The Cortina Chronicles 12:
Tales of Oz
by Clonesgirl
A strange, purple car with tales of a faraway land causes confusion all around.
The technical stuff:
RATING: PG-13 Blue Cortina
PAIRING: Gene/Sam, Sam/Gene
WORD COUNT: 6,700
WARNINGS: Some Aussie slang, pure crack and strictly satire
SPOILERS: None
ARCHIVE: The Motley Collection
DISCLAIMER: Characters borrowed from BBC and Kudos strictly for fun not profit. No offence intended.
BETA: No beta so if you spot any goofs please let me know.
FEEDBACK: Would be lovely, not to mention encourage me to scribble some more fic.
NOTE: If you wish to link to this story it would be much appreciated if you could let the author
know.
A/N: This is a post-Christmas tale and was inspired by thoughts of Aussie movies of the 70s -
movies that today are totally un-PC and mostly cringeworthy which is probably why they
never turn up on TV any more though they were not without humour. Movies such as
Alvin Purple (1973) - a sex romp; Don's Party (1976) - a drunken party; and
The Adventures of Barry McKenzie (1972) - an Aussie ocker goes to London.
* * *"What? You mean stranger than you?"
Met that divvy police Cortina again in a back street in Salford. As my humans went off into a building I asked it how its Christmas was.
"I got Christmas presents."
"Spin the other one."
"It's true. I got presents and I got petted."
"You did not. Cars do not get Christmas presents - and they don't get petted either."
"I do. And I got cleaned and polished too."
"Of all the pampered prats I've ever met..."
"Sam got me a new brush."
"A brush? What for?"
"Well he told the Guv it was for brushing the dirt out of my extra long, thick, velvet shag pile. He says it's much better than the old one and brings the pile up, whatever that means."
"It means your carpet stands up more and looks thicker."
"No wonder it looks so nice - and it does look thicker too, and shinier, don't you think?"
"I wouldn't know."
"Well Sam says it does and so does the Guv."
"So you got a new brush."
"Yes, and the Guv got me another new oil to try. Very smooth and thick it is too."
"Sounds like you had a good Christmas."
"I did, and so did my humans."
"And what did they get up to?"
"Well, you remember Sam said they were having visitors so he was cooking and the Guv helped him and then they both cleaned the house but the Guv was complaining."
"You mean about having to do the cleaning?"
"About all the dust. He was... What do you call it when humans make a funny sort of noise?"
"Humans make all sorts of funny noises. Which one do you mean?"
"Sort of sounds like achoo."
"You mean sneezing."
"Oh, yes, sneezing. Well he was sneezing and Sam told him if they did it more often it wouldn't be so dusty. Then later lots of other humans arrived and they were all putting fuel in their intakes..."
"Food and drink you mean."
"Yes, food and drink and I knew lots of them."
"You mean they were all police officers."
"Yes, I think so. And then later the Guv was talking about me..."
"You? Why would he talk about you?"
"Why wouldn't he talk about me? He often talks about me. I heard him talking about me and then he came out to the garage with some of the other humans and he was showing them the new oil he'd bought for me and they were talking about buying a Cortina too and they sat in me and said how comfortable and roomy I was and how they wanted to get the Executive model too just like me and they all admired my lovely Christmas decorations and played with my big gold balls and of course they also praised my lovely, extra long, velvet shag pile in tan with apricot leaves and gold borders around every little leaf and they ran their hands all over it so I got petted and isn't that nice?"
"You are so pampered."
"That just means that I'm looked after - and I am - and isn't that nice? And all the humans said I smell nice too but that's because of that little thing Sam puts in my ash tray that makes me smell all nice and fresh and of course 'cause of the Guv banning smoking in me on account of my lovely, thick, soft shag pile might get burnt, and that's nice too. And after all the visitors left Sam said he was knackered and I think they fell asleep on the couch and later they got up and had a midnight snack - well I think that's what Sam called it - and went to bed and rubbed gearsticks and the next morning they gave each other presents. I think these were the ones that were under the tree, and then they..."
