The Cortina Chronicles 4: How to Cure a Hangover

by Clonesgirl

---

For full warnings etc. see Part A.

Part B - The Best Laid Plans

Well I saw that gabby git of a Cortina again about a fortnight later and oh, what a tale of woe.  I thought it would never shut up.  The silly thing was in a right state.

"Oh, Ambulance, I'm so glad to see you.  I'm in awful trouble and I don't know what to do."

"All right, calm down.  What's the big problem?"

"Remember when you said how I should stall in order to get my humans to rev me to cure a hangover after they've been rubbing gearsticks?"

"Yeah.  What about it?"

"Well a week ago there was a shooting in a house in Banbury Lane."

"Never heard about that one."

"Guess no humans needed their parts repaired.  Anyway afterwards when everyone had left Sam was very upset and he said to the Guv how he, the Guv that is, could have been killed and the Guv said it would take more than a seventy year old drunk waving a gun about to kill him but Sam whispered that he wanted him and the next thing you know they race home and park me in the garage.  Sam, he wanted to go upstairs but the Guv said they didn't have time so they climbed onto my back seat and Sam said how he wanted him so much and the Guv said he was a horny little sod and they were rubbing fuel intakes and Sam told him he was a gorgeous beast and opened his clothes - the Guv's I mean - and said how it was lunchtime and he was ravenous - ravenous for the Guv's sweet tits that is - and started sucking with his fuel intake on those two little things that look like the buttons on my air ducts and saying he could never get enough of them and the Guv, he was moaning and whispering Sam's name and calling him his Sammy boy and then they got out their gearsticks and Sam wrapped one of his tool sets around them and..."

"All right, all right.  I get the picture."

"The problem is that I've noticed whenever they hit top gear together and squirt that funny-smelling lube stuff, well I seem to get twice as drunk."

"Oh, you do, do you."

"Feels like I've had one hell of a tune up and a grease and oil change and a new battery as well."

"I see what you mean."

"So I couldn't go back to work and have the Pandas see me like that or they'd be sniggering and carrying on about my humans rubbing gearsticks on my back seat."

"So?"

"So I did as you said and I stalled and the Guv revved me but I had more than the usual hangover as they'd only just been rubbing gearsticks and it hadn't had a chance to wear off yet."

"So?"

"So after I stalled the Guv muttered about what was wrong with the car now and Sam said it was probably nothing and he - I mean the Guv - started me up again and revved me three times, but it wasn't enough and I still felt... well..."

"You were still high weren't you?"

"You might say that, and I kept thinking of how the Pandas would snigger, and then there's the unmarked cars too.  Did I tell you about them?  They say things like 'You've got humans shagging on your back seat, and they're queers too, so you're no better than the rest of us in spite of your shag pile and your vinyl roof so can stop being uppity 'cause you're nothing more than a queer's car' and I tell them I'm not uppity 'cause I've been lowered by two inches to help me hold the road better and my humans are heroes and they're not odd at all, but then they say that I'm nothing more than a common-as-mud Cortina with shag pile for brains but I tell them I'm very smart and I'm also very special 'cause I won the Police Car of the Year competition and I have my little gold and cream certificate right there in my windscreen to prove it and I tell them that my humans take good care of me, but then they say 'You mean when they're not shagging each other blind on your back seat so you can come down off your high horse' which makes no sense at all.  I mean how can I be on a horse, let alone a high one?  I think they're just silly and jealous and, after all, I'm very smart and I look attractive too what with my vinyl roof and my lovely russet bronze colour and my cream leather upholstery and..."

"Never mind all that.  So did you stall again?"

"Yes, I did, only... uh, I did it a bit too well."

"What do you mean?  What did you do?"

"Well I adjusted the intake valve so that I stalled a second time."

"Good.  Then what?"

"Well the Guv was really upset and was complaining about the sodding car playing up so I turned the valve back again in a bit of a hurry and when he started me up again he really gave me a good revving.  Cleared the old carburettor something terrific."

"Told you it would didn't I."

"Yes, and you were quite right.  There's only one thing - when I turned the valve back to the open position I turned it a bit too far and now I'm getting too much fuel and I'm choking on it."

"I don't believe it.  Only a Cortina.  Now how did you manage that?"

"I don't know.  I think it was because I did it in a big hurry and well... you know..."

"Yes, I know, I know.  But why can't you readjust it to where it was before?"

"It seems to be stuck and I don't know what to do and I'm getting choked with too much fuel all the time.  What do I do?  How do I fix it?"

"You fix it same way you got it that way."

"I've tried and it won't work and the Guv and Sam noticed that I was coughing all the time and the Guv put me in the workshop and I was there all day but the mechanic humans couldn't seem to find what was wrong with me, but they never looked at my fuel line, they only looked at my carburettor, so I'm still coughing and choking and the Guv's angry and he says he's gonna put me in the workshop again and tear the bastard mechanics limb from limb if they don't find out what's wrong with me."

"Mechanic humans?  Most of 'em wouldn't know your brakes were faulty if you accidentally ran over 'em.  Mechanics are some of the dumbest humans I've ever met.  Half of 'em wouldn't know a boot from a bonnet and, let's face it, when they stuff up it's us has to put right their mistakes."

