The Cortina Chronicles 5:
Shag Pile Tales
by Clonesgirl
So here's part 5 of the adventures of the clueless car. The Cortina loses its pride and joy - its shag pile. Not to be taken seriously under any circumstances.
The technical stuff:
RATING: PG Green Cortina
PAIRING: Gene/Sam
WORD COUNT: Just over 7,780
WARNINGS: Slash - now you all know what that is. And running off at the mouth (long sentences).
Plus a bit of angst.
SPOILERS: None
ARCHIVE: The Motley Collection
DISCLAIMER: Characters borrowed strictly for fun, not profit. No offence intended.
BETAING: Not betaed. Apologies. If you spot any goofs please let me know.
FEEDBACK: Would be lovely, not to mention encourage me to scribble some more fic.
NOTE: If you wish to link to this story it would be much appreciated if you could let the
author know.
* * *
Take it from me, a sensible ambulance who's been around the block a few times, different cars have different attitudes and a lot can depend on the make too. Age and experience with humans can also play a factor. Now you take your young car straight off the lot and happy with its first human owner and the owner is in turn very proud of their nice, shiny, new vehicle. Ask it how it would feel if it was to be traded in by its owner and it will say oh, but my owner thinks I'm great and he'd never trade me in. Ask an older car how it would feel if it was traded in and it will say so I'll have another owner and one human's much like another. Then there are the brainy ones. Ask them how they'd feel about being traded in and they'd just laugh and tell you they have their owners by the balls. Then there are the brainless twits, and for some reason some models are more brainless than others. Cortinas for instance.
Now take a certain police car - a great, big, gullible prat of a Cortina - which tears around the city while its humans put holes in other humans in the course of upholding the law. Does more damage than good if you ask me. Ask it how it would feel if its humans traded it in and it will say: "Oh, but the Guv would never do that 'cause I'm speedy and I catch the naughty toe-rag humans and I'm also very attractive with my vinyl roof and russet bronze skin with cream leather upholstery and lovely, soft shag pile in tan with apricot highlights, not to mention all my great woodwork and of course I have superb suspension too which comes in handy when my humans rub gearsticks on my back seat which they seem to enjoy a lot but of course I have a very comfortable back seat which they often make use of even though they both say they have a perfectly good bed at home so I'm not quite sure why they like to use my back seat as often as they do but then again they do like to rub gearsticks a lot and I'm certainly not complaining as I'm treated very well and I'm sure they'd never dream of trading me in."
See what I mean? I'd get far more sense out of cheaper cars like a Hillman Imp, a Mini, or even a VW. In fact, especially a VW. Now there's a sensible German car. But a Cortina? What I get is:
"I know what you mean now when you say that I'm spoiled rotten."
"Do you now, genius? Well what do you think it means?"
"It means that my humans take care of me."
"Oh, does it now?"
"Yes. And they take care of me very well. You remember how they were talking about putting some plastic over my lovely shag pile in the wet weather to protect it? Well I have it now. Don't like it. Kind of crinkly and you can barely see the lovely colours through it but I suppose it's better than nothing and at least it's stopping my thick carpet from getting all wet and muddy."
"Is it now?"
"Yes, but only while the weather's wet. Once the rain goes away they said they'd remove it so people will be able to see my lovely shag pile again. Won't that be nice?"
"Just ducky."
"Can't wait for the rain to go away so people will be able to see the lovely tan and apricot colours again. Sure has been raining for a long time."
"Five days now with hardly a letup. Everything is sodden. Good job I have sensible rubber mats."
"Well I'm certainly glad I don't have them. They may be sensible but they're nowhere near as attractive as thick shag pile in tan with apricot highlights."
"Is that what you think?"
"Oh, yes. When my humans rest their feet on it they often say how nice and soft it feels. Sam always complains about how much time they spend cleaning it but I know they'd never swap it for rubber mats. They like it very much and even Sam agrees that it goes perfectly with my russet bronze colour. The Guv was really lucky that he persuaded the salesman to let me go because I was really a showroom model and not for sale but he really liked my shag pile and only us showroom models came with lovely soft, extra thick shag pile."
See what I mean? All I hear about is its shag pile. And if it's not prattling on about its shag pile it's shagging - of the rubbing gearsticks variety, as the silly thing insists on calling it. I'll say one thing for it, it's cheerful. You can't ever say it's not cheerful even if it does have vinyl for brains. But then came the day when it was no longer cheerful.
