The Cortina Chronicles 4:
How to Cure a Hangover
by Clonesgirl
Part A - The Best Advice
So here's part 4. More adventures of the clueless car. Not to be taken seriously under any circumstances. The Cortina gets some good advice but it doesn't quite work out the way it was supposed to.
The technical stuff:
RATING: PG Green Cortina
PAIRING: Gene/Sam
WORD COUNT: Part A: 4,800. Part B: 9,300. Total: 14,100
WARNINGS: Slash - now you all know what that is. And running off at the mouth (long sentences).
SPOILERS: None
ARCHIVE: The Motley Collection
DISCLAIMER: Characters borrowed strictly for fun, not profit. No offence intended.
BETAING: Not betaed. Apologies. If you spot any goofs please let me know.
FEEDBACK: Would be lovely, not to mention encourage me to scribble some more fic.
NOTE: If you wish to link to this story it would be much appreciated if you could let the
author know.
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Why me? Why not some other ambulance? Why is it always me? Why is it that I seem to be doomed to run into that poncy police Cortina every time someone commits a crime in this city? I've often asked myself that. The other ambulances, they hardly ever see it at all. It's always me. I've heard humans talk about something called fate so maybe that's it. I'd call it just plain bad luck.
Take last night, a cold, wet, miserable sort of night, when I'm called out to the canal and my driver just has to go and park me right beside the poncy git. Of course the gabby thing filled me in on what was happening. Seems the police were arresting some blaggers wanted in connection with a shooting last week only they didn't want to be arrested. So there was a big shoot-out in a club and I was called to take away a wounded human but he up and died before they could even load him into me. The police were marching out all the others who were under arrest. Meantime the Cortina was telling me about all the other toe-rags its humans had arrested lately.
"Blimey, if they keep arresting them at this rate there'll be none left."
"The Guv says how he's the sheriff of a bad town but he does the best he can for his men and his city. I hope he and Sam never get shot so you have to take them away."
"I hope so too but it goes with being a copper. It's what they do."
"I suppose you're right."
"They chose to be coppers like you chose to be a police car."
"How do you mean?"
"When you chose your human."
"Oh, I see what you mean. Well, yes, I chose my human but I didn't know anything about him. I mean I didn't even know what a police car was. When he - I mean the Guv - arrived at the lot and the salesman human was showing him one of those ugly Granadas and the Guv, he was interested in one of them all right and I thought he'd buy it but then he asked to see what else was available and the man led him over to me and he was walking around me and looking at me and the man was telling him about all my good points especially my speed and handling. Well I could tell he was interested in me. He even wanted to know about my engine. I mean I'd only arrived on the lot a few days before so not many people had seen me. I remember the salesman human was trying to interest a female human in buying me but the female said no 'cause I was far too big and she wanted something smaller. Another human who looked at me said he was a doctor and I was far too brash and he wanted something more sedate and respectable. Another human with a female human and two little humans seemed to like me a lot but the female human said she was damned if she'd be seen in something that looked like a bloody gangster's car and she made him buy an Allegro."
"That's funny that is. So the wife made him buy one of those boring little Allegros."
"Well, yes. Like the Pandas."
"You know what humans call them don't you? They reckon as how Allegros are 'all aggro' and they hate the things. Say they're the worst cars ever made in this country and how they're a communist plot to destroy the motor industry."
"Humans really say that about Allegros?"
"They do. What, you never heard that?"
"No. The Pandas all reckon they're the best cars on the road though they seem to break down a lot and have to go into the workshop."
"That's 'cause they're the worst cars on the road."
"I never realized that. What's a communist plot?"
"Some plot to take over the country. Nothing for us to worry about. No matter what kind of humans run the country they still need vehicles to drive don't they?"
"That's true. Do you think I should tell the Allegros what humans really think of them next time they make fun of me?"
"They still making fun of you?"
"Oh, yes, but I'm used to it."
"Well you could tell them you've heard that they're all going to be replaced."
"But I haven't heard any such thing."
"You are a complete dill. Look here, if they're giving you aggro you give them a bit back. You tell them that you've heard they're all going to be replaced and that will shut 'em up."
"Are you sure? And I'm not a dill, whatever that is. I'm a Cortina and I'm very smart."
"Well how would you feel if you were told you were going to be replaced?"
"I'd be very upset."
"Exactly. Now you get the idea? They upset you and make fun of you so you upset them. Got it?"
"Yes, now I get it. But what if they ask me where I heard this?"
