stuff the Guv and Sam use when they rub gearsticks and he showed it to the other one and said 'Well what do you know - it is a queers' car' and the other one said 'The boss will love this' and they both kind of sniggered. Then the one holding the little tube says 'You don't suppose...' and he looked at the other one, and then they both looked at my back seat and the other one says 'I'm gonna be sick' and the other one kind of sniggered and threw it back in my glove box and says 'We ought to bloody burn it' but the other one says how they can't 'cause I'm needed to blackmail my humans but the other one says 'Who's to know if we burn it, you know, accidentally on purpose?' and I wondered what that meant and I thought it must be bad, but the other one says no, 'cause it's the boss's orders. So I wondered about what you said about blackmail and I thought maybe I was somehow being used to blackmail my own humans and these tossers were ig... iggy... What was that word?"
"Ignorant."
"That's the word. I thought they were ignorant for saying they should burn me 'cause I was a queer's car 'cause my humans are poof heroes who would arrest them and these naughty toe-rags had no right to carnap me and I also thought they were ignorant 'cause they didn't know how to rub gearsticks like my humans do - I mean my humans really know how to rub gearsticks 'cause they do it all the time but these two were just ignorant 'cause no one had ever shown them how to rub gearsticks. I mean my humans enjoy it very much and it seems to make them very happy but these two humans were not happy at all so I thought they ought to rub gearsticks, then they'd be a lot happier and then they wouldn't go around carnapping nice cars like me."
"That's what you thought, did you?"
"Yes, I thought of that all by myself. See? I told you I'm very smart. You're making that funny noise again. And I wanted to tell them that I belong to the Guv, and now Sam too, and I work for Manchester CID and I'm a very important police car 'cause I'm speedy and I catch the toe-rags - only now they'd caught me..."
"Quite a turnabout, eh?"
"Naughty humans."
"Some humans are right tossers, but what can we do? We're only mechanicals built to serve them. So what happened then?"
"Then they left me, closed the garage doors and I heard them walking away. They seemed very pleased with themselves that I was so easy to nick and I wished I could have done something more to stop them."
"It's all right, ducky. Like you said, it happened so fast you didn't have time to do anything same as I didn't have time to do anything that time I was nicked and you had to come to my rescue."
"Yes, I remember that. Anyway I thought next time they tried to start me up again I'd stall on them."
"So what happened then?"
"I listened carefully - you know how I have good air intakes and vents - but I couldn't hear anything. I was quite a ways from the street and on the outskirts of town. I wasn't even near the house. Now and then I'd hear the sound of another vehicle passing but I didn't know them. Not any of the Pandas or the unmarked cars. So I was stuck there, hidden away in that old garage in the trees and it was very damp and dirty too, not like my own nice, clean garage, and I sat there wondering how long it would take for my humans to find me. I missed them very much but they're both so clever so I thought if anyone could find me they could. I remembered what you've always told me about having faith in my humans so I waited."
"You were right to have faith in them. If anyone could find a missing car your humans could."
"Well days passed and then I heard the humans who'd carnapped me coming closer and I listened carefully. They seemed to be arguing. One said, 'Jimmy, we can't take that car. You saw the papers. That car's picture's all over 'em. "Missing: Police Car of the Year", and it's on telly too - "Have you seen this car?" We wouldn't get two blocks without someone recognizing it' and the other one said 'Course we would. It's the middle of the night isn't it? No one's gonna notice 'cause no one's gonna see it, are they' and the other one said 'The boss's orders were to hide it here and we can't take the chance. Someone might recognize it' and the other one said 'Course we can and I wanna drive it. Police Car of the Year - how bloody poncy can you get! I'm drivin' it' and the other one said 'Jimmy, we'll get in trouble. We'll take my car, yeah?' and the other one said 'You take the bleedin' Marina if you want. I'm takin' the Cortina. It might be a soddin' queers' car but at least it's fast' and he jumped in me and went to work on my wiring. The other one got in too and the next thing you know they got me started, but I stalled on them."
"Good for you, ducky."
