The Cortina Chronicles 11:
A Cortina Christmas Wish
by Clonesgirl
The Cortina's Christmas decorations seem to have a strange effect on the humans who see them.
The technical stuff:
RATING: PG Green Cortina
PAIRING: Gene/Sam, Sam/Gene
WORD COUNT: 4,730
WARNINGS: It's slashy and it's christmassy and a bit on the sweet side
SPOILERS: None
ARCHIVE: The Motley Collection
DISCLAIMER: Characters borrowed strictly for fun, not profit. No offence intended.
BETA: No beta so if you spot any goofs please let me know.
FEEDBACK: Would be lovely, not to mention encourage me to scribble some more fic.
NOTE: If you wish to link to this story it would be much appreciated if you could let the
author know.
A/N: Sequel to The Cortina Chronicles 6: A Cortina Christmas.
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Seemed some poor human had injured himself above a shop in Market Street so I was parked there waiting for well over ten minutes now while my humans tried to get him out. So anyway I'm still sitting there when what should pull up but a certain dopey git of an orange Cortina. Since Christmas was around the corner of course it had all its Christmas decorations. All those big gold balls and tinsel - didn't half look a site if you ask me.
"Hey, Ambulance! Fancy seeing you here."
"Well if it isn't Goldenballs," I muttered.
"Do you like my decorations? Aren't my big, gold balls just lovely? They're all bright and shiny. All the humans say how nice they are."
"I've already seen all your decorations. How are you anyway? All over your big carnapping?"
"Yes, I'm all over it now and the Guv cleaned out my boot where the dead human was, but I never want to be carnapped again."
"Nasty business that. And fancy using you in a murder too."
"And setting me on fire. Naughty toe-rags, but the Guv and Sam have them all locked up now so they won't be carnapping any more nice cars like me."
"Well I'm glad you're all right now, ducky."
As usual the Cortina's humans were arguing. Sam says to the Guv "You coming?" and the Guv says "I've done enough ruddy Christmas shopping to last me a lifetime. What is it with you anyway?" So Sam gets out and goes into the shop across the street and the Guv hunches down in the seat and buries his face in the paper.
"Sam is doing his Christmas shopping," the Cortina says. "So why are you here?"
"Some human got his foot caught in the floor and they're waiting for the fire brigade to rescue him but it seems they're all out fighting a fire so who knows how long this is going to take."
Just then two humans stopped to admire the Cortina's decorations. "Oh, Des, will you look at that!" the woman said, "Isn't that lovely? Maybe we should decorate our car like that."
"See? I told you everyone likes my lovely Christmas decorations," the silly prat says.
"Decorate the car? Have you lost your marbles?" Des says.
"But it's lovely," the woman says.
"Oh, give over, Jane," Des says. "I haven't got time but if you want to decorate the bleeding car then go right ahead."
"But, Des, it's Christmas," the woman called Jane protested. "That's a lovely job you've done," she says to the Guv who seemed to slump down even further in his seat. "Did you do that or your wife?"
"Well... uh..."
"We should do ours like that," Jane says to Des. "Might cheer up the old thing."
"I told you: You want to decorate the stupid car you go right ahead," Des says.
"Oh, come on, Des, it's Christmas. We could do it together," Jane says sounding hopeful. "We won't have to buy extra. We can just use some of the tree decorations. We've got too many anyway with all Mum's old ones. We could always spare some for the car."
The car in question - a kind of sad-looking, old, dark green Morris Minor that had to be twenty if it was a day - was parked behind the Cortina.
"Oi!" I called out to it. "You fancy being decorated for Christmas?"
"No one's ever decorated me," it said. "No one ever takes any notice of me."
Well Des looked at Jane and the Guv looked at Des and said "Better than gettin' nagged into an early grave."
At that moment Sam came out of the shop across the street and waited until some traffic passed before crossing over to the Cortina. Looked like he'd done some more shopping too as he opened the rear door and threw in a large package and a bag on top of the other packages there before sitting in the front once more.