"You just say you heard one of the coppers mention it."
"But... But that wouldn't be true."
"Let's just call it a little revenge for all the times they've made you feel bad."
"I see. I'll think about it next time they insult me."
"And laugh at you."
"Yes, they do rather snigger when they ask me how many times my humans have been rubbing gearsticks on my back seat - well shagging is what they call it but I know it's really rubbing gearsticks - and I always tell them they haven't... been rubbing gearsticks I mean, but they don't believe me. You know, they can tell."
"You still getting hangovers?"
"Uhhh, yes. You don't know of a cure do you?"
"I can't believe you haven't come up with a cure yourself."
"Uh, should I have?"
"Yes, you should. Any car with half a brain can cure a hangover."
"Uh... but I don't know of a cure."
"That's 'cause you've got less than half a brain. A good long drive should do it."
"You're being insulting. I do too have a good brain. I just didn't know there was a cure. Anyway that wouldn't work. It's only a short drive from home to work."
"Hmm. I see your problem. A bit of revving should do it. Tried that?"
"Uh, no. I mean how do I get the Guv to rev me?"
"You don't know?"
"Uh... no."
"You really don't know how to get a human to rev you?"
"No. Should I?"
"Well of course you should. Every vehicle knows how to do that."
"They do? I didn't know that."
"That's because you're a div. Anyway it's simple. You stall. You do know how to stall don't you?":
"Uhhhhh never tried it. Always tried not to stall. And I'm not a div, whatever that is. I'm a Cortina and I'm very smart."
"What you are is a useless git. Stalling is easy. Just pretend your fuel line is blocked."
"But what if it isn't? And it isn't. I mean my fuel line is never blocked. And I'm not a useless git. I'm a Cortina and I'm very useful and I don't have a blockage in my fuel line."
"Forgot I was talking to a brainless Cortina. I didn't say your fuel line was blocked, you great pillock, just pretend it's blocked."
"What's pretend? And I'm not a great pillock, whatever that is, and I'm not brainless. I'm very smart."
Well by this stage I was wishing my drivers would hurry up but no such luck. So we sat there, me trying in vain to explain to a brain dead car what pretending meant.
"So I have to block my own fuel line?"
"I swear you're as thick as your silly shag pile. You don't block your fuel line, you dill. You simply pretend to block it."
"So you're saying that I should block it without really blocking it? But I don't see how I can block it without really blocking it. And my shag pile isn't silly at all you know. It's long and thick and very attractive. Sometimes when the sunlight catches it you can see the sheen on it, especially on the apricot highlights. I used to think they were orange but of course they're really a very nice apricot. And of course the tan colour has a very nice sheen too. I used to think it was brown but of course it's tan and it matches very well with the apricot, or should I say that the apricot matches very well with the tan because there's less apricot than tan, not half of one colour and half of the other as the apricot highlights are..."
"Oh, will you shut up about your stupid shag pile! We're talking about how to cure your hangovers."
"My shag pile is not stupid. It's very attractive and Sam and the Guv spend a lot of time vacuuming it and cleaning it though Sam complains about it something terrible."
"Well whoever heard of a Cortina with shag pile?"
"That's what Sam says. He says Cortinas don't come standard with shag pile. So I'm very special."
"What you are is just plain pampered."
"What's 'pampered'?"
"You are, you great orange clod."
"I am not a clod, I'm a Cortina and I'm very smart and my colour is not orange but russet bronze which is far more attractive than plain old orange you know and I reflect beautifully in houses and shop windows and in the canal when the water is still and in the old mirror in the garage when my humans are taking care of me and the Guv is very proud of me. Sam is too but he doesn't really say so and he complains something terrible about how much petrol I use but he loves to drive me just like the Guv and I know he does because he's always wanting to drive me and sometimes the Guv lets him and and sometimes he doesn't and they argue about who should drive me 'cause they both love to drive me and I love being driven by either of them. Of course the Guv drives me very fast but Sam is more careful and considerate and of course they rub gearsticks on my back seat and they seem to enjoy it very much too, well that is when one's not dipping his gearstick in the other's gearbox and of course they enjoy that just as much and either way I get to test my superb suspension and check that it doesn't squeak 'cause my humans don't like it when it squeaks and the one time it developed a squeak after my big adventure in Wales when I had to drive through all that water and had half a tree caught under me and Sam had to get under me to fix it - the squeak I mean - the Guv was most unhappy 'cause of course that was just before the big competition when I won the title of Police Car of the Year and I got a little certificate to display on my windscreen just for me and had my picture on the front page of the newspaper and then photographers from other newspapers came to CID and took my picture and I was on the front cover of motoring magazines too. Oh, it was so nice and one of the photographers said that I was the shade of autumn leaves. Isn't that lovely?"