"We do?"

"Well of course we do.  Who else is gonna do it?  Right, then, let's try this.  I want you to try and turn the valve..."

"But I've told you I already tried that and it's stuck."

"Shut up and listen.  I want you to try and turn it very, very slowly.  Just a little bit at a time.  Don't try and do it all at once."

"Are you sure?"

"With you nothing is foolproof but give it a go."

"All right.  I'll try it."

"Remember, do it very, very slowly.  Just try to move it the tiniest little bit and see how you go."

So it was quiet for a while and I waited.

"Well I did what you said and I think... Well I think maybe it's moved a tiny bit."

"Try a bit more.  Remember, just a little movement, that's all."

"I'll try again."

Well I waited some more.

"It's moved."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, it's definitely moved."

"Very good.  Try a bit more.  Valves can be a bit stubborn sometimes.  Just take it easy and do it slowly."

At that point in the proceedings my driver and his assistant came along with an injured human so I was driven away.  However, I was fairly sure the silly Cortina would be able to fix its stuck valve problem.  Well at least I thought so, that is until I saw it again.

"Oh, Ambulance, I'm so glad to see you.  I did it again."

"What?  You gone and got your valve stuck again?"

"Yes.  I didn't mean to but, oh, dear...  What am I do to?  And the Guv's going to murder the mechanic humans for not fixing me again."

"'Again'?  What do you mean 'again'?"

"I mean he had me in the workshop again and again they didn't fix me.  Oh, dear."

"Just a minute.  Back up a bit."

"Back up where?  I'd be too close to the corner if I backed up and I'd need my humans to do that anyway."

"Look here.  When I last saw you you were fixing the problem.  Did you fix it?"

"Yes.  I was able to adjust the valve a little at a time.  It worked.  It was great."

"So... then?"

"So then everything was great and my humans were pleased that I wasn't coughing any more and the Guv said the problem must have fixed itself."

"Little do they know it's us has to fix our own problems 'cause mechanic humans are too stupid.  So anyway you were quite all right?"

"Yes, I was fine... until..."

"Oh, don't tell me.."

"This time it was Sam who was in danger and the Guv said he was going to break every bone in his body for nearly getting himself killed like that and he parked me in the garage and they had a big argument about it and the Guv was really angry and I haven't seen him that angry in a long time but Sam pointed out all the times the Guv's put his neck on the line and could have been killed and the Guv got out one of those little flask things and offered Sam a drink and then he had one himself and they finished it, I think, and they were calmer then, well a bit, but then Sam said how he had no intention of getting killed and he would never willingly leave him and the Guv told him to get on my back seat, which he did, and the Guv climbed over too and Sam was kind of quiet like and the Guv opened Sam's trousers and got out his gearstick and held it with his tool set and he said that Sam was a bloody pain in the arse and a right little prick and he said...  He said 'You're mine, Sammy boy, but you disobeyed orders, again, and tonight I'm gonna teach you a lesson in obedience you'll never forget.  For now, this will have to do', and he took Sam's gearstick and put it in his fuel intake and just after that Sam hit top gear and..."

"Yes, I know, and then the Guv hit top gear."

"Uh, no.  Just Sam."

"But how can you tell?"

"Feels different when it's only one of them."

"And you can tell which is which?"

"Not at first.  I used to get them confused but now I always know." 

"You do?"

"Oh, yes.  It's easy to tell and they're quite different.  I watch my humans and I learn about them."

"I see.  So it was only one of them."

"Yes, but... well, you know..."

"I know - you didn't want the sniggering Pandas and unmarked cars to know what your humans had been up to on your back seat so you stalled so you'd get a good revving."

"I had no intention of stalling a second time, just once and I thought that would do it, but when I stalled I had to quickly readjust the valve so that I'd start again when the Guv revved me and, oh, dear, it happened again."

"You are such a dill.  Did you do what I told you last time?"

"Yes, only now I can't seem to budge it at all, not even a tiny bit and the Guv was very angry that I'd stalled again and put me in the workshop again and he was even madder when he got me back again only to find that I still had the same problem.  I mean I was still coughing.  Then Sam said yesterday that the mechanic humans are threatening to go on strike, whatever that is, because the Guv was threatening them and saying they were a bastard bunch of lazy tossers who wouldn't know one end of a car from the other and he'd tear them all limb from limb and castrate them, whatever that means, and oh, dear, this is terrible and I don't want to be responsible for the mechanic humans going on strike, whatever that is, or having their limbs torn off.  I mean they do their best but they just don't seem to understand my problem and what am I going to do?  This is awful and it's all my fault and I should have followed your advice and told the gossiping Pandas they were all going to the big scrap heap, and the same with the unmarked cars too, but now I don't know what to do."

"You have got yourself in a pickle haven't you.  Well I blame myself.  I mean it was me that told you how to cure a hangover.  So are they going to put you in the workshop again?"