"Tree? What tree? You never said they had a tree."
"Oh, didn't I?"
"No, as a matter of fact you didn't."
"Oh, well they had a Christmas tree. I could see it 'cause it was in the living room window and when they came home at the end of the day Sam would turn on the little coloured lights on it and I could see it through the garage window and it was very pretty and had lots of tinsel and ornaments on it and I liked being able to see it at night and I think that's where they had the Christmas presents."
"Well that is where humans keep them, at least as far as I understand it. I mean under the tree."
"Yes, under the tree, and then they started rubbing gearsticks..."
"Just how do you know all this?"
"Well the Guv came out to the garage and gave me some of that nice, thick, new oil he'd bought for me and then he'd gone back in the kitchen to wash his hands - I could hear the tap running - but he left the garage door open so I could see into the kitchen."
"You mean they were shagging in the kitchen?"
"Uh, no, 'cause the Guv came back out to the garage 'cause he'd left my bonnet open but he was looking at something else in my motor and then Sam was standing in the doorway looking at the Guv bent over my engine and then he came out to the garage too and he said "You shouldn't bend over like that in those jeans" and the Guv said "You just can't keep your hands off, can you," and then Sam said "Have I ever told you what a great arse you have?"
"Jeans?"
"Sam gave them to him for Christmas but I've never seen the Guv wear trousers like that before and he said if his voice got any higher he'd have to apply for a job at Covent Garden, whatever that is, but Sam said they'd soon stretch and how the sight of the Guv wearing them was making him horny as hell. Uh, what does 'horny as hell' mean?"
"Means he badly wants a shag."
"Uh, that's what I thought."
"Now what made you think that?"
"Well because the Guv was still bent over me and Sam sort of bent over behind him and the Guv said his arse wasn't safe in jeans with Sam around and then they... uh, well..."
"Shagged on your back seat?"
"Uh, no..."
"So where did they shag?"
"Uh... well..."
"You don't mean to say they shagged all over your engine?"
"Uh, well, they do like to rub gearsticks a lot and..."
"Well I never. Shagged right over your engine - and on Christmas Day!"
"Yes, and you know that funny-smelling stuff that their gearsticks squirt? Well it went all over my bumper bar and the Guv had to clean it off after even though he said it was Sam's fault so Sam ought to clean it off but Sam said the Guv made the mess so he could clean if off and... You're making that funny noise..."
"You well and truly got shagged on, didn't you?"
"I did, and afterwards they leaned on me and rubbed fuel intakes and... You're still making that funny noise..."
"You mean they were kissing."
"I can never remember. Yes, kissing, and the Guv told Sam that this had been the best Christmas he could ever remember and it was all because of him and Sam hugged him and they kissed some more and then the Guv said 'Think any of them were sus...' Uh, sus... Uh, what was that big word again?"
"Suspicious."
"Yes, that's it. That's a big word."
"It is for a dimwit like you."
"I'm a Cortina, not a dimwit and and we're all very smart and very attractive too, but how am I supposed to remember all these big human words? Anyway the Guv asked Sam if he thought any of them were suspicious and Sam said 'Well if they were they're not gonna say so' but what did the Guv mean? And why should anyone be suspicious?"
"You know all about it, ducky. Your humans have a big secret."
"You mean how they like to rub gearsticks and no one's supposed to know? Humans are so strange. I think that's why Sam had to hide the lube stuff they use and the Guv asked him where he'd hidden it and Sam told him to guess and the Guv found it."
"So where was it?"
"The Guv said he found it in with the dirty socks and said it was too easy to find and next year Sam ought to find a better hiding place and Sam said that next year the Guv could hide it and the Guv said he would and in a much better place. Then he said that everyone said the house is looking better now and how he told them that Sam was a good, little housekeeper - and he did too 'cause I heard him say so - and Sam laughed and said 'And you didn't tell them you do your part' and the Guv said 'Course not. Have to make 'em believe that's the only reason I keep you around' and Sam just sort of shook his head and said to come inside 'cause it was cold and they could make some mulled wine, whatever that is, and drink it in front of the fire and the Guv said that in the spirit of Christmas he'd let Sam show him how to make it. Then they went back in the house."
