The Cortina Chronicles 10:
The Road to Hyde
by Clonesgirl
Part A - A Merry Chase
A fight between Gene and Sam leads to the discovery of a robbery in progress.
The technical stuff:
RATING: PG-13 Blue Cortina
PAIRING: Gene/Sam, Sam/Gene
WORD COUNT: Part A: 6,260 Part B: 4,080 Total: 10,340
WARNINGS: Slashiness, cars and carnage but no deaths of main characters.
SPOILERS: None
ARCHIVE: The Motley Collection
DISCLAIMER: Characters borrowed strictly for fun, not profit. No offence intended.
BETA: No beta so if you spot any goofs please let me know.
FEEDBACK: Would be lovely, not to mention encourage me to scribble some more fic.
NOTE: If you wish to link to this story it would be much appreciated if you could let the
author know.
* * *
Saw that silly police Cortina again last night at the site of a bad accident way out on the Hyde Road where a van lay on its side half crushed where it had hit a lamppost. I asked it how it happened to be way out there and it said its humans had a big fight.
"What's that got to do with it?"
"Well that's how I ended up here."
"Another one of their silly quarrels?"
"Uh... well... the Guv threw Sam out."
"What? You mean Sam's not living with the Guv any more?"
"Oh, no, they're still living together."
"Well what do you mean he threw him out? Oh, you mean he threw him out of you!"
"Uh, yes."
"So when did this happen?"
"Well it was after they left the pub and it was late and they had the usual argument over who was going to drive me home."
"In other words which one of them was less drunk."
"Well Sam said that the Guv had had too much to drink so he shouldn't be driving but the Guv said that he could hold his drink better so he said he'd drive but Sam tried to get the keys from him and the Guv wouldn't let him have them, so he drove. Then they had a far worse argument and the Guv made Sam get out."
"You mean chucked him onto the street?"
"Yes, on the street. It was somewhere down near the docks. There were big buildings around - not houses I mean - but they all seemed to be dark. I mean there were no lights in them and there were no shops either."
"Not blocks of flats then. And it wasn't offices 'cause even a dimwit like you would know the city centre. Probably warehouses. So why were you down by the docks if you were going home from the pub?"
"'Cause they had a big fight. What's a dimwit? I've never heard of a car called a dimwit."
"It's like having rusty nails pulled out of your tyres..."
"So a dimwit has rusty nails in its tyres?"
"No, you silly prat."
"Good. That means that I'm not a dimwit, whatever that is, and I'm not a silly prat either, whatever that is. I'm a Cortina and I'm stylish and I'm very smart."
"Oh, will you shut up about your poncy looks and tell me what's your humans having a fight got to do with being down by the docks instead of home?"
"'Cause the Guv said he was going to take Sam to Hyde. And my looks are not poncy, whatever that is. They're stylish and snazzy."
"Never mind your looks. So why Hyde? What's Hyde got to do with anything?"
"'Cause it's where Sam comes from and the Guv said he was going to take Sam back there and Sam said he didn't want to go back there, and what's wrong with my looks?"
"What's wrong with your looks? I'll tell you what's wrong with your looks - you never shut up about them."
"I've been told that I have many attractive features including my fast Rostyle wheels, which of course only us Cortinas have and which have very good grip, and my stylish vinyl roof, not to mention my lovely, extra long, velvet shag pile in..."
"See what I mean? You never shut up about your looks."
"But I'm very attractive so why shouldn't I talk about my looks? After all, the salesman who sold me to the Guv said that I had class with a capital 'C', whatever that means, but I think it's something nice. Is it something nice?"
"Uh, yeah, suppose it is."
"So I have Class with a capital 'C' and isn't that nice?"
"Oh, do shut up about your looks and tell me what started the fight?"
"The fight? Oh, yes, the Guv and Sam were fighting."
"But what started the fight?"