"I was glad I was able to stall on them. Then the other one said 'You are bloody useless' and then he fiddled with my wires and they started me again, but I stalled on them again."
"That was right clever of you, ducky."
"The human in my passenger seat who'd told the other one he was bloody useless said, 'Police Car of the Year! I mean smell it. It even smells like a poncy queer's car and it's a useless shitheap too' and then he told the other one to rev the bastard thing and they drove me out of the garage. Then the Jimmy human says to the other tosser 'Did you put the petrol in the boot?' and the other tosser says no, he didn't, and the Jimmy human says he's as useless as the frigging car, so they stopped me and the human got out and walked back to get the petrol can and put it in my boot and hopped back in again and I wondered why they'd want a can of petrol unless they were planning on taking me for a long drive where there were no petrol stations. When he got out I stalled again but the toe-rag started me again and revved me. So anyway they're driving me and after a while I start to see familiar streets once more and I realize that we're on the way home. We were going to the Guv's house, and I was so excited 'cause I thought they were taking me home at long last, but I soon realized it was all wrong. They parked me just down the road from the Guv's house and the one who was driving said 'We'll give the queer coppers a little Christmas present, eh?' and then they got out and left my motor running and one got the can of petrol out of my boot and then they walked up the road very quiet like and jumped over the fence and I thought it's the middle of the night and the Guv and Sam will be asleep upstairs and they were giving them a little Christmas present for me and maybe they weren't such tossers after all - I mean they'd brought me back home, hadn't they - and then I waited and the next thing there's a bright orange light flickering from the house, but just then another car comes up the road and it's the Rover! And the Guv and Sam drive it up to the Guv's house and the Guv jumps out and runs over to the house and Sam says he'll call for the fire brigade and I realized the house was on fire."
"They set the Guv's house on fire?"
"Yes! My home was on fire. Then the tossers are running back to me and then Sam jumps out of the Rover and he's chasing them down the street and they jump into me but I stalled on them again and they lock my doors and Sam's banging on them and shouting 'Gene! Gene, they've got the car!' and then they get me started again and I stall on them again and Sam's still trying my doors and they get me started again and this time they rev me and he was shouting at the tossers to stop and they were under arrest, but they took no notice of him and the other human was shouting at the Jimmy human to run over the copper and the Jimmy human jammed me into reverse and tried to run over Sam and I didn't have a chance to try and stall again and then he jams me into first and puts his foot down and Sam can't help me and I can see him running back up the road and I can see the flames now coming from the Guv's house and then they drive me fast through the streets, not even stopping for red lights and they were arguing the whole time and one was saying 'I told you we should have taken the Marina. The way this junkpile stalls we were lucky to get away' and the Jimmy human says 'How were we to know the bloody coppers would be coming home at half past three in the morning?' and the other says 'They were probably out looking for this piece of shit' and I realized that my humans must have been spending days and nights looking for me and that meant that they missed me and here I'd been carnapped again - taken from my humans again."
"Oh, ducky, how awful! To be so close to home and get carnapped again - and at Christmas of all times. And you did your best to stop them too."
"I tried, but I couldn't stop them. I couldn't believe it. I was almost home, and I'd been snatched again. Sam had tried to stop them but of course my locks are excellent and he couldn't open them. I felt so terrible - I mean that they used me to try and hurt Sam when I should have been helping my humans to catch them."
"Poor old ducky. You did have a bad time of it, didn't you? I hope you remembered the rules. We are not responsible for the way humans use or misuse us."
"Well not right then 'cause then there was the murder."
*
To be continued.
+ The movie Sam wanted to watch was the 1954 western Johnny Guitar starred Joan Crawford as the gun-toting Vienna and Mercedes McCambridge as the evil Emma Small, hence the clueless car and the ambulance getting it all a bit mixed up. These days it's considered a cult movie. There are some great reviews here. The movie Gene wanted to watch, The Longest Day, is an excellent WWII movie about the D-Day invasion of Normandy starring John Wayne, Red Buttons and a host of other well known Hollywood actors.