Then Jane said "I've got a surprise for you, Des. I got my licence last week."
"What?" he says.
"You heard. So I'm going to be driving the car too from now on."
"Oh, no, you're not."
"Oh, yes, I am. You don't even like the car anyway and all you do is complain about it, so I'll drive it."
"Fine. You drive it, you can put petrol in it."
"I will," she says. "And I'll put some decorations in it too."
"See if I care," he says and leaves.
Sam gave her a thumbs up and she beamed at him before climbing into the old car with her Christmas shopping.
"I'm going to be decorated?" the old Minor says, sounding like it couldn't believe it. "And Jane's going to drive me! Maybe it really is Christmas after all."
When it pulled away with Jane at the wheel it sounded so happy I couldn't believe it.
"It's going to get decorated," the Cortina says. "And isn't that nice?"
Then my driver, Fred, comes downstairs once more and uses the radio to try and find out when the fire brigade would arrive only to be told that it was still tied up with the fire which was a bad one and it would be at least another twenty minutes. Then he spots the Cortina and its humans sitting there and goes over to it just as the Guv started it up.
"DCI Hunt, isn't it? And DI Taylor?" he says.
"Tyler," Sam says.
"Oh, sorry, Tyler of course," he says.
"What can we do for you?" Sam says.
"We got a man trapped upstairs on account of his foot's caught in the floor. You wouldn't have any tools we could use to get him out with, would you? I mean I wouldn't ask but the fire brigade's all tied up and we don't have the equipment and the poor man's in a right state as you can imagine."
Well the Guv kind of sighed and turned off the engine and they both got out and the Guv got the Cortina's tool kit from the boot and they went into the building with my driver.
"I'm glad my humans decided to help your humans," the Cortina says. "They always help people."
"More like put bullets in 'em you mean and my humans are left to clean up the mess."
"They keep the streets safe for nice humans and of course for nice cars like me. They're my great, big poof heroes."
Along came a human family - mum, dad and two kids and the kids stopped to point at the Cortina.
"Daddy, Daddy, look at all the tinsel," the little girl says and the little boy says "Look at all the balls!" and the little girl says "Daddy, can we put tinsel in our car? Can we?" Well the husband pulls a sour face and the wife says "Well it does look very pretty I must say" and the husband gives in and says "Do you kids want to decorate the car?" and the kids start bouncing up and down screaming about wanting to do it now and the wife says they can do it when they get home.
"See? That's another car getting decorated for Christmas and isn't that nice?" the poncy Cortina says.
"'And isn't that nice'? You would say that, wouldn't you?"
"Last night I wished that all the cars would get decorated for Christmas," the silly prat says.
Along comes a young woman who pauses to look at the Cortina, smiles, nods to herself and walks away. That'd be another one off to decorate her car.
Along come a couple of likely lads.
"Oi, have a gander at that!" the brown-haired one says. "You have to be kidding," his red-headed friend says. "Well it is Christmas," brown hair says. So red hair has another look in the Cortina's windows and says "I bet my gran would like that" and the other one says "Your gran? Since when do you care about your gran?" and red hair says "Mum says she's worth a quid or two now that Grandad's dead so we should be nice to her. I'll decorate the old bat's car. She'll like that. Aw, look at all that leather" and brown hair says "And look at that shag pile. That's gotta be an inch thick. This is the Executive model with the 2000GT motor. Vroom, vroom" and red hair says "Vroom, vroom, vroom. I wanna get one of them. I'm trying to convince Dad to buy one then I can get to drive it" and brown hair says "You think your dad would let you drive a car like that?" and red hair says "What he don't know won't hurt him, will it?"
"Well that's another car getting decorated," I said as they strolled away.
Along came a couple of less likely-looking ladies wearing very short skirts, very high heels and a lot of jingling jewellery.
