A Slight Exaggeration by Clonesgirl
Warning: Silly HH2 ficlet and not to be taken seriously under any circumstances. Apologies to Mark Twain.
"Oh... Oh, God, the pain!"
"Oh, Archie, please don't die! Please. You can't die!"
"Why not?"
"What do you mean 'why not'?"
"I'm human. I can die if I want to. All humans die."
"But not you! Not yet. Please, Archie!"
"Oh, stop blubbering, Horatio! After all, it's in the script!"
"What do you mean 'it's in the script'?"
"I mean you've known for two months that I was going to die, so don't start crying crocodile tears now."
"Oh, Archie, you know I only read technical books."
"Is that my fault?"
"Well of course not."
"Right then, back to dying."
"Oh, no, Archie, you can't! You're my best friend and I love you too much."
"Fine way you have of showing it."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I tried to tell you that I was going to die but you didn't want to know."
"Oh, Archie, I couldn't face it. Please don't blame me!"
"But I do blame you! And anyway, for someone who doesn't want me to die you're doing a good job of helping me to die."
"Archie, whatever are you talking about?"
"I mean I might be able to breathe if you got your elbow off my chest."
"Oh, sorry! Is that better?"
"Much. But I'm still dying. It's this damn wound."
"I should have prevented this."
"I know."
"I could have prevented this."
"Now he realises!"
"What can I do?"
"A bit late now don't you think?"
"Oh, Archie, please tell me what I can do to help."
"That depends."
"On what?"
"On whether you want to help me live, or you want to help me die."
"But why would I possibly want to help you die?"
"Because you're jealous."
"What? But why would I be jealous?"
"Because I'm a better actor than you are and I got to play a great death scene!"
"Archie, you're not in Drury Lane now. This is real life!"
"If this is real life, then I can't get up from this bed and walk away, can I?"
"I know that. Your wound is too serious."
"Who says it's serious?"
"Well the doctor of course. Even I can see it's serious."
"But what if it's not?"
"What do you mean 'what if it's not' when it plainly is?"
"But what if it isn't? This is reel life. We can change the script."
"Oh, Archie, talk sense! You're not acting now."
"Horatio, what if I don't believe that it's serious?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean what if I choose not to believe it's serious?"
"I don't know. Then what?"
"What if I choose to believe that this wound is merely a graze? That I could get up and leave this bed if I wanted to?"
"I... I don't know..."
"All right then. What if you were to kiss it and make it better?"
"Oh, Archie, if only I could!"
"But of course you can!"
"You really think so."
"You can do it, Horatio. You have the power. You only have to believe."
"All right then, Archie. I'll try."
"Kiss me, Horatio."
<><><><><><><>
"There. Was that all right?"
"Not on the lips, you fool! My mouth's not wounded."
"Oh. All right. Let me see."
"Ouch! Be careful!"
"Well, I have to lift the bandage."
"All right, but be gentle for heaven's sake!"
"There. I have it off. Ooooh! You want me to kiss that?"
"Of course."
"But there's all blood and puss and... and..."
"Oh, for heaven's sake get on with it! You do want me to live, don't you?"
"Well of course I do. You're my best friend and I love you dearly."
"So you keep saying. I have yet to see any evidence of it."
"Oh, all right, I'll kiss it."
"But you have to put your heart and soul into it."
"My heart and soul?"
"That's right. It won't work unless you put your whole heart and soul into it."
"Oh."
"What do you mean 'oh'?"
"Well you didn't say that before."
"Didn't I? Well I'm saying it now."
"I see."
"Why? Does it make a difference?"
"Uh..."
"Now what?"
"Uh, it's just that my heart belongs to another."
"What do you mean? I thought you loved me!"
"I do."
"Then what are you talking about?"
"I mean I love Edward. I adore Edward."
"But I love Edward too!"
"You do?"
"Of course I do. I've loved him for years!"
"You have?"
"Didn't you know?"
"No. I thought he loved me."
"No doubt he loves you like a son, but I'm the one who shares his bed."
"That's impossible! All the time we were on the Indy I shared his bed!"
