The Cortina Chronicles 13: A Night at the Pictures

by Clonesgirl

---

For full warnings etc. see Part A.

Part B: A Night to Remember

"Well there was a big thunderstorm and the Guv and Sam had these Malteser things on my back seat and I nearly got flooded out and then..."

"Wait up.  How do you mean you nearly got flooded out?"

"Well when they came back after the great car film had finished the Guv said something about no hot dogs and Sam said he'd give him one later, but why would the Guv want a hot dog?"

"It's human food."

"I didn't know humans ate dogs."

"They don't, you clueless clot - well at least not that I've ever heard of - but they do eat hot dogs."

"So they don't eat dogs, but they do eat hot dogs?  And I'm not a clueless clot."

"Now you've got it, and you are."

"So a hot dog is something humans put in their fuel intakes?"

"Yes."

"But the Guv said there were none at the drive-in so how could Sam give him one later?  And you're making that funny noise again...  Why are you making that funny noise?"

"Sam probably meant that he'd cook one for him later."

"Oh, yes, that's what he must have meant.  Sam likes to cook and he gets the Guv to help him.  You're so smart the way you thought of that."

"Yes, I'm very smart, but back to your humans at the drive-in."

"Well they had these things called Maltesers.  You know, one of those strange things humans use for fuel.  They kind of look like little balls."

"Yes, I know the ones.  Little chocolate balls.  Humans like them."

"Anyway Sam put one in his mouth and then he rubbed fuel intakes with the Guv - I mean kissed him - and then the Guv was making crunching noises and then he said 'Mmmm... ' and then they kissed some more and then the Guv got a Malteser and put it in his mouth and then they kissed again and then Sam was sort of giggling and crunching too, but I don't quite understand how...  I mean why was he doing that - I mean making crunching noises - when it was the Guv who put the Malteser thing in his own mouth, so, uh.... how did Sam get it?  Why are you making that funny noise again?"

"You and your poofy humans.  You can't understand why one put a Malteser in his mouth but the other one crunched it up?"

"Uh...  It somehow went from one to the other when they were rubbing fuel intakes?"

"They swapped it, you brainless git."

"But...  I mean why would they do that?  And I'm not a brainless git.  I'm a Cortina and I'm stylish and very smart and you're being insulting again."

"'Cause they're great, big fairies, that's why, and they were having a bit of fun."

"Yes, but they lost some and Sam was hunting for them and the Guv said to forget them but Sam said he wasn't going to be getting crushed Maltesers out of my shag pile and they felt around and found them on my back seat - I mean on the rugs.  Then Sam complained that the Guv sucked half the chocolate off before he gave it to him.  That was when it started to rain and the rain got really heavy and the Guv said he couldn't hear the film so Sam turned the sound up on the speaker thing in my window but the rain got even heavier and Sam said they couldn't see it now anyway through all the rain on my windscreen and the Guv said that not even Superman with his x-ray vision, whatever that is, could see through that lot.  Then the Guv put his toolset - I mean hand - on Sam's gearstick and rubbed it and they were quiet after that and my windows got all steamed up.  Then the thunder and lightning started and the rain got even worse and then I noticed a lot of cars were leaving."

"So did you leave too?"

"Well the Guv and Sam didn't seem to notice all the other cars leaving."

"And they didn't care they were missing the film either."

"I think you might be right."

"Course I'm right on account of they were otherwise occupied, weren't they."

"If that means rubbing gearsticks, uh, yes."

"So there was a big thunderstorm, no one could see the second film and your poofy humans didn't care on account of they were busy shagging under the rugs on your back seat."

"Uh, well, they didn't quite..."

"What do you mean 'they didn't quite...'?  Didn't quite what?"

"Uh, you know."

"You mean they didn't quite get to the big finish?"

"Not quite."

"Well that explains it."

"Explains what?"

"Why you're not high as a kite.  So what happened?"

"Well they stopped snogging and rubbing gearsticks when the lights came on again and the film stopped and the speaker thing in my window said the second film was abandoned 'cause of the rain and they were asking all motorists to leave on account of the ground was no longer safe."

"Uh-oh."

"Well the Guv said 'We'd better make a move' and Sam said 'Have a heart.  Not now' and then the Guv sat up and looked out the windows and said 'Bugger!  Everyone's leaving.  Come on, Sam' and Sam said 'That's more like it' but the Guv said 'Not now, Sam.  They've turned on the lights and we gotta make a move.  It's like a lake out there' and Sam said 'A lake?  What're you talking about?  It's just a bit of rain'.  Then he sat up and looked out my windows too and said 'Shit!'.  So they did up their clothing and climbed back onto my front seats and the Guv started me up and turned on my wipers and my heating too.  I was sorry not to be able to see the second film, though if you ask me it had a lot of police and and humans with guns in it.  Still it was nice to be able to see a real film and I'll never forget the one with all the race cars and how exciting it all was.  So now I know what a real film is, and isn't that nice?"