"They have a fire now?"
"Some nights they have a fire. The Guv says it's a nuisance and Sam says it pollutes and makes smog, whatever that means, but he says he likes it anyway."
"All that shagging make you all wobbly-wheeled?"
"Certainly not."
"I'll bet! So now let's see: You got new oil?"
"Yes."
"You got a new brush?"
"Yes, Sam tried out the new brush on my lovely, thick, extra long, velvet shag pile and it made it sort of all thicker and fluffier-looking."
"You got petted and admired."
"Yes, and the other humans were playing with my big gold balls."
"And did you get cleaned?"
"Yes, the Guv cleaned me outside and Sam did my inside."
"And to top it off you got shagged on and got drunk."
"Uh, well, I tested my front suspension while they were rubbing gearsticks."
"Any squeaks?"
"No. None at all. My suspension is superb as always."
"Why does that not surprise me."
"Well it shouldn't surprise you. I'm a very comfortable ride and I'm always telling you about my superb suspension and you see me often enough to know that I never squeak. But..."
"But?"
"I miss my big, gold balls and all my lovely tinsel. Sam took them all away."
The silly, great, pampered ponce sounded like it was going to cry.
"Ducky, I hate to tell you this but Christmas is over."
"Yes, but I like my decorations and all the humans liked them too."
"Never mind, ducky. You've still got all your other features. You know - the ones you never shut up about."
"Yes, I suppose you're right... and humans do admire my stylish vinyl roof, my power, my comfortable leather seats and all my wood panelling and my lovely, extra long, velvet shag pile in tan with apricot leaves with gold borders around every little leaf and then there's my Rostyle wheels..."
"Yes, yes, yes, I know all about your features."
"You looked nice with all your decorations too."
"It was nice being decorated and raising money for the hospital like that but they say they'll do it again next Christmas."
"I'm glad we'll both be decorated again. All the humans liked our decorations, didn't they. They all said how nice we looked."
"There'll always be another Christmas, ducky. So what are you doing here anyway?"
"Well, the Guv said some prozzie in a local knocking shop got roughed up by a punter."
"Ah. Well that explains why we're here then."
"Uh... it does? I mean what's a knocking shop? I mean is it somewhere where you go to fix a knock in your motor?"
"No, it is not. From what my humans say it's a brothel."
"Uh, what's a brothel?"
"Somewhere where humans go to pay for sex."
"Sex?"
"Shagging, you big dolt."
"Oh, you mean rubbing gearsticks. And I'm not a big dolt, whatever that is."
"No, I do not mean rubbing gearsticks. I mean men paying to have sex with women."
"But... uh... why would they pay for it? I'm sure I've never seen the Guv pay Sam to rub gearsticks, well except for that first time when Sam bet the Guv ten quid for a blow job and the Guv took him up on the bet."
"I've told you before - that's because your humans are a couple. They don't want to go shagging other humans 'cause they're quite happy shagging each other."
"Yes, they are happy when they're rubbing gearsticks. So you mean other humans have to pay if they want to shag?"
"Not at all. Humans shag all the time. Why I've lost count of the times randy doctors and nurses have used me - and they certainly weren't paying for it."
"So... uh... humans shag each other sort of when they feel like it but some like to pay for it too?"
"That's about it."
"So what's a prozzie?"
"Someone who charges for sex."
"And other humans pay them for sex?"
"You got it, ducky."
"I don't think I'll ever understand humans."
"Ducky, I've been around humans a lot longer than you and I've seen them drunk and sober and I know for a fact I'll never understand them. It's just beyond us mechanicals."
"I'm sure you're right 'cause you're very wise but I'm not sure that I'll ever understand some cars either."
"What? You mean foreign jobs? You meet all sorts of foreign jobs on the roads these days."
"But this one was strange even for a foreign job."
"I'm not strange, I'm a Mark III Cortina. There's lots of us on the roads and we're all stylish and very attractive too."