"Some case they're working on and Sam said that the Guv was refusing to see reason and that Brown - they arrested him yesterday - was not the killer and it was no use beating the crap out of him and the Guv said that Sam's idea that Harris was the real killer was a load of bollocks and then they both got really mad and started shouting and Sam said that if the Guv kept beating Brown then all they'd have would be a dead suspect and the Guv said if Sam didn't shut up he'd throw him out right now on the street. Well Sam kept arguing so finally the Guv says 'Right!', slams his foot on my break and my good tyres skidded a bit on the wet road and he says 'Out!' and Sam looked around and said 'What? You have to be kidding! It's pissing down and where the hell are we anyway?' and the Guv said 'What's this, Tyler? Don't know your way around your own city? Where's that famous Tyler efficiency? Oh, but I forget you're from Hyde. Maybe I should drop you off in Hyde then. You'd know your nancy little way around there, wouldn't you. You could drop in on all your fairy friends. Think they'd be glad to see your skinny arse again?' and Sam said that the Guv couldn't be serious but the Guv said 'Right. I'm takin' you to Hyde' and he turned me around and we start tearing off down the street and Sam says 'No, you're not' and the Guv says 'Who's drivin' this car?' and Sam says 'Gene, you're drunk and you're not taking me to Hyde' and the Guv says 'Oh, yes, I am.' and Sam says 'At this time of night? And in case you hadn't noticed, Guv, it's pouring, so stop the car, turn around and let's go home' and the Guv says 'I'm taking you to Hyde right now' and Sam says 'Guv, I'm tired and you're drunk. Can we just go home?' and the Guv says 'I am not drunk and big-mouthed DIs need to be taught a lesson' and Sam says 'Guv, there's no point in driving all the way to Hyde just so you can supposedly teach me a lesson' and the Guv says 'And mouthy DIs need to learn that their DCIs mean business and they need to obey orders. Now shut it' and Sam said 'For God's sake, Guv, where the hell are we? This isn't the way to Hyde and it isn't the way home either!' and the Guv says 'I said shut it or I'll drop you off the nearest bridge. Fancy bein' fish fodder? All them housewives buyin' fish at the market and then they cook it and take a bite and wonder why it tastes a bit leathery so they slice it open only to discover it's full of black leather and bits of the late DI Tyler too' and Sam says 'Worse than an horror movie, you are. Gonna investigate my death, are you? In your usual slipshod manner? Gonna take bets on how many fish took a bite out of me?' and the Guv says 'Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you!' and Sam says 'You can't kiss me to shut me up when you're driving' and the Guv said 'Tyler, I'm not in the mood' and Sam said 'That's not what you said last night' and the Guv gets really mad then and he says 'Right' and he stamps his foot on my brake again and my tyres skidded on the wet road again and the Guv says 'Out!' and Sam's looking around at the dark streets and the dark buildings and all the rain and he says "You're just in a shit mood 'cause you lost at darts' and the Guv says 'Out now!' and Sam says 'Come on, Gene. You can't be serious' and the Guv says 'I said out!' so Sam undoes his seat belt and gets out in the pouring rain and he turns his collar up and he's getting all wet standing there."
"He must have felt the cold too."
"I think he must have. It is a cold night tonight and very windy too. After all, I was nice and dry and I was warm too 'cause the Guv had my heater on."
"So you left Sam there in the rain?"
"Uh, well, no. I... uh... didn't like them fighting like that. They haven't had such a bad fight in ages."
"So?"
"Uh... well I remembered what you taught me about how to cure my hangovers and... uh... well I remembered how to do it... and I stalled."
"Well I'm glad to see the city hasn't come to a screeching halt this time. Anyway someone has to tell these silly humans who's boss. So what happened then?"
"Well when I stalled the Guv got even madder and while he was trying to start me again Sam jumped onto my bonnet and sat there and as soon as the Guv started me again I stalled again. So the Guv couldn't see out of my nice, big windscreen 'cause now Sam's sitting right in front of it so he rolls down the window and shouts 'Tyler, get off there!' and Sam says 'Can't do that, Guv. I've decided I'm spending the night right here' and the Guv says 'Tyler, get off the ruddy car!' and Sam says 'I'm quite comfortable here, thank you' and the Guv says 'Tyler, if you don't get off there this minute I swear...' and Sam says 'You swear what, Gene? What're you gonna do, huh?' and the Guv says 'You conniving, little, Man United-supporting prick', whatever that means, and Sam says 'Oh, you can do better than that, Guv.' So the Guv tries to start me again and I stalled again and he said I was a 'bastard motor', whatever that means, but I don't think it was very nice..."