"No, no, Horatio! I shared his bed!"
"How often?"
"Every second night. Why?"
"But I shared his bed every second night too!"
(together) "Good God, he had us both!"
"Horatio, it is plain that Edward took advantage of us. We shall have to do something about this!"
"But, Archie, you're dying!"
"Oh, that's right! And you were going to kiss it better!"
"Oh, yes, I was, wasn't I."
"Well get on with it."
"Archie, are you quite sure about this?"
"Quite sure."
"All right then. Here goes...."
<><><><><><>
"How was that?"
"A bit slobbery but I suppose it will have to do."
"Well what do you expect? You're all wet."
"How is it looking?"
"The same. Wet, bloody and pussy."
"Hm. Feels better."
"It does?"
"It does! Much better!"
"Oh, I'm so glad, Archie!"
"You really did put your heart and soul into it."
"Well of course I did. I'm dying for you to live!"
"An unfortunate turn of phrase but we'll ignore that. Now help me up."
"Are you sure you're well enough?"
"I believe so. Now give me your hand."
"There. Do you think you can walk?"
"Let us see. Give me your arm."
> > > > > > >
< < < < < < <"There. How do you feel?"
"I feel excellent. But... Feels like there's something in my shirt."
"Let me see. Good God, it's a musket ball. But how did it get there?"
"Take the bandage off."
"My God, the wound's healed!"
"Told you you could kiss it better!"
"Oh, Archie, you're better! You're not going to die!"
"Of course I'm not going to die."
"But what happens when the judges find out you're alive? They'll hang you for mutiny!"
"Oh, no, they won't!"
"They won't?"
"No, Horatio, they won't. And you know why they won't?"
"Uh, no, but I'm sure you're going to enlighten me."
"Edward."
"Edward?"
"Edward. He has played us both for fools. Speak of the devil, here he comes."
"My God! Mr Kennedy, I thought you were dead!"
"Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated, sir."
"So it would seem. Well, sir, this is a most fortunate turn of events. Most fortunate indeed."
"Not if they decide to hang Archie for mutiny."
"Unfortunately, I have been summoned to return to England."
"Well you will have to delay your trip, Edward."
"Mr Kennedy, since you are recovering from a serious wound I will overlook your addressing me improperly."
"And will you also overlook my addressing you improperly, Edward?"
"Mr Hornblower, what is your meaning, sir?"
"Edward, Horatio and I have had a long heart to heart conversation."
"Have you indeed? Oh, is that the time? I really must go. Dinner with the Admiral."
"Yes, Edward, we have, and the game is up."
"Game? Mr Hornblower, whatever are you talking about?"
"We're talking about you, Edward, and you played us both for fools."
"I... beg your pardon?"
"It's no use, Edward. We know!"
"You... know...? Both of you?"
"Yes, both of us!"
"I... see. Well I really must be going."
"Oh, no, you don't, Edward! You're going to save Archie from the noose."
"I see. And if I fail?"
"Then we will let it be known how a certain Captain - now Commodore - took advantage of his officers every night on the Indy."
"Oh. I see. Gentlemen, can you forgive me?"
"Why, Edward? I adored you."
"I know you did, Horatio."
"And I too."
"I know, Archie."
"Then why?"
"Because I loved you both and I was afraid if you found out you would hate me. Do you... hate me I mean?"
"It's no use, Horatio, I can't hate Edward."
"Neither can I, Archie. So what do you propose we do?"
"You mean after he's saved my neck?"
"Yes."
"I propose that we wear him out."
"How? I mean how do you mean?"
"Horatio, don't you realise that the reason Edward always had us separately was because he was afraid of having the two of us together."
"Well of course, but... Oh! Oh, I take your meaning, Archie!"
"About time! You always were a bit slow with some things."
"Now, gentlemen..."
"You know, Archie, I really don't think Edward could take the two of us together!"
"Quite right, Horatio. He will be fortunate to survive the night..."
"Most fortunate, Archie..."
"Come, come, gentlemen, you're not serious. Mr Kennedy? Mr Hornblower? Why... why are you looking at me like that?"
* * *
