The Cortina Chronicles 2: Cortina to the Rescue

by Clonesgirl

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So here's part 2.  Yes, it's more adventures of the clueless car and its hapless humans.  Not to be taken seriously under any circumstances.  This part continues where the first part left off with tales of a hair-raising trip while meantime the ambulance finds itself in a spot of bother....

The technical stuff:

RATING:                  PG-13 Blue Cortina
PAIRING:                Gene/Sam
WORD COUNT:      Just over 6,000
WARNINGS:            Slash - now you all know what that is.  And running off at the mouth (long sentences).
SPOILERS:              None
ARCHIVE:               The Motley Collection
DISCLAIMER:         Characters borrowed strictly for fun, not profit.  No offence intended.
BETAING:               Not betaed.  Apologies.  If you spot any goofs please let me know.
FEEDBACK:           Would be lovely, not to mention encourage me to scribble some more fic.
NOTE:                     If you wish to link to this story it would be much appreciated if you could let the
                                 author know.

*   *   *

As luck would have it some three weeks later I ran into that prat of a police Cortina once more at a blag in O'Connell Lane. Trouble was when I got there the shooting was still in progress.  Now I don't often see this.  Usually it's all over bar the shouting by the time I get there and my humans are left to pick up the pieces - well I mean the damaged and permanently broken ones.  As I was parked behind the Cortina my humans were instructed by the plods to remain inside me until the shooting stopped and it was safe to come out.  About all I could tell was that the shots appeared to be coming from around the corner.

"Hey, Ambulance, you got here quick!" the Cortina calls out.

"Bit too quick.  Downright dangerous around here."

"Oh, I wouldn't worry.  Just some naughty toe-rag humans.  The Guv and Sam will arrest them.  In the meantime we rest our wheels."

"And how was your trip to Wales?"

"Oh, it was a big adventure and I learnt a lot."

"And how were the Swansea police cars?"

"Not a friendly bunch at all.  Couldn't understand a word they were saying."

"That's because in Wales they speak Welsh."

"Welsh?"

"Yes, it's a different language.  One you wouldn't understand."

"Oh.  No wonder I couldn't understand them.  I just thought they were being very rude so I sat there and ignored them."

"Sat there and sulked you mean."

"What's that mean?"

"Wish I'd been there to see that."

"Well the Guv and Sam were there most of the morning before we finally headed off.  Would like to have screeched my tyres at them but Sam was driving and he doesn't do that."

"So how come Sam was driving?  I thought it was always the Guv?"

"When they're at work, yes.  But when it's not work the Guv sometimes lets Sam drive and they had an agreement that the Guv would drive there and Sam would drive home."

"So did you go to the Brecon Beacons?"

"Well we went somewhere with very narrow, winding roads and it was very hilly too.  The Guv asked Sam if he was sure he knew where he was going and I wasn't a sodding mountain goat you know, but of course I had no trouble.  Sailed up the steep hills with power to spare.  They were very big hills though."

"They're what you call mountains."

"Mountains?"

"Yes, mountains.  You were climbing mountains."

"So I've climbed mountains?  Now I've learnt something else.  I just thought they were very big hills.  So they were really mountains.  I'd never seen hills - I mean mountains - that steep before.  Anyway they were nothing I couldn't cope with. Well I must have climbed at least three of the mountains and each one higher than the last before they parked me on a very high spot. I think it must have been on top of a cliff somewhere 'cause I could see for miles around.  The ground was a long, long way down and there was water down there too."

"You mean a lake?"

"What's a lake?"

"You never seen a lake before?"

"No, I suppose not.  Is it a lot of water but not as big as the sea?"

"Yes, that's it."