"All right, all right. So what was so strange about this foreign job?"
"Well first it said it was from some place called Oz."
"Oz? Never heard of it. Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure, and I never heard of this Oz place either even though I'm a Cortina and I'm very smart, but when I told it I'd never heard of it, it said that I was ig... iggy... Oh, what was that big word?"
"Ignorant - like you."
"Yes, that's the word - and I'm not ignorant. All us Cortinas are very smart and you're being insulting and I'm not saying another word."
"Oh, all right. You're not ignorant - well not this time anyway since I've never heard of this Oz place either."
"That's better - and I'm very smart."
"So what about this strange car?"
"Well, I mean where's this Oz place? Is it near here? The strange car said it was a big place."
"Did it now? What else did it say?"
"Well when I said that I'd never heard of this Oz place and it said that I was ignorant I said I'd still never heard of it and then it said 'You know - Horse Trailer'."
"'Horse Trailer'?"
"Yes, Horse Trailer."
"That's what I thought you said. Are you sure?"
"That's what it said. Said it was from some place called Oz or Horse Trailer. I'm not sure."
"You are a complete div. How could a car be from a horse trailer?"
"Uh, I don't know. Maybe it was riding in one? And I'm not a complete div, whatever that is."
"Well was it?"
"Was it what?"
"Was it riding in a horse trailer? And you are a div."
"Of course not. It was riding on its four wheels just like us. And I'm not a div."
"Well what do you mean maybe it was riding in a horse trailer if it wasn't?"
"Uh, maybe its owner used to park it in a horse trailer?"
"Is that what it said?"
"Uh... no."
"But it said it was from Horse Trailer."
"Yes."
"Do you know what horse trailers carry?"
"Uh... horses?"
"That's right. Horse trailers, or floats, are for carrying horses, so how could a car be from a horse trailer?"
"Well that's what it said. You mean they make floating horse trailers?"
"No, they don't. Well at least I don't think so. So what kind of a car was it?"
"A Torana."
"A Torana? Never heard of it."
"Well that's what it said. It was a Torana made by Holden and it was purple and it was from Horse Trailer which was someplace down under."
"Down under what?"
"I don't know."
"So it's a Torana and it's from a horse trailer which is down under... something."
"That's what it said. Wasn't very happy either. Says it's human brought it over on a big ship all the way from this Horse Trailer place down under something or other and it was on the ship for weeks down in the hold and it was very dark down there and it came over all woozy 'cause the ship was going up and down and its oil and its petrol and the water in its radiator were all sloshing around even though it was standing still."
"Well it must have been happy enough to be on dry land again."
"Uh... I don't think so. Complained something terrible it did. I mean about everything. For one thing it complained about the sunshine."
"The sunshine? What about it? Why would anyone complain about sunshine?"
"It asked where's all the sunshine 'cause it never sees the sun any more. Well so it says."
"Talk about spinning your wheel - mind you that's not hard to do. I mean where's the sunshine? What's it talking about? The sun was shining only last week. Remember that one sunny day we had?"
"Yes, I do. I told you it's a very strange car. Seems to think the sun should shine every day. And what do you mean it's not hard to spin my wheel? Are you being insulting again?"
"Never, ducky, and I never heard the like."
"That's what I thought too. It complained something terrible about the weather, said that not only is there no sun but all it does is rain, rain, rain, and it's afraid it'll rust away to nothing and its human complains that he can't go anywhere without a big brolly. What's a big brolly?"
"Beats me, ducky. Never heard of this big brolly thing."
"Well what does it expect? Sunshine every day? How silly would that be. Sounds like a real div."
"It said when they took it off the ship it was freezing and how come the weather is freezing when it should be hot 'cause it's January and it's summertime and I told it January is winter but it said no 'cause January is always summer and it's hot and there are big bushfires and Christmas is hot too and humans go to the beach."
"Going to the beach for Christmas? Never heard the like. Humans would catch their death of cold. And why would it think it's summer at this time of year? Must have a cracked crankcase."