"Oh, you don't, do you?"
"No, I don't. Then he says 'Right!' and he gets out and he tries to grab Sam but Sam slid over my wet bonnet to the other side and jumps off and runs around me and the Guv chases him."
"Ducky, I hate to tell you this but your humans are running on flat batteries. Here you are on a dark street in the middle of the night, it's pouring rain and they're chasing each other around you."
"Uh... well, I sometimes wonder, I mean, if other humans act like that."
"Most don't, but yours? They're a spark plug short of a set, the both of them. So what happened then?"
"Well Sam runs right around me and jumps in and locks the door, releases my hand brake and starts me..."
"And you started for him?"
"Oh, yes, I always start for Sam. Then the Guv is trying to open my door and shouting 'Tyler, don't you dare!' and we took off and the Guv was running after me and shouting at Sam to stop and calling him a lot of names but I don't think any of them were very nice. You're making that funny noise..."
"The Guv must have been very mad."
"Oh, he was - but so was Sam. So Sam drives down the road a little and we stop there. Then he grabs a towel off my rear seat and wipes his face and hair with it and then he wipes the front of his jacket too. Then he turned around again and looked to see if the Guv was coming and I can see the Guv and he's running towards me but just as he gets near me we take off again and he shouts some more at Sam and Sam stops further down the road again and we wait for the Guv to catch up again. So while we're waiting Sam spoke to me."
"To you? He wouldn't speak to you."
"He did! He really spoke to me! He says 'That's funny how you stalled like that. I mean you never stall... except whenever we have a big fight...' and I said I did stall but of course he couldn't understand me. So he strokes my steering wheel a bit and says 'That little witch from the test pattern claimed she was speaking to you... Yeah. Said it was you and the ambulance. Or she said she was. Don't know that I believed her. And the ambulance ran over her clown... Well if you can talk I wish I could understand you like I could understand her. Did you stall deliberately?' and I said I did but he couldn't understand me. 'Nah. You couldn't do that, could you?' Then he shook his head and said 'Nah' again. Then he said 'If I didn't' know better I'd swear you didn't want to leave me behind' and I said I didn't but he couldn't hear me. 'Well, whatever's going on you're a good car' and I said I am but he couldn't hear me."
"He said that? He really said that you're a good car?"
"Yes. He really said that I'm a good car. He likes me even if he does complain about having to clean my lovely, soft, extra long, velvet shag pile and of course he's always saying how I use too much petrol. Yesterday when I was getting filled up he said that I guzzle more petrol than all the cars in Japan, wherever that is, but I don't think that's very nice, do you?"
"Take no notice, ducky. He's running on empty."
"Where's Japan? Is it near Manchester?"
"Uh, no. So what happened then?"
"Then he looked through my rear window again and said 'Here he comes again. Don't worry, we won't leave him behind. We'll just teach him a little lesson'. Then the Guv comes running up and smacked his hand on my wet boot as I took off again. You're making that funny noise again."
"You were leading him a merry chase, weren't you. He must have been very angry."
"Oh, I'm sure he was. So off we go again and I knew then that we were somewhere down near the docks 'cause I could smell it through my vents. So we go on down the hill and park near the bottom and wait some more and Sam says 'Well he could do with the exercise anyway' and I wish I could communicate with him but I don't know how to. I mean humans can't hear us, can they? But that little blonde human, she could hear us very well."
"Yes, but remember - she wasn't human so she could hear a lot of things that humans can't."
"Yes, I remember."
"I remember too. That and all the dogs. What a night that was."
"You are so smart. I mean getting that doggie to give her a fright and then running over her clown thing. That was so clever of you."
"Fate, as humans say. And at least Sam was able to get rid of her."
"She wasn't very nice and she called me 'Four Eyes' but Sam made her go back into the radio."