What a day. Even cars on a one way trip to the big scrap heap are resigned to their fate and while they're far from cheerful they're not completely, totally miserable either, but the November day that I met the Cortina I will never forget. It had now been pouring for a very long nine days and humans were beginning to wonder when it would ever stop. All anyone talked about was the miserable weather and the weather reports and a deep low that wouldn't seem to budge.
I had been called to the police station to take away an injured prisoner and while I sat there waiting for my humans to bring him out I saw the Cortina parked nearby and called out a greeting to it, only to have it barely respond.
"What's the matter, ducky? Aren't your humans taking care of you any more?"
"Oh, Ambulance, what am I to do?"
"What's the matter?"
"My lovely shag pile - it's gone!" it wailed.
"What? What are you talking about? What do you mean it's gone? Some tosser nicked it?"
"It's gone, and they can't fix it."
"Start at the beginning, would you, and talk sense. Where has your shag pile gone?"
"It's ruined."
Well this was a turnout.
"I don't understand. What happened to it?"
"You remember because of all the rain the Guv and Sam decided to put plastic over it to save it from getting all wet and muddy but the plastic got holes, especially in the back, and it seems that the water dripped through under the plastic and the shag pile went all mouldy and smelly. They noticed it yesterday. I'd noticed the smell days before but I didn't know what it was from. Sam said it's all because it's rained for so long so the plastic stayed on it too long and never got removed and the Guv said that Sam and his bright ideas had wrecked it and Sam said that he was sorry and he'd try and get the mould out."
"Well that's very bad news. I hope he'll be able to get the mould out."
"He says maybe not. He took it out of me and hung it up to dry but he says it wouldn't dry because the air is so damp so he said he'd shampoo it and see if he can save it. The Guv is fit to murder someone and is blaming Annie's heels and Chris's umbrella and the sodding wet weather, but I don't care who did it. I mean they didn't mean to ruin my shag pile I know that... but... but now I have no shag pile and... and I don't know what to do 'cause I may never get it back and they've put those awful rubber mats in me. The Guv says it's just until they can get the mould out of my carpet but... but... I'm afraid. I'm afraid..."
"What's there to be afraid of? They'll fix up your shag pile you'll see. You've always told me how clever Sam is and he'll find a way to get the mould out of it, you'll see."
"You think so? I don't know and I'm afraid. I'm afraid that they'll get used to the awful rubber mats - they don't even smell nice - and I'll never get my lovely shag pile back again. Oh, what am I to do?"
My humans arrived just then with the injured prisoner and a police escort as well. After they put the prisoner in me one of the plods got in back and two more got in a Panda to escort me to hospital and two more got in another Panda. I must say I like having a police escort. Makes me feel a lot safer, especially when I'm carrying a prisoner, even if he is handcuffed.
As I left I called out "Cheer up, ducky, and remember what I told you before about having a little faith in your humans. They'll fix up your old shag pile, you'll see."
And I really did hope that I'd succeeded in cheering it up a bit. Never met a more miserable car in my life. Then again its shag pile was its pride and joy, as humans say. Hope its not leaking oil but I bet it is.
Well almost three weeks passed before I saw it again when we were stopped at a red light but I knew the moment I saw it that things were not good. To humans vehicles always look the same, well unless they've been in an accident or something, but us mechanicals, we can tell the difference and I knew it was feeling down in the dumps. It was positively drooping.
"Oi, ducky!" I called out. "How are you?"
"Rubber mats," it muttered.
"And how's your shag pile?"
"Sam has given up on it," it wailed.
"Oh, cheer up, ducky. Your humans are looking after you, aren't they?"
"Yes, they are, but... but I miss my shag pile."
"Don't worry. Maybe they'll find some other carpet for you."
I reminded it once more to have a bit of faith in its humans.
Well another week went by before I saw it again.
"The Guv's been complaining I'm sluggish, and I think I am too, though I don't mean to be."
"Never mind, ducky. Your humans are doing a good job of looking after you. You are a very lucky car you know. Any other humans would have just thrown out your carpet long ago 'cause it takes too much looking after and replaced it permanently with rubber mats."
Well I was sorry I said that 'cause I could swear it positively shuddered. Then it moaned that it was leaking oil.
"Oh, come on. It'll be all right. You'll see. You can trust your humans."
"When the Guv said I was sluggish Sam said that I must be missing my shag pile."
"He was probably joking. You know how humans joke. But he never spoke a truer word."
"I know. The Guv told Sam to book me in for a tune-up. He wants to cure my sluggishness."
"I would have thought that all you needed was the other kind of tune-up. You know. Your humans shagging on the back seat."
