A Captain's Work

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"Captain Pellew, sir?"

"Yes, Mr Kennedy?"

"Sir, Mr Hornblower has a problem. I advised him to see Dr Hepplewhite but he refuses, sir."

"You refuse, Mr Hornblower? Why?"

"Sir, it is not such a problem as would warrant my consulting Dr Hepplewhite."

"But how do you know that, sir, unless you consult him?"

"Nevertheless, sir, my decision stands, and, if I may say so, sir, Mr Kennedy should not have bothered you on this matter."

"At your ease, gentlemen. Hornblower, just what is the problem?"

"'Tis nothing, sir, and does not interfere with the performance of my duties."

"Kennedy, just what is the nature of Mr Hornblower's problem?"

"His balls are blue, sir."

"I <ahem> see. And does this problem occur often, Hornblower?"

"No, sir."

"Yes, it does, Horatio. Your balls are perpetually blue."

"No more than yours, Archie!"

"Gentlemen, I despair, I really do. This is most unseemly."

"Sorry, sir."

"Sorry, sir."

"That's better. Now, Hornblower, there is a simple remedy for your <ahem> problem. It is merely a case of taking matters in hand, so to speak."

"Sir?"

"Kennedy, if you would... lend a hand?"

<long pause>

"There now, Hornblower. I believe that should solve the problem for the moment."

"Oh, yes, sir! And, sir, may I express my gratitude for your ingenious and most pleasurable methods of treatment."

"You may, Mr Hornblower. You may."

"I, too, sir, would also express my gratitude. Your remedy was... most inspiring."

"Thank you, Mr Kennedy. I am not a Captain and a Knight of the Realm for nothing. Gentlemen, this is a common enough condition with men at sea and therefore the problem is likely to recur. However, I will not have my officers distracted from their duties by blue balls. I therefore prescribe a regular treatment - say every three days? - which I believe will be satisfactory on all counts. Do you agree, gentlemen?"

"Oh, yes, sir!"

"Aye, aye, sir!"

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