The Cortina Chronicles 13:
A Night at the Pictures
by Clonesgirl
It's 1973 and a drive-in theatre has just opened on the outskirts of Manchester, the Guv wants to go "necking" American style and pretty soon the clueless car is in big trouble.
The technical stuff:
RATING: PG Green Cortina
PAIRING: Gene/Sam, Sam/Gene and a bit of Cortina/Ambulance too
WORD COUNT: Part A: 4,370; Part B: 4,260; Part C: 1,730 Total: 10,360
WARNINGS: Crack, slash and drive-in food plus the usual running off at the mouth
SPOILERS: None
ARCHIVE: The Motley Collection
DISCLAIMER: Characters borrowed from BBC and Kudos strictly for fun, not profit. No offence intended.
BETA: Many thanks to beaususan for assistance with the newspaper article. Her knowledge of
journalism was invaluable. This fic is otherwise unbetaed and all goofs are my own.
FEEDBACK: Would be lovely, not to mention encourage me to scribble some more fic.
NOTE: If you wish to link to this story it would be much appreciated if you could let the
author know.
A/N: Yes, the clueless car is back. I wasn't going to write any more of these but it had other ideas.
Back in October 2008 I enquired if there were any drive-ins in Manchester in 1973. As it
turned out, sadly for all of us, there weren't. So this is a thank you to everyone on Lifein1973
who responded to that discussion and wanted Gene/Sam drive-in fic. Sorry it took so long.
Oh, and I was really going to tell the story myself too but the mouthy, four-wheeled eyewitness
insisted on telling the tale since of course it was along for the ride. I mean a drive-in is not
called a drive-in for nothing. *g*
The rest of The Cortina Chronicles may be found here along with my drabble collection (now
numbering 24), some of which have not been posted to the comm.
Also, although the Cortina is affectionately known as "Tina" by LoM fans, that's not its name
here as it's not female.
* * *
Part A: The Cortina and the Elephant
Saturday night around closing time there was a brawl at a local pub and I was one of the first ambulances on the scene. As the police arrived the fighting just seemed to get worse - football fans going at it over the results of a game - and the police seemed to be badly outnumbered. Silly humans fighting over a football game. I'll never understand them. Even my drivers had an argument about the match results.
Anyway as they helped the first lot of injured idiots into me I looked around but no sign of a certain divvy Cortina. Kind of odd, I thought, as it's usually first on the scene, being speedy and all. But of course I wasn't worried.
So away I went with the first lot and waited while my drivers helped them into Emergency. There was no time to clean the blood out of me before I was off to the pub once more where the brawl was carrying merrily on. Looked to me like a few more police had arrived and "brawl" had been changed to "riot". However, they still seemed to be badly outnumbered and still no sign of a certain dopey Cortina. Stranger and stranger. But of course I wasn't worried.
As I was about to leave with the second load I saw the blue Rover arrive and asked it where the Cortina was and it answered rather smugly, "Oh, you won't find it around here. Its humans had a date tonight."
"What do you mean 'a date'? You mean they were going out to dinner or something?"
"They were going to the pictures. The Guv said something about going necking, whatever that is."
Necking? I wondered. Now of course I know what a human neck is, but... necking? Hmmm... Was this necking something humans did in a cinema? I wondered. Couldn't remember my drivers ever talking about this necking business. Well if they were in a cinema they probably hadn't yet heard about the brawl - I mean riot - or so I supposed.
"So what's this necking thing?" the Rover inquired.
"You know humans," I answered. "It's probably something to do with sex."
"Yeah, you're probably right," it said, sounding totally bored.
"When it comes to humans everything has something to do with sex," Panda 3, which was parked alongside us, piped up.
"You're not wrong there," the Rover muttered.
"You're worried about that stupid Cortina, aren't you?" Panda 3 accused. "I keep forgetting you married the dumb thing."
"I'm not and I didn't."
"Oh, yes, you are, I can tell. That car is so dumb it's lucky to know left from right and you're all worried about it, but that's what happens when you get married," it said rather slyly.
"I am not worried about it and I'm certainly not married to it."
"Oh, yes, you are and everyone knows you are," the smart alec Panda continued. "Sharing a cosy double garage, are you?"
Those gossiping Pandas are right know-alls. Don't know how the Cortina puts up with them. Lucky for me it was time for another trip to hospital.