"'And isn't that nice?'  Trust you to get to go to the pictures - and see race cars.  So what happened then?"

"Oh, it was when we went to leave that all the trouble started.  The rain was pelting down and Sam reached out through the window to put the speaker thing back on the pole but he couldn't reach the pole so he opened the door and he looked at all the water and said 'Gene, it's up to the hubcaps already!" and it was too.  Then the Guv opened his door and looked and he said 'Bloody hell, we're gonna drown'.  So Sam took off his boots and... uh... those things they wear under them..."

"Socks."

"Yes, that's the word - socks - and the Guv said 'What're you doin'?' and Sam said the water might be higher than his boots and the Guv said 'Rubbish!  Stop bein' such a girl' and Sam said 'You wanna ruin your Italian loafers in all that water?'  So then Sam pulled up his trousers a bit and got out to put the speaker back on the pole thing and jumped back in again and said the water was freezing and it really was like a lake out there.  It was too.  I've seen a lake, you remember, on my big trip to Wales."

"Yes, I remember all about your big trip to Wales.  That must have been quite a downpour."

"On my trip to Wales?  Yes, it was and the roads were flooded and I skidded off the road on account of another car."

"No, I mean at the drive-in."

"Yes, it was.  I've seldom seen rain so heavy.  Then Sam put his socks and boots back on again and there was a great big flash..."

"You mean lightning?"

"Yes, lightning, and this great big bang.  Felt like the ground was shaking and then all the lights went out and the only lights left were us cars.  The Guv said 'Bloody hell, let's get out of here' and he started to drive me towards the gate and we went through it but then there were a lot of other cars in front of us trying to get back up to the road and they were going nowhere and their wheels were spinning and there was mud flying everywhere and they were bumping into each other.  Then there were other cars behind us too and they started tooting their horns and the human in the one behind me told the Guv to move his bag of bolts."

"What?  He called you a bag of bolts?"

"Yes.  Do you think that's very nice?  'Cause I don't think it is.  I mean calling me, a smart and stylish Cortina, a bag of bolts.  I'm not a bag of bolts.  I'm the last word in style and comfort and why are you making that funny noise again?  Then the car with the nasty human told me to move my brown arse out of the way, and I don't think that was very nice either.  I mean my colour is a lovely russet bronze, not brown."

"Never mind your poncy colour.  What kind of car was it?"

"A Volvo, and my colour is not poncy.  It's a very attractive colour and everyone says so."

"Well that explains it.  An uppity Volvo and its human."

"Then it told me to get out of the way 'cause it was coming through and that's when it bumped me."

"The cheek!"

"Well I thought so too.  I told it not to bump me as I was a police car and my humans were detectives but it said I was spinning its wheel on account of it was parked right behind me the whole time and it'd noticed my humans on my back seat and it reckoned they'd been at it, or so it said, so they were queers, not detectives.  So I told it how I was Police Car of the Year but it said that I was a cheap and nasty rustbucket Cortina with vinyl seats and rubber mats and it didn't believe a word I said."

"What!  It called you a liar?"

"Yes, it did, and I didn't think that that was very nice either.  So I told it how I was the last word in luxury and I told it all about my wood panelling, but it said that it had wood panelling too, probably more than me.  So then I told it about my leather upholstery and extra comfy seating, but it said it had leather upholstery too and it was also very comfy.  So then I told it all about my soft, thick, extra long shag pile in tan with apricot leaves and gold borders around every little leaf and I asked it if it had lovely shag pile like mine."

"And did it?"

"Well, it just kind of sat there for a while and finally it said no, it didn't, just ordinary carpet - and you're making that funny noise again."

"A Volvo upstaged by a Cortina.  I would never have believed it - and it's about time too!  Good for you, ducky."

"Well then the Guv shouted at its driver and told him he'd arrest him if he bumped me again.  So I couldn't move and nobody was going anywhere fast.  We were all stuck and mud was flying everywhere.  The Guv says we'll be here all ruddy night at this rate and then Sam turned on my radio and there was news on it about the big riot here.  So then the Guv tried my police radio telephone but I was out of range.  So the Guv says 'Well that does it - we gotta get out now and this lot are going nowhere' and Sam says 'Come on' and they both get out and they walk over to the stuck cars and the Guv gets everybody out of them except for the one nearest to the road and they all push that one up the hill until its free and on the road and then they did the same with all the others but there were still cars behind me including the Volvo and a blue Bentley and it was very nice.  It said how we were all in a sticky situation and its wheels couldn't get any tractor either, whatever that is, but our brave humans would save us."

"'Tractor'?"

"Yes, it said its wheels couldn't get any tractor."

