You get the idea. Some of these goals were thought of in your twenties and others in your thirties and forties. The key thing about this list is it must be the things you have yet to achieve in life but which have been nagging you to complete. There must be a reason why 1) they are still not done and 2) why the not doing is nagging you. Some of these goals are persistent over the years whilst others have relevance now (at the time of writing) and are resolved or not as the case may be but come back in other guises.

The next thing to do is look at this list and remove from it anything that is currently beyond your physical capabilities considering your age and physical condition. Remember people are now healthier than they have ever been due to advances in medical science but obviously it s not realistic to contemplate a professional career as a dancer or footballer in your forties. Now having removed from this list the things that fall into this category you are left with the following -

List 2

If you have a look at the amended list, there are very few things that are not open to you in your 40s that were open to you in your 20s. In essence anything that relies on youth such as professional sport, professional dancing. Everything else in your list should still be valid. There are some things that aren't in the list above but may be in your list such as ---

Regret about losing a lost love. Is there anything to beat this misery of a poor decision? The migrant experience and pining away for your homeland. What can you do about that? Go back?

You get the picture. Some things are tangible (like becoming a sports person) but a lot like regret has not physical presence except in your soul. In my view when making up your list stick to things that have permanence in the real world. This list is not useful for fighting battles in your mind only.

With your second list, prioritise it and get to work in the knowledge that working away at your list you are working on things that are fundamental to your existence. But don't underestimate the effort required to achieve even one item on the list.

For example becoming a personal trainer (which I am) will take several thousand dollars and a few months out of your life. Not to mention having to learn the origin and insertion point of all major muscle groups. But if this is what you want to do, do it and make it your destiny. Make this a private thing for you to achieve.

Another example "Have a six pack, be super fit and 80 kilos". That could take you 1-2 years to achieve safely and healthily. Not just of working out once a week but working out every day for two years - two hours a day.

Everything in this list should be of that category. Something which is tough to complete and will take all you've got and then some. If it doesn't fit that category then it doesn't belong there.

About Gilbert Labour

Life Coaching Tips and Techniques No. 141

Obesity - a few comments

The size and shape of the body is the shape and size of the pain being comforted by the food. The large the body the greater the pain.

Obesity extracts a huge cost for those living with it. Just mere existence is punishing. The tasks allocated to the heart, lungs, cooling system to keep the massive body functional is plainly visible to all. Obesity is like a huge suppurating emotional abscess. It is like wearing your emotional problems on your sleeve. It is like taking what is hurting you deep inside and bringing it to the surface for all to see. It is a weird concept obesity. What you really want to happen is for your pain and suffering to be well hidden. For people who are obese it is of course that pain that is driving the out of control eating. The size and shape of the body is the shape and size of the pain being comforted by the food. The large the body the greater the pain.

Life Coaching Tips and Techniques No. 140

On Love and Depression

In love but unhappy

What does that mean? Does it mean you're in love with someone, someone special, but due to circumstances (either within or outside your control) you do not feel secure in that relationship and as a result of the insecurity your contentment has evaporated? Love and unhappiness a re mere words and shorthand for feelings that come and go or are there permanently (perhaps) or feelings that are good depending on the circumstances of the moment. Love is not a permanent state.

I think the problem in a nutshell is this. If you're in love with a sex addict, a psychopath, an alcoholic, a gambling addict, a manic depressive, a drug addict or someone suffering from obesity then you may genuinely love them but the strands required for your happiness are shredded. There is no happiness possible when the other person, by definition, is so unhappy themselves. You cannot find contentment with a discontented person.

Love is indiscriminate so you cannot pick and choose who you will fall in love with it just happens and that is the problem. It is difficult to screen your prospective partner for the above afflictions. In most cases you don't find out till after the relationship is cemented.

Being in love with a sex addict, a psychopath or an alcoholic is an emotional trap. A trap of your own doing. You are trapped by your love in a win less relationship. There is no joy only pain and heartache. The best thing you can do for yourself is leave that person. At least that way you control the degree of pain you inflict on yourself and when.

If you leave now the pain starts immediately (the shock) and is intense for a period and slowly dissipates. If you stay the pain is chronic not acute, lasts for as long as the relationship lasts (for the rest of your life?) and you live a life of desperation, fear and despair in the meantime.

