The Cortina Chronicles 13:
A Night at the Pictures
by Clonesgirl
For full warnings etc. see Part A.
Part C: No More Necking
The next day the papers were filled with stories of the football riot and the drive-in opening. My drivers were laughing and shaking their heads as one of them read out:
Manchester's New Drive-In Theatre Beset by Riot, Flood and Robbery
In a disaster of titanic proportions last night's grand opening of Britain's first drive-in theatre - proudly built right here in Manchester - was marked by calamity with more than a dozen cars left stranded as a freak thunderstorm hit the northern parts of the city.
Some ten minutes into the second feature at the new Queen's Drive-In nature struck with a fury seldom seen. As a result the ground rapidly flooded, power failed and many motorists were left stranded in darkness and rising water. This was compounded by a broken-down car blocking the driveway exit which had promptly turned into a quagmire with the onset of the storm. This, in turn, caused a riot to break out amongst angry, frustrated and soaked-to-the-skin motorists.
If all that wasn't bad enough the box office takings - precious little as opening night was half price - were robbed by a cunning thief. Two off duty detectives were on scene at the time, but apparently were unable to detain the thief. Police are now appealing to the public for information.
The robber, who was riding a trail bike, is described as being small, of slim build and youthful appearance with a freckled face. Anyone with information should contact North-West District CID.
The unfortunate owner of the drive-in, Mr Geoffrey Allen, says that this has ruined him as he had put his life savings into the venture and had been assured by Council that the bowl-shaped depression which forms the grounds had proper drainage.
Councillor Mills, who was in charge of the drive-in project from the outset, has advised that this is not the fault of Council as the land had decent drainage when it was a cricket ground. When queried as to whether additional drainage had been built beneath the bitumen surface, Councillor Mills admitted that it was not considered a priority at the time of building. He has, however, assured this reporter that Council will conduct a thorough investigation.
Whatever Council's findings may be, Mr Allen will be taking legal action.
As of this morning the drive-in was a sorry sight with flooded cars still being towed away by a council tractor. Even the tractor was having trouble finding purchase in the mud and the grounds were still full of water. However, some ducks seemed to be enjoying the new manmade lake and were swimming happily around. Others were competing with seagulls for perching rights on the speakers. Perhaps the owner could run some Daffy Duck cartoons to entertain them.
In the opinion of many, due to its climate, this country is thoroughly unsuited to open air drive-in theatres. And, according to many religious leaders, who railed against the project from the time it was first proposed near two years ago, drive-ins are cesspits of immorality.
As for the Queen's Drive-In, it would seem to have good prospects for boating. Perhaps the owner could turn it into a recreational lake. Anyone fancy feeding the ducks? Meantime the local Odeon cinema is doing brisk business. Then again drainage isn't a problem there, it has a decent roof over it and members of the public can rest assured that they will enjoy a film in comfort.
As usual, the press never get it right, though my drivers will never know that. Then again, they don't know the real story of the so-called broken-down car and never will. That silly, pampered ponce of a Cortina just never breaks down. You'd think it would what with the reckless way the Guv drives it, but somehow it doesn't. So if it won't start it's 'cause it just plain doesn't want to, either because its humans are having a fight - and that upsets it - or because it thinks it's going to be carnapped again - perish the thought - but humans will never understand that. Then again Sam might. He seems to understand that car, but then Sam seems to be a different set of wheels to the other detectives, especially the Guv. Most humans haven't a clue what goes on with us mechanicals and they never will. They think we're just hunks of metal. Little do they know.
After that night I never heard my drivers mention the drive-in again and wondered if it had reopened after the big flood. So next time I saw that divvy Cortina I asked it if it had heard anything more about it.
"Sam said Nelson said that the bloke had gone broke what with the ground being flooded and the box office takings being robbed and also 'cause it had rained for a whole week after that. The Guv was disappointed 'cause they were going to show something called The Wild Bunch."
"Bet your humans were upset about that."