"By any chance do you mean 'traction'?"

"Uh... what's traction?"

"Call yourself a car!  You mean to say you don't know what traction is?"

"Uh, no.  Should I?"

"Yes, you should.  See that's the difference between a Cortina and a Bentley - one of them has a brain."

"Yes, us Cortinas, especially the Mark III model, all have very good brains.  So what's this traction thing?"

"Grip, you great dimwit."

"You mean when my good tyres grip the road?  And I'm not a great dimwit either.  I'm a Cortina and all us Cortinas are smart and very attractive."

"If you've got good traction, you've got good grip.  And you are, too, a great dimwit or you'd know that.  So what happened then?"

"Oh, that was when there was the big fight.  And I told you I'm not a dimwit."

"What big fight?  And you are."

"Well all the humans were pushing and they got all the cars ahead of me up onto the road again and then it was my turn and Sam was driving me but my good Rostyle wheels were spinning badly and throwing up a lot of mud and the Guv and the other humans were trying to push me up the slope - I mean up the driveway - but then someone back down at the gates was shouting that they'd been robbed."

"Robbed?"

"Yes, robbed.  So the Guv stopped pushing me and ran back down to the gate and Sam turned off my motor and he got out and ran down after him and they were talking to the man down there and then the Guv ran off into the rain and Sam was shouting 'Guv, we'll never catch it' and he ran off after the Guv and I was sitting there stuck half across the muddy path and all the other cars were stuck behind me back to the gate and others were further back stuck in all the water."

"So the place was robbed on opening night?"

"Yes, and all the other cars behind me were all tooting their horns and their humans, especially the nasty Volvo one, were shouting at my humans to come back and move me."

"What a night!"

"Then the Volvo human got out of his car and he said he was blowed if he was going to wait any longer for my idiots to come back and move me and he got in."

"What?  He got in your driver's seat?"

"Yes, he did, and he tried to start me up, but I refused to start.  So he tried again and I refused again and he said 'Typical!  Useless bag of bolts'.  And you're making that funny noise again..."

"So you wouldn't start for the Volvo tosser."

"No.  He was being very nasty and insulting me and I wasn't sure if he was trying to carnap me.  So he tried again and I refused again.  Then someone called out 'Give it some choke'.  Then another human said 'Here, get out and let me try' but the Volvo human said 'What would you know about it?' and the other human said 'I drive a lorry for me bread and butter.  Now get out!' and he reached in and pulled the Volvo human out.  Then the Volvo human's wife came over and said 'How dare you treat my husband like that!  He's only trying to help' but the lorry driver human said 'He can help by letting a real man do the job' and she said 'Well I never!'  So the lorry driver human got in and he says 'Now watch and learn' and he tried to start me too but I refused again.  So he tried again and again.  And you're making that funny noise..."

"At least that's one thing you know."

"I know lots of things.  All us Cortinas are very smart.  The first time I refused to start was because the Guv and Sam were fighting and they ended up rubbing gearsticks instead and they've been doing it ever since."

"Yes, I know.  You've told me all about it."

"I have.  So then the lorry driver human said that I must have water on the points, but of course I didn't.  The Volvo human asked the lorry driver human if he was trying to start me in the wrong gear but the lorry driver human said 'Do me a favour.  What do you take me for?' and the Volvo driver said "An ugly, loudmouthed, ig... uh, iggy...  Oh, what's that big word?"

"Ignorant, like you."

"I am not ignorant.  I'm a very stylish and smart Cortina - and I know how to refuse to start."

"All right, all right.  You know how to refuse to start.  Get on with it."

"Well the Volvo human said the lorry driver human was an ugly, loudmouthed, ignorant pig who couldn't start a car if his life depended on it and the lorry driver human got out and said he was a jumped up little prick and hit him and the Volvo human fell down in all the mud and water.  You're making that funny noise again..."

"You do cause trouble, don't you."

"I do not cause trouble."

"Yes, you do.  Any other car but you would have let itself be moved out of the way but, oh, no, not you."

"I wasn't going to let them move me.  They might have tried to carnap me and I know what it's like to be carnapped and it's not very nice.  You remember when I was carnapped and made to carry a dead body in my boot and they set me on fire too."

"How could I forget.  So what happened then?"

"Well, the Volvo human's wife helped him up and she was shouting at the lorry driver human about hurting her Rodney and then some more humans started shouting that the Volvo human should hit him back - and he did - and then they both fell in the mud and they were hitting each other and that's when the Guv and Sam returned and saw them and they pulled out their badges and said 'Oi, police!' and they pulled them apart and the Volvo human and the lorry driver human were shouting at each other and the Guv wanted to know who started it and the other humans, who were all standing around in the rain, said that the fight started because nobody could move me out of the way and how it was all the Guv's and Sam's fault for leaving me blocking the path and it was hopeless now 'cause I was broken down, which I wasn't, and they were never going to get out of there and some who were down inside the gates said their cars were getting flooded out."