When I returned to the pub once more I thought surely by now the riot would be all over with bar the shouting but they were still fighting and still more police had arrived, but still no Cortina. At least the police finally seemed to be getting things under control, or so I thought. But then a big lorry pulled up just down the road and out jumped a whole lot more idiots heading straight for the pub. The police didn't even spot them until they were right on top of them and then it was on again, not that it had stopped in the first place, and they were fighting the police too who were hauling the healthy ones off to gaol. My drivers tried to persuade some poor sod who was bleeding something terrible from his head to get in but he didn't want to and he grabbed a plank and started to hit everybody in sight with it and they ran off after him. And still no sign of the Cortina, but of course I wasn't worried.
Well the Pandas, the Rover, the paddy wagon and the others were all ferrying the brawlers to the police station and when the Rover returned once more, complaining loudly that it had blood all over it, I asked if there had been any word from the Guv and Sam and it said it heard that they were now on their way.
After I carried yet another lot of humans to hospital and returned once more to the pub it appeared, finally, that the police had got things under control, well that is until a van arrived with some more hooligans. I could see it was going to be a long night. Not long after that a very dirty-looking car pulled up alongside me. Wondering why it was there, I looked at it. It looked rather like a Mark III Cortina but it didn't screech its tyres so I thought it couldn't be the mouthy git I know so well, but then Sam and the Guv got out and I realized that it was indeed the very same Cortina I was so familiar with but looking nothing like its normal, spotless self - and nor did its humans. Both of them were damp-looking and covered in mud, especially the Guv. Looked like Sam had been driving too which explained the quiet arrival.
The Guv muttered "Right. Time to get the scum off the streets, Sam." And off they went. I saw the Guv pick up a plank and he and Sam disappeared into the thick of it. One of the pub windows was shattered and there was glass everywhere now. A young plod who was bleeding badly from a gash to his hand was helped into me.
"Ducky, is that you? Where have you been? Everyone's been waiting for you to turn up."
"Oh, Ambulance, it was awful. I was stuck."
"Stuck in mud from the looks of it." Even as I was looking a large lump of muck fell out of a wheel well onto the street. "There goes some now. You are a sight. I've never seen you looking so dirty. You look like you've been in the bottom of the canal, but how did you manage that? I heard your humans had a date and were going to the pictures."
"Oh, yes, we went to the pictures."
"Well go on. How did you get all muddy if you went to the pictures? And how come you were out of range?"
"Uh, how did you know that my humans had a date and were going to the pictures?"
"Oh, that. The Rover told me."
"Well how did it know?"
"Well how should I know? You must have told it."
"No, I didn't."
"Well it must have overheard your humans talking about it then. Anyway do get on with it."
"Uh, what was your question?"
"How did you get all muddy if you were only going to the pictures? And why were you out of radio range?"
"Well I had a long drive."
"To the pictures? Spin the other one."
"It's true. The Guv and Sam were invited to the opening night of a drive-in. Sam said the manager is a friend of Nelson's and Nelson got them tickets and the Guv said the others were jealous 'cause they didn't get tickets."
"To this drive-in place. And just what is a drive-in?"
"Well they show films there and the Guv wanted to go 'cause one of them was Gene Hackman, whatever that means. Sam said it was supposed to be a real drive-in like they have in America. So we drove there and it was sort of a big open space way down off the road."
"You mean sort of like a field?"
"More like a parking lot. We stopped at the gates and the Guv showed the tickets and then we went through the gates and there were humans there telling the Guv how to park and use a speaker thing and there was this great, big white thing which was high up on a - well something, a wall I think - and there were lights too but they turned them off a bit later when the white thing got moving pictures on it."
"You mean to say you went to the pictures but it was... outdoors? How strange."
"Yes, I suppose it was. The Guv parked me in a row of cars facing this thing with the moving pictures on it and I saw that other cars were in rows in front of me and they were parked sort of facing upwards."
"Upwards? What are you talking about?"
"They were facing upwards 'cause they were parked on sort of humps and we all faced the big thing with the moving pictures on it. Then a human came over and got a box thing off a pole next to me and he lowered my passenger window and put the box thing on it and he told Sam and the Guv to remember to put it back on the pole before we left and Sam wound up my window a bit and it stayed on the window and sound came out of it like from my own stereo speakers only it wasn't coming from my own speakers, it was coming from the box thing. You know that my speakers are stereo, don't you?"