"Oi, Sandra, will you look at that!" They both peered in the Cortina's windows. "Well isn't that something?" Then Sandra says "Hey, what if we decorated your car like that? You think the punters would like it?" "Yeah, sure, they'd love it," her friend says. "We might get some classy punters, not to mention decent tips," Sandra says. "You mean indecent," her friend says. "Now why didn't we think of this before?" Sandra says and they both walk away giggling.
"That's another car getting decorated for Christmas," the Cortina says. "And isn't that nice?"
"Well, ducky, at this rate you might just get your wish."
"I... don't think so," the Cortina says.
"What do you mean, ducky? All sorts of humans look at you and decide to decorate their cars for Christmas. Sam has really started something."
Well the gabby git sat there and stayed silent.
"What's the matter, ducky? I thought you were happy that other cars will be decorated for Christmas."
"I... I wished that you could get decorated too."
"Oh, ducky, that's very nice of you but us ambulances are just workhorses. They don't decorate us."
"Last night I pretended that you were decorated too and all those humans you carry to hospital said how nice you looked."
Silly, great, pampered ponce that car is. I mean ambulances with Christmas decorations? Now wouldn't that be just silly. Still... I wonder what I'd look like with Christmas decorations. Hmmmm... You know I might look nice with a few decorations - well not silly like a certain Cortina anyway. Oh, what am I talking about. Ambulances don't get decorated and that's that.
Along came some old codger who peered at the Cortina and said loudly "Ridiculous! Can you imagine someone decorating a car like that? Why I've never seen the like!"
A few other humans heard him and walked over to have a gander. "Hey, that's nice that is. Maybe we should decorate our car." "I bet my mum would like that." "Mummy, mummy, can we put some of the tree decorations in the car?" "Mummy, what kind of a car is that?" "It's a Cortina, dear." "But why does it have Christmas decorations in it?" "I don't know, dear. Maybe it's Santa's car." "Does Santa fly from the North Pole in a Cortina now?" "It's a disgrace," the old codger mumbled, walking away. "That's pretty," someone else said.
Then a taxi double-parked alongside the Cortina to let a passenger out and the passenger said to the cabbie "Hey, you should decorate your taxis like that. That's real christmassy." Then another taxi pulled alongside the first one and it had some tinsel on its antenna and some decorations inside. Well the first driver says "Oi, Roger, since when does your cab get decorated?" and the second one says "Since the missus thought it were a good idea. Reckons I might get more fares." "And are you?" "Yeah, reckon I am. Good tips too. Right clever my missus is. She even made me a Santa hat. See? Keeps my head nice and warm too."
"Well, ducky, there go the cabs. They'll all be decorated now too, you mark my words."
"But I wish you could get decorated too."
"Never mind, ducky. Maybe one day."
Along came a bus and was stopped in traffic alongside the Cortina. All the passengers seemed to be looking at it and I could see they were talking to each other and pointing at it. The conductor was looking at it too.
More humans kept coming along, saw the crowd around it and stopped for a gawk. "Hey, isn't that nice!" "It is not. It's ridiculous." "No, it isn't. It's nice. That's what it is." "Hey, look at all that Christmas shopping in it. I wonder who owns it." "That's right classy that is." "You just like it 'cause it's got big, gold balls." "No, I don't." "Yes, you do. Always did fancy yourself as James Bond." "Daddy, what are those things?" "Gold balls." "Daddy, can we put some in our car?" "We haven't got any gold balls." "But Uncle Eddie said you do." "Shhh."
Then a blind man came tapping his way along with a cane but he sort of bumped into the crowd around the Cortina. Then he wanted to know what was going on and someone said they were looking at all the lovely Christmas decorations in a car but he said he couldn't see very well so they all described the Cortina's decorations to him and he thanked them and said it sounded lovely.