"Well the Guv said no more necking but Sam said they could neck on my back seat any old time but the Guv said it wasn't the same. Sam said they'd just have to go to the local cinema but the Guv said no necking there. So Sam said they could sit in the back row and hold hands in the dark under the Guv's coat and the Guv seemed to like that idea, but then he said that he hoped somebody would open another drive-in in Manchester, or someplace nearby, but Sam said it was hopeless on account of the weather."
"Well I suppose that's that then. A drive-in opens and closes in one night and you get to go to it. You know you're a very lucky car?"
"I am. And I'm good at my job - you said so - and I have humans who pamper me."
"And did Sam clean all the mud out of your precious shag pile?"
"Oh, yes. Sam removed all my muddy shag pile - and he found some crushed Maltesers in it too - and he wiped me all down where there was mud all over my good leather upholstery and everywhere. Then he replaced my muddy shag pile with my spare shag pile and I think he spent a long time cleaning the mud out of the other lot and he complained a lot too. So I'm all nice and clean again and my extra thick, long shag pile just sparkles, doesn't it? See how shiny it is? Smells very nice too."
"Yes, I'm sure it is."
"And the Guv hosed down my outer parts and got all the mud out of my wheel wells and rims and hubcaps and everywhere and then he polished me all down. See how nice and shiny I am?"
"Yes, just blinding. Seen any elephants lately?"
"No. Anyway you told me you don't find them on the streets of Manchester and they don't go around crushing Mark III Cortinas either, which is lucky for me, and for all the other Mark IIIs too of course. I mean I wouldn't like to be crushed like that."
"What a shame."
"Just what do you mean 'what a shame'? Do you mean it's a shame that I don't want to be crushed? Well why would I want to be crushed? That would be just awful 'cause then I wouldn't be around any more and my humans wouldn't have a car. Or do you mean it's a shame that elephants don't go around crushing Cortinas, which would be a terrible thing to happen. I mean there'd be crushed Cortinas everywhere."
"So there would, ducky. So there would."
"And why are you making that funny noise?"
"Like I said - what a shame."
"It is not a shame. That would be terrible if there were crushed Cortinas everywhere and you're still making that funny noise and when you make that funny noise I get sus... uh, sus... Oh, what was that great, big word? I'll remember it this time for sure."
"No, you won't."
"Yes, I will."
"No, you won't. You never do."
"Yes, I will. And did I tell you that I've told all the other Cortinas around, especially the Mark IIIs, that they won't get crushed by elly fants either?"
"No, you didn't."
"Well I did and they were all so pleased on account of they were afraid that they might get crushed by elly fants too."
"Were they now? Isn't that a shame."
"Uh... do you mean that it's a shame 'cause I told them so now they won't be afraid of getting crushed by elly fants any more? Because I think that would be a good thing, not a shame."
"Oh, you do, do you."
"Yes, I do... and you're still making that funny noise... Or do you mean that it's a shame that I told them on account of you'd rather they were afraid of getting crushed by elly fants? I mean you wouldn't want all the smart, stylish Mark IIIs to be afraid of getting crushed by elly fants, would you?"
"Perish the thought, ducky. Perish the thought."
"You're still making that funny noise and that makes me... Uh... That makes me... Oh, what was that big word? The one that starts with 'sus'. I'll really remember it this time. I know I will."
And I know it won't, silly, great, pampered ponce it is. But that's the nature of Mark IIIs for you - attractive to look at but not a brain to be found. I really shouldn't expect it to have a brain when it's nothing more than a silly showroom model. Humans should never buy showroom models. I mean they're just made to sit there and look pretty, aren't they. And fancy it getting to see a real film about racing cars. What I'd give to see that. Still, at least I got to hear about it and I'm content with my lot. I keep reminding myself that ambulances do very important work. Ah, but what would it be like to be a real race car...?
* * *
The movie that had the Cortina all excited was Grand Prix. The Gene Hackman movie that Gene missed out on seeing was of course The French Connection.
The title of Part B is shamelessly borrowed from this movie. Somehow it seemed appropriate. *g*
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