The Captain's Predicament

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"Archie, do you have any suggestions?"

"Well, it's certainly er... caught."

"Indeed, and it's getting swollen. What can we do to make it go down?"

"Have you tried bathing it?"

"Come, come, gentlemen! Only complete er... removal will work."

"Then perhaps if I were to send for Dr Hepplewhite, sir?"

"Give me strength! Dr Hepplewhite would be of no avail in the circumstances."

"Then, sir, what would you have of us?"

"I think a little elbow grease is what's called for."

<pause>

"Gentlemen, just because I said 'elbow grease' I did not mean for you to roll up your sleeves. Oh, for the love of God, come over here."

"Yes, sir."

"Aye, sir."

"Now, Hornblower, if you would put your hand under here? And Kennedy, if you would get a good grip there. Very good. Now, gentlemen, if you please."

<pause>

"Owwww!"

"That's done it, sir!"

"You're free, sir!"

<gasp> "Indeed, sirs, I believe I am. I owe you both my gratitude."

"May I ask, sir, how it happened?"

"I was taking my shower when the ship rolled unexpectedly and I slipped on the wet floor and <ahem> ..."

"Are you all right now, sir?"

"Ah, quite, Mr Kennedy."

"Are you quite sure, sir?"

"I am well, Mr Hornblower."

"But it's still swollen, sir. Perhaps if we were to bathe it?"

"Gentlemen, I am most grateful for your assistance but I assure you I can manage now - on my own."

"Oh, but we insist, sir! Don't we, Horatio?"

"Indeed we most certainly do, sir. If you will allow me?"

"Hornblower! Gentlemen, I... Oh, good God! Hornblower, you will cease and desist or I... or I..."

"Yes, sir?"

"Oh, Lord! Kennedy, you will stop that or..."

"Or what, sir?"

"Ohhhhhhh dear God!"

<pause>

"You see, sir? I knew that bathing it would cure the swelling."

<ahem> "Uh, yes. Indeed it... certainly seems to have worked. And as for you, Kennedy..."

"Yes, sir?"

"I... thank you. Indeed I thank you both. I might still be in a most embarrassing predicament were it not for your assistance."

"Think nothing of it, sir."

"It was our pleasure to be of some small assistance, sir."

"Very good. Oh, and one more thing, gentlemen - not a word to anybody. If word gets out I'll know who it came from."

"Of course, sir. Our lips are sealed."

"Yes, sir, sealed - provided we can have a kiss."

"A kiss, Mr Kennedy?"

"Yes, sir. A kiss each is only fair, would you not say?"

"Very well."

<pause>

"Mmmm, my Captain..."

<pause>

"Mmmm, Captain..."

"I trust that you are now satisfied, gentlemen?"

"Hardly, sir."

"Not at all, sir. Archie, I think tonight would be suitable, don't you?"

"Most suitable, Horatio."

"Suitable, gentlemen? For?"

"For what we have in mind, Captain."

"And what might that be, Mr Kennedy?"

"Supper, sir!"

"Supper, gentlemen?"

"Yes, sir. Supper!"

"Gentlemen, just what did you have in mind for... supper?"

"You, sir!"

"Good God!"

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