"Yeah. Showed her who's boss, he did. Nasty piece of work she was. And she reckoned us mechanicals were useless and silly. Well we showed her, didn't we? She won't mess with us again. Anyway what happened with the Guv?"
"Oh, yes. Well Sam turned around in his seat again and looked out through my big rear window and said 'Where's he got to?' but I don't think he could see much 'cause of all the rain."
"Your rear window would have been all steamed up anyway."
"No, it wasn't. My rear window never gets steamed on account of it's heated."
"Spin the other one. You do not have a heated rear window. You only get them in luxury models."
"Well I am a lux... luxy model?"
"You are not a luxury car. You're a common Cortina."
"But you said that you only get a heated rear window in luxy cars and I am a luxy car. Of course I am the Executive model with the 2000GT engine so that makes me the luxy model. The Guv likes my heated rear window too 'cause it gets rid of all the steam and he can see out of it and isn't that nice?"
"'And isn't that nice?' Small wonder you're so uppity."
"I am not uppity. I keep telling you I've been lowered two inches so I hold the road better."
"Oh, do shut up and get on with the story."
"Not if you're going to insult me. I'm not saying another word."
"Oh, all right. I'm sorry. Now will you get on with it."
"All right. Uh... where was I?"
"Your poncy rear window. Sam was looking through it - or trying to."
"It's not poncy, it's heated."
"Oh, do get on with it."
"Well Sam was kind of peering through my nice, broad, heated rear window and after a bit he says 'Where the bloody hell's he got to?' But of course I knew where the Guv was."
"So where was he?"
"Well he was running after me, but then he stopped and looked up a lane back up the road a bit and then he went up the lane and after a bit he came out of the lane again and that's when Sam saw him and the Guv jumps in and he tells Sam there's something going on in the lane back there and he's soaking wet and he's dripping water all over me and Sam tells him to take off his coat and throw it on the back seat and there's a towel there and the Guv says 'Since when do we keep a towel on the back seat? You planning on some hanky-panky?' whatever that is."
"You know. Your humans do enough of it."
"Uh... you mean arresting the naughty toe-rags and keeping the streets safe?"
"No, I don't, you clueless git."
"Oh, well you must mean shooting guns then. They do a lot of that too. And I'm not a clueless git, I'm very smart."
"Why do I bother!"
"Well you must mean arguing. They do a lot of that too."
"No, I don't mean arguing."
"Well you must mean rubbing fuel intakes then. They do a lot of that too."
"It's called kissing and you're getting warmer."
"No, I'm not. I'm getting cooler sitting here 'cause my engine is cooling down."
"Now look here, you big dope, I mean shagging."
"Oh, you mean rubbing gearsticks. Yes, they do like to do that a lot too. They seem to enjoy it very much. And I'm not a big dope either, whatever that is. I'm a Cortina and I'm very smart. All us Cortinas are smart, especially the Mark III model."
"Next you'll be telling me that's why they chose you, a poncy showroom model, for a police car."
"You know I never thought of that, but you're right. You must be right 'cause you're very smart too. The Guv must have chosen me not just because of my good looks and all my lux...luxy features but because I'm very smart too - and I'm not poncy."
"Will you shut up about your luxury features and get on with it."
"Uh, where was I?"
"The towel."