"Oh, will you shut up! I am trying to explain to you how to cure a hangover."
"But I don't understand what you mean by pretending and, besides, you're being insulting and I don't think you're explaining this pretend business very well or I'd be able to understand it 'cause I'm a Cortina and I'm very smart and if you were explaining it properly I'd be able to understand it."
"Why is it that after talking to you for five minutes I'm as mixed up as you are? Now look here. You say you get drunk when your humans have mating rituals on your back seat, right?"
"You mean rubbing gearsticks."
"Once and for all humans do not have gearsticks and they don't rub them."
"Yes, they do and they rub them together a lot, or one dips his gearstick in the other's gearbox, and they enjoy it too."
"I give up. The point is you get drunk."
"Yes, that's true."
"And then the gossiping Pandas all snigger and poke fun at you, don't they?"
"Yes, they do."
"And what did I just tell you the cure was?"
"A good, long drive, but I mostly have short drives so the cure is a good revving."
"Yes, and how do you get your humans to give you a good revving?"
"I have to stall."
"Very good. And how do you stall?"
"I have to have a blockage in a fuel line."
"Wrong, wrong, wrong. You don't have to have a blockage in your fuel line, you silly goose. You only pretend to have one."
"But how do I do that? How can I have something wrong when I don't have something wrong? And I'm not a silly goose, whatever that is. I'm a Cortina and I'm very smart."
"Oh, where are those Forensic people? Now look here. You told me you mastered the art of how not to start."
"Yes, I can do that. I told you I'm very smart."
"For your information every vehicle on the road has mastered the art of how not to start. It's one of the first things you have to learn in order to show your humans that they're not in control, you are."
"Every vehicle?"
"Every single one. You don't need a brain to work that one out. I mean even you can do it."
"What do you mean you don't need a brain and even I can do it? I worked out how to do that all by myself. I told you I'm very smart."
"All right, genius, if you're so smart how come you can't work out how to pretend you have a blockage in your fuel line and stall?"
"Uhhhh, if I have to have a blockage where there is no blockage then I have to control the intake valve?"
"Now we're getting somewhere. You block it, you stall. Simple, see?"
"Oh, now I understand."
"Well it's about time. I've been sitting here in the rain for the last twenty minutes..."
"Fifteen."
"Feels like two hours. As I was saying I've been sitting here for the last fifteen minutes..."
"Sixteen now."
"Oh, will you shut up!"
"For your information my clock is very accurate. The Guv has checked it."
"Oh, will you shut up about your parts! Never in my life have I met a car which raved on about its parts as much as you do, not even a Cortina, and they're all brain dead blabbermouths."
"You're being insulting again. Cortinas are not brain dead blabbermouths, we're all very smart and we look great too."
"I give up. Now, do you understand what you have to do to cure a hangover?"
"Yes, I pretend to stall by controlling my fuel intake valve."
"Correct. And what happens then?"
"Then the Guv will start me up again and rev me because he'll think I've had a blockage."
"Correct. But what if he doesn't rev you enough and you still have a bit of a hangover?"
"Uhhh, I do the same thing again?"
"Correct. Believe me the second time you stall he'll rev you good and hard and any hangover you might still have will be gone just like that."
"Really? Just like that?"
"Trust me. The Pandas won't have anything to gossip about."
"Oh, thank you, Ambulance. You're my friend and you're so smart."
Well the two humans known as the Guv and Sam came out of the club and were talking to the plods. Then the Guv headed for the Cortina, but Sam said he was waiting for Forensics and the Guv said they may as well wait in the car so they both went and sat in the Cortina. It was still raining and if anything it had got heavier. The driver's side window was open a crack though so I could just make out their conversation. The Guv picked up the radio phone.
"Who's that? Mary? Mary, where's Phyllis? What you mean she's gone home? Woman should be there twenty-four hours. Double time? Ballsy tart. So where the hell's Forensics? Oh, they're coming are they. So's Christmas!" He put the phone down. "Are you sure about this?"