"I think so but my humans are arguing over that too.  Sam persuaded the Guv to let him take me to the workshop this time and he says he'll talk to the mechanic humans and see if they can't find what's wrong with me but the Guv says the lazy sods need to be threatened within an inch of their miserable lives before they'll do anything about my coughing fits."

It was at that point in our discussion that the Guv and Sam came running up to the Cortina, jumped in and started it up and I heard it coughing and spluttering again.  Maybe it's not really its fault.  I mean if it has a sticky valve there's not much you can do except replace it.  On the other hand it is a Cortina and they're all brain dead tossers anyway.

About a fortnight later I saw the Cortina again and it was still coughing and spluttering.  So I asked if it had been in the workshop again.

"Oh, Ambulance, it was awful.  Sam took me back to the workshop but the moment the mechanic humans saw me they downed tools and went on strike.  I think I know what that means now.  Does it mean to stop work?"

"So you think you know what it means to go on strike now, do you.  So, just 'cause you have a few hangovers caused by your poofy humans getting horny on your back seat, and 'cause you're not game to tell all the other tossers where to go, you, the pampered, flashy Cortina, end up with a stuck intake valve and all on your own manage to cause a strike.  Unbelievable.  Who would've thought, eh?  Only a Cortina.  Now, none of the other vehicles will get repaired either."

"Well Sam tried to talk to them but they said they'd checked me and couldn't find anything wrong and they weren't going to be threatened any more and Sam said he wasn't going to threaten them but they had to fix whatever was wrong with me and they said no way and they'd checked everything and the older mechanic human told Sam that as far as he was concerned he could take the orange nightmare and shove it up his arse and he said I was black banned and Sam said they were being unreasonable and it was probably a simple problem but then one of the others said that he should take me on a long drive, preferably straight into a deep lake.  I don't know what a nightmare is but I know what a lake is after seeing one in Wales and I think they want to drown me.  What can I do?"

"Oh, so you think they want to drown you, do you.  And they've black banned you, have they.  Well I can't imagine why.  You really are a sorry excuse for a car, aren't you.  Have your humans said anything more about what they intend to do about you?"

"Sam told the Guv that he wanted to take me for a good, long drive on the weekend.  He seems to think maybe that will cure me but the Guv wants to put me in some other workshop even if he has to pay for it himself.  You don't suppose Sam wants to drive me into a lake do you?  This is terrible."

"Now look here.  You, my orange friend, are a police car, so start acting like one.  First off, a good, long drive might just cure you.  On a long drive your motor gets nice and hot and things expand a little.  Might just be enough to unstick your sticky valve."

"You think so?  And I'm not orange, I'm russet bronze."

"I know so from long experience - and never mind your poncy colour."

"But I do mind my russet bronze colour and it's not poncy, whatever that is, it's very attractive.  In fact I've been told I'm the shade of autumn leaves.  Last week I was parked around the back of some shops and some humans were taking a very large mirror into the shop and they put it down for a minute - I think it must have been very heavy for them - and I could see myself in it.  Couldn't get over how lovely my colour was and how it just glowed in the sunlight.  I wonder if I'll need any more anti-rust treatments to preserve my superb outer skin.  Awful, nasty, smelly stuff but I don't mind as long as I look youthful and not like an old rust bucket."

"You know what your trouble is?  You're spoilt rotten and you're in love with your own parts."

"What's spoilt rotten?"

"You are, you brain dead prat.  Your humans pay more attention to you than the family dog."

"That makes no sense 'cause my humans don't have a dog, so how would you know how much attention they paid to it?  And how can I be in love with my parts, whatever in love means.  You're not talking sense and you're being insulting and I'm not a prat, whatever that is, but I'm glad my humans don't have a dog 'cause dogs make a mess when they raise their leg on my excellent and very attractive wheels and leave them all wet and smelly, and I'm not brain dead either, I'm very smart."

"Never, never have I met a car which gabbed about its parts as much as you.  And now, of all things, you and your stuck valve have gone and caused a strike.  Unbelievable."

"But...  But I didn't mean to cause a strike and I'm very sorry about the stuck valve.  I didn't mean to get it stuck like that and now the other cars blame me 'cause they need repairs and the mechanic humans are on strike and won't repair them and the Guv says there's a picket line outside the workshop and already four of the cars have broken down and I'm scared Sam's going to drive me into a lake and leave me there to drown and..."

"A picket line?  I bet they're holding up signs saying 'Down with Cortinas' and 'No more Cortinas'."

"Sam said they want danger money on account of the Guv threatening them before they'll repair any of the other cars and they won't repair me anyway 'cause I'm black banned."

"You really are a little troublemaker, aren't you?  Well what are you going to do about all this trouble you've caused?"

"Well if Sam decides to take me on a long drive and drown me that will be the end of me, but I don't want to be drowned and it would ruin my nice bronze skin which would rust away in the water and my lovely cream leather upholstery would be ruined too not to mention my beautiful shag pile and all my parts would rust away and..."

"You do carry on.  Sam's not going to drown you, you silly sod."

"But how do you know?  He said he wants to take me for a long drive and that's what the mechanic human said and..."