"Right. Well there was a lake down there too and in the other direction you could see the way I'd come and I saw the road winding away below.  I really had done a lot of climbing.  Sam said the view was magnificent and he and the Guv got out and admired it.  It was very windy too.  Then Sam got out the camera thing and started clicking away.  Then he wanted the Guv to lean against me and he clicked some more and took my picture with the Guv leaning on me.  Then he got the Guv to lie across my bonnet and clicked some more.  Then the Guv took some of him too.  Then the Guv wanted Sam to take off all his clothes and pose but Sam said no because the wind would freeze his dick off.  Of course what he really meant was his gearstick. Don't know why humans can't call it by it's proper name.  I mean a gearstick is a gearstick."

"We back to that again?  I keep telling you it's not a gearstick."

"It is so a gearstick."

"You are completely clueless.  Do you see humans take out their gearsticks and adjust them when they change from a walk to a run?"

"No."

"Right then, it's not a gearstick."

"But it is.  I'm telling you it is.  Just because they don't take it out to change gear when they're walking or running and just because it squirts some funny-smelling lube doesn't mean it's not a gearstick."

"And just how do you work that one out, genius?"

"'Cause it's automatic.  They don't need to adjust it manually with their tool sets 'cause they have automatic transmission which also explains why they don't have a clutch.  See?  I figured that out all by myself.  I told you I'm very smart."

"I give up. You're very smart.  Now can we get back to Wales?"

"Where was I?"

"You were parked on a cliff and your humans were taking photos."

"Oh, yes.  Well the Guv said they'd used up all the film, so they put away the camera thing and got out the picnic basket from my boot but the Guv complained it was too cold and windy but Sam said the sun would be warm enough if they had some shelter from the wind so he got in and turned me around a bit. Said I'd shelter them."

"Sounds like there was a gale blowing."

"What's that?"

"A really, really strong wind. Strong enough to buffet you and shake you."

"It was a gale all right. I was being vibrated all the time and sometimes there would be a very strong gust and I would be really buffeted by it.  But it was nice sitting there in the sun and I was quite warm."

"It would have been very windy for them you know.  Humans are not like us.  They feel the cold a lot."

"Yes, I understand that but that Sam human is very clever.  First he got a cigarette from the Guv and held it low beside me and he watched the way the wind blew the smoke.  He tried it in different places until he decided on one where the smoke curled a bit before blowing away.  Then he said that that was the most sheltered spot.  It was close to my front passenger door.  Next he got out a quilt from my boot, opened the door and tucked it under the seat. Then he kind of spread it out so that the rest of it was on the ground on top of the rug and he closed over my door.  He said the door would hold it and the quilt would protect them from the draft coming under me."

"He sure is fussy."

"Between you and me the Guv calls him a picky pain in the arse.  Anyway the Guv got out the picnic basket - and I know what that is now - and spread out all the different fuels in it.  Say, what's that stuff in a bottle that goes pop when they open it?"

"You mean champagne?"

"Yes, I think that's what they called it.  When the Guv took the top off it really went pop and some fluid gushed out of it."

"Coppers swilling champagne - what next!"

"Then Sam pulled out a little box with red things in it and then he took out something else - a round thing - and there was some some thick white stuff in it."

"What sort of white stuff?"

"Thicker than oil but not as thick as grease."

"Cream?  They had strawberries and cream?  Well I never."

"They had that last.  I mean after they'd stuffed all the other types of fuel into their intakes.  There must be an odd way of stuffing strawberries into your intake though."

"What?  You mean dipping them in cream first?"

"Well Sam made the Guv turn around and not look while he got out the strawberries, then he dipped one in the cream stuff and made the Guv open his fuel intake and then he popped it in.  The Guv was surprised and said that he'd never seen Sam buy strawberries and Sam said that he'd hidden them to surprise him.  Then each would take a strawberry and dip it in the cream stuff but instead of putting it in his own fuel intake he'd offer it to the other's fuel intake."

"Oh, I see what you mean."

"Well I mean, is that something humans always do with strawberries?  Stuff them down another human's fuel intake?"

"Only if they're close."

"But they're always close.  I mean they sit together side by side in me."

"Not that kind of close but what you told me before about how they have mating rituals on your back seat.  You know, shagging."