"He must have been already dead when we got there, therefore we didn't shoot him. Rigor is already setting in so they'll be able to estimate the time of death. And look at the angle of the wound. Either the shooter was left-handed or the victim had his back to him. The photos and the entry and exit points will prove it. Forensics should be able to find the bullet. No way we were responsible. God, it's cold! And it's pissing down even worse."
"Yeah, it is heavier. I'll turn the heater on."
He started up the engine and turned on the heater in the Cortina.
"My hands are freezing. Forgot my gloves."
"Here."
The Guv took off his gloves and handed them to Sam who smiled and put them on.
"Hey, they're all nice and warm."
"Course they are."
"God, we're wet. Where's the bloody spare umbrellas anyway?"
"Dunno."
"Might have to buy a couple more."
"They'll only disappear same as all the others."
"I'll write on them in indelible texta 'Property of the Guv'. Should make 'em easy to find even for a detective like you."
"Don't start. Anyway they'll think I'm cheap."
"All right. How about 'Property of the Cortina'? I'll buy orange ones to match it."
"Ha bloody ha. Speaking of which we're getting dirt all over it."
"Bloody shag pile. Every time it rains we end up having to dry it out and clean it."
"What? You wanna swap it for rubber mats?"
"Would be more practical, not to mention in this weather. All we do is get mud all over it."
"Can't be helped."
"Rubber mats would save us a lot of cleaning time."
"I am not swapping the shag pile for rubber mats. May as well drive one of the bleedin' Pandas. Anyway, it's not wet all the time."
"What? The weather or the carpet?"
"The sodding weather."
"Well how about we find some plastic and put it over it in the wet weather."
"You might have something there, Gladys."
"We'd have to cut it the right size and everything."
"As long as it's clear plastic. I'm not having something that doesn't match the rest of the car."
"All right then, clear plastic it is so the shag pile will show through."
"And we're only using it in wet weather."
"Only in wet weather. It should save a bit of wear and tear on the carpet anyway so the shag pile will actually last longer."
At this stage there was a loud sigh of relief from the Cortina which must have been terrified that its humans were going to replace its precious shag pile with plain old rubber mats. In fact it made such a noise that I'm surprised its humans didn't hear it, but then humans never can understand us mechanicals. Probably just as well.
"What the hell was that?" Sam asked.
"What?"
"Didn't you hear anything?"
"No. What was it?"
"Funny noise."
They both stopped talking and listened.
"Guess it was nothing."
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe humans - well the odd one - can hear us a little after all. At any rate they were quiet for a while.
"Hey, Ambulance, did you hear what my humans said?"
"I sure did. It's a wonder you didn't have an oil leak listening to that lot."
"I nearly did. For a moment there I was so afraid they'd get rid of my lovely shag pile and replace it with those awful rubber mats. That would be just terrible but it sounds like they're just going to put some kind of plastic covering over my nice carpet in the wet weather. I don't mind that and it will save it from getting all muddy and dirty."
"Your humans think a lot of you you know. You're a very lucky car."
"Yes, I am."
"What're we eating tonight anyway?" the Guv asked.
"Satay lamb. I got the meat out to thaw this morning."
"No, not Saturday, tonight."
"That's what we're having tonight - satay lamb."
"Whatever happened to good old lamb chops?"
"Too fatty."
"Didn't your mother ever cook lamb chops for you?"
"Trust me. You'll love it. You normally do it with beef but lamb's great too."
"So what's this satay lamb?"
"Some herbs and spices, curry, chilli sauce, some onion and garlic. Haven't got any coconut milk but evaporated will do. Quick to cook. You can get the rice on while I chop the meat. Can't wait to get home."
"You're a real little homebody aren't you?"
"Especially on a night like this. Park the car. Lock the garage. Into the freezing house. Close the door on the outside world. The murderers, blaggers, rapists, they can all go to hell, and they'd be mad to be out on a night like this anyway. You turn on the heater and telly and I head for the kitchen and start preparing dinner. We have dinner, watch a bit of telly, shower and into a cold bed so we can snuggle up and get warm. And we can lie in bed listening to the sound of the rain hitting the bedroom windows and it's freezing and wet and windy outside and we're all warm and cosy in bed. Just the two of us. Bliss."
"Didn't you forget something?"
"What?"
"The part where I kiss you. And the part where you kiss me back."
"Icing on the cake."
The Guv reached out to Sam and they held hands.
"You really happy, Sam? I mean living with an old-fashioned copper like me. God knows, me missus left for greener pastures, not that I blame her. Well not any more. I mean I was hardly ever home. Reckoned as how she saw the milkman more than me."