"Yes, to try and fix your problem.  He doesn't even know what's wrong with you but he's trying to help.  So have a little faith in your humans.  They're very good to you, you know.  You're the most spoilt rotten car I've ever met.  So if Sam takes you for a good, long drive you should be able to unstick your sticky valve, but there's one thing: You have to stop stalling."

"But you said it was a good idea."

"Yes, it was - for a normal car.  A normal car wouldn't have a sticky intake valve and if it did it'd know what to do about it.  You, on the other hand, are a jumped-up git with vinyl for brains and look what happens."

"It's not my fault the mechanic humans don't know what's wrong with me and I'm not jumped-up, I've been lowered."

"Mechanic humans are dumb - too dumb to know you have poofs shagging on your back seat.  Probably just as well."

"And it's not my fault I get... you know..."

"I know, but no more stalling.  Got it?"

"Yes.  You're quite right.  No more stalling."

"No matter how many times your humans shag on your back seat.  So what if you've a hangover.  You feel great don't you?"

"Uh, well yes."

"Right then, you can deal with the other tossers."

"You think so?"

"Of course you can.  They're just jealous, you said so yourself."

"You're right.  I'll tell them I'm a Cortina and I'm very smart, I'm attractive too and my humans are great, big poof heroes."

"You do that."

"And I'll tell them they're all a bunch of tossers who are headed for the big scrap heap.  I'm so glad we met today.  I feel so much better now."

So next time I saw the gabby car I expected the whole sorry mess to have been sorted out, but apparently not quite so.

"How are you, ducky?"

"Never better.  My sticky valve is unstuck."

"Well that's great news.  So how did you manage it?"

"You remember Sam said he was going to take me for a long drive.  Well he did.  The Guv came along too and of course they had an argument about who should drive me but this time Sam won on account of, as he said, it was his idea to take me for a drive, and if that didn't fix me he'd go along with the Guv's idea of putting me in another workshop.  Anyway that Sunday I had a lovely long drive and we went to the coast and I saw the ocean.  It was a lovely, sunny day and the Guv and Sam were happy too and Sam was singing along with the radio and they parked me on a beach and I sat there and watched the sun reflecting off the waves and my humans stuffed fish and chips into their fuel intakes.  It was lovely.  Then when we were coming home, when Sam started me up I discovered that my sticky valve was unstuck, and I hadn't even realized it.  It must have unstuck itself on the trip there.  It was just like you said.  It must have happened when my engine got all nice and hot.  Isn't that great?  I never coughed at all so my valve is back in the right position again and I'm ever so glad and my humans noticed that I wasn't coughing any more and they were pleased too and Sam said the long drive must have done it and he was right."

"Well that's great, ducky.  And how goes the strike?  I trust it's all over?"

"Uhhh..."

"Oh, no.  Don't tell me the mechanic humans are still on strike."

"Well Sam went to a meeting with the mechanic human union members.  He parked me right outside the building and the window was open so I heard a lot of it.  Well the union rep human who did most of the talking said that they were ready to return to work but under no circumstances would they work on me and I was black banned.  Sam said that this was unreasonable as I was a police car, I was a valuable asset to the force and was needed every day especially for high speed pursuits.  I was also very reliable.  They still said they wanted nothing more to do with me and as far as they were concerned Sam could drive me straight into the canal.  Sam said this was not acceptable as I was part of CID and would continue to be.  Then the mechanic human union members asked Sam to leave the room and they talked among themselves and I heard what they said.  Some wanted to return to work straight away and not repair me at all, others wanted to return to work but ask for danger money to repair me and someone suggested that they sabo me or something - I think it meant something nasty - in order to get back at the Guv."

"'Sabo'?  Sabotage?"

"Sabotage.  Yes, I think that was it.  What does it mean?"

"It means doing something very nasty to you to make you break down."

"Oh, no.  That's what I was afraid of."

"So what happened?"

"Well they agreed that they'd get danger money for working on me and if this ever happened again they'd sabotage me and one said like just putting sugar in my petrol tank or something but another said they'd blow me up if necessary.  Is that like blowing up a tyre?"

"No, it isn't.  It means like putting a bomb in you so that when it goes off you get blown into a million tiny pieces and there's no more orange Cortina."

"But... but humans wouldn't really do that to a car, would they?  And surely not to a very attractive car with lovely cream leather upholstery and shag pile carpet.  They would really blow it into a million pieces, would they?  And I'm not orange, I'm russet bronze."

"I'm afraid so.  And you're plain old orange."

"I am not orange.  Sam says I'm russet bronze which is far more attractive than plain old orange and I glow beautifully in the sun.  Sam says I look like I have a suntan, whatever that is, even on dull days.  What's a million?"

"More numbers than you could ever count.  So what happened then?"

"Well another one said that they shouldn't blow me up 'cause they could go on getting danger money for working on me therefore I was worth my weight in gold, and the others agreed.  So then they called Sam back into the room and told him that they'd agreed to repair me and continue to service me but they would charge CID extra for it.  So Sam asked why they should charge extra just for me instead of the flat rate they charged for all the other cars but they said they would not be threatened and in to me or something."