"Oh, I see.  So only humans who rub fuel intakes and gearsticks on my back seat would eat strawberries like that."

"I mean couples."

"Couples?"

"Yes, like your humans.  They're a couple."

"Oh.  You mean couples are the kind of humans who stuff strawberries and cream down each other's fuel intake and they're the same kind of humans who rub fuel intakes and gearsticks on the back seats of cars?"

"Well that too."

"What you mean 'that too'?"

"Well because they're er... fond of each other.  Humans can get very fond of each other."

"I see.  So if two humans are fond of each other they rub fuel intakes and gearsticks on the back seats of cars and use their tool sets to stuff strawberries and cream down each other's fuel intakes and that makes them a couple?"

"Er... Well, yes, I suppose it does."

"I see.  Now I understand."

"Sounds like a nice day."

"It was - well until the trip home.  That turned into quite an adventure and my humans were very worried about me."

"Why?  What happened to you?"

"Well after they finished putting all that fuel in their intakes Sam said he was still hungry.  So they started to rub fuel intakes."

"Not more of that rubbing gearsticks business.  I don't think I could take any more."

"No, this time it was what they call a blow job. You know, when one puts his gearstick in the other's fuel intake."

"Yes, I know. You explained it last time."

"Well this was a little different."

"Different how?"

"Do you know what sixty-nine means?"

"It's a number like when you go sixty-nine miles per hour."

"That's what I thought."

"What about it?"

"Well the Guv put Sam's gearstick in his fuel intake but then Sam grinned and said 'Sixty-nine' and turned around - you know, so he was facing the other way.  Then he put the Guv's gearstick in his fuel intake and then the Guv said 'Trust you, Gladys'.  Then he put Sam's gearstick back in his fuel intake.  So what did he mean about sixty-nine?"

"You've got me there.  Might also be a house number but you weren't around any houses at the time.  Any other clues?"

"No."

"One of those human mysteries.  I'll ask the others.  They might know.  So after that you went home?"

"Oh, no.  After a bit Sam suddenly stopped, rested his hand on me and said he'd an idea.  Then the Guv stopped too and wanted to know what was going on and Sam just said, 'Feel.'  So the Guv reached out and felt me too and he said 'It's vibrating with the wind - so what?'  And Sam, he just grinned.  Then he got up - well they both got up - and Sam got the quilt, opened my rear door and laid it across my back seat and he said that it was all nice and warm inside me and the Guv said 'Well what do you expect, Dorothy?  It's been sitting in the sun.'  Then Sam removed his trousers and lay down on it.  Then the Guv got out the little tube of lube stuff from my glove box and then he lay across Sam and they rubbed fuel intakes and then a really big gust of wind came up and I got rocked by it and Sam said 'Ooh, feel that!'.  Then Sam got the little tube of lube and squirted it all over the Guv's gearstick and rubbed it in and then the Guv put it in his gearbox and Sam was laughing and saying he could come just from the vibrations and the Guv said he was kinky little sod, whatever that is, and he'd give him vibrations, and Sam said the Guv was a horny bastard, whatever that is.  I mean 'horny' I understand.  I mean he often toots my horn, but 'bastard' I'm not sure and I don't know what it has to do with tooting my horn because of course he wasn't tooting it then and had no reason to 'cause I was parked and anyway there were no other vehicles or humans around.  Anyway they rocked me around a lot - I mean even more than the wind."

"And after that you went home?"

"After that I felt drunk and they fell asleep.  Sam said sex and wine always made him sleepy.  So I just sat there and vibrated with the wind and sheltered them while they slept.  Nothing to do but gaze at the view and hope some birds didn't come along and make a mess on my nice, shiny paintwork.  The Guv hates it when that happens."

"Then you went home?"