"They haven't been."
"How come? They fighting?"
"No, but they've both been complaining something terrible about a case they're working on and they're both working long hours. I think they're just too tired. Humans need a lot of sleep don't they."
"Yes, they do."
"Why is that anyway? I mean we don't need sleep the way they do."
"That's cause their parts are made of flesh and bone and our parts are made of metal. All we need is some good lubrication to stop us wearing out but they need a lot of sleep to rest their parts."
"Wouldn't that be strange? I mean to need sleep. What if we needed to sleep like they do? I mean we'd be no good to anybody. My humans would need me to catch the toe-rags and I'd be asleep."
"If you ask me you are now."
"Are you being insulting?"
"Some of us have brains and some of us don't. That's just the way things are."
"What do humans do when they sleep?"
"Well you've seen them. They just lie there, or sometimes they sleep sitting up."
"But I've heard them say things about dreams. What are dreams?"
"Far as I can tell they're stories made up by the human brain. Not real or anything, just make believe."
"What's make believe?"
"You know, pretend. You know what that means now don't you?"
"Yes, you explained it all to me and I understand it now."
"Yeah, so I think dreams are kind of like that. You could pretend that you're a poncy Rolls Royce and you belong to the Royal Family and you get to carry the Queen around."
"But I don't want to be a Rolls Royce and I like being a police car and I like carrying my humans around and they like rubbing gearsticks on my back seat. So what's the Royal Family?"
"Just some ponces who live in big houses. They call them palaces."
"Ponces are called palaces?"
"No, you silly sod. A palace is like a very big house and the Royal Family live in them."
"But why do they live in such big houses?"
"I've asked myself that. I think it's 'cause they can."
"Who's the Queen?"
"A poncy human with a piece of glitter on her head."
"Do you think she'd like to meet me?"
"Now why would she want to meet you?"
"Cause I'm a Cortina and I'm very attractive and she might like to ride in me."
"Doubt it. You're not a Rolls Royce."
"So the Queen only rides around in Rolls Royces?"
"A poncy car for a poncy human."
"Does she never use any other kind of car?"
"Don't think so."
"She must be a very silly human. She should try a Cortina. I'm sure she'd love my russet bronze colour and stylish vinyl roof and of course there's my superb suspension which gives such a smooth ride and my well-padded cream leather seats which are very comfortable for humans to sit on, not to mention my lovely... shag pile... if I ever... get it back..."
The mere mention of its missing shag pile was enough to make it leak oil. Cortinas may be brainless twits but I'll take a cheerful one to a down-in-the-dumps one any day.
The next time I saw it it seemed that its humans had given up on saving its shag pile and it moaned some more about its hated rubber mats. I asked if it had had a tune-up yet and it said yes, it'd had one only the day before but it didn't seem to do much good and the Guv was complaining that it was still sluggish and blaming the mechanic humans for not doing the job properly. For my sake as well as the silly car's I really hoped its humans would find a solution to its carpet situation soon. I really didn't think I could take much more of a miserable Cortina. The tune-up didn't seem to have done it any good at all so I asked if its humans had been shagging on the back seat at all.
"They had a big argument two days ago and Sam said no sex for a week 'cause the Guv was being stubborn but the Guv said that Sam was a horny little bastard who couldn't go without for two whole days let alone a week but I still don't know what it has to do with my horn 'cause Sam seldom uses it."
"So still no shagging?"
"No rubbing gearsticks 'cause they're arguing about a case. Sam says the Guv is the most stubborn bastard he's ever met and the Guv says that Sam and his gay boy science will never win this one and he will be proved right."
"Isn't that just typical of humans! Any other time they'd shag each other blind but when you actually want them to they bloody well won't."
"The Pandas have noticed too."
"What? You mean they noticed you're not hung over?"
"I suppose so. They say things like 'What? No hangovers, ducky? Don't your humans love you any more?' and I tell them that my humans take good care of me and the unmarked cars say 'They ruined your shag pile and took it away and you just wait and see they'll trade you in for sure'. And I think there's no hope for my shag pile. Sam has been looking but he told the Guv that he can't find anything that looks like my old shag pile. He said he'd tried dealers and even telephoned the factory but they don't have any in this colour any more and he says they might have to see if they can find a shag pile rug somewhere and cut it up to fit me but they'd be lucky to match the colour."