"I think you mean intimidated."

"What does that mean?"

"It means being scared into doing something you don't want to do."

"So Sam said that from now on he would be the one to deal with them, not the Guv, so there was no reason to charge extra just to work on me and if that was satisfactory there was no reason why they should not return to work as by now six of the other cars needed repairs and CID was becoming seriously short of vehicles and they needed them to carry out their duties and it was not acceptable that detectives were having to drive their own personal vehicles during the course of their work."

"So the mechanic humans said this was all right and they would deal with Sam and they agreed to return to work straight away and for Sam to drop me in any time and they'd see what was the matter with me but Sam told them that I was all right now and didn't need fixing.  That was when they accused him of getting me fixed in another workshop and he said he hadn't and whatever my problem was had righted itself but they didn't believe him and accused him of strike breaking."

"Strike breaking?"

"Yes.  They said he must have had me repaired by scabs, whatever they are, and that I was unfit to drive on account of I was worked on by scab labour, even though I wasn't, and therefore the work could not be guaranteed, and they wouldn't touch me with a barge pole, whatever that is.  Then they threw Sam out and called him a typical bastard copper and they've gone back to picketing the workshop."

"Well that's a nice howdoyoudo isn't it.  Just look what you and your sticky valve have done."

"What's a scab?"

"A human who's not a union member."

"What's a union?"

"Some humans who try and get better pay and conditions for other humans."

"But why are they doing this?  Why won't they believe Sam when he told them the truth?  I fixed my problem and didn't even realize it."

"Because they don't trust coppers."

"But why wouldn't they trust the police?  The police are good people and the Guv and Sam are my heroes."

"Some people just hate the police.  Now be quiet and let me think."

So we sat there, the Cortina feeling miserable.  I could see it really was sorry for all the trouble it had caused, and I really blamed myself too though I had been trying to help at the time.  Unfortunately, there was only one solution that I could see.

"Oi, ducky!  As I see it, you started this so you're the only one who can fix it."

"But how?  How do I fix it?"

"Your valve - you're going to have to stick it in the wide open position again."

"But it's working perfectly now."

"You and your sticky valve have caused no end of trouble not only for your own humans but a whole lot of other humans too, not to mention your fellow vehicles who all need repairing and won't be because of you.  Then you go and unstick your sticky valve all by yourself and cause even more trouble.  So, you are now going to stick your unstuck valve again and fast."

"But why?  It's working perfectly.  Why do I have to stick it again?"

"Because that way when your humans hear you coughing again they'll take you to the workshop where the union members are picketing, show them how you cough - and you'd better cough good and loud - and that way they can prove that you never were repaired by scab labour.  Then the union workshop members will agree that you couldn't have been repaired after all so no scab labour was involved and they'll all go back to work, they'll be able to feed their human families and all your fellow vehicles will be repaired."

"But what if I can't fix my sticky valve?  I mean it took a long drive to fix it last time."

"You don't fix it.  You let the mechanic humans fix it."

"But they couldn't fix it last time or any of the other times I was in the workshop."

"Well they have to learn sometime.  Trust me.  Sooner or later, dumb humans though they are, they'll figure out what's wrong with you and replace your valve.  So see if you can stick it wide open."

"But...  But my humans will be upset with me.  They'll think I've let them down again and I don't want to let them down."

"Can't be helped and you'll soon be fixed.  Trust me.  It's the only way to put this situation right."

So we sat there and I waited while it tried to stick its unstuck valve.

"It's not working."

"You're not trying."

"I am too."

"Well try harder."

I waited a bit longer.

"It's still not working."

"Wait a minute.  You said this only happened when you were drunk and in a hurry to open it so the Guv could rev you."

"Uh... so?"

"So you might need the same conditions in order to do it again, so you might have to wait until your humans shag on your back seat again."

"Oh, dear."

"You and your hangovers.  I must have been out of my mind to tell a Cortina to stall.  Took me half the bleedin' night trying to explain to you how to cure a hangover and look what happens when you try it.  How often do your humans shag on your back seat anyway?"

"Uhhh... depends."

"Depends on what?  On how often they get horny?"

"I don't think it has anything to do with my horn.  I mean the Guv often toots my horn but Sam hardly ever, so I don't think being horny has anything to do with them rubbing gearsticks on my back seat."

"What am I going to do with you?  No, don't answer that.  Try again.  How often do they shag on your back seat?"

"It... uh... depends."

"On what?"

"On how mad they get at each other.  When they have a really big fight on the job, well that's when they sometimes race home, park me in the garage, fight some more and then the Guv grabs Sam and rubs his fuel intake against Sam's and then the next thing you know they're on my back seat rubbing gearsticks and sometimes still arguing too but then they hit top gear together and they get all quiet like and I get drunk and then like as not the Guv says something about what the hell are they doing on my uncomfortable back seat anyway and Sam says he's damned if he knows but they always seem to end up on it, and they do too."

"Bloody sex mad humans.  So nothing is going to get repaired until they have another fight, have a shag on your back seat and you get drunk."

"I suppose you're right."