Depression leading to suicide

Danger signs in a loved one

Most of the time you only know of someone's despair after they have committed or attempted suicide but there is a way of reading the danger signs

Every smile casts a shadow

Living with someone/loving someone who has depression means being constantly (for the life of the relationship) on the lookout for the danger signs of a major depressive episode and taking preventive action to avoid a catastrophic outcome.

The recent suicide of a very beautiful, talented and successful media personality has shocked her friends, colleagues etc. but in reality if they had the right degree of perception and foresight they might have seen it coming. Is despair, anguish, suffering and misery visible when someone is doing their best to hide it from everybody including those closest to them? Yes it is visible loud and clear. For those wishing to look a little deeper than usual. For people who are unemotional types and lack perception and sensitivity it is impossible to see the danger signs. For those with more sensitivity and especially highly intelligent types the danger signs are very prominent. These include ---

Life Coaching Tips and Techniques No. 138

Obesity

Ideas and approaches from a life coach and personal trainer Part II

As an experienced Gym Instructor/Personal Trainer (Fitness NSW Registration 13672) and life coach with a lifetime's obsession with sport, dancing and fitness I am amazed that people who are obese don't do something about it.

For me being active is natural indeed it is a way of life, a living if you will which I make off the sweat of others. But there are reasons why you would want to stay obese (see below).

The purpose of this article is not to get you (if you're an obese person) off your arse and into the gym and into the arms/clutches of a personal trainer (if only) but to provide an obese person with a method for solving their problem using a combination of physical (personal training/gym training) and mental approaches (life coaching) and everything in between.

There are a number of areas that need addressing to attack such an intractable and extremely difficult problem as obesity. They can be grouped under the following big picture categories ---

A list of do's and don'ts to start with

Things you should indulge less in (preferably Nil)

Things you should do more of

Emotional and other mood disorders

How you feel on a day to day basis especially if there is wide fluctuation either way (up or down) over a period of days/weeks render you less liable to follow a structured approach to your nutrition and exercise. Depression, mania and lack of focus is the enemy of routine, structure and process. You must start thinking of yourself as an unruly power that needs self-directed control over your moods, emotions and feelings generally. Some mood disorders do improve with a fitness program but if in doubt see your medical practitioner for a mental health consultation.

Eating habits/disorders

These are an effect not a cause per se of obesity. Though you would think obesity is caused by overeating, eating the wrongs foods at the wrong time and other poor nutrition habits. Obesity is caused by the factors that lead you to overeat. So you need to reach back further than just the unsuppressed appetite to get to the root cause of the behaviours that ultimately leads to hapless obesity.

Reasons for persistent obesity

Being obese is not a 24 hour virus. It is not something that comes on the day before and leaves the day after. It is something that has literally been building up over years. The internal manifestation of obesity (emotional turmoil, lack of self esteem, poor self confidence) probably have been there since (a probably damaging) childhood. As long as the internal manifestation stays that way and the problem not out in the open, so to speak, identification and addressing of it is difficult.

So in a sense obesity is a blessing in that it is the very visible tip of the iceberg. It is the sole visible part of a very big problem. When looked at in this context obesity is only a small a tiny part of the problem. Therefore strategies that address just the overeating and lack of exercise by counter measures such as diets and exercise are only really addressing 1/10th (1/100th even) of the real deep lying problem.

There are reasons why people are obese besides the fact that they have not addressed the superficial cause of it (i.e overeating, lack of exercise, indulging in alcohol, tobacco and other dependence causing substances).

Obesity literally and figuratively means you're not going anywhere. This may suit a relationship where one of the partners suffers from paranoid jealousy. The other partner to soothe their raw nerves becomes obese. It is almost as if they're saying "you have nothing to worry about I'm not going anywhere". This reason for obesity is really the wrong solution for a problem the obese person doesn't own in the first place.

Obesity is a good middle point between making a decision and not making a decision. In other words it is a place for ditherers. It functions very similarly to an illness that comes on at the appropriate time (i.e where a decision is needed from you but you cannot make it for whatever reason) and stays for the duration required.