"And what are bushfires?"
"Beats me, ducky. They must burn bushes in this Horse Trailer place."
"Well it said it hadn't seen a bushfire since it'd been here and then it complained that it never saw any surfboards either, whatever they are."
"'Surfboards'?"
"Yes. Do you know what surfboards are? It said that not only were there no surfboards here but no beach umbrellas, no eskies, whatever they are, and the beaches were all stony and full of shells that dug into your tyres and its owner said it was too cold to go surfing."
"What a whinging, whining car. Is that all it did - complain?"
"Well it said that its human took it for a long drive up the coast somewhere to try and find a real beach but the tide came in so fast it had to drive like a bat out of hell to beat the water and it nearly got stuck."
"Well that'll teach it. Whoever heard of driving on beaches? It's human must be mad."
"It said the beaches are dangerous here, not like the nice beaches in this Horse Trailer place which have hot, golden sand that was just lovely for sinking your tyres into and it made a nice crunching noise under them and it would sit on these big beaches in the hot sun and watch the waves coming in from the nice, blue ocean and watch its human surfing."
"Surfing?"
"Yes, that's what it said, and it said its roof rack was for carrying surfboards but it never gets to carry them anymore 'cause its human can't go surfing 'cause the weather is terrible and the sea is freezing and it should be hot 'cause January is summertime."
"Sounds like a right nutter. Any more complaints?"
"Well it also said that it's never seen so much mud in its life and every time its human takes it for a drive in the country it gets stuck in the mud."
"Well what does it expect? You'd think it'd never been stuck in mud before. Don't they have mud in this Horse Trailer place?"
"And it said its human hadn't been within cooee of bush tucker, whatever that is, since they arrived."
"Bush tucker?"
"That's what it said. And what does it mean 'cooee'? I really don't know what it was talking about but it did say there's lots of Cortinas there."
"What? There are Cortinas in this Horse Trailer place?"
"Oh, yes. It said there's lots of us around on account of we're made there and it was glad to see us here too so it didn't feel quite so strange but it said it missed this nice, warm Horse Trailer place something terrible and it had never been so cold in its life and where were all the Toranas 'cause it hadn't seen any others here at all, or a Monaro, or a Kingswood, or even a Falcon or a Valiant."
"A Monaro and a Kingswood?"
"Yes, and a Falcon and a Valiant. Have you ever heard of them?"
"No, ducky, as a matter of fact I haven't - and I'm beginning to wish I'd never heard of a Torana either. And what's all this rubbish about the cold here? I mean it's not that cold at all. The weather has been quite mild for winter."
"Well it said that its human was freezing and had to go out and buy all these warm clothes and a big rug for driving in and keeps its heater on all the time now. Said he missed going bush too."
"Going bush? What's 'going bush'?"
"I don't know and I asked it which bush and it said 'Beyond the black stump'."
"What black stump?"
"I don't know but I told it we have lots of bushes here and we might have a black stump to two so it should feel right at home. Then it said that in the bush there are all these animals but they all had funny names and I'd never heard of them."
"You're spinning my wheel."
"No, I'm not, and it said sometimes they'd cross the road and you had to be careful especially at night, but since it'd been here it hadn't seen any and where were they all and this was a very strange place."
"The only thing strange around here is you. Since when have you taken to making up tall tales? Wouldn't have thought you had it in you."
"I told you I'm not strange, I'm a Cortina and I'm very attractive and smart too, and, uh, what are tall tales?"
"Big fibs. You know, like when someone's spinning your wheel."
"Oh, yes, I know. You explained all that to me."
"Somebody had to. So what else did the strange car say?"
"Well, it said its human said that they drink warm beer here too and it was weak as water."
"Well how else would humans drink beer?"
"Well it said that in this Horse Trailer place they drink it icy cold and it knows that 'cause its human often puts an icy cold stubbie on it."
"Stubbie? What's a stubbie?"
"I don't know."
"So in this Horse Trailer place the humans drink beer cold."
"Very cold, it said. It taught me a word from this Horse Trailer place too."