"Of course I'm right, you div."

So we sat there in silence for a while.

"I think I have an idea."

"I think the road just opened up and swallowed me.  You, the clueless Cortina, have an idea?  That'll be the day."

"But I think I really do have an idea."

"Oh, do tell, genius.  I can't wait to hear it."

"Remember how you got me to unstick my sticky valve a little bit at a time?  Well I was thinking that maybe I could get it stuck again the same way."

"I take it all back.  You, my orange friend, might not be brain dead after all.  Well not quite anyway."

"I'm glad you approve of my idea 'cause I'm not brain dead you know, I'm very smart, and I'm not orange either you know, I'm a lovely russet bronze."

"Oh, all right, all right.  You're not brain dead and you're russet bronze."

"I'm glad we agree."

"Well go on then.  Give it a whirl."

"Give what a whirl?"

"Start opening your stupid valve."

So we sat there once more.  Five quiet minutes passed, the longest time I'd ever spent in the gabby git's company while it remained silent.

"It's working."

"It is?"

"Yes, just a little at a time...  Yes, a little more...  A little more..."

"It's really working?"

"It is!  I can do it!"

I stayed quiet again allowing it to get on with sticking it's unstuck valve.  More minutes passed.

"Hey, ducky, how're you doing there?"

"It's done!"

"You're kidding!  You really did it?"

"Yes, I did it!  It's wide open again but I just realized that I don't know if it will stay that way."

"Never mind that.  If it unsticks again before Sam takes you back to the workshop, then you can just stick it again like you did just now."

"You're right!  I can."

"Now you remember what I said.  Your humans will hear you coughing again.  Sam will put you in the workshop, the mechanic humans will realize that you weren't repaired anywhere else after all and Sam was telling the truth.  You let the mechanic humans mess about with your parts - sooner or later they'll find your sticky valve - and then all will be right.  Got it?"

"Yes, I've got it.  I have to let the mechanic humans mess about with my engine until they find the sticky valve.  But what if I'm in for more than a day and they still don't find it?  Can I fix it myself?"

"No.  You let them fix it even if it takes a week."

"But I don't want to be off the road for a week.  The Guv and Sam need me to catch the naughty toe-rag humans."

"It won't take that long.  They'll find your sticky valve, replace it and that will be that.  You'll be back on the road catching the toe-rags in no time."

"Are you quite sure about this?  You said before about how dumb mechanic humans were."

"Uh, yeah, I did, didn't I.  All right.  Give them forty-eight hours.  If they haven't found what's wrong with you in that time they probably never will."

"How long is forty-eight hours?"

"Don't you know how long forty-eight hours are?"

"Uh... my clock only has twelve hours on it.  Is forty-eight hours one day?"

"Two days and two nights, you big dill."

"So, if at the end of two days and two nights they haven't fixed me, I can fix it myself?"

"Might as well.  If they haven't figured it out by that time they'll be scratching their dumb heads so if you're suddenly cured of what ails you believe me they'll be very grateful and glad to be rid of you and your unknown problem."

"But my problem is not unknown.  I know exactly what it is."

"Yes, you know, you great pillock, but they don't.  So to them the problem is unknown - unless of course they manage to somehow figure it out.  You never know."

"Never know what?"

Well at that point the Guv and Sam arrived.  When the Guv started up the Cortina it gave a most satisfactory cough and splutter.  Well you should have heard its humans.

"Bloody hell, not again!  I thought the sodding thing was fixed.  What you done to it?"

"Me?  Why would I do anything to it?  Anyway I haven't driven it for the last four days 'cause you've been monopolizing it as usual.  So what've you done to it?"

"Me?  I would remind you, DI Tyler, that this motor happens to be my personal as well as work vehicle, so don't you bloody dare accuse me of harming it."

"It's a wonder the thing's still in one piece the way you drive it and you're always speeding too."

"Oh, shut up, Dorothy."

Well the Sam human said he'd leave it into the workshop in the morning.  As it pulled away, still coughing a little, I told the Cortina it was doing great.

So the next time I ran into the gabby thing was some three weeks later and it told me what happened when Sam took it back to the workshop.

"Well they were holding up signs when we got there and there were other people there too.  Looked like they were feeding the humans on strike.  As soon as Sam pulled up near them they all came over and started marching around me saying 'We demand our rights' and 'No scab labour' and Sam said there was no scab labour involved and I was coughing and spluttering again and could they please repair me as I was needed.  So he started me up again and I remembered what you said and I coughed a lot.  Well the mechanic humans said that I sounded sick all right and Sam said that this proved that I'd never been repaired by scab labour.  So they moved away from me and they all talked among themselves and one said that Sam seemed like an honest copper but others said there was no such thing and another one said how they'd been out long enough and the missus was giving him hell and he had no money to pay the rent and some of the others agreed.  So in the end they decided to go back to work the following day.  So Sam dropped me in to the workshop the following morning and the older mechanic and another one went to work on me."

"So did they manage to find your sticky valve?"

"Uh, no."

"Useless bloody mechanic humans.  Wouldn't know the difference between a Michelin and a Goodyear."