Then along came a dog. Small, skinny black and white thing, tail drooping, ears flopped, and it sat down on the footpath beside the crowd looking at the Cortina.
"Mummy, can I pet the dog?" "No, you can't. It might bite." "Daddy, I want to pet the dog." "Well you can't. It's filthy dirty and it's probably got fleas. Now come along." "But, Daddy..." "Mummy, can I feed the dog?" "Oh, all right. Here, give it a bit of ham." The dog ate it and wanted more. "Mummy, can I keep the dog?" "No, you can't." "But he's hungry. He wants more ham." "Here, you can give him one more piece and that's all." "Mummy, can we take him home? Please? Oh, please?" So the mother and the little girl gave it some more ham and it followed them down the street with the little girl feeding it.
"You know, ducky, I think that dog's found itself a home."
"You really think it'll have a nice home now?"
"Yeah. The little girl likes it."
Finally, my humans come out of the building carrying the injured man and the Cortina's humans are right behind. However, as they carried him over to me I saw that the Guv was holding a pair of handcuffs. Handcuffs? I wondered.
"DCI Hunt, are those handcuffs really necessary?" my driver asks. "He's not going anywhere on that foot."
"I'll say what's necessary around here and this piece of scum's not called Breakout Bernie for nothin'. Escaped from custody twice now, haven't you, Bernie?"
"Don't know what you mean, Mr Hunt," Bernie says.
"And he's a suspect in two blags in as many weeks," Sam added.
"Haven't been nowhere near no blags," Bernie says. "I'm retired now, Mr Hunt, and I lead a respectable life breedin' Yorkshire terriers."
"Yorkshire terriers? You wouldn't know a Yorkshire terrier if it gnawed on your knackers. Anyway, we've got witnesses," the Guv says.
"And we've got the evidence," Sam says, waving a large leather bag in the man's face. "Excellent hiding place too. We might never have found the loot if you hadn't got your foot caught in the ceiling of the floor below."
"So you're gettin' a proper police escort," the Guv says.
"Just like royalty," Sam says.
"Well this is a fine how do you do," I say to the silly Cortina. "Trust your humans. They go to help my humans help some poor sod with his foot caught in the floor and what do they do? They arrest the bloke - and at Christmas too."
"My humans are great, big poof heroes. They arrest the naughty toe-rags and keep the streets safe."
"So you're always telling me."
Meantime the crowd around the Cortina noticed my humans bring Breakout Bernie out of the building and a woman came over brandishing an umbrella.
"Just what are you doing there?" she says to the Guv. "Are those handcuffs? Are you arresting this poor man?"
The rest of the crowd also came over now to see what the fuss was about.
"I'm innocent I tell you," Breakout Bernie says. "You've got the wrong man."
"How dare you arrest an innocent man!" the loudmouth woman says.
"And at Christmas," another person says.
"Where's your Christmas spirit?" someone else says.
"It's disgraceful," someone else says.
"Never trust a copper," someone else says. "They fit up decent folk."
"Look here, love, Breakout Bernie will have your handbag quicker 'n' you can say Oliver Twist," the Guv says to the loudmouth woman. "So, with all due respect, shut your ruddy cakehole."
"Now you look here, you very rude person..." she says.
"DCI Hunt, love," the Guv says.
"Don't you 'love' me," the loudmouth woman says.
"Count on it," the Guv says.
"Well I never!" she says.
"More 'n likely," the Guv says, putting the cuffs on Breakout Bernie.
So the Guv and Sam walk towards the Cortina while my humans load Breakout Bernie into me, but that's when the man decided to live up to his name and make a break for it. Just as my humans are shutting my rear doors he jumps off the stretcher and hops away on one foot. So my driver shouts "Oi, you'll injure your foot worse!"