"What word?"
"Strewth."
"You mean they speak another language there?"
"Uh... well they don't seem to speak like us."
"So what does 'strewth' mean?"
"Well I asked and it said like 'crikey'."
"I think I'll stick to 'crikey'. So what else did it have to say?"
"Well it called me 'mate'. It said 'G'day, mate.'"
"So did you see its human?"
"No. He hadn't come back when we left the shops. The Torana said he'd gone to try and find a meat pie and was complaining that there wasn't a decent meat pie in the whole country."
"Well I never."
"I told you it was strange. Reckoned its human was looking for something called a Big Ben."
"The clock? I thought you said he was looking for a meat pie."
"Yes, he was - looking for a pie I mean."
"Well what's Big Ben got to do with meat pies?"
"Uhhh..."
"You are a such a dope. Big Ben is a big old clock in London so if its human is looking for Big Ben he's not going to find it around here, is he?"
"Oh, I see what you mean now. Well if I ever see the Torana again I'll tell it its human needs to go to London to find Big Ben. And I'm not a dope, whatever that is."
"Did you tell it you were a police car?"
"I did, and it said it didn't like cops but I seemed like a nice car and I said I was a very nice car and I told it all about my great features such as my lovely, thick shag pile carpet in tan with apricot leaves and gold borders around every little leaf and all my lovely wood panelling and leather seats, not to mention my very powerful 2000GT engine and my superb suspension..."
"Yes, yes, I know all about your features on account of you never shut up about them."
"Well it said that it was very fast too and the cops could never catch it. Said it once did a uwie..."
"A what?"
"A uwie. I asked it what a uwie was but it said that I was a couple of tinnies short, whatever that means."
"So what's a 'uwie'?"
"A u-turn."
"A u-turn is a uwie?"
"That's what it said."
"Never heard a u-turn called a uwie before."
"I told you it was strange. Said it once did a uwie in the middle of the Harbour Bridge, whatever that is, and the cops chased it but they couldn't catch it. Of course I told it I was a very important police car and I was very fast too and I could catch it so it had better not do any uwies around here. Then it said its human couldn't find any lamingtons."
"'Lamingtons'?"
"Yes, that's what it said."
"Hmm. I'm sure I'll be sorry I asked but did it happen to tell you what a lamington is?"
"Uh, no, just that its human couldn't find any and he couldn't find something called a sav either and when I asked what a sav was it said a battered sav and when I asked what a battered sav was it said a saveloy of course, but I've never heard of a battered sav, have you?"
"Have to admit I haven't, ducky. So a sav is something you bash?"
"I suppose so. It also asked if there were any milk bars around 'cause its human couldn't find any of them either."
"A battered sav and a milk bar - are you sure?"
"Yes, and he couldn't find any pavs either."
"A pav?"
"Yes, and when I asked it what a pav was it said 'A pavlova'."
"A pavlova?"
"Yes, and I don't know what that is either. Have you ever heard of this pavlova thing?"
"No, I haven't, ducky. Well I must say I've met some strange vehicles from all sorts of faraway places but I've never heard the like. Are you sure you're not making all this up?"
"Quite sure."
"You know something? I believe you. You're too much of a div to make up something like this all by yourself."
"I'm not a div, whatever that is. I'm a Cortina and I'm very smart and I'm attractive too. Oh, look! There it is now!"
Just then a strange purple car pulled up across the road and its human hopped out and went into the brothel.
"Hey, Torana!" the Cortina says.
"Oh, it's you again. G'day, mate. And I see there's an ambulance here too."
"Yes, this is my friend, Ambulance Two. It's very smart."
"The Cortina here tells me you're from some place called Horse Trailer or something," I said.
"Horse Trailer? Good one, mate. No, it's Australia. You know - the land Down Under. The big, sunburnt country."
"Uh, down under what?" I asked.
"Other side of the world, mate, and down the arse end, or so my human says."
"And I hear you have strange animals there," I said.
"Not strange at all, mate. Kangaroos, emus, wallabies, koalas and wombats and stuff. Just your normal animals. You see them out in the bush."