"Yes, I know all about your stereo speakers. Get on with it."
"Well after I listened to it for a while I noticed that the sound seemed to go with the pictures that were on the big, white thing where the moving picture was."
"Moving picture? You mean like telly?"
"Yes, but much, much, much bigger than tellies in shop windows."
"I think you mean a screen."
"Yes, I think that's what it was but the sound coming from the box speaker thing in my window didn't sound as good as from my own stereo speakers."
"Never mind your poncy speakers. I've been around this city a long time now and I've never heard of a drive-in. I mean an outdoor cinema in cold, wet weather? I'd be surprised if humans were bothered with it. I mean they do like a bit of comfort."
"I don't think I've heard of it either and I'm a Cortina and I'm very smart."
"You're thick as two tyres but go on."
"Not if you're going to sit there and insult me. I'm not thick as two tyres, I'm very smart."
"You don't even know what it means."
"Yes, I do. A smart Cortina told me."
"There's no such thing."
"What do you mean 'no such thing'? No such thing as what?"
"As a smart Cortina."
"Oh, yes, there is! All us Cortinas are very smart and we're stylish too from our vinyl roofs to our Rostyle wheels and you're being insulting."
"Oh, will you shut up about your poncy looks! And I'm sure I'll be sorry I asked but what did this other Cortina tell you?"
"Well I was parked next to a yellow Mark III yesterday and it had a vinyl roof too and lovely thick shag pile just like mine but a different colour and it said that another Mark III told it that there's no such thing as being thick as two tyres because two tyres together are not nearly anywhere as broad as a car, even a skinny car like a VW, so any car that says we're thick as two tyres is very dumb 'cause we're far thicker than two tyres. Why are you making that funny noise?"
"Is that what it told you?"
"Yes. I told you it was very smart. You're still making that funny noise... It also told me all about nelly pants and how they kill Cortinas."
"Nelly... pants...?"
"Yes, nelly pants."
"You don't by any chance mean elephants, do you?"
"Yes, nelly fants. They kill Cortinas."
"Elephants... kill Cortinas?"
"Yes, and you're making that funny noise again."
"Do you even know what an elephant is?"
"Uh... Something that crushes cars?"
"Do you know what an elephant looks like?"
"Uh... no. What does a nelly fant look like?"
"For a start they're called 'elephants'."
"That's what I said - elly fants."
"That's probably the best I'll get out of you."
"So what does an elly fant look like?"
"Big. Very big."
"Bigger than me."
"Much bigger."
"Bigger than you?"
"Oh, much bigger. And did this other dumb - I mean smart - Cortina happen to tell you how elephants kill Cortinas?"
"Oh, it said they crush them. You're making that funny noise again..."
"And you find elephants on the streets of Manchester, do you?"
"The yellow Mark III said there might be one around the next corner just waiting to crush us."
"You know you could be right, ducky. And did the big, silly dope - I mean Cortina - happen to mention where it heard this tale about elephants crushing Cortinas?"
"Oh, it heard it from a Jag. It said this Jag was very smart and told it all about how elephants crush Cortinas."
"And do they crush other cars too? Or it is just Cortinas?"
"Just Cortinas - and not all Cortinas, just the really smart ones, us Mark IIIs. You're still making that funny noise and when you make that funny noise I get sus... Uh, sus... Uh, what was that big word?"
"Suspicious."
"That's the word. I'll remember it this time."
"You never do, you silly, great, pampered ponce."
"You're sort of right and you're sort of wrong."
"What are you talking about?"
"Well I'm pampered, which means that my humans take good care of me - and they do - and I'm great 'cause the Guv says I am, and of course I'm Police Car of the Year too, but I'm not silly and I'm not a ponce."
"You are so silly you believe anything anyone tells you."
"But why shouldn't I? Why would they tell fibs to a nice car like me? And the Mark III that told me all about elly fants crushing Cortinas was a very nice car too so no one would lie to it, would they, the same way they wouldn't lie to me."
"You know the trouble with Cortinas? They talk too much and they never shut up about all their poncy parts."
"My parts are not poncy. I have very good parts all made by Ford from my vinyl roof to my lovely, thick, extra long shag pile in tan with apricot leaves and gold borders around every little leaf, though of course that wasn't my original shag pile which was lovely too and it was made by Ford, but the one I have now is even nicer. It's longer and thicker. And then there's all my wood panelling and my extra comfy leather seats and superb suspension and..."