"What a downpour."

"It was.  Then the lorry driver human was looking at the Volvo human's wife and he said 'Don't I know you?' and she said 'I hardly think so' and he said 'Sure, I know you.  It's Rosie!  I'll never forget you!' and she said that he must have her mixed up with someone else and then the Volvo human said 'Now look here, you...' and the lorry driver human said 'It's Tom.  You remember, you used to call me 'Tomcat'.  You were Molly's best girl.  Couldn't half give head and I'll never forget that thing you did with your tongue.  Got me every time' and then the Volvo human said 'Rosemary, what is this man talking about?  Do you know him?' and the lorry driver human said 'Course she knows me, don't you, Rosie?' and she said 'I've never seen this man before in my life' but the lorry driver human said 'Course you remember me.  I was one of your regulars, wasn't I' and then the Volvo human said 'Look here, you.  How dare you insult my wife!  Anyone would think she was a common prostitute' but the lorry driver human said 'She was a real little vixen, weren't you, Rosie.  Molly always used to say you were her best earner and things were never the same after you left' and that was when the Volvo human hit him and the lorry driver human hit him back."

"You little troublemaker."

"I am not a troublemaker.  I just didn't want to be carnapped again.  Then when the Guv said he'd arrest them both if they didn't behave the crowd all started shouting and one human said it was all the Volvo human's fault and someone else said it wasn't and then they all started fighting too.  Then the Guv came over to me and got his gun out of the glove box and fired it into the air and told them all to stop fighting or he'd arrest the lot of them and they'd never get home that night, so they stopped fighting.  Then the Volvo human said to his wife 'It's true, isn't it, what Tom said?' and his wife said 'Of course not, Rodney.  You know I'd never...' but he said 'It's true.  Tom, do you want her?' and the lorry driver human said 'Yeah, I think she's the greatest' and the Volvo human said 'Mummy always said you were nothing but a cheap, little tart.  Now I know what she meant' but his wife said 'Rodney, I love you and I'm your wife' but the lorry driver human said 'Oh, forget the toff and come home with me.  Missus has left me with the two kids to bring up on me own' and the Volvo human's wife said 'Two kids?' and he said 'Yeah.  They're in the car.  Come and meet them' and the Volvo human said 'There, Rosemary.  You wanted children so you can have a ready made family.  The divorce papers will be in the mail and I'll see to it you won't get a penny' and she said 'But, Rodney...' and the lorry driver human said 'Forget him, Rosie.  You're comin' home with me' and he put his arm around her and they walked away and the Volvo human got back in his car - and you're still making that funny noise."

"Well she's probably better off without the toff anyway."

"I don't understand humans at all."

"So what happened then?"

"Then Sam got in my driver's seat and the Guv said 'Oi!  Who said you're drivin'?' and Sam said 'Start pushing'."

"So you were still blocking all the other cars."

"I was.  Then Sam spoke to me."

"He did not."

"He did!  He really spoke to me.  He said 'So you wouldn't start for the tosser in the Volvo, or the lorry driver, but I bet you start for me' and of course I started straight away and he said 'Knew you would' and he smiled and patted my steering wheel."

"So what happened to the robber?"

"Well they didn't catch him.  Sam said you can't catch a trail bike on foot."

"He's not wrong there."

"That's true.  Sam said they'd never catch him but the Guv had wanted to chase him."

"So what happened then?"

"Well the man who'd been robbed must have called the police 'cause a local Panda turned up while they were pushing me towards the road and the Guv had a word with the plods and they walked down to speak with the owner and I was able to make it to the road with a lot of humans pushing me and the Guv was pushing me too but my wheels were kicking up a lot of mud and he slipped and fell and he was upset about that."

"So you left everyone else there stuck in the mud."

"The Guv told the plods we had a real riot to go to and Sam told them to call for backup to try and get the other cars out.  After that we were off and Sam really put his foot down.  The Guv took off his coat and threw it on my back seat and got the rugs and tried to wipe the mud off himself with them and Sam turned my heating up to high 'cause he was all wet too, though not as wet and muddy as the Guv, and the Guv told him to put his ruddy foot down and Sam said he was doing sixty-five in a forty zone and he wasn't going to get them killed over a riot that was no more than a drunken brawl and would probably be all over and done with by the time we got there anyway.  Then the rain suddenly stopped and long before we got back here the streets were all dry."

"And you're a big, muddy mess."

"Yes, I am but I know my humans will take care of me and I'll soon be back to my nice, clean, shiny self and won't that be nice?"

"Just ducky."

*

Continued in Part C

Back to Life on Mars fic page