"I like Goodyear."

"You would."

"The Guv always makes sure I have the best tyres.  No retreads for me."

"So what happened?"

"Well I waited two days and two nights like you said but they still didn't find my valve, not that it matters since I'm very smart and I know how to fix it myself, so that night after they'd all gone home I fixed it all on my own, a little bit at a time just like I did before.  The next morning Sam stopped by to see how the repairs on all the cars were going but none of the mechanic humans paid any heed to him 'cause they were all busy and I was just sitting there so he got in me and started me up and of course I didn't cough or splutter and I started just fine and he was really pleased and I was really pleased that he'd be able to take me back to work.  So he got out and went and told the older mechanic human that I sounded great and thanked him for fixing me but he said he hadn't and he asked all the other mechanic humans if they'd fixed me and they said no, they hadn't.  So he asked Sam what he'd done to me but Sam said he'd done nothing, just started me, that's all, but they didn't believe him and they accused him of secretly bringing in scab labour during the night to try and cheat them out of work, otherwise how could I suddenly be working again when they'd worked on me for two days and couldn't find what was wrong with me but Sam said no, no, he didn't but they didn't believe him and said he was a bastard, lying copper trying to do them out of their jobs and I was black banned again, no one was allowed to touch me and I was not allowed to leave the premises."

"Oh, no.  Not again."

"Well Sam decided to get me out of there and I was lucky to escape.  The older mechanic human ordered the others to shut the gates but Sam ran back to me and started me up and the older mechanic human was shouting not to let me get away but Sam put his foot down and I tore out of there just as they were shutting the gates to try and keep me in.  I was very lucky not to get scraped on the gates.  Then Sam got a call on the radio to say that there was a blag on and we went straight there but by the time we got there it was all over and the naughty toe-rag humans had already gone but the Guv - he was already there - and Sam got descriptions of them and the plods were knocking on doors and the Guv was angry that I hadn't been there to catch the toe-rags.  Anyway Sam told the Guv what had happened at the workshop and the Guv was even more angry and said that he thought Sam said he could deal with them and Sam said he'd never dealt with more militant, unreasonable people in his life.  So the Guv said to leave it to him and he'd sort out the commie bastards, whatever they are, but then the Guv got a call on the radio and the Phyllis human told him that there was a big crowd at headquarters and the mechanics and other unions were picketing the building and the plods were trying to control the crowd and it could get ugly if I came back.  Well the Guv was even more angry and told Sam that he'd bang up the lot of them for obstruction and interfering with the police when they were trying to carry out their lawful duties or something but Sam urged him to go softly softly and negotiate with them or the whole situation would only get worse.  Then he said that if only I wasn't working properly then they could show the stubborn mechanics that no scab labour was involved.  Well we headed back to the station and the moment the Guv pulled up they all surrounded me and it was as the Phyllis human had said and there was a big crowd of people and the press were there too and there were other union humans there too including mechanic humans from all over the city who said that I was banned from every workshop in the city and they'd see to it that no mechanic in the country would touch me and there were electrical and plumbing union humans there too and I don't know who else and they were all saying that the police were cheats who secretly employed scab labour and were trying to do them out of an honest day's work and they all started marching around and around me holding up signs and the press were trying to get to the Guv and there were those big cameras there too..."

"What?  You mean TV cameras?"

"Yes, I think so and the picketers were saying that the police had twice employed scab labour to work on me and the press wanted to know if this was true and the Guv said no, it was not true at all and the police always employed the same mechanics to work on the police vehicles, no one else, but the mechanic humans said this was a lie and they were taking indefinite strike action until the situation was remied or something."

"'Remedied'."

"What does that mean?"

"Fixed."

"Oh.  Well then the other union humans there spoke up and said they were going out too to support their brother mechanics and the police were cheating, scumbag bastards and more and more people kept arriving and a human - I think he was one of the mechanics - jumped onto my bonnet and wrote something on my windscreen in big black letters and I thought the Guv would do something terrible to him."

"Oh, my missing spark plugs, what have you and your sticky valve done?  I blame myself."

"Then the Guv spoke up and said the mechanics were a bunch of incompetent pricks who wouldn't know a spanner from a bloody screwdriver and that I'd been in the workshop four sodding times so far, the fourth time for the last for two days, and they still couldn't find out what ailed me, and they couldn't afford to be without me 'cause I was the fastest car in the division and 'cause I'd been in the workshop yet again this very morning they'd arrived at a blag in Ditchburn Lane too late to catch the blaggers, so the press turned to the older mechanic human and asked him if this was true but he said that I'd been fixed by scab labour and the press wanted to know why it had been necessary to use scab labour but the Guv said no scab labour had ever been employed but that I was now working all right and his DI had assumed that the mechanics had fixed it with their usual efficiency but they'd denied it.  Then the press asked if this was true that the mechanics had failed to repair me and the older mechanic human said that they'd needed more time to examine me, so the press asked what was wrong with me and the Guv said that I coughed and spluttered a lot when he started me and they asked if he could demonstrate it but he said no, 'cause I was fixed now but they insisted that he show that I really was fixed now just in case I wasn't after all so he started me up and I coughed and spluttered loudly and he said he must have been mistaken because it was obvious to everyone there that I hadn't been fixed at all by scab labour or anyone else."