"Oh, will you shut up about your parts! Do you happen to know where you find elephants?"
"Uh, no."
"In a circus."
"What's a circus?"
"Well I was once called to a circus where some human had fallen and broken a few parts. As far as I could see there were animals in big cages on wheels. Had a chat to some of 'em. They said they travel around and perform for the humans. I met an elephant there too."
"Was it crushing Cortinas?"
"Ducky, sad to say, as far as I know elephants do not go around crushing Cortinas."
"Yes, they do. The smart Cortina told me so and a smart Jag told it so."
"Ducky, the Jag was spinning its wheel."
"How do you know that?"
"'Cause elephants don't go around crushing cars."
"Not even Mark III Cortinas?"
"Not even Mark III Cortinas though I wish they would. Mind you, they might crush the odd human if they got mad enough, but they don't go around crushing cars, even Cortinas. For one thing they're kept in cages which is why you don't see elephants roaming the streets."
"Are you sure there are no elephants lurking around corners waiting to crush and kill Cortinas?"
"Never seen one on the streets of Manchester, ducky, and I've been around here for a long time now."
"But... But... why would anyone tell a fib to a nice Cortina?"
"'Cause Cortinas are great, big, gullible prats and they believe anything anyone tells them when any car with a grain of sense in its gasket would know that you won't find elephants lurking around street corners waiting to crush them."
"Uh... so what the Jag told the nice, yellow Mark III... wasn't true?"
"You got it, ducky. The Jag was spinning its wheel."
"Uh... how do you mean?"
"I mean having a bit of fun at the dumb Mark III's expense. Tell me: Have you seen any crushed Cortinas lately?"
"Uh... no."
"That's because there aren't any. And no elephants either."
"Are you quite sure there are no elly fants that go around crushing Mark III Cortinas?"
"Quite sure, ducky. None."
"Oh, I'm so glad! I was afraid I might get crushed."
"I wish!"
"Do you mean you wish I'd get crushed?"
"Perish the thought, ducky. Perish the thought."
"I'm not so sure about you 'cause you're still making that funny noise and when you make that funny noise I get sus... uh, sus..."
"Suspicious."
"Yes, that's the big word."
"Never mind all that and tell me about this drive-in place. What happened and how did you, the spotlessly clean Cortina, get all wet and muddy, especially since it hasn't rained?"
"Yes, it did."
"Did not. As you can see the streets are dry."
"But it did where I was. There was thunder and lightning too and Sam said it was pissing down and the Guv complained 'cause he missed Gene Hackman, whatever that means, on account of the rain. I didn't care though 'cause I got to see the first film - and it was all about cars!"
"You got to see a film? A whole film?"
"Yes, and it was all very exciting. It was all about racing. Formula One racing."
"You got to see a film about racing? I don't believe it..."
"Why don't you believe it? I want to be a racing car and travel around to all those racetracks. It was so exciting."
"Yes, you've said that."
"Well except for the terrible crashes."
"That might happen to you too if you were a race car, you know. From what I hear lots of them crash."
"I suppose so, but it looked so exciting. I mean all those cars winning races. I'm so glad I saw it. Now I know what you mean about Formula One cars. They are so fast."
"You're getting all excited just talking about it. Look at you - you're positively bouncing on your suspension."
"It was great! And my suspension is superb I'll have you know."
"There you go again, raving about your 'superb' suspension."
"Oh, I'll never forget that film and all the racetracks and all the great cars racing around. Oh, but they were so fast! I mean I go fast - I mean I go very fast - but... but this was so fast I couldn't believe it and it was like I was one of those cars on the track going one hundred and twenty-five miles per hour."
"I can see I'm never going to hear the end of this..."
"Tonight I'm going to pretend I'm a famous racing car and one of those great drivers is driving me around a race track and I'm going faster and faster and faster and..."
"All right, all right. So you know how to pretend you're a famous race car."
"Yes, and I'm going to pretend that I win all the races too and my human gets one of those big cup things for winning but of course it's really me all the time. I mean the cars do all the work, don't they. All the humans do is steer. I mean I can't understand that. How come humans get those big cup things for winning?"
"I hear they get lots of money too."
"But why? I mean it's the cars that win, not the humans. The cars should be rewarded too but the crowds cheer the humans, not the cars. Why is that?"