Well the Guv and Sam hear this, turn around and see Breakout Bernie living up to his name as he hops off down the street holding onto the walls and shop fronts with his handcuffed hands. Well the Guv goes to run after him but Sam tells him to hold on and reaches for a package on the back seat of the Cortina. Then he and the Guv run after Breakout Bernie but before they get anywhere near him Sam lobs the package at him, hits him over the head and the man falls flat on his face in a moaning heap.
"That'll teach you to try hopscotch, Bernie," the Guv says as my humans, having now caught up, put the stretcher down beside him and help him onto it once more.
"That's a nasty sprain you've got there, Bernie," Sam says. "No running for you for quite a while."
Then the Guv picked up the package that Sam had hit Bernie with.
"Christmas cake. You hit him with a Christmas cake?" he says.
"There's nothing heavier than Christmas cake, Guv. Trust me."
"Any old weapon in a storm I suppose."
"You're mixing your metaphors again, Guv."
"Well that's just typical isn't it. The police using brute force to subdue an innocent man," the loudmouth woman huffed.
"How'd you like to take him home with you for Christmas, love?" the Guv says. "He'd steal the food from your mouth, the money from your purse and the next thing you know your home'd be in his name too."
"Huh! Police brutality," she muttered, leaving.
Well the crowd of humans decided that the entertainment was over and left but then more came along to look at the Cortina's decorations. The Guv spotted them and kind of pulled a face.
"Bloody hell! This is all your fault, you and your ruddy decorations. What have you started?"
Sam smiled. "Can I help it if people like them?"
"Are you going to go all dorothy on me every Christmas?"
Well my humans loaded Breakout Bernie into me once more and Sam whispers to the Guv. "Be nice. Remember - it's Christmas."
The Guv pulled a face. "So you keep reminding me."
They pushed their way through the crowd and got in just as my humans started me up.
"Oh, is this your car? That's a lovely job you did with all those decorations," some woman says to the Guv.
"It were all his idea," the Guv says.
Well my driver starts me up and the Guv starts the Cortina and someone says "We're going to decorate our car just like yours." "And we are too," someone else says. "Me too," someone else says.
Sam waved to them as it pulled out, following me to the hospital.
Once there its humans escorted Bernie into the hospital and shortly a Panda arrived with some plods and they went inside too.
Once we were at the hospital lots of humans began to notice the Cortina's decorations - visitors, who all admired it; nurses, who all admired it; doctors, who took no notice; and various other humans coming and going from a busy hospital.
Finally my drivers returned just as three more nurses and half a dozen visitors leaving the grounds were admiring the Cortina's decorations. The Guv and Sam returned then too and the Guv was none too pleased with the crowd of admirers around it.
"That does it - they're comin' off!" the Guv says.
"Did you do all these lovely decorations?" a young nurse asked as the crowd parted for them. "They're really pretty," someone else says. "I'm going to put some in my car," a third person says.
"Glad you like them," Sam says.
Then along came three well-dressed humans who stopped to look at the Cortina.
"I say, Malcolm, look at that. What a good idea!" the woman with a black fur coat says.
"That's really nice," the woman in the brown coat says. "Why can't we decorate something?"
"We've already got decorations all over the hospital and the volunteers are all busy," the man called Malcolm says.
"Yes, but we could decorate an official vehicle," the woman in the brown coat says.
"You mean sort of like a mobile fundraiser?" the woman in the black fur coat says.
"You mean to raise money towards the shortfall?" the man called Malcolm says.
"Well, yes. Why not? We have to raise an extra twenty thousand pounds or close two wards. Times are hard, you said so yourself," the woman in the brown coat says.
"Well what do you suggest then?" Malcolm says.
My driver started me up and all three turned to look at me.
"What about the ambulances?" the woman in the black fur coat says.
"What a good idea!" the other woman says. "Half the time they sit around idle anyway. Why don't we start with that one?"
She walked up to me and asked if I was on a call but Fred said they were just going to lunch.
"Now just a minute - they still have to be hygienic and they still have to transport patients," Malcolm says.