Leading certain 'unhealthy' lifestyles will inevitably lead to obesity. So those who embark and endure these lifestyles are bound to be obese. An example is someone who is middle aged, smokes, drinks alcohol and take no exercise whatsoever whilst still eating the portions they did as a teenager.

People married to psychopaths can reduce the effects of their exposure to the terrifying attacks and injuries of psychopathy by being obese. Obesity then here is a shield, a defence against daily, brutal, persistent, personal attacks on their character and humanity.

Substance abuse problems (primarily alcohol, cigarettes, legal and illegal drugs of all types and varieties)

Substance abuse (other than food) is a vast field of research and practice. For the purposes of obesity anything that detracts from your ability to fight your disease (which is what obesity is) is a problem.

Pattern of exercise and physical activities

Exercise and movement generally is about developing, forming and maintaining habits. Regular daily exercise is the ideal. The problem is that being obese starting an exercise program is very difficult and a journey fraught with injuries if not illness. There as a first step if you are obese you should seek and obtain a medical practitioner's clearance.

Work related stress

What happens when you temporarily (you hope) lose your mojo. Lose your will to succeed at work. When sitting behind a desk is torture, when every moment is a pure hell. It's probably not that bad but you get the drift. When you put your foot on the accelerator and there is no juice in the tank. You're out of gas.

Tips to top up your gas tank

This is probably not something that is happening in isolation it is probably affecting other areas of your life. Look wider for the problem not just your work environment. We're not even at a stage when we can consider solutions yet. Look at areas that may be distracting you.

About Gilbert Labour

For those companies that are not in the financial industry but still require strong governance around the management of operational risk, Mr Labour is an expert on creating strategies for managing operational risk supported by strong programme management structures to ensure compliance.

Life Coaching Tips and Techniques No. 137

Obesity (A Life Coaching/Personal Training Approach)

Obesity is a personal choice not a condition or an illness

Obesity is an emotional pain limiting strategy

The use of food in this way leads to not one problem with one solution but two problems with no solution

This article is written for an obese person who doesn't know where to turn to for a solution to their problem. As both a life coach and personal trainer, I take a multi-faceted approach to obesity by focusing on motivation generally and correct exercise technique and volume. The more tools one has generally speaking the more ways you can tailor the solution to a problem. What does a combined life coaching/personal training approach to obesity do for us?

Obesity is not simply an aesthetic problem. It is not about beauty or lack of it.

Obesity is not just a health problem. It is not about being healthy or not.

Obesity is first and foremost a life style restricting choice. It stops you from being as active as you want to be. It stops from participating in sporting activities, adventure holidays and anything requiring even a trivial level of fitness.

It also provides a convenient brake on emotional interactions or more correctly on the fallout from dysfunctional emotional interactions. In this instance obesity is an emotional pain limiting strategy.

It is ironic that it fulfils that function because the level of societal disapproval of obesity in all its ramifications would tend to limit its usefulness in that context. But that it is so used in an indication that the level of emotional pain is so distressing that obesity and its emotional baggage is preferable to it.

Of course the root cause of this problem is the use of food as a self medication to appease the emotional gods. In this case, food is overmedicated in the mistaken belief that if some food is good, more food is better. But the use of food in this way leads to not one problem with one solution but two problems with no solution.

This is a few pointers incorporating ideas and approaches from life coaching and personal training to combat obesity.

About Gilbert Labour

For those companies that are not in the financial industry but still require strong governance around the management of operational risk, Mr Labour is an expert on creating strategies for managing operational risk supported by strong programme management structures to ensure compliance.

Life Coaching Tips and Techniques No. 136

The measure of happiness

A tidbit on happiness. Happiness is the one subject I can safely say will never be conquered or subjugated and become formulaic. But there are ways of thinking about it that infinitesimally increase our knowledge and get us closer to finding and sustaining happiness.

Just before I fall asleep each night I try to find a space (a similar space each night) where I can be blissfully happy and self sufficient. Now this space is something which I create from my imagination but which correlates reasonably closely with what in reality would be a place where I would be blissfully happy in (but am not in right now nor probably will ever be in given my current circumstances). So there are two spaces here one truly mythical and never meant to be reached in reality and one reasonably close to reality but which equally will never be reached in real life. So what does this actually mean?