By this stage I was beginning to wonder if there'd ever be an end to the poncy git's shag pile woes. I mean shag pile? Most cars wouldn't know what shag pile was if they ran over it and were quite content with normal car carpet, or even rubber mats, but I had to put up with a thick-as-two-tyres Cortina which did nothing but moan about its missing shag pile. Now if it had had ordinary carpet like your average car it could have easily been replaced with little or no fuss but, oh, no, it has to have the ponciest shag pile you ever heard of. I mean tan with apricot highlights? Give me strength. I blame Ford for this whole sorry situation.
Some days later a human was injured in a road accident but the geezer up and died before they could even load him into me. The human driver was most upset and said that the man had run across the road in front of him and he couldn't stop in time but his car - an old Zephyr - told a different story and said how it had needed new brakes for ages and its human had ignored its difficulties and it had been unable to stop in time. It said if it had had decent brakes it could easily have stopped in time. I assured it that it was not its fault and we were not responsible for broken humans and the police would examine it and find its faulty breaks.
Shortly after that the Cortina came screeching to a stop beside me and there had been a remarkable change. In fact it was looking so cheerful I couldn't believe it. It was like looking at a whole new car.
"Oh, Ambulance, I have such big news. On Saturday morning early the Guv and Sam took me out and parked me in front of a big store. Sam told the Guv they should go there 'cause they were having a big closing down sale, whatever that is. There was a crowd of humans waiting outside and as soon as they opened the doors the crowd all ran inside and my humans went with them. I waited a while and they came out with a big roll of some kind. I couldn't see what it was and it was all covered in some plastic stuff but when they brought it over to me it wouldn't fit in my boot, and Sam said he'd told the Guv it would never fit so they'd have to try and squeeze it in back but the Guv said sod that and rang headquarters and asked them to send the paddy wagon and Sam said it wasn't their job to transport carpet but the Guv said to shut it, Dorothy, because it was their job to do as the DCI said and that included hauling a shag pile rug to his house if he said so."
"Did you say shag pile?"
"Yes, shag pile, so I was hoping it was for me! Well they loaded the big roll into the paddy wagon and it followed me back to the Guv's house."
"So how do you and the paddy wagon get on?"
"Uh... well, it calls me 'Rusty' as it reckons as how I'm the colour of rust and rust is what I'll turn into but of course I tell it that I'm not the colour of rust at all 'cause I'm a lovely russet bronze and I won't be turning into rust 'cause I've had three anti-rust treatments and will be having more in the future."
"Of course."
"It tells me terrible tales of cars that ended up in the canal and it says how one day I'll get lost in thick, thick fog on a dark, dark night and drive straight into the very wet, very cold canal just like them and that will be the end of me and I'll rust away to nothing, but I wish it wouldn't say things like that 'cause I don't want to drive into the canal 'cause it's deep and dark and wet and all my parts would be ruined and..."
"So you two get along like cogs in a wheel, huh?"
"It doesn't like humans much."
"You don't say."
"Never has a good word to say about them and reckons they do terrible things to it and throw up in it and kick it and such. I'm so glad my humans don't treat me like that."
"Hates Cortinas too from the sound of it."
"The sound of what?"
"It's just trying to scare you. It's probably jealous."
"You think so? I think it really likes scaring me. It's bigger than me too. If I'm parked facing the canal and it pulls up behind me I'm scared that it will try and ram me into the canal."
"It's just jealous, you know, because your humans treat you very well and it's treated very badly."
"But what can I do?"
"Well you could tell it that it does a good job. I mean it's all very well you catching the toe-rags but it's needed to transport them so you're each very important in helping the police to do their jobs. The Pandas too."
"You mean I should tell it that I'm glad it transports the naughty toe-rag humans and not me as I wouldn't want them throwing up all over my nice cream leather upholstery and kicking me and besides I think the Guv would put an end to any human who did that 'cause then I'd be all wet and smelly and the Guv and Sam wouldn't want to drive me or rub gearsticks on my back seat."
"No, that's not what I meant, you silly git. What are you trying to do - make it more jealous?"
"Well what should I say then?"
"Ask it about some of the famous robbers and murderers it must have transported. Difficult as it sounds, try and not be an uppity prat."
"But I told you I'm not uppity. I've been lowered two inches to help me hold the road better - and I do too. The Guv says I corner better than anything he's ever driven. And I'm not a prat, whatever that is 'cause if it's a make of car I've never heard of it and anyway I'm a Cortina, not a Prat, and I'm very attractive and I'm smart too."
"You know what's wrong with you? It's your name. It should be changed to Ford Prat 'cause it suits you down to the ground."
"Are you being insulting?"