"Gene, I am happy. Living with you makes me happy. Working with you in that dusty, smoky environment makes me happy even on days when you're being the most stubborn bastard I ever met and we spend all day fighting. By the end of the day we sort it out, like as not arrest someone, head for the pub and then we go home. In the end that's all that matters."
"You really do sound happy, you daft sod."
"Course I'm happy. And I'm not like your wife - I won't leave you for greener pastures. As far as I'm concerned if you want me to go you're gonna have to throw me out 'cause, to me, being with you is the proverbial greener pastures."
"You really mean that."
"Course I do. We're a team."
They were quiet for a while, just sitting there holding hands in the dark.
"What about you? You happy living with your DI?"
"Strange thing that - I get along far better with you than I ever did with the missus. I can drink beer and watch football on telly without getting nagged to death."
"Still wish I had tits like Britt Ekland?"
"Nah. Took me a while to find your nipples though. Had to use all me detective skills."
"Still wish I was Diana Dors?"
"Diana who?"
"I know it's not been easy for you, Gene. I mean you never thought..."
"Thought what? That I was queer as a two bob watch? That I'd fancy shagging hell out of my skinny DI? And if that wasn't bad enough I realize that I fancy hell out of sucking on his little, fairy dick too. It's been six months... and sometimes I still can't believe it, but..."
"But?"
"But... I wake up every morning and there you are and..."
"And?"
"And you're sleeping peacefully there in my bed."
"And?"
"And I love to look at you like that. You're all soft and warm and sleepy and I... I just like to see you like that."
"It's called trust - and it's a wonderful thing."
"Yeah. Suppose it is. Besides, you're always up for a morning stiffy. Missus hated it first thing in the morning."
"Oh, I see. You only love me for a quickie morning shag."
"And night-time shags. And any old time at all shags."
"We're synchronized."
"Yeah."
"You know I think it's true what they say about only a man's capable of truly understanding another man's needs."
"Don't know that I'll ever understand women."
At that point another car pulled up. Forensics had arrived at long last.
"About bloody time!" the Guv muttered as two men got out of the other car in the pouring rain. Sam took off the Guv's gloves and gave them back to him before they got out of the Cortina and went into the club with them.
For a while the Cortina was quiet, which was most unusual for the gabby git. After a while it spoke again.
"You know you're right - we do choose our humans, and I chose very well."
"You did indeed. You know I think you're about the luckiest car I've ever met. Your humans are very fond of each other and they look out for you too. So how did you come to choose the Guv for your owner?"
"Oh, I never told you what happened when he took me for a test drive. I guess that's when I chose him."
"Well go on, tell."
"Well, as I said, I'd been on the lot for several days and nobody seemed to want me. Nobody had even as much as taken me for a test drive so I could show off my speed and handling but I was still hopeful that somebody would want me for their own. Anyway one day along came the Guv and the salesman human led him over to me and he asked all about me and then he took me for a test drive. My first test drive. I was so excited. Well he really put his foot down and I gave him speed all right and I could tell he really liked it. In fact it was amazing. I mean I'd been tested in the factory but this was the real thing. When he slammed his foot on the brakes and I skidded to a stop and my tyres smoked he seemed really pleased. Then he took off again and threw me around a sharp corner into a narrow lane and my tyres screeched as I tried to keep a grip on the road but he seemed to like that even more. In fact he seemed to like everything I did so I was hoping he'd buy me. Then he parked me for a bit and had a good look around me and ran his tool sets over my leather upholstery and my lovely shag pile and my steering wheel like he already owned me and he said, 'You go like the clappers but you corner like a Mini. You're a might poncy for a copper's car but you'll do nicely.' I knew from that moment on that I was his even if I didn't really know what it would mean to be a copper's car. When he drove me back to the lot he told the salesman human that he'd take me and he wanted the shag pile too but the salesman human said that I came standard with brown carpet and the shag pile was really only for the showroom model but if he wanted it then he could arrange to have another car delivered with shag pile but it would take a week or so and the Guv said sod it, he'd take me now and with shag pile even if it cost extra 'cause there was enough money in the budget for a Granada and I cost less so he could afford to get extras and of course my vinyl roof cost more too."
"It's like I've said all along - a Cortina is a poor man's Granada."
"Just what do you mean 'a poor man's Granada'? Are you being insulting again?"
"Oh, look here come your humans, and here come my humans too. Looks like another dead one. Typical. The way humans go around shooting each other it's a wonder there's any left."
*