"Then the sun disappeared and it got darker and I could see big black clouds coming over.  It got colder too and when it started to rain they woke up and quickly packed up everything and threw it all back in my boot and the Guv was complaining that Sam didn't check the weather forecast and Sam said he did and the change wasn't supposed to come until after ten o'clock that night so it wasn't his fault and the Guv said he should have known better than to trust the sodding weather forecast.  Then we headed home, me still nice and warm from sitting in the sun. But what a trip!  I had an accident but it wasn't my fault and my humans were not to blame either.  It was while we were still out in the country.  Narrow roads and pouring rain.  All of a sudden another car came out of nowhere.  I mean it must have been a side road but I couldn't see it.  Sam swerved me to avoid it and I ended up in a sticky situation."

"Oh, dear.  What happened?"

"Well the road was so narrow that when Sam swerved I couldn't help it and skidded right off the wet road and ended up in some soft grass by the side of it.  They both got out to check and their feet got all wet and muddy.  The Guv wasn't happy and was complaining something terrible about bastard Welsh drivers and sodding Welsh roads and that's what he got for letting Sam drive me.  Sam said there was nothing he could do except swerve or there would have been a head-on collision.  Then the Guv said that since Sam had got us into this mess he, the Guv, would get us out of it.  Put mud all over my nice carpet too when he got back in again and his coat was soaked."

"Never mind the carpet.  Go on."

"But I do mind my carpet.  Have I told you about my carpet?  I have lovely thick tan shag pile with apricot highlights."

"Oh, will you shut up about your precious shag pile and get on with the story!"

"Not if you're going to be cross with me.  Anyway I was wrong about the colours.  I thought it was brown and orange but Sam said it was tan and apricot."

"Oh, stop sulking and get on with the story!"

"Now you're accusing me of sulking and I think you're being insulting so I'm not saying another word."

"Oh, all right, all right. You're not sulking. Will you please get on with the story?"

"Oh, all right. Well Sam, he got a torch out of my glove box and he was looking around too.  Then he went around my left side and he called out to the Guv to watch out and the Guv went around there and Sam said to be careful and he was shining the torch downward because by this time it was very dark and they were both looking.  Then he said it's gotta be a twenty foot drop and the Guv said another four feet to the left and I'd have been over the edge."

"You really were in a spot of bother, weren't you!"

"I was."

"So what happened?"

"Well Sam told the Guv to reverse slowly at an angle back onto the road but the Guv said he could just turn me around and get back onto the road but Sam said no.  He said the ground was too soft, there was too much of a slope and I wasn't a four-wheel drive.  But the Guv, he wouldn't listen.  He tried to drive me forward and turn my wheels to get back on the road but I skidded badly and slid down a bit more.  So then they argued and Sam said to the Guv that he'd told him how to do it and this was what he got for ignoring him.  Well the Guv just got madder and tried again but again I got nowhere and he spun my wheels too fast and I just skidded even worse and slid down a bit more.  I couldn't help it."

"Crikey."

"So Sam told the Guv to get out before I slid right over the bloody edge.  So the Guv, well he got even more mad if that's possible and he got out and slammed my door.  Then Sam had another walk around.  The Guv said 'What you doing now?' and Sam said 'I'm checking to see what damage you've done.'  Then he got back in again and said there was firmer ground behind me about six feet away and if I could make it onto that then I could get back onto the road again.  So he told the Guv to push."

"And?"

"Well he put me in reverse and bit by bit I inched backwards, my wheels skidding and the Guv pushing on my front end but he was slipping and sliding too.  I was still slipping sideways a bit too in spite of my good tyres which normally grip so well but finally I was on the firmer ground and Sam got out again and had another look.  He got back in again and said that there was a bit of a hump at the edge of the road but with a bit of luck I should make it over it.  Well he took it slow once more, turned my wheel a bit and finally I had my right rear wheel back on solid ground.  Trouble was my bottom started to scrape on the hump though and the Guv told him to stop before I got damaged.  Then the Guv got the torch and looked under me and told Sam that if he'd damaged me he'd damage him.  Then he told Sam to go forward a little and turn to the right a bit to get me away from the hump.  Got scraped a bit more but then Sam was able to reverse me once more so that I made it back onto the road in a slightly different spot where there wasn't a hump.  Finally I had all four wheels back on the road again and I was ever so relieved to feel it under my tyres once more, wet as it was.  My humans had managed to save me.  I'd been scraped a bit but nothing was broken."

