The Cortina Chronicles 10:
The Road to Hyde
by Clonesgirl
After six days had passed during which I still couldn't find out if the Cortina was still in one piece or not, I finally saw the poncy git once more - and all in one piece - at the sight of a robbery.
"Ducky! I thought you'd been crushed."
"Oh, no, I'm all right. I'm always all right."
"But I heard that a couple of cars got crushed out on the Hyde Road and I haven't seen you since that night so I thought it might have been you."
"Oh, no, I never get crushed but Pandas Three and Four did. They've both had to get new windscreens and have a bit of panel beating. Sam told the Guv that this was his chance to get two new fast cars and get rid of them for good but the Guv said no chance. No money in the budget, whatever that means."
"Sam must be a good driver."
"How do you mean?"
"Well he seems to have kept you safe."
"Yes, he did. He had to swerve me real sharp to avoid that big lorry though."
"Sounds dangerous."
"I suppose it was but I was excited. I knew I'd be able to help my humans catch it."
"I'll say one thing for you - you're fearless."
"Uh... 'fearless'? What does that mean?"
"Means you're not afraid of anything."
"Why should I be? I'm a Mark III Cortina, I'm powerful, I'm very strong and I'm a very important police car."
"Yeah, well the other cars weren't as lucky as you."
"The Guv warned their drivers not to get too close to that big, nasty lorry but they did and it backed into them and I heard all the crunching, scraping noises and their humans were shouting for help. It was very bad."
"But where have you been? Nobody's seen you for days. No one knew what'd happened to you or if you'd been crushed."
"Oh, I've been away. The Guv and Sam went to Liverpool to question some human who was wanted for some blag or other so I had a nice drive to Liverpool but it turned out there was some mixup and after being there for a couple of days waiting for the prisoner to arrive from Glasgow, but he didn't arrive, we went to Glasgow to question him but he'd escaped so then we helped to catch him."
"Glasgow?"
"The Guv said we had to go to Glasgow."
"You went all the way to Scotland?"
"No, just Glasgow."
"Glasgow is in Scotland, you silly, great, pampered ponce."
"Oh. I thought it was a long drive. And I'm not a silly, great, pampered ponce. I'm a Cortina and I'm very smart. Uh... Glasgow is in Scotland?"
"Yes, it's in Scotland."
"Is that why the Glasgow police cars spoke funny?"
"How do you mean?"
"Well I only met two of them - a Vauxhall and a Hillman. They talked very strange and said they didn't want any uppity Cortinas with airs and graces around there but I told them I was not uppity at all 'cause I've been lowered two inches so I hold the road better on my snazzy Rostyle wheels which they only make for us Cortinas but I don't think they believed me."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well 'cause they laughed at me and called me a big, southern sissy, which wasn't very nice, and I told them that I wasn't a sissy at all and I was a very important police car and then they said that a southern, shagpiled nancy like me wouldn't last a week there and I said that my humans take very good care of my lovely, soft shag pile and then they said my humans must be a pair of sissy southern poofs but I told them that my humans are great, big, poof heroes so they sniggered some more and then one said 'Told you so'. At least the police cars in Liverpool were nice and they admired all my features and said they wished they had a nice Cortina like me and isn't that nice?"
"So after all that did the Guv and Sam get to question the blagger?"
"Oh, yes, they caught him. It was all very exciting and there was a big chase and I got to show the Glasgow police cars how fast I could go and after that they stopped calling me a southern sissy and isn't that nice? So I've had a very long drive and it was lovely but Sam didn't think so and he was complaining that all it did was rain, rain and rain but he said global warming hasn't started yet, whatever that is."
"Well that's all very interesting I'm sure but start from when I last saw you out on the Hyde Road. Sam was driving and you took off heading for Hyde."
"Oh, yes. Well Sam put his foot down and I caught up to Panda Three which was still on the tail of the lorry which was still refusing to stop. The Guv told Sam to get up beside the Panda and Sam tooted my horn at it and we pulled alongside and the Guv shouted out the window at them and the driver said to watch out 'cause the lorry driver was a psycho, whatever that is, and had a gun too and the Guv said 'Bollocks! You're a pair of poofs' and then he told Sam to pull alongside the lorry and he'd jump onto it and Sam said 'Are you bloody mad? They've got guns!' and the Guv said 'Just do it', but then the lorry stopped all of a sudden like and there was a terrible crash 'cause Panda Three went straight into its tail and there was this awful crunching noise."
"Poor old Panda Three. So what happened then?"
"Well the lorry took off again and the Guv told Panda Four to get after it and we stopped to see to Panda Three."
"So how was Panda Three?"