Well there is a third reality and that is the reality that I actually live in day in day out and even that reality is warped by my consumption of substances that alter ever so slightly or strongly the objective reality that an observer looking at me would perceive. So in effect there are four realities in my life. So we can say when I lie down in my bed and try to sleep the images and vision I conjure up are four times removed from a universal objective reality.

Let me label that lie down in bed reality as R1, the blissful place that R1 tries to mimic as R2, the reality I perceive as R3 and the universal objective reality as R4. I can then infer the following propositions ->

About Gilbert Labour

For those companies that are not in the financial industry but still require strong governance around the management of operational risk, Mr Labour is an expert on creating strategies for managing operational risk supported by strong programme management structures to ensure compliance.

Life Coaching Tips and Techniques No. 135

Funding the next major goal/hurdle with energy

Face your fears and conquer them to create new energy

Something that you will give yourself heart and soul up to, something that you will drain your precious emotional battery for, something that you will risk a failure for

After you have reached a goal, completed a major milestone in your life the wind will billow out of your sails and you'll feel flat waiting for the next major challenge to grab you or for you to grab it.

The question is do you force it by putting yourself in the way of the trade winds or wait for the wind to change and come you way? Neither.

In an ideal situation your next goal should already be primed and ready to go. But unfortunately life is not like that.

You cannot simply transfer the constructive emotional energy (CEE) from one goal to another. Each allowance of CEE almost seems to be tailor made to fit with a particular goal. Once that goal is achieved, that allowance dies with it.

Meaning not only do you need to find a new goal but also the CEE to go with it. Without CEE the goal is sails without wind without energy. Similarly CEE without goals is pointless, energy in search of a dream.

CEE is that feeling where you're invincible, magisterial, peerless, merciless if you wanted to but hopefully you're merciful. A person with CEE without mercy is simply a psychopath.

The answer is have another goal in reserve whilst you're on your current goal. You can run two in parallel if you're capable but usually one at a time, a major goal, is enough.

Now because the energetic wave powering the former goal cannot be transferred to the new goal the idea to create a whirlpool of new energy to transfer to the new goal.

You do this by pushing yourself physically and mentally especially doing something that you haven't done before and which is very challenging. The more challenging the better and the more potential energy created. That is the key, face your fears and conquer them to create new energy.

About Gilbert Labour

For those companies that are not in the financial industry but still require strong governance around the management of operational risk, Mr Labour is an expert on creating strategies for managing operational risk supported by strong programme management structures to ensure compliance.

Life Coaching Tips and Techniques No. 134

SMS - Short Man Syndrome

What is SMS? It is the desire of short men be combative in their dealings with taller men. Even if these dealings are not in their nature combative they will find the angle, the wedge that separates them rather than the common purpose that unites them. They waste inordinate amount of time, skill and effort finding the tiny flaws in tall men that they can exploit. Sometimes these flaws are so tiny or so insignificant to their overall enterprise that that is a stretch (excuse the pun) even for them.

What can you do in your dealings with shorter men who are combative to smooth the 'differences over'? Can you paper them over especially if they are in a position of power over you, at least nominally within an organisational context for exmaple?

About Gilbert Labour

For those companies that are not in the financial industry but still require strong governance around the management of operational risk, Mr Labour is an expert on creating strategies for managing operational risk supported by strong programme management structures to ensure compliance.

Life Coaching Tips and Techniques No. 133

A change for the better?

When there has been a major change in your life say changing jobs or leaving a partner for another or quitting something suddenly unexpectedly you expect whatever you're going to is better than what you left behind. Otherwise why make the change? That is the main rationale of major change. But when something goes wrong (as they inevitably will) with any aspect of that change or choice (or non choice) as the case may be, things can get worse than they were before the unforced/forced changed. When that happens it is very hard not to panic and fall into despair. You're essentially caught in a no man's land of leaving a former destination but not yet arrived at the new destination. If you're the kind of person who has a very active regret engine, this kind of thing can drive you insane.