"Just as well.  You were very lucky.  I well remember being in big trouble at a farmhouse one night.  Pouring rain.  Terrible night.  Driver couldn't see where he was going and neither could I.  Ended up in a duck pond.  Water up to the floorboards.  They had to leave me there and send for another ambulance and I was stuck there until they towed me out the next day.  I tell you I was so relieved to feel solid ground under my tyres once more.  The countryside is dangerous for anything on four wheels, especially in bad weather."

"So why were you at the farmhouse?"

"Oh, just another human having a replacement.  By the time the other ambulance arrived they'd already had it.  Don't know why they even bothered sending for us and look where it got me.  Downright humiliating it was being stuck in a pond like that with ducks quacking at me.  Anyway I trust the rest of your trip home was boring."

"Far from it.  It was a terrible evening.  The rain got even worse and Sam slowed more.  He's always a careful driver and even with my lights on high beam I could barely see where I was going.  Both my humans were very damp and there was mud and grass all over my nice carpet.  It was terrible.  The Guv turned my heater on to dry them out a bit.  Anyway we came down this big hill and all of a sudden I was driving through water.  I mean water as high as my hubcaps.  Sam stamped his foot on the brakes and stopped.  I could see there was another hill ahead but there was all this fast flowing water between me and it.  The Guv said 'Bloody hell!' and Sam said he'd get out and check how deep it was.  The Guv said sod that, he'd get washed away and that Sam should drive straight through.  Sam said that was typical of the Gene Hunt way of doing things and we could all be washed away if it was too deep and the Guv said it was probably getting deeper while we were sitting there.  So Sam, he took off his boots and socks and rolled up his trousers and said he was going to check.  So he got out and walked forward.  The water was nearly half way up his legs and it was flowing so fast he was having trouble standing but he made it across and came back all right.  'It's gonna be up to the floor' he said.  The Guv said to take a good run at it but Sam said we should drive across slow and steady.  Then the Guv said that if Sam didn't take a run at it he'd bloody do it and Sam said there was nothing worse than a bloody back seat driver but he put his socks and boots back on again and backed me up out of the water and back up the hill some.  Then he put me in gear and really stamped his foot on my accelerator.  He normally never drives me like that.  The Guv does but Sam doesn't.  I mean I don't mind.  I'm very strong and I like being handled like that.  So I shot forward and I was already doing thirty-five when I hit the water.  It flew up either side of me and it was deep but I shot straight through it and started climbing the hill on the other side.  I think Sam and the Guv were relieved I'd made it through the water though.  Sam said to thank christ I didn't stall but I mean why would I stall?  I can handle a bit of water all right."

"If it gets on your points you stall."

"You do?  I guess I've never had water on my points then."

"If you'd stalled in the water you'd have been in big trouble and so would your humans."

"Oh, I didn't realize that.  I was sure I could make it."

"Humans have a saying that goes ignorance is bliss."

"You mean I should have been scared?"

"Well it's just as well you weren't."

"Well anyway I knew something was wrong when I was climbing the next hill.  Felt like something got stuck under me when I went through the water.  So when we got to the top of the hill my humans got out to check with the torch.  The Guv said there was half a bloody tree caught under me.  Lucky for me they managed to pull it out from where it was caught around my axle."

"What a night."

"You're telling me.  I was so relieved to get back to the city.  I mean I was a mess inside and out but at least I got my humans home safely, wet though they were.  When we got back to the Guv's place, before they got out Sam took hold of one of the Guv's tool sets and told him how it had been a wonderful day anyway and the Guv, well he wasn't mad any more - I've noticed he never can stay mad at Sam - and he just said 'Sodding countryside.  We're lucky the car's still in one piece.'  And Sam said 'We're still in one piece.'  And he pressed his fuel intake to the Guv's and they sat there rubbing fuel intakes."