"On second thoughts you're better off ignoring it."
"Ignoring my name? But why should I ignore my name? And I'm a Ford Cortina, not a Ford Prat."
"The paddy wagon, you idiot."
"But why should I ignore the paddy wagon's name?"
"Just ignore it, not its name, you great dill."
"Do you mean the paddy wagon is a Ford Prat? But it's a Transit van, so if you're saying that the paddy wagon is really a Ford Prat, then when you call me a prat do you mean that I'm like the paddy wagon 'cause I'm not you know. I'm a Cortina and I'm far more attractive than an ugly old paddy wagon and the Guv would never allow anyone to throw up on my lovely upholstery and wood panelling, and I'm not a dill either, whatever that is, and you're being insulting again."
"No wonder it tries to scare you. So what happened with the carpet roll?"
"I'm not saying another word 'cause you're being insulting."
"Oh, here we go with the sulks again."
"I am not sulking."
"Oh, all right, all right. I take it back. You're not sulking."
"Very good. And am I still a dill?"
"No, you're not a dill."
"Or an idiot?"
"Or an idiot."
"Or a silly git?"
"Or a silly git."
"Good. And there's no such vehicle as a Ford Prat either, is there?"
"Come to think of it I don't think there is."
"See? You can't fool me. I'm a Cortina and I'm very smart."
"I should have known better than to try and fool a Cortina."
"Yes, you should. We're all very smart and we look great too. When I was in the showroom the salesman human said that I was the last word in style, comfort and looks and I go like a rocket too."
"Did he now?"
"Yes, he did. What's a rocket?"
"He didn't say anything about your brains did he?"
"No. But why would he ask about my brains? There's nothing wrong with my brains. All us Cortinas are smart."
"Why indeed. Humans think we're nothing but a collection of metal parts. So what about the big roll of carpet?"
"Well the Guv drove me home and parked me in the garage and when the paddy wagon pulled up in the street they got the big roll out of it and Sam thanked the plods and they carried it into the house. Then my humans came out to the garage again and started rummaging through all the boxes and stuff and Sam was saying 'Haven't you got anything for cutting carpet?' and complaining that there was nothing useful in the garage and the Guv said 'Well excuse me, Gladys, if I don't cut carpet every day of the week 'cause I just happen to be a bloody DCI' and then he said that there were plenty of useful tools in the garage and he got a big tool thing down from the wall and Sam said that he had to be joking and you couldn't cut carpet with a pair of dirty great garden shears 'cause they were far too big and clumsy and they were all rusted anyway and the Guv said they just needed a bit of cleaning and oiling but Sam said sharpening too and when had he last used them anyway and that would explain the overgrown state of the garden and they'd have to go out again and buy something. So off we went again to some shop or other with all sorts of stuff in the window and they came out not long after that carrying a package and then it was home again and they took the package into the house and after that Sam came back to the garage to get my old shag pile which was hanging on a washing line since the last time he tried to get the mould out of it and he took it into the house. Then the Guv came out and removed those terrible rubber mats and then he called out to Sam and said that my floor was damp under the mats and they'd have to let it dry. So I sat there for hours and waited and later in the evening my humans came out to the garage again and they were carrying it - my new shag pile! - and the Guv placed it on my bonnet and spread it out and said that they'd done good and the colour was a good match for me. Oh, it was just lovely! He ran his tool sets over it and said how soft it was and I could see it was all thick and soft and shiny-looking. Can you see the colour?"
"Yes, I can. Looks just like your old one."
"It's a little different. Sam says it's a slightly darker tan but instead of having apricot highlights like the old one it has a leaf pattern. Can you see it?"
"Yeah, they're an orange colour. Very pretty."
"Sam says they're apricot like the old one and the pattern is called 'Autumn Leaves'.
"That's nice that is. Very classy."
"And can you see what's around each leaf?"
"Is that...? Is that gold I see?"
"Yes! There's a gold border around each leaf."
"Oh, my, there is too."
"And I haven't even told you the best part - it's velvet shag pile!"
"Velvet... shag pile?"
"Yes! My humans were talking about it and they said it's so soft 'cause it's velvet shag pile. That's why it's so shiny too and it has a thick backing. The Guv says it's beautiful and Sam said that 'cause they had such a big roll of it there was enough to recarpet me for the next thirty years or more and the Guv said they'd better make it last 'cause it cost a fortune and for what they spent on it they could have recarpeted the whole house twice over."