"'The bush'?" I said.
"Yeah, mate. You know, the outback."
"Uh, out the back of what?" I asked.
"You know - the Red Centre."
Well, no, I didn't know and I was starting to feel as ignorant as a certain Cortina.
"And what's this surfing thing about?" I asked.
"You know, when you see humans riding surfboards. My human used to do it all the time but not since we came here. He reckons the waves are flat, the ocean's freezing and all it does is rain, so I don't get to carry his surfboards any more. Says he can't wait to go home to Oz."
"Uh, Oz?"
"You know, mate - Australia. Says you can't even have a decent barbecue here on account of all the rain but he's going to get one anyway - well if he can find one. Mind you, he doesn't seem to have much luck finding things here but he says he's going to show all these silly Poms what a real Aussie barbecue is and he's going to find some prawns too, but if you ask me he has Buckley's."
"Uh, so what's a barbecue?" the Cortina says.
"Mate, don't you know what a barbecue is? This is a very strange place. Cars that don't even know what a barbecue is. I'm always parked in the driveway so I get to see it all. You know how humans carry on. The men all stand at one end of the patio cooking steaks and snags and saying how we beat the Poms and the Windies and the women all stand at the other end making salad and talking about their boyfriends and they play a lot of loud music and they get drunk."
Well that explained what a barbecue is. Sort of.
"Uh, 'Buckley's'?" I asked.
"Yeah, mate, you know - Buckley's chance."
No, I didn't know. This Torana car was making even less sense than a certain silly, orange prat I could name.
"What are 'snags'?" I asked.
"Mate, you know what snags are. Don't come the raw prawn with me."
"So a snag is a raw prawn?" I asked.
"And what's a patio?" the Cortina asked.
"You know, mate. That place out the back where they have barbecues."
"And what are 'Poms'?" I asked.
"Well you ought to know," it says.
"And what are 'Windies'?" the Cortina says.
"You know - that bunch of big sooks from the Caribbean. Well that's what my human calls them anyway."
Well call me ignorant 'cause this Torana car had me as confused as the Cortina - and that's saying something.
"So 'Windies' are 'socks'?" I said.
"Not socks, mate. Your vents need a clean. Sooks."
'Sooks'? And my vents do not need a clean thank you. I get cleaned all the time. An ambulance has to be clean. And what's a 'sook'?"
"A sook? Like the orange Cortina here."
"I'm not orange. I'm russet bronze," the Cortina says. "And I don't think I'm a sook, whatever that is."
"A big, silly sook is what you are," the Torana says. "I can spot one a mile away."
"I'm a Cortina, not a big, silly sook, and I'm a very important police car. Are you insulting me?" the Cortina says.
"Are you a Ford?" the Torana says.
While the Cortina was thinking about that I asked the strange purple car how come its human had brought it to England.
"He got a job here working for his uncle and reckoned he'd need a set of wheels to carry his surfboards while he was here, so here I am. Besides, he's a big sook too and I know he couldn't bear to part with me. Says public transport costs a fortune here so he takes me everywhere though I swear by the time we go back to Oz again there'll be nothing left of me on account of I'll just be a pile of rust. Rusted away to nothing, that's what I'll be, and all he does is grouse. Said this morning that he couldn't stand another lick of this Pommie poison and he had to find some Vegemite or he'd do his nana."
"'Pommie poison'?" I asked.
"Something called Marmite. So that's why he's hunting for Vegemite."
"Vegemite?" I asked.
"You know that brown stuff humans eat."
I was none the wiser.
"'Grouse'?" I asked.
"You know - whinge."
"Uh, 'do his nana'?" the Cortina asks.
"Yeah. You know - go off his rocker."
Well just then the Guv and Sam came out of the building and they were followed by the Torana's human and my humans as well wheeling some poor bird in the wheelchair. She did look a bit the worse for wear all right. Sam was talking to her and saying that she shouldn't worry and they'd find the bloke who did this and the Guv said he'd teach him a lesson he wouldn't forget and he knew just where to find him too. Then just as the Guv and Sam got into the Cortina the Torana's human called out "'Scuse me, mate. You wouldn't know where to find a big ben would you?"