"What?  With you parked in the street where anyone could see?"

"It was still pouring rain, it was dark and there were no humans about and all my windows had water running down them so it was even darker inside me.  There were only the sounds of the rain beating down on me and those funny little noises humans make when they rub fuel intakes.  I think they were pleased with me though.  Sam thanked the Guv for trusting him to drive me all the way home in the bad weather.  Then he asked if they could do it again - you know, park me in a lonely place where it was very windy and the Guv called him a kinky little fairy boy - whatever that means - and Sam said he couldn't help it if my vibrations turned him on and the Guv said he'd have more than vibrations to worry about if he didn't shift his arse and they'd both end up with new money or something."

"'New money'?"

It was at that point in our conversation that things suddenly got a bit hairy, even for an experienced old ambulance like me.  The shooting, which had been on and off, seemed to get louder.  It also seemed to be beside us rather than around the corner where it had been.  We couldn't see anything though.  Then there were humans yelling something and the next thing I know three humans wearing masks and carrying guns run out of a gate right behind me.  Two of them open my doors and pull out my driver and his assistant.  One of them knocks the assistant senseless with his gun and the other two take my driver, Frank, around to my rear, open my rear doors and shove him inside.  One of the toe-rags gets in beside him and the other two jump in the front and start me up.  Then the police come running out the gate after them and start shooting at the humans inside me. Crikey!  This is a nice how do you do!  The four detectives and some others too are all firing at the blaggers but I'm getting hit too and one of them is reversing me down the narrow street while the other is firing back at the police, the police firing all the while and my windscreen is shattered by at least four bullets.  The Cortina is saying don't worry, it'll save me and the humans who were stealing me are now injured but they keep on driving me in reverse gear.  The last thing I saw were the four detectives jumping into the Cortina and starting to reverse down the road at high speed after me.  Well this was a turnout wasn't it!

Well we get to a crossroad where they turn me around so violently on two wheels that I thought I'd fair keel over.  The humans who stole me drove me at top speed and were very rough with me. But they also had bullets in 'em.  The one in the back with my driver seemed to be all right though.  As we turned yet another corner I got a quick glimpse of the Cortina racing after me and I heard it screech around the corner only a few yards behind now.  It was quickly catching up.  Never thought I'd appreciate that car's speed but I did then.  It was really very fast - faster than I thought possible.

Just my luck the detectives in the Cortina started firing into my passenger doors whenever we turned a corner but most of the bullets hit everywhere else and the tosser in my passenger seat was firing right back at them.  I now had so many bullet holes in me that I'd lost count.  The humans in the front of me were shouting at each other.  I think one was blaming the other for the whole blag going wrong.  Anyway they must have realized that they'd never get away from the speedy Cortina which was right on my tail now - and, boy, was I glad to see it there! - so they suddenly stopped me and my tyres didn't half screech as they tried to grip the road.  They jumped out just as the Cortina pulled up with an even bigger screech of tyres behind me and there were more gunshots.  The blaggers tried to get away but they got even more bullets in 'em and they both collapsed - one of them beyond repair from the looks of him.  The one inside me surrendered and the police arrested him and I was relieved to see my driver was all right.  Two of the Pandas arrived just then too and the plods took over.

I was in a bad way, bullet holes everywhere and windscreen shattered, though they didn't seem to have hit any of my vital parts.  What really upset me though was having to be rescued by a poncy git of a Cortina.  I knew that when the other ambulances heard about it they'd all be sniggering.  They won't care that I was nicked or my skin was pierced everywhere with bullets, oh, no.  What I'll hear is, 'Oh, here comes number two.  You know - the one that had to be rescued by a Cortina.'  Or 'How are you, dearie?  Meet any Cortinas today?'  Or ' Don't worry, we've sent a Cortina instead.  It has a better chance of getting back in one piece.'  I knew I'd never hear the end of it.  This would be worse than the duck pond - far worse.