Velvet shag pile. Velvet shag pile! The poncy git was bad enough before and never shut up about its old shag pile, but I mean velvet shag pile in tan with gold borders around apricot leaves? I knew I'd never hear the end of it. For as long as either one of us managed to avoid the big scrap heap I'd be hearing about its poncy velvet shag pile in tan with gold borders around apricot leaves. Why me?
"Tell me: What did you do to deserve velvet shag pile?"
"Well I'm a police Cortina and I'm very special 'cause I won the Police Car of the Year competition and I have my lovely little cream and gold first place award right there on my windscreen and the Guv is very proud of me and says that I'm a star and I've suffered for over a month now with those awful rubber mats ever since my old shag pile got ruined but I don't feel so bad about the loss of my old shag pile any more now that I have this lovely new velvet shag pile which goes so perfectly with my russet bronze colour that the Guv says you'd think it was made just for me and you know I think somehow it was 'cause it's so perfect - I mean the colours - and so thick and shiny and all the humans have been admiring it."
"You are just spoiled rotten."
"Yes, my humans take good care of me. Sam said he couldn't believe the crowd of people in the store and they'd nearly got trampled by a mob of mad bargain hunters, whatever they are, and they were lucky to find it and the Guv reckons my new shag pile is even softer than my old one. Isn't that nice? It even smells nice too, just like my old carpet when it was new. Anyway they fitted it nicely inside me. They did the front first, then the back and the Guv was still kneeling on my back seat and smoothing it down on the floor when Sam came around and leaned inside the rear door and said that that was a sight for sore eyes and of course I thought he meant my lovely, new, velvet shag pile and the Guv thought so too and said that I was back to looking my classy best and I was so pleased but then Sam grabbed the Guv with his tool sets and sort of ran them over him and said that that was what he called classy and the Guv said 'Get off me, you little poof' and Sam said that he had a really classy arse especially in tight jeans and the Guv said the garage door was open but Sam said all right then, they could sit down, nice and respectable like. So they sat on my back seat side by side and then Sam took his boots and socks off and the Guv asked him what he thought he was doing and Sam said what did he think he was doing and he ran his bare feet over my new, velvet shag pile and said that the Guv should feel that 'cause it feels wonderful and the Guv said that he was just a big fairy but Sam said 'Go on. Take them off' and the Guv kind of shook his head but he took his shoes and socks off anyway. He always does what Sam wants now. Didn't used to, mind, and they used to argue a whole lot more. He complained once that Sam was just leading him down the garden path and trying to get him to be a big fairy but Sam said it had nothing to do with Arthur Conan Doyle, whoever that is..."
"You never heard of Sherlock Holmes?"
"Uh, I think the Guv calls Sam 'Sherlock' now and then. Who is he anyway?"
"Only the greatest detective human who ever lived. One of my drivers had a book of stories all about him and he used to talk a lot about them."
"So who's this Arthur Conan Doyle human then?"
"The author, you great dill. Wrote all about Mr Holmes and his friend Dr Watson."
"Did he have a Cortina?"
"No, Arthur Conan Doyle did not have a Cortina."
"I mean this Sherlock Holmes human. Did he have a Cortina?"
"No, he did not."
"He should have had a Cortina. Bet he'd have enjoyed rubbing gearsticks on the back seat with his friend Dr Watson."
"For your information most human males do not shag other human males."
"Don't they?"
"No, they don't."
"Not even on the back seat of their favourite car?"
"No."
"But why not? I mean my humans enjoy it very much."
"It just so happens that most humans males happen to enjoy shagging human females."
"But why would they do that when they can rub gearsticks with other human males?"
"Trust me. It's the way humans are."
"So why do my humans like to rub gearsticks then?"
"That's 'cause your humans are great, big poofs."
"So most humans are not great, big poofs?"
"No."
"But some are?"
"Yes. Quite a few come to think of it."
"And there's nothing wrong with that is there?"
"Not at all. I mean you're lucky your humans are quite happy and they spoil you rotten."
"My humans are... you know... what you told me before about humans being fond of each other."
"Yes, they are. I would say your humans love each other very much."
"What's love?"
"It's... It's when humans are very fond of each other, like your humans."
"And rub gearsticks?"
"Uh, yes, I suppose so."
"So how do you know that Mr Holmes and his friend Dr Watson didn't love each other? They might have liked rubbing gearsticks."
"Dr Watson wrote about their adventures, not their sex lives."
"But I thought you said this Arthur Conan Doyle human wrote about Mr Holmes."
"Yes, he did."
"But you just said that Dr Watson wrote about Mr Holmes. So Mr Holmes had two humans who wrote about him?"