"Oh, yes. Well Sam says 'Since the forecast said rain for the next forty-eight hours. Thought we might need it.' So the Guv gets out of his coat and he's using the towel and says 'Some scumbags back there and I recognized one of the tossers, one Vincent Barlow. Arrested him last year for Receiving' and Sam says 'So? What're they doing?' and the Guv says 'Loadin' a van' and Sam says 'At this time of night? How many of them?' and the Guv says 'Four that I could see, and I want to know what's in those boxes' and Sam says 'So we just happened to come down this street, at this time, on this night, did we?' and the Guv says "Course not. Got a tip-off in the pub, didn't I' and Sam kind of made a face and says 'I should've known. If - and I mean if - there's something illegal going on, we're off duty, we're unarmed and we're outnumbered. You have to call for backup' but the Guv says they'll have the van loaded and be gone by the time backup arrives and then he wants to drive but Sam says no on account of the Guv's drunk and he's teaching him a lesson and the Guv says 'Don't you start again' and Sam says 'If you ever, ever do that to me again - and I mean throw me out of the car in the middle of the night, God knows where, in the pouring rain - oh, and not to mention miles from home, I'll make your life so miserable a broken dick and food that's cold will be the least of your worries!' and the Guv says 'Yeah, yeah, all right. I wasn't gonna leave you' and Sam says 'Like hell you weren't, tip-off or not, and...' and then they both say 'Shit' 'cause the van comes out of the lane, turns and goes up the street away from us. The Guv says 'What'd I tell you! Start drivin', Sammy boy, and keep the lights off. I don't want 'em knowin' we're on to 'em' and Sam turns me around and says '"Keep the lights off" he says. I can barely see where we're going with all this rain and the piss-poor street lighting' and the Guv says 'Trust the Gene Genie. I know these dark streets like the back of me hand, so put your bloody foot down, Gladys, 'cause if you lose that van it'll be back to DS Tyler for you' and Sam kind of pulled a face and leaned on my accelerator a bit more."
"It's one thing after another with you, isn't it. Trust your crazy humans to have a big fight when there's a robbery taking place."
"I have lots of adventures with my humans. They're my great, big poof heroes. They always catch the naughty toe-rag humans and keep the streets safe even if they are a bit... uh... well..."
"Cracked as your crankcase you mean."
"My crankcase is not cracked. There's nothing wrong with my crankcase."
"Could have fooled me. But never mind all that and get on with it."
"Well we're following the van and the Guv gets on my radio telephone but headquarters take a long time to answer and then he says 'Who's this?... Well, DC Smith, who's manning the radio?... Where is she?... Oh, you don't know. Well you find WPC Black and you cuff her to the desk if you have to. DI Tyler and I are in pursuit of a blue Transit van with possible stolen goods heading east along Quay Street and we need backup. She back yet?... You know how to do it?... Good lad. And you can tell WPC Black she's going to spend the next six months cleaning out the cells. Got it?' So we continued, the Guv telling headquarters where we were and telling Sam to put his foot down and Sam saying he didn't want them to spot us and the Guv saying that we didn't want to bloody lose them either. It was getting hard to see the van 'cause the rain was getting heavier so we got a bit closer. Then they turned off to the right and we followed but all of a sudden they were gone and Sam says 'What the hell? Where'd they go?' and the Guv says to keep driving, turn at the next right and stop. So we do that, and we sit there and we wait a bit. Next thing you know the van goes along the street behind us. 'I knew it!' the Guv says and Sam backs me back onto the street again and says 'How'd you know they hadn't got clean away?' and the Guv says ''Cause, Sammy boy, I got a map of these streets in me head. Photographic memory, that's me - and that's a dead end street. They spotted us and they were checkin' to see if we were followin'. They're headin' east. Get after 'em!' and we're after them again and there's another radio call to say that Pandas Three and Four will be joining us. Well Sam still had my lights out but they're going faster now and we're going faster too. 'Bugger! They've spotted us!' the Guv says, so Sam turns on my lights and we're going forty now and the Guv gets on my radio again and gives our location again and we hear DC Smith giving it to the other units on the radio. Then the Guv tells him to tell the other units to head for the Hyde Road and Sam says 'You think that's where they're heading?' and the Guv says 'You bet your pointy boots' and we're going faster now, forty-five, and then two of the Pandas come out of a side street just ahead of us with their sirens going and Sam tooted my horn and flashed my lights at them and they let me pass and as I passed them the Guv opened the window and shouted that they'd better keep up. Then they were following and the Guv said that they were ruddy snails and Sam said 'Well what do you expect? I mean an Allegro and a Vauxhall? They're lucky to do fifty without falling apart, especially the Allegro. You need some faster pursuit cars, Guv' and the Guv says 'Yeah, well you give me the budget. You don't know what I had to do just to get bloody Rathbone to approve my request for this one. Ruddy Litton has two high speed cars' and Sam said 'You mean Litton sucks up to him' and the Guv said 'Litton's an arse-kisser'. Then after a bit he says 'Looks like we might be headin' for Hyde after all, Sammy boy'."