"Not good. Its windscreen was all cracked on one side and there was a big dent in its bonnet. It wasn't happy at all but I told it all it needed was a bit of panel beating for its bonnet and a new windscreen and it'd be back on the road again in no time at all. It said the lorry was very dangerous and to watch out and I told it how it had stopped dead in front of me earlier and I might have hit it too but Sam was a good driver and saved me and it said it hoped I was able to catch it and I said I would with the help of Panda Four. The officer in it had that red stuff coming out of him too. That stuff you said was like oil."
"Blood."
"Oh, yes, blood. I can never remember. Anyway it was coming out of his face. The Guv asked him if the car was still driveable so he tried it and it was all right - well its motor was all right - and Sam told him to get to hospital and the Guv told him, on his way back, to make sure the tow truck had arrived for the van with the stolen stereos. So he turned around Panda Three and it drove off slowly back the way we came. So then we were off again."
"So that was one of the Pandas out of action and you were still headed to Hyde."
"Yes, still headed to Hyde. We were a long way from CID now. So we caught up to the lorry again with Panda Four on its tail and the Guv said 'We'll bloody get the bastards if it takes all night' and Sam says they should call Hyde for backup but the Guv tells Sam to get in front of the lorry and trap it, but before he could the lorry turned off into a side street and went down a long hill and Sam stamped his foot on my accelerator and I passed it but the road went around to the right then and we're coming up to a level crossing and it's flashing but the gates were open - well one of them was."
"You mean the gates on one side?"
"Yes, on my side. The gates on the other side were closed."
"Must have been broken."
"I don't know but they were open and the Guv says 'We've got the bastard now! He's stuck!' but when Sam stops me the lorry comes up behind me and it bumps me!"
"It bumped you?"
"It bumped me."
"Of all the cheek."
Sam said 'Shit!' and then it started to push me towards the railway lines and the Guv gets his gun and he's saying 'Bloody hell, he's seen Duel+' and Sam says 'What?' and the Guv shouts 'I'll fix the bastards!' and Sam says 'What're you doing?' and the Guv jumps out and says 'What does it look like I'm doin'?' and Sam says 'Guv, they're armed' and I'm still getting pushed towards the railway lines and my wheels are skidding on the wet road and the lorry is pushing and pushing me and I can see the train now and it's coming and I tell the lorry to stop pushing me and it says I'm going to get crushed by the train and Sam puts me in reverse so I'm pushing back against it but it's a lot bigger than me..."
"Not to mention heavier and more powerful."
"Well the Guv jumped out and fired a couple of shots at the humans in the big lorry but they fired back at him and he ran and hid behind a tree and fired some more at them and I'm still getting pushed forward and I told the lorry to stop again but it says 'Watch out, you puny, orange prat. I'm going to ram your fat arse right into that train' and I said that that wasn't very nice and I wasn't orange but russet bronze, my arse was not fat, it was very stylish and I told it again to stall but it said that I'd be crushed like an ant and it was still pushing me forward even though Sam had his foot on my accelerator so I was pushing back against it. Then the plods from Panda Four ran up on the outside of the lorry but the driver saw them and he leaned out the door of the lorry and started to shoot at them too and the Guv shouted at the plods to get behind it so they ran back behind it. Then all of a sudden the lorry pushed me really hard and I was on the railway lines and the train is coming so fast now and it must have seen me 'cause it was tooting its horn and I was scared but then the lorry went and backed up and it rammed Panda Four and I heard the scraping and the crunching and the windscreen breaking. Then the Guv shouted at Sam to save me and Sam quickly backed me up and turned me so I was away from the tracks and out of danger just as the train went roaring past."
"Ducky, that was close!"
"Very close. I don't want to be crushed by a train."
"So what happened then?"
"Then the lorry suddenly moved forward again but Sam jumped out and climbed up on the driver's side while they were trying to shoot at the Guv and he was shooting too and then the lorry stopped moving."
"It stopped?"
"It stopped. I asked it if its humans were dead and it said they weren't moving."
"That was far too close, ducky. There might have been no more orange Cortina."
"I know, but my humans saved me. They always save me. And I'm not orange, I'm russet bronze."
"Will you forget your poncy colour? That might have really been the end of you. You get hit by a train and all you're good for is scrap metal."
"Uh... I thought so. They're big and powerful, aren't they?"
"Yes, and they can't stop in a hurry either 'cause they slide along the tracks. You know I think that level crossing you were at might've been the same one I was called to once. Car got hit by a train there and it was so crushed I couldn't even make out what kind of car it was. Needless to say its humans were all dead. So what happened then?"