Life is full of changes, every day is (or should be) a transition to something better. Think of each day as an opportunity to change your life for the better. Not just surviving each day (which is an achievement in itself) but using that day to transform yourself, your business, your job, improve our skills, to develop your hobby into a business.

The normal planning function that should be a part of your life if you are a high performance person would normally fall away if you are under great stress or duress. Planning is not suitable for this time. Panic rules. It is normally a time of quick deliverables and execution (if that happens sometimes paralysis sets in). But it is precisely why you need to deliver on your high level plans before the stressful times. It takes the pressure off you if you have used this time fruitfully to open up a second income stream for example.

Plan and execute before the need arises for that deliverable. In other words for example develop your personal business whilst you're still in your job so that any necessary transition is all that is needed in the case of losing your job (or being made redundant) or merely perhaps even a lifestyle choice (a sea change).

A friend of mine is in the waiting room/departure lounge (a place from which you are either made redundant or redeployed) after 27 years service with a company. He is terrified, petrified of the outside world. He should be he has never set foot anywhere else. My recommendation: take and money and run (to the nearest retraining centre). Get yourself some in demand skills as quickly as you can. After 27 years he has reached a ceiling and is no longer growing. I also advise him that after he leaves he will feel sad, depressed, uncertain, anxious as regular work provides a much needed structure for men the lack of which leads to mental health issues, obesity, relationship problems and general dissatisfaction with life. It is all related to having to start from scratch somewhere else after having paid your dues for 27 years.

Why are Project Managers (PMs) paid so much? Because there is a large element of uncertainty in determining the path to deliver a project or program? In others words generally a project (by definition) is something that hasn't been done before therefore is new to the organisation and there is great uncertainty of the duration and major milestones and achievements of the journey.

Projects and PM's lurching from crisis to crisis. Why? First question where in the project is this occurring? In pre-planning, planning or implementation or business transition? If in pre-planning you could say the idea is not robust enough or the organisational's appetite for this kind of project is not keen enough. If in planning you could say that the idea is simply no good or too hard to implement for whatever reason. If in implementation you could say not enough planning (and of the right type and quality especially a rigorous proof of concept) was done. If in business transition you could say that the business were not consulted or consulted enough or consulted by the right kind of people to explain the changes to them. What is the root cause of these problems? Simply that the transformation of information from one phase to another was not controlled enough, disseminated enough, understood enough to allow all interested parties access to information as it changed from one state to another.

When something goes catastrophically wrong why do people turn off their mobiles, don't answer their land line (if they have one) and don't reply to emails. They stay indoors they don't interact they just exist for a while. In essence why are they running to ground? Self preservation they think. Self protection. To get away from the masses persecuting them. In my view running to ground in essence gives your punishing superego the time and space to discipline you to death. It is the last thing you should do but really the first thing you do anyway. This period being in the eye of the storm lasts for a several weeks then begins to resolve itself. Of course seeking help during this time will be helpful for your long term rehabilitation.

Music is great therapy. I play percussion in a salsa band and find a practice session or performance very relaxing in a spiritual sense. I think the reason is because it has to do with timing or rather time and rhythm. When everyday life is discordant and has lost its rhythm and chaos reigns music provides both a physical and spiritual framework which is universal, mathematical and provides a secure refuge for whatever is going in your life. It is very difficult to express in words the role of music in combating stress, anxiety and depression but it does have a role to play. When all around you is chaos, playing a nice rhythm in 2/4 or 4/4 time on the congas or timbales is soothing, healing and completes you. Of course if you've never played instruments before getting to this point requires a massive amount of work and effort and endless practice but I think the payback rewards the expenditure of the effort.

About Gilbert Labour

For those companies that are not in the financial industry but still require strong governance around the management of operational risk, Mr Labour is an expert on creating strategies for managing operational risk supported by strong programme management structures to ensure compliance.

Life Coaching Tips and Techniques No. 132

How do I decide what to write on my web site?

I exercise every morning for about an hour and a half, sometimes this gives me an idea. It may even move beyond a skeleton during the session. Otherwise the idea will need real work and graft to come to an article that is decent enough to be put on the web site. Anything that is too personal and that cannot be abstracted is discarded. It must sound intense, moving, real but rather than personal universal.