"Oi, Ambulance, you all right?"

"Well how do you think I am, you stupid, jumped-up git?  I've been stolen, I've been driven by a maniac human and almost overturned.  I'm riddled with bullet holes, I've got hardly any windscreen left and I'll be off the road for weeks while they repair me."

"I guess you're not used to this the way I am.  Cheer up.  They'll have you repaired and back on the road again in no time. Humans really need vehicles like you.  They can't afford to be without you."

"You think so?"

"Of course. You're needed to transport all the broken humans to hospital and all the humans who are having replacements. They need you all the time. You told me when we first met how you're on call all hours of the day and night just like I am. Humans always need vehicles like us."

"You're right you know.  They do need us.  Well fancy hearing words of wisdom from a prat like you."

"What's a prat?  And I'm not jumped-up you know.  As I've told you before, I've been lowered a little, not raised.  Helps me corner better and catch the toe-rags quicker the Guv says, though mind you it did cause me a spot of bother in Wales trying to get back onto the road after I'd skidded off it.  Well you saw yourself how fast I am and how well I hold the road.  Didn't take more than a couple of minutes for me to catch up with you did it?"

"Oh, all right, all right. I take it all back. You're not jumped-up after all."

"Good."

"And you are very fast, I'll give you that."

"Very good.  And am I still a prat, whatever that is?"

"You know I've realized you're really very brave."

"I am?"

"Yeah.  You're a top notch police car, you know, even if you do sound like a git.  You're speedy and you're not afraid when the bullets start flying and you really came through for your humans on that trip to Wales just like you did for me today.  Say, did you get any bullets in you?"

"My right front tyre's nicked and it's leaking."

"So it is. You're getting lopsided. You ever had bullets in you before?"

"Had one pierce my radiator once.  Leaked everywhere and the Guv was really angry.  Had to be towed to the workshop.  Of course the Pandas all sniggered about my big leak and every time I attended a blag they'd ask me if I'd had any more leaks. Now that I have a leak in my tyre they'll probably be calling me 'Leaky' again."

"You know you're a very lucky car.  All those bullets flying around the place and all you got was a punctured tyre?  It could have been far worse."

"I suppose you're right."

"And you have two humans getting their jollies in you and you're well taken care of.  What was it you told me when we first met about how the Guv is very protective towards you?"

"Oh, you mean when there are little humans around?"

"Yeah, that was it.  What was it he says?"

"Oh, he tells them that if anything happens to me he'll go around their houses and stamp on all their toys."

"It's no wonder the Pandas and the others are jealous of you.  No one takes care of them like that."

"You know I never thought of that."

Just then the Guv and Sam came along and Sam walked all around me.

"Shit.  Will you look at the ambulance?"  Sam sounded amazed at the number of bullet holes in me.

"More holes than the bleedin' Titanic."

"We nearly destroyed it."

Well at least they were aware of my sorry state.  Then they headed for the Cortina but the Guv suddenly noticed its flat tyre.

"Bastards!  They got the bloody car!"

"You got a flat tyre."

"Gladys, you're a champion of the bleedin' obvious.  They'd better not have got anything else.  Here, you plods, gi's a hand."

"It's not their job to change your tyre."

"Shut it, Dorothy."

Just then my driver came along and reckoned he could get me to the workshop without having to wait for a tow.  As I was driven slowly away from the scene to spend I knew not how long being repaired I saw the Guv open the Cortina's boot as two plods came over to help.

"See you around, Ambulance!" the Cortina called.

Once upon a time not long ago I would have muttered 'Not if I can help it.'  But now I called out, "You betcha, ducky."  And if the other ambulances make fun of me over having to be rescued by a Cortina, well I can take it.  That's quite a brave car - even if it is a complete prat.

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