"You worked your valve open again?"

"I did.  I wanted to help my humans."

"I'm amazed.  You know that was a very clever thing you did.  I may have to take back everything I've ever said about you being brain dead."

"I told you I'm very smart.  Anyway then a TV interviewer spoke up and said he'd had the same problem with his Cortina a few months earlier and it was only a stuck intake valve and they just replaced it with a new one and his car had been fine ever since and he asked the mechanics if they'd checked my intake valve but the older mechanic human said no but they'd checked my carburettor and distributor and everything else.  Well I could see the Cortina that belonged to the press human and I looked at it and it looked back at me and asked if I had humans shagging on my back seat and I said yes, and it said you need a good revving to cure it and I said yes, that was the problem and it said it understood completely as it had regularly had the same problem but it had learned how to control its intake valve and it had noticed that I had too.  Nice car and very smart too.  Knows all about rubbing gearsticks.  See how smart Cortinas are?  And we're very attractive too."

"Yes, you're all just brilliant and I can't believe you met another one that knows about rubbing gearsticks.  Place is full of poofs with Cortinas.  So what happened then?"

"Well the mechanic humans had a talk among themselves and afterwards they said that the strike was over, they would remove my black ban and Sam could take me back to the workshop and as long as Sam dealt with them they would not demand extra to work on me.  Then they packed up their pickets and went away and the TV and press people left too.  The Guv said the mechanic humans were an ignorant, lazy bunch of commie shitheads who didn't know which side their bread was buttered on but having Sam deal with them would save him the trouble."

"So everything is all sorted out now."

"Yes.  Isn't it great?  And then yesterday my humans had another fight while they were on a stakeout and I was parked under an old warehouse because Sam insisted nothing was going to happen that night and then they were arguing over the suspects and this went on for a while until the Guv told him to shut up and pressed his fuel intake to Sam's and they climbed onto my back seat and got out their gearsticks and..."

"Yes, I know, I know, and you got drunk.  Well I hope you didn't touch your bloody valve."

"Oh, no, not after all the trouble I'd caused and the Pandas and the unmarked cars still blame me for being out of action for so long, though of course they're back at work now."

"So you got drunk."

"Yes.  Was still a bit hung over the next morning when the Guv drove me to work and the gossiping Pandas all said that I was drunk 'cause my humans had been shagging on my back seat again and the unmarked cars all sniggered and said that I was no more than a glorified shag wagon for queers, whatever that is, but I told them all that I'd heard two of the detectives talking and that many of them were going to be traded in for faster vehicles that didn't break down all the time and others would probably go to the scrap heap."

"You really did it!"

"I did."

"So what happened?"

"So they all started fighting among themselves and Panda number three was blaming Panda number one for breaking down so much and it said it wasn't its fault and that Panda number two broke down just as much and then Pandas four and five chimed in as well and they were all arguing over which of them had had more breakdowns.  Then the Triumph and the Rover started blaming the Allegros for breaking down all the time and reckoned they - the Allegros - were all heading for the big scrap heap."

"That's funny that is.  You really did it, you big, flashy ponce."

"I did, and I'm not a ponce, whatever that is.  Then I told them all to shut up 'cause they were all a bunch of jealous tossers 'cause the Guv and Sam take good care of me but they said all the Guv and Sam did was get drunk down the pub, go tearing through the streets of Manchester and shag on my back seat whenever they felt like it but I said they were wrong and the Guv and Sam were great, big poof heroes who help little old lady humans when they've been robbed and arrest the naughty toe-rag humans and if they wanted to rub gearsticks on my back seat then that was all right with me."

"You really said that?"

"I did.  I also told them that the more my humans did it - rub gearsticks I mean - the merrier 'cause it was like having a super tune-up, a complete grease and oil change and a new battery without ever having to go near a workshop and those awful mechanic humans."

"You really told them off didn't you?"

"I did.  I followed your good advice.  You should have seen them.  They sat there and were very quiet and some of them turned a sickly shade of green."

"You really are a copper's car after all even if you are a big, poncy git."

"Yes, I am a police car and I like my job and my humans are great, big poof heroes and they take care of me and I'm not a poncy git, whatever that is, though I do have very nice wood panelling - I mean besides my vinyl roof, cream leather upholstery, which is also very well padded I should say, and of course my lovely, thick, soft, tan shag pile with apricot highlights."

"All right, you're not a poncy git and you've made me very proud.  I didn't think you'd do it but you really told the others where you stand.  Good for you."

"I was only following your advice 'cause you're very wise and you're my friend."

Just then my drivers came along with another injured human - looked like he had bullets in him from the way he was bleeding - and as I was driven away the Cortina said that it wished I had humans rubbing gearsticks in back of me instead of injured humans 'cause it was much more fun.

What a silly prat.  What a big ponce.  And it's quite mistaken about its colour - it's plain old orange, you know, not russet bronze.

*  *  *