I read the news sometimes this gives me an idea. I read very widely and I do it at least for one hour each day. This sometimes inspires me. Wide reading of especially gifted writers helps the phrasing, the approach, the attack, the hook just like budding musicians learn grooves from master musicians. I know what I'm talking about in this analogy as I'm currently learning to be a latin percussionist.

I might watch people around me that also is a rich source of material. Today's topic is grief. There is a lot of suffering about and loss. My father died in 1992 and it took me 10 years of soul searching, analysis, mistakes, regret and agonising pain before I saw my way clear. This is some highlights of that journey. Will it help someone do their sentence in less than 10 years? Perhaps. This is the type of grief where you can't even exercise or even move more than absolutely necessary to maintain life, in essence you're paralysed.

Grief

To live is to grieve

I have written lots on grief on this web site. Also I devote one track on my life coaching CD to grief. This is not just losing a loved one to death but losing your partner for any other reason (they leave you for example) is also devastating and leads to the start of the grieving process.

About Gilbert Labour

For those companies that are not in the financial industry but still require strong governance around the management of operational risk, Mr Labour is an expert on creating strategies for managing operational risk supported by strong programme management structures to ensure compliance.

Life Coaching Tips and Techniques No. 131

More Life Coaching Thoughts and Ideas

Life Coach Position Statement: Hands-on Management of introduced and self generated chaos in self and others.

Life coaching recognises that life is an exercise in chaos management/containment. The purpose of life coaching is to introduce some principles and techniques to better manage the chaos. But it is not about management per se because there are more elements involved than can be addressed by management techniques alone.

Management is useless when the person has deep personal or psychological problems to begin with or is addicted to alcohol, gambling or illicit drugs. It is that 'personal' element that takes life coaching out of the realm of the consultants and practitioners who specialise in management and into the sphere of life coaches.

If that were not the case then life coaches would be merely about preparing and executing to do lists. But it is more than that. How much more depends on the style and approach of the particular life coach. In my practice I manage forward but I sometimes need to go back to pick up the thread of someone's life. I can forge into the unknown but preferably from the known.

About Gilbert Labour

For those companies that are not in the financial industry but still require strong governance around the management of operational risk, Mr Labour is an expert on creating strategies for managing operational risk supported by strong programme management structures to ensure compliance.

Life Coaching Tips and Techniques No. 129

Life Coaching Thoughts and Ideas

Psychopathy is mind architecture by a Hitler

Every now and then, life for me becomes very busy and I don't have time to properly develop the ideas that come to me when I'm running and doing other things. The ideas don't stop but the time to develop them is not available. These are a collection of raw ideas. If time permitted these would be developed further and may even have turned out in the final shape to be something totally different from what was envisaged originally.

Because the problem is not so in your face it is very difficult to establish if someone is failing because of it. I say failing because I know there are people in corporate environments who are dysfunctional but successful these are the psychopaths of this world. So here I am discussing the 'normal' personality type who is failing. The behavior of normal personality types who fail is also known as incompetence. But these performers can improve even given their limited intellectual and emotional horsepower.

A top class sporting match (refereed by a top ref) provides an Executive Coach with a great opportunity to watch an executive at work. In a recent match, a referee had a spectacular breakdown issuing 16 admonitions. A referee is an Executive, the work place is the soccer pitch. The referee is at work. Each day Executives make decisions but the ramifications of these decisions is sometimes not known for 3 months or 6 months or more but in a soccer game each decision is made in a split second and the results of these decisions is plain for all to see instantaneously. Watch when the ref makes a mistake, you will see him compensating the other side, given them the benefit of the doubt in every 50/50 decision that has to be made.

About Gilbert Labour

For those companies that are not in the financial industry but still require strong governance around the management of operational risk, Mr Labour is an expert on creating strategies for managing operational risk supported by strong programme management structures to ensure compliance.

Life Coaching Tips and Techniques No. 128

Life Coaching Thoughts and Ideas

One of the reasons for this is discrimination whether age, race or otherwise. Another reason could be that you have voluntarily downsized and you have taken a role that is less demanding on yourself because your personal circumstances have changed, your energy levels lower and your focus less sharp.