"So did you go to Hyde?"
"Well once we were on the Hyde Road it really turned into a chase. The van sped up even more and the Guv turned around to see if the Pandas were keeping up but they were already starting to fall behind. 'Told you. Ruddy snails' he says. 'Yeah, well they're not as powerful' Sam says and the Guv says 'Fat lot of good that'll do us if you don't put your fairy foot down. We'll be at this all night.' The van is still going faster and Sam says 'Shit! It's doing over sixty!' so he puts his foot down some more and I'm right on its tail but then they started wiggling about on the road and the Guv said 'Watch out, Sam! They're tryin' to run us off the road.' Sam was forced to slow a bit to avoid them and the Guv said to watch my paintwork and I told the van to slow down and it said I had to stop tailing it before its mad humans had an accident so I told it I was a very important police car from CID and I ordered it to stall and it said it would try to at the next traffic lights - well if its humans stopped, but, uh, it never had the chance."
"What do you mean it never had the chance?"
"'Cause that's when a great, big lorry got in the way. It suddenly came out of a side street on the left and Sam had to stamp his foot on my brake to avoid it but it went straight on and I ended up stuck behind it."
"So what happened to the van when the lorry came out of the side street?"
"Oh, the lorry missed it and the van went straight on as far as I could tell. Anyway then we were stuck behind the big lorry and the Guv was reaching over and tooting my horn at it but it wouldn't pull over so we were only doing thirty now and the Guv was very angry. Sam says to get his number and the Guv says 'And who do you think you are, Marjorie? Just 'cause you're behind the wheel don't mean you're DCI yet you know' and Sam says 'Well I can't do it while I'm driving, can I?' So the Guv gets a notepad and pen out and tells Sam to get closer. I think he couldn't see 'cause of all the rain. It had eased off a bit earlier but now it was pelting down again."
"You're telling me. What a night! Could barely see on the way here."
"I could barely see too and I don't know how my humans could either. It was a terrible night. Anyway the Guv got the number and Sam was again trying to pass it and the Guv says to go around it but Sam said there was some traffic coming the other way, and there was, and then the next thing you know the truck stopped so suddenly that, again, Sam had to swerve hard to avoid it or I would have run straight into the its rear."
"That was a close call. How close were you?"
"Close enough to feel the heat from it as I went around the rear of it."
"That's too close. There might have been no more orange Cortina."
"I'm not orange. I'm russet bronze."
"You and your poncy colour. Get on with it."
"It's not poncy, it's russet bronze. Well the Pandas had caught up and were right behind us and the Guv shouted at Panda Three to bang up the bastard lorry driver for reckless driving and ob... ob..."
"Obstruction?"
"Yes, that's it - obstruction. That's a very big word, isn't it?. And he said to check his load too and for Panda Four to follow us. So we were finally able to drive around the lorry and we were off again but of course the van was long out of sight and Sam said 'Well we've lost it now' and the Guv said 'You never know, Sammy boy. You never know' and Sam was doing fifty-seven when we had to stop suddenly 'cause we came across the van all turned over like it is now. And see the Mini there? The driver told the Guv and Sam that the van passed him doing at least sixty and then it seemed to skid and it toppled over and hit the lamppost at high speed and he said he tried to get the humans out in case it caught fire but he couldn't manage it on his own but he thought maybe one was still alive. Anyway Plod managed to get one of the rear doors open and the Guv got the front door open and Sam checked the humans. Then he climbed down, ran back to me and ordered an ambulance and here you are."
"Well I must say I didn't expect to see you all the way out here."
"It was a long chase. All the way from the docks to here."