"Well the Guv jumped up on the other side of the lorry and pointed his gun in the window and shouted 'One move and you're dead meat' and Sam said 'They already are, Guv'. Then they both opened the doors and looked and the Guv told Sam to call for Forensics and ordered Panda Four to stay there. Then Sam told Plod to open the lorry and after they went around the back of the lorry he punched the Guv."
"Punched him? What for?"
"That's what the Guv wanted to know and Sam said it was for damn near getting himself killed not once but twice and the Guv said Sam was a right little bastard, whatever that means."
"It's one thing after another with your humans, isn't it. If they're not fighting the tossers they're fighting each other."
"Sometimes. And sometimes it's quiet and they'll be at home just cooking, or watching telly, or rubbing gearsticks, or looking after me - you know they always look after me though Sam is always complaining about my lovely shag pile and how long it takes to clean it and having to remove it and dry it and clean it and put the spare one in whenever it gets wet."
"Spare shag pile? You never told me you had spare shag pile."
"Didn't I mention it before? You remember how when I lost my original carpet 'cause it got all mouldy 'cause it got all wet under the plastic covering they put on it to try and keep it dry when it was raining for a week or so and Sam couldn't get the stains out of it so they bought this big roll of lovely, extra long velvet shag pile in tan with apricot leaves with gold borders around every little leaf and it was so nice it was even nicer than my old shag pile?"
"How could I forget when you're always reminding me."
"Well, the Guv said that every time it got wet they'd have to put rubber mats in me while my shag pile dried out 'cause Sam said not to put it in the clothes dryer 'cause it might shrink. So Sam said they could cut spare carpet for me, so they did. So every time my lovely shag pile gets all wet and muddy Sam takes it out and cleans it and the Guv puts in the other one, which of course is exactly the same, so I never have to have those awful, nasty, smelly rubber mats in me, and I always look stylish and snazzy and isn't that nice?"
"You are so spoilt."
"That just means that my humans take good care of me - and they do - and isn't that nice?"
"'And isn't that nice?' You are such a prat."
"No, I'm not a prat. You already told me there's no such thing as a Ford Prat and you can't fool a Cortina. We're far too smart for that. Humans say that my lovely shag pile is beau-ti-ful - is that how you say the word?"
"It'll do."
"'Beau-ti-ful' is a big word, isn't it?"
"Big for you anyway."
"Just what do you mean by that? Are you being insulting?"
"Never, ducky."
"Then why are you making that funny noise?"
"What funny noise?"
"Did I mention that other humans have said that my shag pile is 'gorgeous'? That means like 'beau-ti-ful', doesn't it?"
"Yes, ducky, it does."
"They all seem to admire my shag pile and isn't that nice?"
"So what was in the big lorry?"
"Well Sam said it was a printing press and it was for making counter money and there was lots of this counter money too, enough to flood the country with it."
"You mean counterfeit money."
"Uh, yes, I think that's what he said, but, uh... what's counterfeit money?"
"Illegal money."
"What's illegal money?"
"Far as I know it's humans who like to make their own money and it's against the law."
"The Guv said it was quite a haul and Sam said it was no wonder the lorry didn't want to stop. Then the Guv got on my radio telephone and told the Smith human to get Ray and Chris and Annie and some of the others out of bed and to find someone who could drive a truck and get them out here to escort the lorry 'cause he wasn't taking any chances with it and to send a tow truck for Panda Four."
"So who drove you home?"
"The Guv. Sam was falling asleep on the way home."
"It must have been very late then."
"It was. After four o'clock in the morning. When the Guv turned on my engine to drive home he said 'Well, we're in Hyde, you're old stamping ground' and Sam said 'So?' and the Guv said 'Anywhere you want to go?' and Sam said 'Gene, if I wanted to come to Hyde I could come here any time I wanted. There's nothing for me here now. Never was.' Then he pulled him close and rubbed his fuel intake against the Guv's..."
"Kissed him you mean."
"Oh, yes, kissing. I never remember. I wonder why that is."
"Why what is?"
"Why I can never remember what humans do with their fuel intakes."
"'Cause you're a div, that's why - and they're mouths, not fuel intakes."
"I told you I'm not a div, whatever that is. I'm a Cortina and I'm stylish and I'm very smart and they are too fuel intakes and they put all sorts of strange fuel in them."
"Rubbish. Loopy is what you are - and it's not fuel, it's food."
"What's 'loopy'?"
"You are."
"Well if loopy means that I'm smart and I'm very stylish then I agree."
"Oh, do get on with it."
"Uh... where was I?"
"Sam was kissing the Guv."