"Because humans are like that, that's why. They don't realize all the work we do, especially those racing cars. They have to work really hard you know."
"But do they get a prize too?"
"Well, they get well taken care of and I hear they regularly have all their parts replaced."
"Yes, but I saw a lot of crashes in that film too so I know now that a lot of them don't survive."
"That's the way it is, ducky. It's the same for every car on the road. Some of them are around for a long time and some aren't. Same goes for humans too."
"I hope I'm around for a long time and I hope my humans are too and if I was a racing car like those ones in the film I think I'd be around for a long time too."
"Or maybe not, ducky. You know you might be far luckier doing what you're doing and being a police car."
"You think so?"
"I do. You're a good police car."
"You really think so?"
"Of course, ducky. You're a very good police car. Everyone knows that."
"They do?"
"Of course. Now get on with the story."
"Oh, but those race cars were so exciting..."
"Oh, here we go again. I can see I'm going to get even less sense out of you than usual tonight."
"You remember ages ago when you told me all about race cars and I pretended that we won a race together?"
"What about it?"
"Well, I didn't really know what a race car looked like then, but now that I know what they really look like, tonight I'm going to pretend that we're both Formula One race cars and we travel to all those great racetracks and we win!"
"Do we now?"
"We do! And everyone says how good we are 'cause we beat all those other cars and we're the fastest cars in the world and it's so exciting..."
"Yes, all right, all right. Will you get on with the story?"
"Uh... where was I?"
"Watching a film."
"Oh, yes, all those great cars driving so fast... Well the Guv asked Sam if they were going to do some necking like what Americans do at drive-ins and Sam laughed and said 'Necking? I'll show you necking' and they climbed onto my back seat and started rubbing fuel intakes..."
"Snogging, you big dill."
"I'm not a dill. Yes, snogging, but they stopped after a while and watched the film 'cause Sam said he'd never seen it before and it had something called split screen which he didn't think films that old had and the Guv said he was surprised that Sam hadn't seen it and Sam said he must have missed it. Of course I saw all of it and it was great and it was so exciting watching all those great cars..."
"Yes, you've already told me how exciting it all was."
"Oh, yes, I have, haven't I. Well it was and I'll never forget it. So after the film finished they turned the big lights up and the Guv and Sam decided to get some fuel - I mean that strange stuff they put in their fuel intakes..."
"It's called 'food', you clueless clot."
"I am not a clueless clot, and you're being insulting again and I'm not saying another word."
"Oh, all right, all right. I'm sorry. Now get on with it."
"That's better. Well while they were gone I had a nice chat to the cars around me. We were all so excited from watching the race cars and everyone was talking about it and how great it was and..."
"Never mind all that. What happened then?"
"Oh, yes. Well they weren't gone very long and they came back with those crunchy things..."
"Crisps?"
"Yes, I think so, and something called popcorn and there was coffee and some chocolate bars and other strange things humans use for fuel. Sam said there were a lot of young couples there and the Guv said they wouldn't even see the films anyway, but I don't understand that. I mean why would young couples not see the films if they went there to see them?"
"Hmmm.... Maybe because they were otherwise occupied?"
"Uhhhh.... What does that mean?"
"You know - a human's favourite pastime. Your humans get up to enough of it."
"You mean shooting guns and making arrests?"
"I mean shagging, you great, big dolt."
"Oh, you mean rubbing gearsticks. Yes, they do a lot of that too, and I'm not a great, big dolt."
"Oh, do get on with it."
"Well when the second film started and they turned the lights off again Sam said he was getting cold so he climbed onto my back seat and the Guv did too and they put the rugs over them. Did I tell you they brought rugs?"
"No."
"Well Sam brought two and when the Guv saw him putting the rugs on my back seat he said that he hoped it was for hanky-panky, but, uh, what's hanky-panky?"
"You know - shagging."
"Oh, rubbing gearsticks. Humans have so many words for rubbing gearsticks. I wonder why that is."
"'Cause they're silly humans, that's why."
"Oh."
Well it sat there and thought about that and after a bit it said, "You know I think you're right. Humans really are silly."
"What? You only just realized that, did you?"
"They do silly things."
"They do indeed, ducky. Take this lot fighting over the results of a stupid football game."
"The Guv said they're all a bunch of tossers and he'll lock up the lot of them."
"So what happened at the drive-in and how did you get all muddy?"
*
Continued in Part B
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