"The decorations can be out of the way of equipment and patients. All they have to do is look pretty. You're chairman of the board, Malcolm. You can organize it."
"I'd have to call a meeting of the board."
"Oh, nonsense. Tell Joe to organize it. Have some signs put on it and some tinsel and stuff. People will give generously. Take my word for it."
Sam reached over to a bag on the back seat of the Cortina, grabbed it and started rummaging around.
"Gladys, tell me you didn't get more," the Guv says.
Sam pulls something out of the bag, gets out and walks over to me.
"How's that for starters?" he says to my humans and hands it to them.
"Aw, that's nice," Fred says looking at it - and it was a decoration. A lovely, little gold one with bells on it, and Fred puts it on my rear view mirror so the bells all dangle down. He jiggled them with his finger and they made a little tinkling noise.
I had my first ever Christmas decoration. Real nice it was too, and it sounded like I really was going to be decorated. And I'd be raising money for the hospital. I couldn't believe it!
"Ducky, your wish came true. You wanted me to be decorated and I already have my first one. Aren't you pleased?"
"Oh, Ambulance, you're my friend and I wanted you to be decorated just like me and now you will be. I'm so glad Sam gave you a decoration."
"I think he gave me one of your decorations."
"I have plenty and... well..."
"Well go on."
"Well... last night... I pretended that I shared my decorations with you and you were covered in gold balls and tinsel and you said how much you liked it."
Silly prat that car is, but as it sat there feeling pleased with itself I realized that as much as it called me its friend, well I thought of it as my friend too.
Well the three humans were still discussing plans to decorate us ambulances and what sort of signs we should have on us and the Guv and Sam were sitting in the Cortina.
"So what is it with you and all these girly decorations?" the Guv says.
"I never used to care about Christmas one way or another. I mean there was my mum and I'd always see her at Christmas but, other than that, I used to think it was nothing more than crass commercialism. Now... it's different."
"Different how?"
"I mean now I want to celebrate it with you."
"You mean to tell me all this...?"
"... is because of you."
The Guv kind of shook his head. "What am I gonna do with you, Gladys?"
"You can take me to lunch. I'm starved."
"Lunch it is. If your scrawny arse gets any skinnier you'll disappear down the bog hole."
With a screech of its tyres the Cortina took off and I wished it a merry Christmas with its humans.
Well the very next day they started to decorate me - me, a plain old ambulance - and I was all bright and shiny in red, gold and green decorations. Two days later they put signs on me saying that I was raising money for the children's ward. All the other ambulances got decorated too, each one dedicated to raising money for a different ward. We all looked so bright and shiny and the press came and took pictures of us so we were in the papers and I heard we were on telly too and lots of humans put money in special red money boxes we all carried. One old man who stopped to talk to my drivers even wrote a cheque for a hundred quid. They said that I raised the most money of all and everyone seemed to be very pleased. Also, my drivers said the hospital will be able to keep the two wards open after all.
Humans have an odd word - coincidence - and I can't help but wonder about it. I suppose it was just a coincidence that Sam went and decorated the Cortina with all that tinsel and gold balls, which suited it just fine, and then it wished that all the other cars around would be decorated too, and then all those other humans saw its decorations and decided to decorate their cars too, so lots of cars got decorated this Christmas. And I suppose it was another coincidence that the poncy git wished that I'd be decorated just like it is and now I am - and I must say I like my bright, shiny Christmas decorations very much. Humans like them too. In fact I'll be sorry when Christmas is over and they take them all down but I hear talk that they'll do it again next year too only bigger and better on account of this was kind of a rush job.
So, like I say, it's what humans call a coincidence, isn't it? Well I mean it has to be, doesn't it? Well it had better be a coincidence 'cause if that silly, pampered Cortina does any more pretending, or has any more wishes come true, I'll end up sharing a double garage with it. What a frightening thought! I should never have taught that car how to pretend.
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