"The book that my human had was by Arthur Conan Doyle."
"So if Dr Watson wrote about him too then there must be books by Dr Watson too."
"Well perhaps there are."
"Maybe the books that Dr Watson wrote have them rubbing gearsticks on the back seat of a Cortina."
"Look here. This was a long, long time ago before cars were ever invented."
"So there were no Cortinas then?"
"None at all. No cars of any kind. Not even Cortinas."
"So what did humans travel around in then?"
'As far as I could tell Mr Holmes and his friend Dr Watson travelled in horse drawn vehicles and steam trains and they had all sorts of adventures together and Mr Holmes was very clever and solved the most mysterious of crimes."
"What's 'mysterious'?"
"Strange."
"My humans solve all sorts of crimes too and I'm far faster and far more comfortable than old horse drawn vehicles and my humans would never dream of travelling by train when they can travel in comfort in me, not to mention rub gearsticks on my back seat."
"Do you realize that all you talk about is carpet and shagging?"
"I do not. I talk about all sorts of things. And what was I talking about before?"
"Shagging."
"Uh, I don't think so."
"Well you were going to. You were saying that your humans had taken off their shoes and socks and were rubbing their bare feet on your shag pile."
"Oh, yes. The Guv was saying that he wasn't a big fairy and never would be but Sam said that he was just trying to show him some of the pleasures in life and it had nothing to do with being gay, so the Guv listens to him more now. So after the Guv took his shoes and socks off Sam spoke very softly and said "Close your eyes. Go on, close them. Now feel that. Mmmm... velvet shag pile... Run your feet over it. Isn't it nice? Feel that softness between your toes. Kind of tickles a bit doesn't it. Feels bloody marvellous. So soft... So thick..." Then he reached for the Guv's gearstick and rubbed at it through his clothing and said to imagine him sitting on his lap, both of them fully clothed while he used his lips to trail kisses down his cheek and nuzzled his neck and his ear, and their cocks - he means gearsticks - were all wonderful and swollen and rubbing up against each other through their clothing and it was glorious and hot and their tongues were in each other's throats - he means rubbing fuel intakes - and he loved it that way and all the other ways they did it and then the Guv reached for Sam's gearstick through his clothing and said that it was bloody brilliant and..."
"And they hit top gear together and you got drunk, so you were going to talk about shagging."
"I suppose I was and, yes, they did and I did. What a tune-up. And afterwards they sat there for a while and then the Guv said 'Well, Gladys, we'd better go and change' but Sam just said 'C'mere, you gorgeous beast' and pulled him close with his tool sets and they kind of slid down on the seat and rubbed fuel intakes and Sam asked the Guv if he was still mad at him for ruining my old shag pile but the Guv said hell no 'cause my new, velvet shag pile was even nicer than the old one and Sam said that it really looked fantastic in me, even better than he thought it would look when they bought it."
"No wonder you're looking so chipper."
"What's chipper? My humans solved the big case they were working on too. Yesterday they arrested all the humans they were after and Sam said 'cause they'd done the hard slog they had more than enough evidence to convict the lot of them so they're happy too. And they're looking after my lovely, new, velvet shag pile and all the other detectives who often ride in me have been admiring it too. When Ray saw it he said 'Oh, my lord, would you look at that' and Chris said 'That's right classy carpet that is' and Annie said that it was lovely and how she loved the gold borders around the leaves and they all ran their tool sets over it and said how soft and lux... luxy or something it was."
"Luxurious."
"What does lux... luxit... mean?"
"Luxurious."
"Lux..."
"...urious."
"Lux...ur...i...ous. That's a very big word. What does it mean?"
"It means far too good for the likes of a Cortina."
"Anyway the Guv warned them all that they'd better have clean shoes 'cause anybody who got dog shit, cat shit, horse shit or any other kind of shit on it would spend the next ten years on traffic duty."
"I feel sorry for any human who gets shit on your shag pile."
"He also said that there'd been cigarette burns and ash on the old shag pile and anyone responsible for putting cigarette burns and ash on the new shag pile would spend the next year cleaning out the cells and he also said that stiletto heels, whatever they are, are banned too 'cause they'd damage it and put holes in it but Annie said how she didn't wear stilettos and the Guv looked at Ray and Chris and said 'That goes for you two tarts as well."
"It's a wonder he didn't ban smoking in it."
"Sam wants to ban smoking in me and the Guv said he's considering it. Say, do you think the Queen would like to ride in me now that I have lovely, thick velvet shag pile in tan with gold borders around apricot leaves?"