"Oh, yes. They were rubbing fuel intakes - I mean kissing - and then the Guv says 'Can't you contain yourself 'til we get home?' and Sam says 'That was for being a one hundred percent, bona fide, magnificent bastard', whatever that means."
"I think it means he loves him."
"Are you sure?"
"Who can be sure of anything with humans? But I think it was Sam's way of saying he loves him and, after all, he was kissing him."
"Yes, he was. So do humans only kiss other humans when they love them?"
"Uh, yeah. Well that kind of kissing anyway."
"What kind of kissing?"
"Well like when men and women kiss, or when your two poofs start kissing. You know, what humans call romantic."
"Uh... what's 'romantic'?"
"Something only silly humans bother with. As far as I can tell it means buying flowers and chocolates."
"Uh, but why would they buy flowers and chocolates?"
"To give to the one they're sweet on, you big dope."
"Oh. I've never seen the Guv and Sam buy flowers and chocolates and I'm not a big dope. I'm a Cortina and I'm very smart."
"Nah, your two humans don't bother with all that rubbish. Mine, on the other hand are dopes. Doesn't look like you got as much as a scratch."
"I didn't."
"But what about Three and Four? Are they being repaired?"
"Yes, they are - I mean they were - and they're already back on the road. The Guv wanted to get them replaced with faster cars like me but the Super said no."
"Figures. Nobody seems to have any money for anything these days. Well at least they have you."
"Uh... what do you mean?"
"At least they have one fast car."
"Yes, I am fast and I always help my humans do their jobs and they're very good at their jobs. They're very good at everything they do. They're my great, big poof heroes. They're very good at rubbing gearsticks too."
"Yeah, I suppose they do enough of that too."
"Sam says they don't do it enough."
"What do you mean?"
"Well he says he never gets enough and the Guv calls him a horny little sod like last Sunday morning when Sam was saying that the Guv should come back to bed 'cause he wasn't finished with him yet and the Guv said that Sam was a..."
"Yes, I know - a horny little sod."
"Yes, and Sam said it was the Guv's fault for being gorgeous and then the Guv kind of made a funny sort of noise and..."
"What sort of noise?"
"Well... sort of an oof sort of noise and Sam said 'Now I've got you where I want you, you gorgeous beast' and the Guv said 'You know what your trouble is? You just can't get enough of me' and Sam said 'Never get enough of you. You're the reason I'm here, you sexy sod' but... uh... what's a sexy sod?"
"Hmm... well with humans I think it's to do with looking attractive - well at least according to my drivers who are always looking at pictures in magazines and saying this and that bird is sexy when they're wearing next to nothing."
"Your drivers wear next to nothing? But I've always seen them dressed."
"Not my drivers, you dopey div. The birds in the pictures in the magazines they're always looking at."
"So a human is sexy when they're not wearing much clothing? Humans are so strange. And I'm not a dopey div, whatever that is. I'm a Cortina and I'm very smart."
"So what happened after you got home?"
"Well after all that getting in and out in the pouring rain my lovely, extra long shag pile was soaked."
"Never mind your poncy carpet."
"It's not poncy. It's velvet shag pile in tan with apricot leaves and gold borders around every single little leaf and everyone loves it and it was very wet and Sam said he'd take it out in the morning and dry it and put the spare in. Then they went in the kitchen and had a bite to eat, had a shower and went to bed and the Guv told Sam he was a good driver and he'd kept me safe and Sam said he told him he would. Then the Guv asked how come he hadn't seen Duel, whatever that is, and Sam said it was always on late at night and he'd always managed to somehow miss it and the Guv said it wasn't on late at night at all and it was a great film about a battle between a car and a monster truck and Sam said they'd buy it when it came out on video, whatever that is, and the Guv asked what was video and Sam said he was too tired to explain and he'd tell him in the morning and the Guv said 'Oi, it is morning' and it almost was too, and Sam said 'Later'. Then he said 'That's better' and the Guv said 'You love to go to sleep with my hand on your arse, don't you?' and Sam said 'Yeah, just like that' and they were silent after that."
"I'll say one thing for your humans - they're fearless too, just like you."
"That's a good thing, isn't it?"
"Yes, ducky. It's the best thing for all of us and I hope they'll be around to look after this city for a long time."
"And I'll be here to take them wherever they want to go."
"Yes, ducky, you will."
And somehow I knew that the silly, great, pampered ponce would be around, and I'd be around too to pick up all the broken humans after the coppers riddle them with bullets, and of course to hear tales of the silly car's adventures with its poofy humans.
* * *
+Duel (1971) was Steven Spielberg's first movie. Warning: If you've never seen it even the trailer is scary.
