Jim's brow wrinkled as he translated the phrase. "Teddy bear?"

 "Hmmmm...." Blair sucked gently on his earlobe, then blew a stream of warm air across it, making the Leftenant shiver. "Big teddy bear. My teddy bear," he slipped a leg between Jim's, rubbing his calf with warm toes. "All mine."

 Jim groaned as he felt the rock-hard erection poking him in the hip. "You're going to kill me..."

 "A favoured way to go, oui?" Blair started a maddeningly gentle up and down motion along his lover's body. The soft feel of flesh stroking flesh very quickly became too much, and Jim rolled over to pin the smaller body with his own, bringing them into a delightfully satisfying contact.

 The cry of pain from his lover drenched his passion, leaving only a few smouldering pieces of charcoal as he rolled quickly to his side. "Blair? Oh god, Blair, I'm sorry, I forgot, are you all right?"

 Blair gritted his teeth and patted the taller man's cheek. "It's ok, It's nothing." He gingerly pushed himself upright with his good arm, then sat in Jims lap. "But I think we had better do it this way." Jim put his hands on the other man's hips, but was stopped with a soft touch. "No, another way." He pushed Jim down gently to rest on the pillows, stroking his penis until it was hot and full. Raising himself up on his knees, he positioned himself over the proud cock while Ellison watched wide-eyed.

 "Blair?"

 Sandburg didn't meet his eyes, staring fixedly at some point below and to the right on the patterned sheet. "I learnt this, from...the General. He liked it. Maybe you will like it too." Eyes dulled against the expected pain, he started to sit.

 "No!" Jim pulled him up and away, leaping off the bed, whole body trembling with different emotions; anger at what Blair had proposed, hot shame at his own arousal. "I don't want that, Blair. I don't want anything you had to sell." Belatedly he realised what the words sounded like coming from his mouth and cursed himself a thousand times for being a stupid oaf. "Oh Christ. Blair, baby, I didn't mean it like that." He knelt by the side of the bed, one hand reaching up to caress a slightly bristled jaw. "I don't want you to have to do this. Please. Not anything they made you do, anything you had to do, please, that isn't us," the words were falling faster from his lips as he brought his other hand up, both cupping the proud face as he ducked his head a little, trying to meet the downcast eyes. "If you don't want to, say no, just say no, it'll be ok. You don't have to do this with me, ever, not anything you don't want to do, ok?"

 "Jim." Finally Blair raised his eyes to meet twin blue. "I want to do this. With you. Please, I need, I want.." He thumped an aggravated fist onto his thigh with a growl. "I want you in me. I feel ..bad. Taken. I want to give, Jim," he demanded, reaching down and hauling on the other man's arm so they were face to face. "I want to be clean. I want to give this to you so I can be clean again." He interlaced his fingers with the Leftenant. "Please, let me give this," he begged. "For you, only for you."

 Jim held their joined hands to his cheek for a long time. "I don't know.." he caught the smaller man's chin as his face turned away in shame. "Hey... Maybe if you tell me about it? You know, what we do?"

 Blair blinked at him, then forced a shift in his brain, reminding himself his lover had never known anything like this before. Had never been forced to sell favours for the survival of those he loved. Coldly, emotionlessly he began to speak, his mind only vaguely connected to his mouth, close enough to make the tale, but far enough away so that he wouldn't have to relive the memories that crept up on him, threatening to tear away his sanity in one clawing stroke.

 Jim knelt there for a long moment, then fell backwards, butt thudding on the carpet. His mouth moved around soundless, half-formed words, then he exploded. "Jesus Christ!" Ellison focused on the one point he could handle, insinuations from the account of what had happened to his Blair hidden away in a dark part of his soul, a reality he couldn't face, didn't want to face, didn't want to acknowledge, wanted left lying alone to rot to harmless dust. "Blair, I don't pretend to know the first thing about this...this..." he waved his hands in the air, "But I know from my medical exams at least you gotta use something. Even the doc's at the recruitment station did that, and I swear they kept those damn stethoscopes of theirs on ice!" The attempt at humour fell flat as Blair blinked at him.

"Like what?"

 Jim gaped, thought for a moment, then shrugged. "I don't know. I think they used petroleum jelly or something -"

 "Don't have any."

 "Or maybe oil?"

 "Oil?" Blair shuddered and tucked his feet under his bottom protectively. "From an automobile??"

 "*No,*" Jim couldn't believe he was having this conversation. Think. Improvise. It was what he was trained for, after all. "Maybe something like cooking oil?"

 "Cooking oil???" Blair was starting to chuckle at the turn the conversation had taken. "What else? Sauce? Mushrooms? Sautee mon derriere?" He toppled over backwards on the bed, body convulsing with hilarity. Jim snorted, then lost it, staggering forwards and nearly missing the bed as he collapsed helplessly with laughter. It was too funny, the vision of Blair with his butt up in the air, being dusted with spices for cooking.

 Still giggling a little, Jim reached over and pinched one firm buttock. "A little lean," he said with the air of a connoisseur. "I think you need a few more days in the pasture to fatten up."

Blair yelped and pinched him back. "Too tough," he pronounced his verdict, trying to keep a straight face. "I would need many days preparation and herbs to soften you."

Jim rolled over and nibbled lightly on the other man's neck. "On second thoughts, I could eat you now.." he breathed, working his way slowly down Blair's uninjured shoulder. Blair lolled his head and moaned, then took a kiss. "This doesn't change things," he whispered quietly, breath coming a little faster now.

 Jim shook his head. He didn't want his lover to relive that taint, to associate any part of what they were with what had happened before. "Blair-"

 "I want you Jim. Inside me, I want to feel you." He stroked his fingers over his lover's cheek. "I don't want to be Jim and Blair in our lovemaking any more. I want to be us. l'une et autre."

 Jim captured the hand in his and held it for a long moment, thinking of what Blair was asking. A connection. A Joining. Neither one or the other, both. Two halves of the same soul.

"Oui," he whispered after a long moment.