"You're only a common Cortina, you know, not a bloody Rolls Royce."
"Do Rolls Royces have thick, velvet shag pile in tan with gold borders around apricot leaves?"
"Doubt it."
"Do they have superb suspension?"
"I reckon it'd have to be nice and soft like to carry Her Majesty around."
"Who's 'Her Majesty'?"
"The Queen."
"Well why do you call her 'Her Majesty'?"
"It's how you address her."
"So she's 'Her Majesty' and she's 'The Queen'."
"No, she's 'Her Majesty the Queen'."
"And does she have a human she's fond of?"
"She most certainly does - her husband."
"And do they shag on the back seat of their favourite Rolls Royce?"
"Well I've seen pictures of her and she's very prim and proper and poncy-looking so I very much doubt she'd go shagging on the back seat of cars. That piece of glitter she wears on her head might fall off."
"She just doesn't have the right car. And since a Rolls Royce doesn't have lovely, thick, velvet shag pile I think she ought to get herself a Cortina. Then she might enjoy shagging on the back seat like my humans do 'cause we have very comfortable back seats you know."
"I'll tell her that next time I see her."
"Would you? Oh, that would be nice. After all, you're an ambulance and you never know one day you might be called to one of those big palaces she lives in and you'll get to meet her. That's a funny noise you're making."
"You never know. So what do the other vehicles have to say about your new shag pile?"
"Well I think the Pandas are jealous 'cause they said that velvet shag pile would wear out faster, though how they'd know that I don't know 'cause none of them have shag pile, velvet or otherwise, but I told them that my humans bought such a big roll of it that there was enough to replace it when it wore out for the next thirty years or more and wasn't it great but they told me it wasn't great, it was just poofy, whatever that means, and to shut up about it."
"Bunch of tossers. Ignore 'em."
"Wish I could but they snigger a lot too. They noticed that I'd a hangover too 'cause I hadn't had one for a while so of course they sniggered and said 'You're drunk! Your queer humans have been shagging on your back seat again' and I said not that it was any of their business but, yes, they had, and my humans were not queer at all, they were quite normal and they looked after me and they were my heroes and I was happy for them to rub gearsticks on my back seat, my front seats, my bonnet, my boot or even my stylish vinyl roof if they wanted 'cause having a hangover was the best kind of tune-up."
"Oh, my worn spark plugs, you crack me up, you do."
"Are you getting cracks? You need to get new spark plugs. You're making a funny noise again too."
"Silly git."
"But you just said you're getting cracks and your spark plugs are worn. You should get new spark plugs and get your cracks fixed."
"And what did the unmarked cars have to say about your new shag pile?"
"When I went to tell one of them it said don't bother 'cause the Pandas had already told it all about my new velvet shag pile and how my humans had been rubbing gearsticks on my back seat again. Those gossiping Pandas. They're nothing but big blabbermouths. Why are you making that funny noise?"
"And what did the big, bad paddy wagon have to say about it?"
"Oh, it just said that my lovely, new velvet shag pile would be ruined like the rest of me when I drive into the canal on a dark, foggy night."
"Must get its kicks dreaming about your doom."
"If you ask me it's very mean. What's doom?"
"Your end."
"You mean my bumpers? Front or rear? There you go making that funny noise again."
"Small wonder it thinks about your doom. It has to put up with a silly, great, pampered ponce every day, doesn't it."
"What silly, great, pampered ponce? I don't know any silly, great, pampered ponces and I'm a Cortina and I'm very smart and I'm also a police car, so if there were any silly, great, pampered ponces around I'd know all about them. And why would it think about my bumpers? I think you're trying to fool me again and you should know better than to try and fool a Cortina 'cause we're all very smart and very attractive too and I'm even more attractive now with my lovely, new velvet shag pile in tan with apricot leaves with gold borders. You're still making that funny noise... Why are you making that funny noise? Are you making fun of me...?"
* * *
And that's where we'll leave the Cortina for now, happy with its lovely, new velvet shag pile, its humans satisfied that they've done a good job of recarpeting it (and satisfied for other reasons too), and its friend the Ambulance laughing at the silly, great, pampered ponce.
I had only meant to write one piece of this fic just to get me back in the habit of writing again but it turned into a 5 part series with a total word count of approximately 39,480, which is far, far more than I ever intended to write. So to anyone who's stuck with it the whole way through, thank you, and I hope you got a laugh or two out of it and who knows? I may come back to it again in the future. Never say never...
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