"London!" Sam called out as the Cortina roared off down the street, its tyres leaving a trail of smoke. The last thing I heard was the Guv say "Ignorant Australian. Can't even find Big Ben."
Well the Torana's human must have heard this too 'cause he mutters, "Not the bloody clock."
Then the prozzie in the wheelchair called out, "Hey, Ron! You come back any time, love. I mean when I'm not the worse for wear."
"Fair dinkum I will - and I'll find the ratbag who did this to you, Betty."
"Now don't you worry your head about that. You heard DCI Hunt and he'll teach the tosser a lesson he won't forget, you can count on it. He's very good you know, and that new DI he has with him - that Sam Tyler - he's very polite, isn't he? Rose thinks there's something going on between them but I said no 'cause that DCI Hunt, he likes the girls he does. Always has, so he's not the queer type, is he? That Sam Tyler though... I don't know. Different kettle of fish altogether. Anyway, don't you worry your blonde head about it. They'll take care of it. You come back and see us all soon. We all love a big, bronzed Aussie and I'll find you some real Vegemite."
"Aw, Betty, you're making me homesick," he says. "You just take care and get better and I'll be back before you know it. Gotta get back to work now."
"So what sort of work does he do?" I asked.
"Oh, he's in construction. And mining. Or sometimes he does a bit of prospecting - I mean when he's not surfing. He really does like the sheilas here though. Reckons they're real bonzer. Say do you have redbacks here?"
"What's a 'redback'?"
"Sounds like you don't. Well that's good. You see there was that night at the drive-in when he was on my back seat having a bit of fun with a sheila, if you know what I mean."
"A drive-in?" I asked.
"Yeah, mate. Don't you have them here? Humans take their cars to the pictures so I get to watch too. Lots of great cars in films. So anyway they're about to do their thing when she says it feels like there's something crawling up her leg so he turns my light on and she spots a redback and screams the place down. Well the thing jumped off her leg and got under the passenger seat where he couldn't get it. Clever little buggers those things are. Meantime she jumps out in her underwear and nothing up top, if you know what I mean, screaming 'Kill it! Kill it!' Well everyone starts getting out of their cars to see what the big fuss is about. Some bloke puts a jacket around her and somebody else fetches a torch and they hunt all around me trying to find the redback but no luck. Well anyway the sheila refused to get back in again on account of the redback might still be inside me, which it was, and went off with the bloke who'd put his jacket around her. She never did go out with my human again either 'cause she said the redback might still be inside me somewhere and he said he'd have me fumigated but she still said no way. So he'll be pleased to know there's no redbacks here - well except for the one in my boot which made the trip with me, had babies on the way and they all got out last week when he left the boot open - well except for one that got trapped in the door. Funny thing that. They fumigated me after I arrived but the little buggers were inside my spare tyre and survived. Got any funnelwebs here?"
However, before I could ask what a funnelweb was, what was a 'sheila' - though it seemed to be a bird - what was a 'redback' and what did 'bonzer' mean, they loaded Betty into me, the Torana's human blew her a kiss and started it up and the strange, purple car did a uwie - I mean a u-turn - and took off with a screech of its tyres saying "Catch you later, mate!" All that was left was a cloud of smoke - just like a certain Cortina I could name which is always burning rubber.
What a confusing morning. I'll ask the other ambulances if they've ever come across any cars from this down under Australia place. Then again... maybe not... I mean a place where humans go to the beach for Christmas, it's summer in January and the animals all have funny names? They'd never believe me. They'd say my crankcase is cracked. They'd say that's what happens when you're married to a dopey git of a Cortina, which of course I'm not and never will be, and they'll say I'm drunk and ask if we've been shagging again. Perish the thought!
Best not say anything. I mean a land called Oz? More like a load of dead batteries if you ask me. I bet there's no such place, never has been and never will be. Ever.
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