Well as we sat there chatting in the pouring rain and the police and my drivers helped to get the humans out of the van we were passed by a big lorry at high speed. Sam sees it and says "Oi, Guv! Isn't that the same lorry you told number three to book?" and then Panda Three goes past too with its siren blaring and the Guv said "What the hell?" and Sam ran back to the Cortina and got on its radio and asked headquarters to contact Panda Three urgently and he sat there listening as the call went out but there was no response and he told them to keep trying. Then he called out to the Guv and told him there was no response from Panda Three and the Guv said "There wouldn't be. Out of range" and Sam said "But we can still communicate with headquarters - how come?" and the Guv said "Newer radio. More powerful" and Sam says "Oh, great!" so he gets on the radio and asks what was the last message they had from Panda Three and the Smith human says that it reported that as they got out to talk to the driver someone in the lorry fired a shot at them and then the lorry took off and they were in pursuit. Well my drivers are loading in the humans from the van and the Guv tells one of the officers from Panda Four to stay there and guard the van's contents, which Sam said were a load of stereos, and for Panda Four to follow and then he says to Sam, "Right, let's get after the bastards" and he goes to get in the driver's seat and Sam says "You're not driving, I am" and the Guv says "Oh, yes, I am!" and Sam says "Guv, this could turn nasty. Let me do this" and the Guv gets in and says "Sod off. I'm driving now" and Sam says "Guv, you saw how I was able to swerve to avoid the lorry before. That's 'cause I've done a defensive driving course and I'm good. Let me drive and I promise I'll keep the car safe" and the Guv says "Are you sure?" and Sam says "Promise" and the Guv says "Ah, sod it" and he climbs over to the passenger seat and says "You get one scratch on the paintwork..." and Sam says "I wouldn't harm an inch of its vinyl roof" and the Guv says "It's not the ruddy roof I'm worried about, you div. All right then - you drive, I'll shoot the scum."
"Looks like the chase is on again for you, ducky," I said as Sam started up the Cortina. "And watch out - that lorry is four times your size."
"But I'm a very important police car," it says, "and I always catch the naughty toe-rags."
With Sam at the wheel the Cortina pulled away and quickly disappeared into the rain heading towards Hyde.
The following day I saw one of the Pandas at a red light and it said there was some very nasty business last night out on the Hyde Road and I said that I was there too. So it says that I must know all about the two police cars that got crushed, but before I could ask what happened and which two cars and was the Cortina one of them, the lights changed and the Panda made a right turn.
Well days passed before I could find out any more information about what happened that night on the Hyde Road. No one had seen the Cortina around. Finally, Ambulance One informed me that it ran into Panda Two but all it could find out was what I already knew, that two cars had been crushed out on the Hyde Road. Of course I wanted to know which two cars and was it the Cortina but it said it didn't know. Then it said "You're all worried, aren't you? You're in love with that poncy git!" and of course I said I wasn't, but then the others started up too. "You're still sweet on that dopey Cortina, aren't you?" and "Well you would go and marry that dill of a police car, wouldn't you" to which I replied "I am not married to anyone, least of all the Cortina" and they of course replied "Oh, yes, you are! Your wheels were all wobbly not once but twice. Twice! That was quite a honeymoon you two had. Share a cosy double garage, did you?" to which I said "Of course not." But would they listen? It was "Number Two's in love" and Number Three added "With a divvy Cortina with shag pile for brains" and then Number Four chimed in with "Really, Number Two, I would have thought you'd have better taste than to fall for that flashy police car. I mean it wouldn't be so bad if it had half a brain but it's got no more notion of what a crime is than a mouse. In fact even a mouse has enough sense to run when it sees something far bigger than it, like a cat, but that Cortina is too stupid to realize it might be in danger until it's too late. Of course that's because the clueless clot is too busy admiring its own shag pile. You mark my words, it won't be around for long." Then Number One wanted to know if we'd been shagging again and Number Three wanted to know if I'd developed any disease symptoms yet. And so it continued...
Some five days passed and I couldn't seem to find out any more information about what had become of the silly, great, pampered ponce and I began to wonder if I'd ever see it again. For some reason the thought of never seeing the clueless git again and listening to it prattle endlessly about all its features, and of course its poofy humans, made me feel quite out of sorts. I told myself it was because I was so used to seeing it around all the time. The others said that I was moping around the place but of course I wasn't, even if my driver did complain that I was sluggish. I just needed a grease and oil change, that's all. Nothing more.
*
